Acceptance

[chickydoodle]

ps I know you were just venting but I couldnt help but respond. I have been where you are and would so Love to see you achieve clarity.

[Springs]

Thank you cd...i love your advice and I think you definitely have a point. I feel that there is so much that we need to talk about, to air it all out, to acknowledge the problems and see where we can move on with it from here. I have known despite what friends say that his love for me is strong and of course I know he is not going to forget me overnight. That is why I am trying so hard.

 

I have been thinking that I might send him a letter explaining exactly how I feel. The problems I see in our relationship, the things we can fix, the things we can't and the way forward in my eyes. Then I will truly know I have done everything. After that, I will stick to no contact with all my might and I really mean it. As long as I know I have done all I can then I can at least know if he was worth it he would come back. I know he is not going to give me a yes or no anytime soon and I'm not stupid enough to think that my behaviour hasn't impacted on that. What do you think?

[chickydoodle]

I think he knows how you feel without you having to write it.

I get the feeling you might come accross as too begging ? This never works.

Think long and hard about writing it. Emotionally it might drive him away.

Many men run a mile from heavy emotions even from someone they love and esp if they are the cause.

He would well know what needs to change......etc. without you writing it and he seems pretty uncommunicative at the moment.

Maybe write it to the forum ( the one no-one reads or replies to) - sit on it for a couple of days and allow your instinct to guide you.

You obviously have expectations from him - in writing it- that I fear he is not ready to meet - at this stage.

Be patient. You are doing all the running /salvaging which may backfire. You are giving him too much power/control of the situation.

I know you cant do it right now but if only you could give him the impression you dont need him; can live without him....it would change the dynamic and enable you to regain some power.

[Springs]

I have written it. It is quite long and feels good for having it down on paper. I am in two minds whether to send it. I want him to know exactly how I feel but I don't want to push him away further. I would plan to back off if I did send. Not contact him. Because I would know I've done all I can. Surely if he loves me so much he couldn't be pushed away just by me telling him how I feel..ahh wat to do what to do

[mhowe]

Don't send it. You poured it all out. Set it aside. If he gets it, it will only reinforce to him that you are not hearing what he is saying.

 

Yes, it's about how you feel. But it's also about how he feels. Allow him time (not 2 days) to figure it out.

[Springs]

Don't send it. You poured it all out. Set it aside. If he gets it, it will only reinforce to him that you are not hearing what he is saying.

 

Yes, it's about how you feel. But it's also about how he feels. Allow him time (not 2 days) to figure it out.

 

Thanks mhowe...but he has not really told me how he is feeling and that is part of the problem. I would listen wholeheartedly and try to work on things if he opened up and explained what he is worried about and what his reservations are.

[mhowe]

Because he doesn't know what he is feeling yet. That why he couldn't answer "yes or no" to your question --- it is more complicated than that. When he has figured it out, I'm sure he will talk to you.

 

But you can't keep saying "are you ready, are you ready --- talk to me" --- or he is just going to shut down and shut you out.

 

Take a big breath --- relax. And leave him alone.

[Springs]

Well...I sent him a text to say I have written this letter and I asked if he would like to read it, and if not, I will respect that. He said he would like to read it, just not at the moment as he is upset and said he will be in touch. I sent it as an attachment saying 'read when you're ready'.

 

Now is the time to move back and give him space. Please god help me do this and help me to stick to it. It's my only chance.

[chickydoodle]

Well it will be interesting to see how long he leaves it before reading.

Stay strong. Seek and create lots of diversions to take your mind off him.

Fingers crossed for you!

[winniethepooh]

I'm not sure I really follow what's going on here.

 

You left him a few months ago, then wanted him back. You and him talked but he's not sure about wanting to get back together, and at the moment is thinking about things?

 

And while he's thinking about things, you keep sending him text messages and now a letter. That might not be helpful.

 

Going back to the beginning ...

 

I initiated break up with my boyfriend of 2 years 3 months ago. I did not want to end it, and when it ended I begged for him to take me back.

Ok, ending a relationship when you don't want to doesn't sound like a good idea to me. But at least you made it clear you didn't think it was a good idea either. However, some damage had been done.

 

I was beginning to feel like I was talking to a brick wall at times. He seemed to be very rigid in his ways, and I just felt that I wasn't fully getting what I needed from him.

What did you feel you needed that you weren't getting?

 

However in every other way, we were a couple that everyone wanted to be. In many ways it was a wonderful relationship, we have lots of very happy memories and he was my first love. Even after 2 years he gave me butterflies and I truly thought I would spend my life with him.

Ok, all very nice.

 

When I ended it, it was the result of a fight that got out of control. I told him he was never willing to compromise anything for me and I couldn't do it anymore. Before that Friday evening, I had absolutely no intention of ending it, I just overflowed with all the frustration that had been building up. I suppose when I said what I said I thought he would agree to change a few things for me if the alternative was to lose me.

Ah, yes, sometimes things can spiral out of control. It's a risky way to try to solve relationship problems by breaking up.

 

But I was wrong, he didn't come back when I begged him to discuss it.

Well, I could understand he might be annoyed that you broke up with him, and worried that you might do the same again next time you got frustrated.

 

We had about 2 months of contact and met once for dinner...he seemed to be more open to the chance of us getting back together again and then he started pulling away again.

Hmmm. Sounds promising.

 

He says that he still loves me very much, and he is devastated about everything, but he feels deep down he will never make me happy. It's absolutely breaking my heart.

Did you and he ever try to address this issue during the past couple of months? Are you too demanding for him? Is he too stubborn and unwilling to compromise or even negotiate/discuss issues? That's why you left him in the first place right?

 

I feel that now I need to make some major decisions in life that need to come from acceptance that he and I are over.

Well, you first got to figure out if you and he are actually over. That doesn't seem to be clear yet.

 

My family are begging me to apply for jobs back home and just go back to my life there, but I feel that while that may help, it will mean there is definitely no more hope for me and my ex getting back together.

If you want to focus on moving on without him, then geographical separation will help.

 

But I am so afraid that if I leave here, I am ruining any chance of reconciling with him.

In the short term, it probably won't help. In the long term, who knows.

 

We were in contact via text a few days ago and it was amicable. He said he is very sad and he cries a lot. It didn't get overly emotional but it was left open so I feel I am waiting for him to contact me again. I know what everyone here will say...that I need to just forget him and move on. I would say it to someone else too...

Why would you say this to someone else? So far it seems to me the significant issues are that you left him because he was unwilling to compromise, but now want him back, and he appears to be wavering about whether or not to try again with you.

 

But on the other hand I feel that time apart has made me see that all the petty things I wanted don't even matter and maybe I should just accept that is part of him, because we really did have a wonderful relationship in so many ways and were both madly in love .

Right now you're emotionally off balance and that's affecting your judgement. Things were bad enough to prompt you to break-up with him (although admittedly in the heat of the moment by the sounds of it, but that might still reflect a build up of unresolved frustrations on your part). So don't be too quick to dismiss them as petty now.

 

Being madly in love is a temporary feeling and not necessarily a good reason to get back together.

 

I wish I could just accept it is over to move the hell on with my life and be happy rather than waiting around hoping he will come back.

Really? If you really want this then leave him alone, and over time you will do this.

 

How do I accept that the person I love more than anything in this world is gone?

By leaving him alone and avoiding any information from him or to do with him.

 

Does acceptance come with NC?

NC helps with that.

 

How do I get rid of the hope or does some hope help you to get on with NC?

Hope fades over time and with keeping your distance. Yes, ironically, sometimes hope can help motivate you to leave them alone.

 

Ok, from here on, I'm struggling to make sense of what's going on.

 

Seems to me that you need to figure out on your own whether or not the issues to do with him are ones that you can accept, or he can change if you can't accept things the way they are. And I'm not sure you're in an emotionally healthy enough place to figure that out rationally.

 

Ideally, you and he would be communicating about these things to find a way to resolve them that you can both accept, but then I get the sense that he's unwilling to communicate about them reasonably in the first place?

 

Then by talking to him about leaving and going back home for a job, you're adding to whatever sense of insecurity he has about your willingness to try and have a relationship with him.

 

But I also wonder if he is kind of stringing you along a bit - wanting to make you suffer for dumping him in the first place. Perhaps not on purpose but he can't help himself?

 

Then in a later email he said 'i know you going home is the best thing for you. I wish I could make you happy here so things might be different, but deep down I don't think I am able to do that. I think the reason you have been unhappy here is because you truly belong in ireland'. He also said he has so much in his mind he doesn't know what to say, that I am truly special and he will love me forever.

So he fears he can't make you happy? And he fears you will one day go back to Ireland one way or another?

 

I don't know if he is trying to make you feel guilty or is trying to be honest about his feelings here.

 

I think it's fair enough to feel that way in some situations. But in our case, my ex did accept that the things I wanted were reasonable...like having him sleep over at mine, making plans to visit my family, go on holiday somewhere together etc. He has said he doesn't want to aplogise for not wanting to do those things, but also that he shouldn't have been so inflexible in compromising for me, as I shouldn't have to be sorry for what I wanted either

This bit seems promising, that he accepts he shouldn't have been so inflexible.

 

I didn't want him to change as a person, all I wanted was for him to meet me halfway. It was things like..he never wanted to sleep over at my house. In two years we probably slept beside each other about 15 times. I loved him so much and every time he got up to leave at 10pm to drive an hour home, it would hurt me so much. He said he just didn't feel comfortable out of his own environment, couldn't sleep well, couldn't relax. So I understood this and tried not to push but asked for a compromise, maybe once a week or once a forthnight. When that went down like a lead balloon once a month was offered and I was greeted with moans and grunts about it and knew it would never happen. o many times we arranged it and last minute he would say he couldn't. I know it seems ridiculous. It's a normal part of being in a relationship and I felt deprived of it and wanted him close to me at nightm especially when I was so alone here and moved here for him! I made plenty of compromises for him. Also things like planning and booking trips away. I felt like I was always forcing him into considering spending time away somewhere with me, and he would pull out of plans at the last minute and think it was ok to let me down like that. It was getting to the stage where I told him I wanted him more than what he was giving me...and it was nothing, absolutely nothing to do with wanting to change him or not loving him. It was just meeting me halfway and sacrificing some things for the person you love.

But what you write here makes it sound like he wasn't very invested in the relationship.

 

This is the difficult part of relationships. Finding balance. Often halfway points and compromises end up leaving both people unhappy. It's a struggle. But instead of focusing on a way of trying to get him to do what you want, see if you can first understand why he doesn't want to do those things, and then look for a resolution that you could both be happy with. Anyway, that's kind of moot just at the moment.

 

Ah ok, just reading a bit further, you've discussed that more. Anyway, I'll jump to the end. You've sent him a letter I understand. Well leave him alone for now. Focus on what you want. If it's to get back together with him, then focus on whether or not you really think you and he have a chance at resolving issues together. Because they will keep coming up.

 

Also consider if he has all the information necessary for him to understand what you want. But don't rush out there and send him more emails or text messages with trivial details.

 

I think what it boils down to is: Can you keep your emotions in check so that you don't dump him in the heat of the moment when you have a big disagreement? Is he willing to make an effort to find solutions with you to problems as they come up (and are you for that matter).

 

Or is this a case of you are too demanding and he is too stubborn for it to work long-term?

 

I don't really think it's a great idea that the ball seems to be in his court, but it is what it is at present, so leave him alone for now. And certainly don't keep pestering him to ask if he read your letter yet.

[Springs]

Thank you for your detailed response!

 

I agree with you that it is all very mixed up and confusing. I am confused by it myself. I think because we have had such little communication and he is so unwilling to discuss what he is feeling with me, it is very hard to understand what he is thinking. I think that he thinks I am too demanding and I think I just wanted what any girl would want from a relationship. I would love to discuss this with him and try to come to an understanding about it but he doesn't seem to want to do that, yet he is 'thinking through' our relationship. I am going to leave him alone for now but if he has not given me an answer after Christmas, I've decided I will have to give him like 4 weeks to think. I will explain that after that, even if he still unsure, I need to let go. I can't heal from something that isn't over yet. I just wish I knew either way.

[winniethepooh]

I would love to discuss this with him and try to come to an understanding about it but he doesn't seem to want to do that,

I know the feeling

 

yet he is 'thinking through' our relationship. I am going to leave him alone for now but if he has not given me an answer after Christmas, I've decided I will have to give him like 4 weeks to think. I will explain that after that, even if he still unsure, I need to let go. I can't heal from something that isn't over yet. I just wish I knew either way.

Ok, well if you can hold out that long, then fair enough. But don't initiate contact with him in the meantime, for any reason. Don't send him Christmas cards, ask him how he is, anything. And if he contacts you, be neutral or don't respond, unless he says something of significance.

[Springs]

I feel so terrible and sad. I always initiate contact with him and he texts back but it's all small talk. He never texts first. I don't know why I do it. I want to keep him close, make him realise I am good for him, care about him etc. I need to stop it. He hasn't read the letter yet. Who knows how long it will take for him to do that He still says he loves me and misses me. But knocks me down if I bring our relationship up, so I don't. I feel like I am cheapening myself by allowing him to have all of me, and being so needy. I know it is not the right thing to do.

 

Also I feel very much ashamed that I am still feeling this way 4 months after breaking up. Honestly I still cry myself to sleep at night. I can't stop beating myself up that I should be as aloof as he is about it. Why is it so hard. Being in contact and limbo surely doesn't help.

 

When I try to sleep at night, after I turn the lights off, my mind is racing with thoughts of my future. I feel like I have just lost all direction. I feel so confused. I have no destination and feel so alone. The girl I live with is never here. She owns the house and I rent the room...I am only living with her because I am paying her. I feel unwanted and lonely. I sob until I fall asleep then wake up an hour later checking my phone to see if he has text. It's so pathetic. I don't want to live like this anymore. I was so happy before all this, I knew where I was going...I felt safe, I felt loved and wanted.

 

The option of going home if he gives me a no is not appealing to me either at the minute..I feel like a failure for being 25 and having no direction...I don't want to move back in with my parents in a small town where all my friends are off travelling the world or settled in relationships. I just wish I could be over this awful dark time and be myself again. I was a happy girl, full of hope and I would have pitied someone who would write these things 4 months ago. If I read this 4 months ago and you told me it would be written by me I would not believe you. It would have seemed impossible. I am so lost still....after 4 months!!!! I feel horrendous!

 

Helps to write here..any thoughts are welcomed though I don't know what the advice would be as my friends and family don't seem to know what to say about this situation I appreciate the support of this forum so much. I know that it is almost impossible for anyone here to understand exactly what someone else is going through, and there are probably significant details that I've left out but I really could use some wise words now..

[journeynow]

I just wish I could be over this awful dark time and be myself again. I was a happy girl, full of hope and I would have pitied someone who would write these things 4 months ago.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. He's giving you mixed messages, which just adds to the confusion and pain, and makes it hard for you to heal.

 

You will be happy and full of hope again, it's just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.

 

One thing that helped me, or at least gave me a vacation from the painful feelings, was to start a fake journal with my future self in mind. It turned out to be a collection of encouraging thoughts, quotes, inspiring images, or anything that lifted my mood or eased my stress. I found numerous quotes about how thoughts create our reality and included them as a reminder to pay attention to my thoughts and learn to steer them in a direction that I feel better taking. In your fake journal you could explore living in places that appeal to you other than your parent's small town.

 

I also found night time extremely difficult and started listening to audio books aimed toward young women, teens and even children. I discovered that children's books are designed (for the most part) to be encouraging and foster self-empowerment, and the narrators of their audio books have more soothing voices than adult audio books. (Adult books tended to have more heartbreak, stress, and murder than I could deal with.) Maya Angelo's audio books are also good as she has a very soothing voice. So, you might try listening to books or music at night to help quiet your mind. Turn it back on any time you wake up.

[Springs]

Thanks for your recommendations journeynow..I'll have a look into that. I just want some clarity on the present and the future, but I will not get that until my ex gets off hid high horse and gives me a definite answer about whether he wants to try again. He is just taking his time which is so frustrating.

[BlueRose66]

Springs! Do you have your small cat near by? LOL

 

I think it is time for you to just focus on you now. I mean you have to stop thinking of your future in terms of your ex. You are allowing what seems to be a vague if anything response from him to dictate your life.

 

Its time for you to dream of what you want to manifest in your future. Where you think you may be happiest. This pain will pass and you will get through this, its just awfully hard right now. You say there isnt that much for you at home, but would you be more comfortable there while you heal?? Try to forget what a failure you think you are- drop all that. It may be best for you to be surrounded by the familiar for the time it takes to get through this. I dont know, but I think for me it would be. You are in a new place which is hard enough by itself. Then again- if you can muster the energy to get out and explore and meet new people and experience new things- that could be really healing and great.

 

All I do know or see, in my own opinion is that you are holding yourself back by relying on your ex for an answer it seems he doesnt want to give. Even if he does decide to come back to you, you still want to get a life going independent from him and be strong and healed from what has happened. By moving forward alone, you will be showing strength both to yourself and him. Its hard to do, I know as I am in the exact same situation. I am starting all over again, and I want to comfort of the what is familiar ( the ex and the relationship) beside me. That is not going to happen though, so I have to be brave and learn to rely on me and my inner strength.

 

Gosh, I didnt realize how young you are either, my daughters are 32 and 27.... So you are beginning your life journey now...

 

You can do this, its going to be OK.... hang in there...

[journeynow]

I see. (I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread.) Still, he's giving you mixed messages, which hurts and you need to heal that at some level, no matter what he decides. Can you do small healing things? Nurture yourself in small ways? Map different plans for different outcomes? You can explore those in your imagination or in your journal so that you mind can rest at night.

[Springs]

Springs! Do you have your small cat near by? LOL

.

 

Aww, well this did bring a smile to my face..he is here and my housemate just got a new lovely old cat who is such a sweetie. They do help

 

I know exactly what you both mean. The thread is loooong so I wouldn't expect you to read the whole thing, but it is so complex and not just as easy as moving on without an answer. I know it is never easy of course. I just envy those people who have that absolute closure from a relationship..knowing that the other person just does not want them. I would rather have that than this awful back and forth. I have struggled with this for 4 months now. I have racked my brain thinking of what to do. I have considered moving out of here in with other girls my age (they would be strangers, like a houseshare as I have few friends here) and I've considered going travelling when I save money, and going back home for support there. And still, my mind and preferences change everyday. I am up and down all the time. I know it is all because I am waiting for him to give me a definite decision and am so afraid that he won't. I know I can't make him but I literally do feel that I am just existing at the minute and not living my life at all. I know I am young and I do have a good career, education etc but I still feel that I am not at all where I should be. I've never felt so alone before in my life. Time is not a healer when you are dangling on a string for months on end..

[BlueRose66]

But YOU can put a stop to the waiting. YOU can choose to move forward without an answer. I do believe he has given you an answer by the way. And that answer is he cant tell you to your face and is a coward and doesnt want to be the one to do the dirty work. He has told you he cant be there for you the way you want and need, that is an anwser. You just have to accept it. You werent happy with certain things and he isnt going to change them. You have to accept this.

 

All the if only's in the world doesnt change the reality of : WHAT IS.....

 

I do know how you feel because I sometime think if only my ex would have done this and that, but she wont.

 

Only you can stop this dance.... I hope you will do so soon.

 

Hugs!

[Springs]

Bluerose...this is a great inspiration, and thank you. I know you are right, and this is exactly what I want to do and what I would advise anyone else to do. I just wish it wasn't so hard. My head is saying this to me but my heart is shouting something else. My heart is saying he has not given up yet, that he believes in us, that he will come round with time and thinking, that he would have given me a no by now if he really felt that way. This has inspired me not to text him with something pathetic tonight though, so thank you.

[winniethepooh]

I feel so terrible and sad. I always initiate contact with him and he texts back but it's all small talk. He never texts first. I don't know why I do it. I want to keep him close, make him realise I am good for him, care about him etc. I need to stop it.

This is all fallout from the break-up and unfortunately for you, also a consequence of you leaving him.

 

He hasn't read the letter yet.

Then leave him alone until he does.

 

Who knows how long it will take for him to do that

Indeed.

 

He still says he loves me and misses me. But knocks me down if I bring our relationship up, so I don't. I feel like I am cheapening myself by allowing him to have all of me, and being so needy. I know it is not the right thing to do.

Right now this is all part of the confusion and turmoil resulting from a break-up that perhaps neither of you wanted.

 

Also I feel very much ashamed that I am still feeling this way 4 months after breaking up. Honestly I still cry myself to sleep at night. I can't stop beating myself up that I should be as aloof as he is about it. Why is it so hard. Being in contact and limbo surely doesn't help.

 

When I try to sleep at night, after I turn the lights off, my mind is racing with thoughts of my future. I feel like I have just lost all direction. I feel so confused. I have no destination and feel so alone.

These kind of feelings are common enough after a break-up. It's perhaps worse for you because you might have been a bit rash initiating it.

 

I feel unwanted and lonely. I sob until I fall asleep then wake up an hour later checking my phone to see if he has text. It's so pathetic. I don't want to live like this anymore. I was so happy before all this, I knew where I was going...I felt safe, I felt loved and wanted.

Ditto.

 

Ok, I don't know how much of this is to do with you leaving him, how much to do with your sense of loss of him, how much to do with guilt, and how much to do with the natural feelings that are common after a break-up. In time, it will become clearer to you why you have these feelings. All you can do now is struggle to take actions that are for your benefit (whether that's towards being alone or with him is not obvious right now), and ever so slowly, your feelings will catch up.

 

I was a happy girl, full of hope and I would have pitied someone who would write these things 4 months ago. If I read this 4 months ago and you told me it would be written by me I would not believe you. It would have seemed impossible. I am so lost still....after 4 months!!!! I feel horrendous!

These feelings are telling you something important. Figure out what it is. I'm not trying to be cryptic here. It would be easy to say that's the price you pay for dumping someone, and although that's true to some extent, I don't think it's all on you - it sounds like he was being uncooperative and uncommunicative so he has some issues to address also.

 

But I think something very important that you could learn from this is not to walk away from a relationship too quickly, and especially not to break-up with someone to try to motivate them to change. It's a painful lesson to learn. When someone does that, it breaks something, even if the two people get back together, and it's not something easily repaired. Your ex may or may not consciously realize this, but his behavior reflects that at some level, he recognizes that he would have a problem trusting you not to walk again when the going gets tough (and it often does during relationships).

 

He might be deliberately trying to mess you around as a form of getting back at you, and if he is, then your continued contact just feeds into that negative behavior. Or he is confused and bewildered and not sure what he wants. In this case, your continued contact just puts him under pressure, and the result might be a forced decision that neither of you want. So either way, your only realistic choices are to be patient, or to move on without him (your actions towards those choices are going to be pretty much the same either way at present - leave him alone and focus on yourself).

 

Now, in the end, it may be that you come to realize it was better for both of you that you broke up but you can't see that clearly at present. You will only see that once all the emotional turmoil has subsided.

 

For the moment, I think until (or if) you get a response to the letter you sent him, you have to focus on leaving him alone. If you get a response to his letter, then you can try to figure out your next step with respect to the relationship if there is an opportunity to do so.

 

I know that it is almost impossible for anyone here to understand exactly what someone else is going through, and there are probably significant details that I've left out but I really could use some wise words now..

Well, any words might be a bit wiser if we knew what those significant details were

[FreedomRing]

Springs sweetie

 

You've gotten great advice on here from such a supportive group. I hope my 2 cents are able to contribute...

 

I was brought to this site back in '07 after my ex dumped me after a 2.5 year rel, living together for 1. We even bought a home together(eeekk!). I truly thought that would be hte man I would marry, no questions asked.

 

After a rough couple of weeks, and a hospital visit due to dehydration, and he did NOT show up....I remember laying in the hospital bed knowing that this could NOT be love. How could this guy, that I cherished, really not even visit me in the hospital....so what we were arguing alot.....NOTHING, NOTHING should prevent a partner from checking in when health reasons are at play.

 

And guess what? I still went back to our house, begging for him to prove that he did love me, and it was all one big mistake and we could get through this. He was cordial and nice......but firm that the relationship was over. I cried, begged the entire night.....managed to be a zombie at work, and cried and begged all over again at home. Until the next morning....I calmly regained my dignity...called my parents, and we were packed up and outta there in 3hrs(gotta love family).

 

Fast forward 2 weeks, and the reality has set in. I was like you.....26, was a homeoner, now living back in my 'old' room(converted into an exercise room) on my twin bed, back with my parents. I felt worthless. I felt I had regressed to some teenager.

 

The worst part was that my ex was still tryign to tbe "nice" guy...with occasional texts..."hi how are you? How are classes?" I had just entered into my 2nd semester of grad school during this break up - how the F do you think I am!!

 

Springs, long story short - I was able to move past it. I went from snooping and reading his emails, facebook stalking, and just being an overall nutty fiend over this break up. But sloowwllly...I pulled myself out of that black hole. I am an avid reader, and when I wasnt studying....I wouold bury my face in a book, to escape. A good drama filled book. Or even better.....a good movie. I started ordering dvds by the seasons, so I could have 'marathons' and just let my brain melt into tv drama junk. Then I started meeting up with girlfriends, for dinner and drinks....the rare club night....

 

You can do it Springs....I promise you it gets better. But maintain your dignity. Write emails to him and just save them as drafts. To this day, I have over 50 email drafts during that first 1-3 months. IT REALLY HELPS.

 

But most of all rememeber that we have ALLL been there, and at 25 you WILL look back on him and that relationship one day, as a true learning experience. That's a promise

[Springs]

Thank you so much. I hear everything you're saying and know that all your words are the best advice I could get.

 

Winnie: I do believe you are right in the fact that all I can do now is leave him alone. I do not want to be his friend...all this stupid small talk about work and friends and what not is really frustrating. I want to tell him how much I love him...in fact I do, and it clearly is not speeding up any kind of decision from him. I know without any doubt that I am doing the wrong thing in texting him, I just can't seem to stop myself from doing it. I once went 11 days without contacting him. That's been the longest time ever. And we have been broken up 4 months. Is it any surprise I still feel crap! I suppose I will have to back off and not contact him. It's so so hard The other day I said I'd love to see him at Christmas time, not thinking he would say anything back..but he said 'we'll see ok'...gives me hope but I know that's a terrible thing.

 

Freedomeking: You have done so well! Thanks for giving me some inspiration that perhaps I'm not a lost cause. In the first couple of months I just wanted to lock myself away and not see anyone, but now I am so keen for being social and when I get a chance I am out a lot and going to bars, cinema, restaurants etc. I've been on a few trips away and spent some time back home with my family (which is lovely short term, just not that exciting as a long term prospect). So I am doing well with the going out thing, but I am absolutely nowhere near healing never mind being healed. I still love him just as much as I did when we were together and think about him 24/7.....

 

Please help me to be strong and keep to No Contact!!! Or no initiated contact I suppose!!

[Springs]

Just wanted to come to the forum and get out some of what I am feeling now. I used to spend an awful lot of time here but over the past month I have tried to wean myself off the site, only because I sometimes find it a little heavy going and I found it meant I was 'dwelling' on things a lot when I really could just be getting on with things.

 

I got a bit of a crash landing back to earth here the last time I properly posted, re my attitude and expectations of the ex. I can say I am feeling a lot more positive in general but still have times when I feel very sad about it all and just want to cry. But the awful sadness and hopelessness is not there anymore, and if it comes it is usually not for too long. I am still in contact with my ex. Every day in fact, through text, occasionally a phone call. I saw him a couple of weeks ago in person and it was really quite nice to catch up and spend some time together. We will never just be friends, I think we both agree on that. We still held hands in the pub all night, but no kisses or anything.

 

He says he is not ready to commit to a relationship at the moment as he wants to take time for himself and decide on what may be for the best. Although my gut feeling tells me he will want to be alone for a long time, so I am losing hope that we will get back into a proper relationship. I want to be with him in that way of course, but I am so much more accepting that that is not very likely to happen, certainly not anytime soon. He says he does not want anyone else. I said that if he does want to see other girls I will respect it but in that case we cannot continue contact like this. I just could not do that. He said he has no interest in seeing anyone else, casual or serious. He says if he wanted to be in a relationship again it would be with me and he does not want to get involved with anyone else.

 

I have also begun to re-evaluate what my next step is in terms of moving home. I moved to a different country to be with my ex and now he is gone I feel I have no interest in being here without him. We have talked about this and he knows I have applied for a job back home. He said he doesn't want me to go but he will support me in what I choose and wants the best for me. It would still be extremely difficult for me to make that final decision to leave here but I am accepting that that is what may be what I need. I do still hope that he will change his mind and want to be with me before it came to that, but I am trying very hard not to think that way.

 

We are being very open and honest with each other at the moment which has helped a lot. I know a lot of people here will tell me I need to stop contacting him but I find it helps me to cope and I know where I stand at least, and there is still a chance if I give him the time he wants. Any of your input would be appreciated here!

[winniethepooh]

I got a bit of a crash landing back to earth here the last time I properly posted, re my attitude and expectations of the ex.

Good. From what I remember, you needed one. Your other post was all about how you kept pestering your ex and how it wasn't fair he wasn't responding positively.

 

I can say I am feeling a lot more positive in general but still have times when I feel very sad about it all and just want to cry.

Remember this next time you are tempted to dump someone as a way to improve a relationship.

 

But the awful sadness and hopelessness is not there anymore, and if it comes it is usually not for too long.

Well, I am concerned that that's because ...

 

I am still in contact with my ex. Every day in fact, through text, occasionally a phone call.

So every day you are delaying the pain of break-up if you have to go down that road.

 

Who initiates contact usually?

 

I saw him a couple of weeks ago in person and it was really quite nice to catch up and spend some time together. We will never just be friends, I think we both agree on that. We still held hands in the pub all night, but no kisses or anything.

Never say never. But you are not in a position to know that right now. Nor is he.

 

He says he is not ready to commit to a relationship at the moment as he wants to take time for himself and decide on what may be for the best.

What was the longest period of time you left him alone to process that letter you sent him?

 

You banged him on the head by dumping him. The consequences of that are that he has lost trust in you that you won't do it again. So I suspect what he's really saying is that he's scared to commit to a relationship with you again.

 

Although my gut feeling tells me he will want to be alone for a long time,

Your gut feeling told you to dump him a while ago, and then you regretted it. So I wouldn't rely too much on your gut feelings. Anyway, it's clear that you are still in some degree of emotional turmoil so that's another reason gut feelings can't be trusted at present.

 

so I am losing hope that we will get back into a proper relationship.

I wonder if you are losing hope because it's becoming less likely because you keep pushing him.

 

I want to be with him in that way of course, but I am so much more accepting that that is not very likely to happen, certainly not anytime soon.

Certainly not as long as you keep pushing him, if that's what you are doing.

 

He says he does not want anyone else.

That will change if you and he remain broken up.

 

I said that if he does want to see other girls I will respect it but in that case we cannot continue contact like this. I just could not do that.

Fair enough. You're being honest and clear there.

 

He said he has no interest in seeing anyone else, casual or serious. He says if he wanted to be in a relationship again it would be with me and he does not want to get involved with anyone else.

I would take that with a pinch of salt. You've put so much pressure on him, he might be saying anything just to relieve that pressure.

 

I have also begun to re-evaluate what my next step is in terms of moving home. I moved to a different country to be with my ex and now he is gone I feel I have no interest in being here without him. We have talked about this and he knows I have applied for a job back home. He said he doesn't want me to go but he will support me in what I choose and wants the best for me.

Again, I think it's difficult to take his statement at face value, or to know exactly what it means, because of the pressure you put him under. Nevertheless, you can't do much else except take it at face value.

 

What you could say is that if he is willing to talk seriously about a relationship with you, then you will delay your decision to move home until you and he together figure out which direction to go in. If it's in a relationship then you will stay but if it's not, then you will go. And if you go then you will not be in contact with him anymore until long after you have got over the break-up (but you better mean it if you say something like that - on past behavior you haven't been able to stick to what you say you're going to do).

 

Or, if he wants some time to be alone and think, then you will give him a week (or two or whatever) while you examine your options for returning home, and you will leave him alone in the meantime (and again, you HAVE to leave him alone - something you have been hopelessly unable to do in the past).

 

You have no idea how much of what he says and does at present is a result of the pressure you put him under, and how much is really his own ideas and desires.

 

It would still be extremely difficult for me to make that final decision to leave here but I am accepting that that is what may be what I need. I do still hope that he will change his mind and want to be with me before it came to that, but I am trying very hard not to think that way.

Well, make sure you are not doing anything to put him under pressure. That's going to be difficult given you want to decide on jobs and moving back home.

 

We are being very open and honest with each other at the moment which has helped a lot.

Well, that's good. Being open and honest, and clear, is usually helpful (or should be) as long as it's done with respect. Are you sure he's being open and honest though? Or is he just saying things so you don't make him feel manipulated or put under pressure?

 

I know a lot of people here will tell me I need to stop contacting him but I find it helps me to cope and I know where I stand at least, and there is still a chance if I give him the time he wants. Any of your input would be appreciated here!

Are you contacting him or is he contacting you? And did you ever stop contacting him to give him a chance to read and absorb that letter you sent?

 

You come accross as much less fraught in this post than in your previous ones (especially that other topic), so I take that as a good sign that things have settled down somewhat. But I can't really tell where he stands with you. It's clear you want to have a relationship with him. I don't know if he's messing you around now, or feeling under pressure, or still hurt because you dumped him and using that against you, or using your dumping of him as a way of getting out of a relationship he doesn't want, or something else. That's why I think it's important to say what you mean and be clear and honest about it, and then leave him alone for more than a day at a time and be patient while he absorbs that.