Acceptance

[chickydoodle]

I went thru' all this and am sorry for anyone else who has to go thru it. I returned to ireland with the intention of re-connecting with him in Aus. He did a u-turn emotionally....long story and I ended up staying here to get over him.

I am in ireland now with my wonderful Loving family and time and distance have given me an opportunity to see the relationship for what it really was -

'Sometimes you cant see the forest for the trees'

 

and it is unhealthy that we should need another thru' which to feel joy in life.

 

ANTIDEPRESSANTS were a must for me to get throough. I could once again eat and sleep and adapt to new sorroundings ( after been in Aus for 24yrs)

 

You are in a very Lonely place right now and if you feel you are not strong enough to cope, maybe go home. Rebuild youself and then return if you feel it is right.

I suggested earlier to stay and give it your best shot but I sense from your last post you are in as bad a state as I was in - a little insane with grief and loss and not being able to control the situation.

My advice now would be AD's and be with people who do Love you. x

[dobbin]

Sometimes people say "I can't make you happy" not because they feel inadequate but because they feel their partner is too demanding.

 

my ex told me this same line. i already know i am too demanding. his high expectations do not help our situation.

[chickydoodle]

Sometimes people say "I can't make you happy" not because they feel inadequate but because they feel their partner is too demanding.

 

This particular line has evoked a lot of attention.

Springs , in her post, told us her ex said this. I gave my interpretation and DN gave his.

Most people side with DN's interpretation. I do believe tho' that in Spring's case, she has proven her strength in re-locatng to be with him, changing jobs,...etc. She has given up a lot for him, so even if she reprimands herself for being demanding- she has had a right to have some expectations from him considering what she has done to be with him.

'How demanding is too demanding?' . This too is open to subjective interpretation, and would also make another good post.

I think , in this case as in mine, it is a 'cop out line' used for when they want out, but try and make out that it is you who drove them to it, rather than having the guts to say they want out. Spring's ex is being weak, in stringing her along - giving her false hope, as was mine. He should have the care/kindness at this stage to let her move on instead of her having to keep her heart open in case there's a chance.

The line could be a simple truth - but equally could be a clever, manipulative line.

[DN]

Too often people look for other meanings or interpretations because they don't want to accept the truth.

[chickydoodle]

Yes those kind of people do indeed tend to do that.

 

There are also people who are fed untruths for so many years by a particular person that over time they do eventually learn to decipher what is truth and what is not.

[Springs]

I am beginning to think he will never offer me an answer. I think he just wants me to make the decision without any influence from him, but I just can't do that. I have had lots of long discussions about this with family and friends and what I should do. I feel personally that if I leave here, I will be 'quitting' and I don't want to be a quitter. I am also afraid that it is just running away from the pain, and thinking it might heal me to go home. But I am afraid that the pain will still be there, and I will be devastated even more because I would know it was definitely over for us.

 

I just wish he would tell me there is no hope...then I could at least try to accept it. But crying down the phone to me, telling me I'll always be his love, how it's breaking his heart is not helping me to think there is no hope.

 

If I knew what the right thing to do was, I would do it. But I have absolutely no idea and it's the first time in my life I haven't known what my plans are. I am so scared. I'm hurt. I'm feeling very weak from trying to be so strong. I don't want a life where a good day is getting to bedtime without having cried. I want happiness back. I don't know what to do

[chickydoodle]

His Not being direct with you and stringing you along is cruel. Do you think he really doesnt see how damaging it is for you , or is he being weak.?

In re-reading your post I actually wodered if there is more to his story than you know about; if there is something he is not telling you that would be vital for you to understand better why he wont be more direct with you; if he is hiding some major reason that explains his behaviour.

Either way it is a situation that is sapping your strength. All the advice in the world isnt going to help until some switch happens within yourself.

I personally dont think you are strong enough to stay and live in emotional torture, hoping and wondering.

Either decision ( stay or go) is going to demand strength and involve pain. At least if you go home, the nurturing spport of family WILL help you build your strength. I have found this to be so , even tho' I resisted the idea initially. You WILL get over him, believe me.

 

Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go.”

- Len Santos

[Springs]

Thank you chicky...i understand everything you say. Nothing will be easy, but it's certainly not easy staying this way either. I don't know if there is some reason I don't know about...I can't imagine there would be. I know for a fact he's not interested in anyone else or anything. I know this person. It's too raw and soon for him. I think I will give it until after christmas and perhaps have another shot at explaining to him just how much I need his help to make the decision, whether he likes it or not. It's my life and I gave him a massive part of mine.

[Springs]

Thank you for the quote...it's really made me think..

[chickydoodle]

Well, try not to be too emotional when around him or speaking to him. That will send him running. Try and get strong. Get counselling if you can find a good one. Do the research here.

Aim for strength so you can really, really handle whatever decision you conclude is right for you.

Maybe consider AD's. Accept all the help you can from anywhere you can.

 

Take Care x

[Aleina2011]

I just need to share it with you - I broke NC today. Called him from a payphone (otherwise he would not have answered), told him how I was addressing my issues etc, he said that's good as it will help me for my future, then hung up on me when I asked him for another chance. I showed up at his house, he pretended he wasn't there. Then spent an hour on the phone with his sister. I literally want to die. I can't cope with this anymore. I don't like doing the things I did, but knowing that "he doesn't love me anymore, it's over for now and for ever" just makes me feel sick, I feel trapped and no matter what I do I always end up feeling like this. I really just want to die. Thanks for listening and sorry that I sound pathetic.

[Springs]

Since all my story is here I thought it might be helpful to have some of the folks who have contributed to my story to know about where I am now with it..

 

Mon Monday night my ex was texting me saying he is very sad, thinks about me all the time and loves me very much. He also said he looks at other girls and doesn't think they would be anything like me ( hey, who am I too argue joking!)...so of course it was lovely to hear all this, but certainly doesn't help me to ACCEPT anything.

 

I emailed him last night to ask if he would like to meet to discuss things. He didn't reply so I text him tonight to ask why he hasn't responded at least. He said:

 

'I need time ok ***. You don't realise how hard this is for me and how it affects me. I'm sorry I didn't reply I just find this all very hard. Hope you understand

 

So I said I will give you some time but we've both had a long time already and I can't wait forever. I said for him to have a good think over the next couple of weeks and get back to me, and he said 'ok i will'. Any thoughts?? I don;'t know what to make of it!!!!

[DN]

You did the right thing - and don't extend the two weeks. After that it's decision time.

[Springs]

Thanks DN. I am just hoping I get some answers.

[chickydoodle]

I am sorry the torure is being stretched out for another two weeks.

 

As DN said - dont extend the two weeks - work on preparing yourself not to. My guess is he will try and extend it until it becomes easier for him- sorry-I hope I am wrong.

 

I am annoyed that he can freely access you when he is feeling sad , yet doesnt respond - or is late to do so- when you reach for him.

 

I really really hope it goes the way yo would like it to and you are 'rewarded' for your tenacity. There is a difference between letting go and giving up and I guess you are still at the 'not giving up' stage. And I guess you alone will know when it is time to 'let go'.

 

Stay strong. Have a back up plan in place so you are not desolate and alone over Christmas.

 

Take good Care of self

[Springs]

Thank you chickydoodle...I am afraid you might be right..but I can't help myself from hoping. My heart is saying that if he didn't think there was a chance he would tell me here and now, especially after all this time. But my head says nothing has changed so far, he has not given me an answer and what makes me think he will.

 

I need to be very strong to try not to get my hopes up, but it's nearly impossible. But I do not want to be hurt even more than I am already so if he gives me the answer that it's over I would need to accept that as a good thing and what I set out for. But all I can think of is him saying 'I want you back, let's try again'. It won't happen

[chickydoodle]

I know so well that feeling of hope and it can give great strength. There will come a time - if it is stretched out too long- and your hopes are raised and dashed again and again - that you just get weary, worn out

If you could somehow change your way of thinkng about it ( v hard for anyone in this situation)- and call it a win-win situation. If you get back with him great. If you dont, great 'cos you will know you tried everthing but 'the universe' has better things in store for you . It took me a while to realise thet in NOT getting what we think we want it can mean, there is something better awaiting us.

 

 

The harder you fight to hold on to specific assumptions, the more likely there's gold in letting go of them. -- John Seely Brown

[AnnaN]

I hope so. If the universe has better things for me, it'd better show them soon, because I can't see anything good in the future right now...

[dabbledave]

I hope so. If the universe has better things for me, it'd better show them soon, because I can't see anything good in the future right now...

 

From my understanding of the law of attraction it's the job of the creator of manifestation (you) to feel good NOW, rather than focus on what you don't yet have. Feel good now, and good things will come. So the feeling good comes BEFORE the manifestation; the manifestation reinforces the feeling good; and so it goes.

 

DD

[chickydoodle]

From my understanding of the law of attraction it's the job of the creator of manifestation (you) to feel good NOW, rather than focus on what you don't yet have. Feel good now, and good things will come. So the feeling good comes BEFORE the manifestation; the manifestation reinforces the feeling good; and so it goes.

 

DD

Sometimes ,as we all know it is hard to feel good under the circumstances. The way around this is

1. Having a gratitude list. There are always things to be grateful for even if we are low eg. roof over our head, warm bed, family, friends.....health....This changes the negative energy around us and invites better things.

2. Saying aloud and with conviction we are willing to accept the very best- willing to have faith another door is opening for us.

3.Meditation is great .( Got me thru' many rough patches in the past- cant quite disipline myself this time- hopefully soon) It at least gets you from a low stage to a neutral stage so you can attract more what you need.

4.Short term use of antidepressants can be very useful to get to a state where you feel like doing the work on yourself. It is important while on them to do this work on self, otherwise they are just a band-aid.

5. I am an advocate for affirmations esp to rebuild self worth eg. I love who I am. I am a kind , and beautiful person.....whatever you like about self...

Its acutally quite hard for many of us to think of things we love about ourselves - but v. important to build up self worth.

All the above are great tools ( I have found) - not just in dealing with break-ups but most of life's challenges.

 

AnnaN - try not to look to the future too much . Be Patient. Try some of the above. Every little effort will be rewarded.

 

xCD

[dabbledave]

Sometimes ,as we all know it is hard to feel good under the circumstances. The way around this is ...

 

Good list. All of your suggestions, apart from meds, I have used successfully to lift myself up. I describe a few techniques in my thread in sig.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[Springs]

Thanks guys. I agree with your suggestions too CD, I just feel that I am on hold now for the next couple of weeks. I just know he will try to drag it out for longer and when I ask him if he has made a decision I can imagine his answer...something like 'this is so hard for me, don't ask me to do this'. If he does, I am trying to build myself up to accept that there will be no closure from this. He doesn't want to let me go forever but he doesn't want to be with me either. This is so hard...I hope I have the strength to do the right thing.

[chickydoodle]

Yes you are on hold at the moment. These tools are not for you, just yet- But ask for guidance so you will know the right thing to do when the time is right. Things have their own way of playing out. You may get so tired and exhausted you want to call it quits, and a peaceful , less emotionally turbulent life may become apealing.

 

At least he doesnt have a drug habit? and hasnt got someone pregnant. There seems to be very little reason for him to not give it another chance esp as he still Loves you. It is confounding to me.

I am going to take the plunge and post my story following an email I just received from my ex.

God how they mess with our heads!

[Springs]

I am just writing here to vent and get things off my chest. I feel I have made so many mistakes and am really beating myself up about things I've done and said.

 

On Tuesday I text him asking had he made a decision about us yet, as it was killing me waiting and if it was a no then I just wanted to know now rather than hold on. He didn't reply. I text again. He said 'I wish you could see how this is affecting me'. This just angered me after I had been sitting there crying all night waiting for his response...all I want is a yes or no. He said it's not as easy as a yes or no, he loves me so much and is thinking things through. He said if he knew for sure by now he would have told me already.

 

Then I made a huge mistake. I was spying on his facebook (I know, I know...I won't ever do it again) and saw that he had become friends again with this girl. By the way I deleted him from facebook a while ago so we're not friends there. Anyway, when we were going out, he befriended this girl who happens to be a stripper. He would ocassionally have commented on her status etc and told me he thought she was 'funny' and they met on a night out. While I wasn't over the moon about it, I trusted him. Anyway, I check the other day and they must have not been friends for a while for some reason because the notification came up of their recent friendship and she had 'liked' it. I also saw she had liked a photo he put up too. I know how ludicrous I sound when I say this, but it really felt like someone had grabbed my heart from my chest when I saw that...I know it's stupid, but somehow I convinced myself something could be going on and I text him to ask. I feel like an absolute fool. He was angry of course, and said that this is exacty one of the reservations he has about us. He said that I always do this and doubt him. He said love is not the problem between us, that he loves me more than anyone else ever but that he doesn't kow if we can be happy together because of things like this. This was all through texting by the way. So of course I apologised and said I hadn't even realised he thought jealousy had been a problem for us, that I trusted him fully when we were together and I only asked this now because we're not actually in a relationship so the same rules don't apply. I feel like an idiot and like I've just ruined everything. He said he understands the feeling and that it's horrible but they are just friends. He said 'we're ok, just think about how this makes me feel about us'.

 

sigh I wish I didn't love him as much as to do all this crap. I know I am my own worst enemy and maybe if I left him alone he would come back. I just wish he would actually sit down with me and discuss the issues as he sees them so we could find a way forward. We both know how much love there is, which makes it so hard. Damn facebook, and stupid insecurities and jealousy. I hate this.

[chickydoodle]

The facts:

He Loves you ?- yes -and has doubts about the relationship. His Love for you isnt enough to swing him at the moment.( who knows why?) - but accept this.

He misses you? - You are making it hard for him to miss you. You know this behaviour isnt going to force an answer in 2wks.

 

I think if he was given the space to really, really miss you - it may swing him.

 

His Love wont die overnight. Even if he met someone else his Love for you will mean it wont work- so try and relax about this.

 

You need to work on making him miss you. Going home for3mths if possible, I feel would do this combined with NC. You CAN afford to give it this time. As I said his Love isnt going to disappear just 'cos you have left. If it is true Love . absence will make him Love you more.

Become UNAVAILABLE. You know we always want what we cant have.

Even just pretend to him you are moving on and not prepared to put your life on hold.

He may even panic .

If during NC you DO move on , well and good. Contact is not working. You have nothing to lose and evrything to gain. Do it NOW.

Maybe subconsciously your recent behaviour has brought it to this point.

Your expectations of the way you want him to be are not realistc at the moment.

 

If it is meant to be in the future you can come back. You've done it before.

 

“Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”

― François de La Rochefoucauld