Acceptance

[BlueRose66]

Well, maybe he really cant sleep well with someone else. If all you say is true. That would be something you would have to learn to accept. That is if there was another chance.

 

What are the other things?

[manu85]

That's funny. I also didn't like to sleep over at my ex's. It's not that I didn't love her, but she was always so touchy feely, and I really need to be left alone, not be touched, in order to completely relax and go to sleep. I found that part stressing, and, although I liked being with my ex, I can sort of identify with your ex-boyfriend.

 

She actually broke it off with me for the same reasons as you are: because I didn't love her as much as she loved me. I was also (well, supposedly, I'm not sure I believe that anymore) the love of her life.

 

Anyway, after our B-U I was devastated and did a lot of introspection. I found out I do have some problems with intimacy and commitment. I'm a very sensitive guy, and your ex sounds like he is very sensitive, too. That might also have to do with it. I have major trouble with 'sex for sex', as much as I love sex, lol but it's just difficult for me to trust a person, esp. now after this relationship with my ex.

 

I can assure you I loved my ex, but me, too, had the feeling I couldn't make her happy. And maybe, afterwards, she might have loved me just a tiny bit more than I loved her, although I know I'm going to have fond feelings for her for the rest of my life.

[Springs]

What other things were there Springs? I have to go out but will check back later.

 

Thanks BR...well, the sleeping thing was the main thing that was getting my frustration boiling over. Not just because of the actual sleeping beside me part, but because it meant that to spend any proper time with him, I was always the one who had to go to his parents' house at the weekend to stay over on a saturday night. I did this pretty much every weekend, and we would argue about it after a stretch of 3 weeks, as I said he was not compromising with me at all. He would have been happy to only see me during the day on a saturday then drive back home that night and see me for a few hours on a sunday. Considering we lived one hour apart, it was ridiculous to me.

 

Reading back over old messages, we had lots of disagreements about weekend plans and future plans. I had been asking him for months and months to go for a day trip to this nice coastal town and drive around the countryside. This was something we used to do lots in the first year of being together and I felt that we were getting into a rut with staying in all the time, losing a bit of the adventure. He always promised and then let me down without any apologies or explanations. I have (well, had until all this a zest for living and experiencing new things which he didn't quite share. He was happy to just stay at home and watch the tv. I wanted to travel, go new places, try new foods, and just experience life with him. I felt that towards the end, I was becoming weary with giving up so many of these things for him. But part of the problem is the pressure I put on the relationship because he was my only person in this whole country. Literally, I didn't have any other friends here apart from him for one whole year. I really made him my whole world and realise now that it's too late, I should not have relied on him for everything.

 

Those things were not constant issues but did cause upset at times, but otherwise we were so in love. Best friends. Told each other everything. I think I am taking this especially hard because it is my first proper relationship, the only person I have slept with, and I invested my whole life in it. I got up and moved my whole world elsewhere just for him because I truly thought this was it. I had no doubt I would be spending the rest of my life with him and now, the realisation that he is gone and it all fell apart makes me see how cruel the world is. I was such a happy girl before. I could never have imagined typing these things a few months ago. I was happy..I still ache for him to come back and love me again

[manu85]

By the way. I loved sex with her. But she, also, always felt rejected because I didn't like to sleep over too much, although I forced myself to.

 

I don't know how to explain this... Maybe after all men do come from Mars and women from Venus?

 

Reading your post, your break-up seems very similar to ours. I rationally tell myself that she exaggerated to me and didn't mean what she said about being 'the love of her life', but this weekend, after more than a full year of NC, she came to talk to me at a party and sent me a friend request on facebook. Anyway, so far about my break-up.

[psycho magnet]

There's an idea that comes from Buddhism (or at least as interpreted from a Western perspective) called "radical acceptance." This helped me deal with my breakup. My problem was that, like everyone, I couldn't accept that she was able to change her feelings so quickly and discard me (emotionally) so easily. But then I started getting mad at myself for not being able to accept it. This became worse than not being able to accept it in the first place. What's wrong with me? I'd ask myself. Why can't I just accept what's happened and move on? She's probably not wasting a thought on me and I'm still struggling to get through each day! Then I would get really angry at both what I couldn't accept, and the fact that I couldn't accept it. It was a terrible cycle that definitely did some psychological damage.

 

But the idea behind radical acceptance is that you accept ALL OF THIS, the entire cycle. You accept that you can't accept it. You accept that you're driven to anger over it. In short, you accept every aspect of what is. Easier said than done, as always, but it helped me get through it. Eventually I stopped getting mad that I couldn't accept it because I knew I was just going to keep getting mad.

[Springs]

I hate that something like that could split us up, but I hope people understand that it is a natural and normal thing to want a boyfriend of 2 years to stay the night...at least once in a blue moon. I just wish I could turn back time..

[Daev]

You asked him to compromise, he said no, without it there can't be a relationship surely?? You ended it essentially because you weren't happy with his responses - and quite rightly so. After 2 years you expect some type of commitment/compromise. I feel that if he truly wanted to make the relationship work he would be happy to have this conversation with you - but he seems sure that he doesn't want to make the changes hence the 'i'm so sad, I can't make you happy'. It sounds like you are at the 'bargaining' stage of a break up, this is natural... But I think all the contact has prevented you from moving on.

 

We know it isn't as simple as 'just moving on', but you need to start the process - you are in control of your life and you can make a choice here. Even if you could turn back time, you might not say what you said originally, but the relationship could have gone on and on with the original problems making things worse for you in the long run. Goodluck to you.

[Springs]

Thanks Daev...how crazy...I started a thread about acceptance and all I've done is bargaining so far. It is true that I am still at that stage, and still slipping into grieving even 3 months on. But the furthest we have gone NC is 11 days. So I am assuming maybe if I stick with that then it might get easier? I don't know, time will tell. It is so so difficult to 'get over' someone who you know still loves you. I suppose I just need to be true to myself and realise that I probably did do the right thing and hoe it works out for me some time down the line. I just wish I didn't have this big decision to make about where to take myself next..stay here or go home. I know only I can decide but it sure would be nice to be frenchie in grease and have a guardian angel to tell me what to do!!!!!!

[maddis]

maybe after going through all this torture and realising what I had, I would 'put up' with those things that bothered me before. e

 

i know its so hard, but please dont think like this. me and my ex broke up a week ago, and it hurts like hell. BUT deep down i know it was for the best because we had alot of issues. and i broke up with him in anger, and he broke up with me in anger, but we sorted it out and continued our relationship. we had a great relationship, we loved eachother, and had so many good times together. but, i had my issues with him that made me angry, so angry that there and then i felt i had to break up. i said sorry and begged me to take me back, and said what you just did now, that you can put up with those things that bother you. and trust me, if something is bothering you, it will still bother you if you get together again. but you will be to scared to tell him that you are bothered. and of course its individual, but that really broke me down, i felt really insecure about myself. i was afraid to be honest with him, and that made me unhappy, i felt that i couldnt be happy just because i tried to make him happy. and trust me, it hurts, and its not good for anyone of you

[BlueRose66]

Springs, back from town. I also had some of those same issues in my relationship. It was getting very stagnant and I needed more. I wanted to get out and do different things and try different foods instead of TV all the time. At the end, it was just the TV and the dogs. It wasnt enough.

 

Interestingly, I hear this happens in long term relationships and it has something to do with the amount of emotional intimacy that is NOT happening. A friend of mines 10 year relationship ended just this way.

 

I dont think its wrong to want your boyfriend to sleep over and go out and about with you.

 

I think there are more experiences for you ahead. I know its hard, but I think it may be for the best. You werent happy! That is why you broke it off. You have to remember that even though letting go hurts so much. Try to have faith that it was in the best and someone else will come that will give you those things you need and want.

 

You will always love him or have that special place for him in your heart. As I write these words to you (yes- Blackberry is right here next to me) I also write them for myself.

 

He didnt want to compromise with the things you needed and that is not ok.

 

Is this helping? hope so.....

[lavenderdove]

>>I didn't want him to change as a person, all I wanted was for him to meet me halfway.

 

That's sounds reasonable on the surface, but if the issue was the two of you had some really basically incompatibilities that couldn't be bridged, the distance was too far apart to meet halfway.

 

Some people just need their own space and feel uncomfortable and trapped if they have to give up their own space. So regardless of good sex or a sense of emotional intimacy, if he needed to be in his own place and limited his time with you by refusing to stay over and always going home, then there were indeed intimacy issues and his own need to feel like he controlled his life and kept a separate identity from you.

 

There are women who would be perfectly comfortable with that kind of relationship if they were the types who had very busy careers or just needed to have their own space. It is not the norm, but there are many people like that, but you are not one of them and i think he recognized that. He was telling you in no uncertain terms, this is who I am, and i can't/won't change. He could turn it around and say, why won't you compromise with me and accept that though I love you I can't sleep over share space all the time with someone else or i get uncomfortable (in other words, you are seeing his desire for space and personal privacy as 'wrong' rather than as who he really is).

 

So you're framing this that the problem was a fight that got out of control, but i think he is seeing it as you two weren't as perfect for each other as you thought, because he had some 'bottom line' needs that just didn't mesh well with yours. Some couples want to live in each other's pockets and be together all the time, some like 'medium' amounts of togetherness, and some like lots of personal independence, and unfortunately the two of you probably were at different ends of the spectrum and neither of you was willing to compromise on something that was really important to you, but that you saw as 'wrong' rather than seeing that it was just something that he as a person considered non-negotiable. All of us have things we consider non-negotiable, and if the two individuals differ on that, then the relationship eventually ends (as yours has done).

 

Two years is a very common 'make it or break it' time wherre the couple either moves forward to engagement or one or both people decide that as fond as they may be of the other person, their differences are too great to make a lifetime commitment. We can get extremely attached to people who are not a truly good match, though we may have many things in common, the personal 'deal breakers' bring them to a conclusion it just isn't going to make it for the long haul.

 

I think your ex made a decision that you were unhappy with his non-negotiable points like his strong need for independence which you saw as 'wrong', but he saw as non-negotiable. He basically told you, 'this is who i am, and the things that make you unhappy are my non-negotiable points, so i will never make you happy.'

 

I think your only chance at this point is to tell him you truly accept those things you used to fight about and won't expect him to ever change. But if you can't live with those things you fought about not changing and they will indeed make you unhappy, then there is no point to that. So you either decide that it is OK that he doesn't sleep at your house (and if you did live together he might want his own BR and want to spend a lot of time away from you or else feel smothered), or you have to come to the same conclusion he did, which is that no matter how fond you might be of each other, there are certain fundamental differences where the gap to bridge them is too great and basically dooms the relationship.

 

Do a lot of soul searching, and if you can't live with those things you wanted him to change, then you have to accept that the relationship wasn't all that intimate or perfect as you thought it was, you were instead imagining it would if 'if only' he would change, which he made it clear he wasn't going to do. So you need to quit envisioning you are giving up the love of your life if what you were in love with was the fantasy of how perfect it would be 'if only' he was a different person than he is! He IS that person who doesn't want to sleep over and needs a lot of independence, and it is a lot more than just meeting you halfway since personality types can have deep rooted differences. This isn't about him not picking up his socks or playing the DVD player too loud which could easily be compromised on, it is about a fundamental difference in intimacy levels and need for personal space and independence. So if you're incompatible on a deep rooted personality trait like levels of independence and need for personal space, it usually just doesn't work.

[Springs]

BlueRose and Lavenderdove thank you so much for your input. Of course it is helping. Lavenderdove..your post really made me think very deeply about this. The things you pointed out, like the real incompatibility of us is true. It is just so hard to see that now because I have lost all the love I used to have, but it is not something that went unnoticed when we were together. Truth is, I probably had a deep down fear that somewhere along the line, he and I were never going to work, because our differences were so far apart and he is just not willing to give up what he wants and nor am I. This is why the arguments happened and why I was beginning to feel very unfulfilled.

 

I think the right thing for me to do is to accept that he is not suited to who I am, even though it is so hard. I think that in order for me to save myself from anymore pain in the future, the only way I would get back together with him probably is if he would change those things for me. It hurts very much that he is not willing to do so and would rather live without me than change them, but I need to realise that he can't actually change them rather than he won't. I don't believe that I was wrong in believing him when he says how much he loves me. But I think I have probably underestimated how difficult it would be for him to make those changes for me. A part of me knows though that if we had ended up getting married down the line, that he would become that person who sleeps in bed with me. But I can't think that way. I can't help but think though that if I had stuck it out for a few more years, we could have spent a happy life together.

 

Wish so much I could move on from this and be back to me again....it's going to take years and I just know it

[lavenderdove]

You have to fight those 'if only' fantasies because one always imagines the perfect outcome rather than all the potential outcomes. You could wait a few more years, only to get dumped after investing 5 years rather than 2. Or you could invest 10 years, only to wake up one day and realize you hate him and feel alienated and resentful and distant from him because he is way too independent and isolated and your personal intimacy needs just aren't being met. If you are chafing after 2 years of distance from him, imagine how you'd feel after 5 or 10 years of that. That is actually a far more likely outcome than him 'discovering' he prefers to give up his iindependence. Independent people are all about doing their own thing and pursuing personal goals rather than merging and melding themselves totally with others. They see giving up independence as giving up who they are and who they like to be.

 

If after 2 years he still won't sleep over and fully integrate himself into your life and activities, and is willing to break up over it, that is a very strong pattern and i don't think 'waiting' would change anything. It's not that he doesn't feel close to you and time would make him feel closer to you, it is that he doesn't want to be that kind of person and is fine with and prefers his independence and will not give it up for the sake of a relationship or to make you happy. So it would have been a waste of time to wait around, and him changing is not a likely outcome considering he can't even stand to sleep over now and again.

[northpickle]

Hey Springs,

 

I can identify with the "not sleeping over" thing - I always used to stay at his house on a weekend, he very rarely stayed at mine. He used to come to my house once a week for tea and would leave somewhere between 10-11pm to go back to his house. I can't leave the house on a weekday night because of my little girl. I understood to a certain extent, he wanted his own space and to wake up in his own bed before getting ready for work the next day. It would have been nice for him to stay over once in a while though I did try and respect that the best I could, but it was things like this that made me feel deflated. We never fought about it or anything, but it niggled away in me.

 

I agree with lavenderdove, small things like these may not seem important but it is basic incompatibilities such as this that, if they cannot be resolved, mean that a permanent future is impossible. I'm right here with you honey, I'm round about the same stage of grieving / acceptance as you I think!

[lavenderdove]

btw, a man who really values independence and personal space usually does very badly with kids... children have many needs and are demanding and require sacrifices, so he would probably feel smothered and avoid them as much as possible. Many marriages do fall apart when one parent really doesn't like the demands of parenting, and the burden falls on the other parent. So he would constantly be trying to find ways to escape those demands, and you would be stuck picking up the slack and REALLY hate him if he tried to keep his distance from the children and avoid participating fully in child rearing. Many people who want to be independent suddenly develop all kinds of hobbies and excuses to get out of the house or disappear into their work when young children are making demands on them. None of them want to say 'i find kids smothering and don't enjoy the lifestyle', so they instead try to find all kinds of ways to avoid participating fully in family life.

 

I work with quite a few men now who openly admit they look for reasons to get out of the house and get 'breaks' away from their wife and kids and that responsibility. They just don't enjoy being around them all the time and want their own private time and independence, so the burden of child care and raising falls onto their unhappy wives.. I hear them on the phone all the time with their wives trying to get them to be home more often and participate more with the kids, when they just don't want to do it and look for all kinds of excuses to buy themselves time and space of their own. Many will lie and say they have to work, when they then just make plans with their male buddies to go out for a drink or some sports activity or party rather than leaving to go watch their kid's school play or take the daughter to her ballet lessons or whatever. They just want to do their own thing and avoid doing anything they see as boring or smothering. So if you got serious with him and did want kids, you'd end up really angry that he doesn't fully participate with them either and tries to get away from all of you whenever he can.

[Springs]

Thanks again to both of you. I am feeling very stupid and angry at myself today as I text him last night saying 'I miss you very much I don't know why I did it. I had written the message and deleted it a hundred times and had this voice going through my head telling me it would be fine to send it, and that he would say the same back and then I would leave it. I just thought that hearing him say something like that would reassure me that he is still thinking about me and is feeling the loss as much as me.

 

But he hasn't replied I feel so stupid. I know I will get demolished here for doing it but I have learnt my lesson and won't do it again. And just when I seemed to be doing so good with NC and showing him I am strong, and taking back some of my dignity after the begging period. But it sucks...I'm back to that stage where I am checking my phone constantly waiting for a reply. I hate myself!!!!!!!! I feel so mad that I am trying so hard to move on and get over him and ACCEPT this, yet I just went and did something stupid like that. I am a fool.

 

I have actually taken on board all your input and incredibly insightful words so don't think I am a lost cause and your wisdom has been lost on me! I understand all you say and certainly agree, and all my friends and family agree too. But I just miss my very best friend, and it hurts.

[northpickle]

Hey, don't feel stupid! Yes, you do miss your best friend and the normal human instinct is to let the other person know that. That's the problem i found when I was in NIC / LC, I'd feel instantly better when I replied to him but then waiting around for a reply, him acting like a friend and not hearing a confession of "I've made a mistake! I want you back!" was not helping me in the slightest. Hence back to NC.

 

Please don't beat yourself up any more than you are already doing I understand, NC goes against my natural instincts but strangely it hurts less than being in touch with him. He knows how you feel. Time to jump back on the NC boat! x

[Springs]

Thanks northpickle...I just really hate that he hasn't responded even though I know there isn't anything he could say to make anything better. I could never ignore him, ever as I just think it is so harsh and cruel. The last contact we had was on good terms and was nice so I feel really hurt that he hasn't replied. Sigh

 

Need to pick myself up and start all over again. Feeling very blue and lonely tonight. Thanks for your support

[BlueRose66]

I know Springs-- I had a good cry today myself. No one will demolish you for only being human. Its natural to want to reach out to someone who was our best friend for a signficant time frame.

 

I dont think I have really ever been through something so difficult. I think the reason why is that there are a lot of layers involved. I too want to reach out, especially at Christmas time. Its gonna be hard, since our Christmas's were so lovely together. I think I will send a card. If I send a card and she doesnt respond I think I am OK with it.

 

Well, at least he knows how much you do care for him. Its more the difficulty in the relationship that seems to hard to overcome. I got ignored too, and it is also something I would never ever do.

 

I dont get it myself either. Maybe we are just different?

 

I am lonely too, looking forward to my trip to the Islands soon. I keep thinking I want to do some kind of letting go ritual at the Ocean???

 

Take care dear Springs, hang in there .

[Springs]

Thank you my lovely blue rose! I am really kicking myself for doing what I did. I was actually doing relatively ok until I just gave him another chance to reject and ignore me and hurt me once more. Silence is the most cruel response of all.

 

I like to think we are people who have good hearts and couldn't bear to hurt anyone we love. Please be sure you can accept no response from her if you send the card. I thought I would be ok with nothing but I am not and I am struggling all over again. I don't want you to have any more strain to deal with over the already difficult christmas period.

 

My sister is visiting from Ireland tomorrow so I'm glad I have some family to spend the weekend with and know I will be with someone who will never leave me when I am feeling so down!! Ohhh I hate this feeling of being ignored, rejected, like I'm nothing and not even worthy of a reply. It is the worst feeling.

 

Thank you so much friends!

[BlueRose66]

I guess Springs there is so much I need to say to her. That is why i cant really rest. I feel the need to thank her for so many things and acknowledge those things, the beautiful things she did do for me. And I want to apologize for what I did that was hurtful. I need to tell her there were reasons I became angry and gave up on us.

 

The time we had apart gave me a lot of clarity. I know for a fact, I will see her again and we will have a chance to talk. Perhaps I should just wait it out even if it takes another year, but still............?

 

But back to your situation-- what could he really say to you that would make you feel better? I miss you too? ( of course he does) you must know that. I know my ex must think of me and miss me. Try not to see it as a rejection of you and your love per se... Try to reframe it...... He may be hurting too, and this may be his way of coping. I really wanted to see and talk with my ex, but she wouldnt go for it. I think it just may have been too hard. He doesnt want to re engage the relationship so he may be more practical about things???

 

So glad you have your sister coming, that will be nice. Have some fun going out and about showing her around.

[lavenderdove]

But this can be a good starting point... he is not responding because he is making it clear that he has made up his mind and doesn't want to be with you, and he probably doesn't know how to respond because he doesn't want to encourage you to think he will be back.

 

So now you know where you stand with him and and an important thing: you don't go to the source of your pain for comfort! You want him to comfort you as if he was still your BF, but he's just not, so that is like poking a stick in your eye in terms of causing yourself pain again and again if you keep pursiuing the person who is causing you pain and expect him to take that pain away... he just can't/won't do it.

 

You need to work on aligning your current reality with your thoughts. You are still looking for him to be your 'special person' and he's just not anymore, so trying to contact him and make him act like he is won't work. At best it makes him sad because he doesn't want to hurt you and doesn't know how to respond since he knows it's over and wants you to understand that but doesn't know what to say to get that thru to you. So he says nothing to both let you know he doesn't want to start up with that again and because he also feels he's said all he can say and you just need to adjust to that and continuing contact just prolongs your pain by raising your expectations of him.

 

You need to get him out of your head because he is out of your life and just a ghost in your head in terms of not being available to you. So google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. It helps break obsessions and get your thoughts aligned with the reality that he is no longer your BF. If you want to stop the feeling of being rejected and ignored, the quickest way to do that is to stop contacting him and don't put yourself in a position to get rejected/ignored again and again. Take active control of your own thoughts and life rather than trying again and again to have him 'fix' it for you by contacting him and hoping somehow that will change things. All it does is generate more pain for you.

 

Remember, he knows exactly where you are and if he wanted to call or be with you, he would do that, but he's not doing that so he's just not interested. It's a foregone conclusion that he'll reject you if he's not initiating contact with you. So don't keep putting your head into that beartrap, instead take control, practice though stopping, and rely on people who are actively in your life now (and make new friends) rather than expecting someone who told you he wants out to fill your needs.

[lavenderdove]

btw when i was grieving a really sad breakup from someone i'd been with a long long time, it really helped to picture him as a ghost in my head, because really that is all he is if he's not available to you and actively in your life. Acceptance is about recognizing that and letting go rather than filling your brain with rehashing memories of him and playing out scenarios where he rushes back to you and declares undying love etc. Those are not a real person really in your life (which is what you need) they are fantasies and ghosts of memories that you desperately try to keep alive because you want him so much. But he just isn't available to you, and you deserve to enjoy your life and have someone who loves and wants to be with you. Focus on that fact, that the sooner you get him out of your head and accept that he is no longer in your life (nor interested in that), the sooner you will be emotionally available and ready to date someone new who DOES want to be a real person in your life who can meet all your needs rather than just someone who is a ghost in your head.

 

So time to banish the ghosts! After 3 months, you need to start taking control of your life and doing thought stopping or any other technique which helps you accept he is gone and let him go so you can have a full and happy life with someone else. It takes discipline, but you KNOW you will be better off if you quit clinging to the past and a person who is gone and instead look into the future where you have as many opportunities as you are willing to go after to find someone new for yourself. Everyone thinks no one else will ever make them happy again after a breakup, but they all do find happiness if they do the hard work it takes to get the ex out of their heads so they can be emotionally free to attach to someone new.

[Springs]

Thanks again for your support. Well, guess what...he has just text saying

 

'Hey ***, sorry for the late reply, I just didn't really know what to say. You know I miss you very much too. Don't think I am angry with you or anything, how could I be. I just wish you were happy Going to set my projector up to watch some old Heroes episodes tonight

 

So I text back a quick thanks, glad you're not angry or anything, have a good night. He replied saying you too.

 

So even though that silly contact doesn't push me any further, at least it doesn't hurt as much as total silence. But I am DETERMINED WITH A CAPITAL D to take your advice here and try to move on and I will not initiate any contact from here on out. I make this pledge so help me God! It does nothing but hurt, make me wonder why we can't just be together and reminds me we are not.

 

Lavender, I am going to look up some stuff on thought stopping techniques, sounds promising.

 

Bluerose, I know how you feel about needing to get things off your chest. I have needed to do that and I am glad I did at the time because I just needed to be sure he knew exactly how I felt. But that was back when I was still grieving completely and you have come so far I just hope you think it through before risking getting hurt again. See how you feel in a month or so.

 

Back to No contact and moving forwards and accepting life as it is now...with much help from you guys x

[Springs]

I feel so lost and so low. I know I need to make a decision but I just feel like I'm hitting a brick wall every time I try to decide. Something has to change with my life. I am so unhappy. More unhappy that I have ever been in my life and I can't imagine it changing. I was once happy here, when I was with him but everything around me is associated with him, reminds me of him and I can't take it anymore.

 

I am going to apply for another job at home but I don't know if it is the right thing to do. I feel that I want to move on, but as long as I am here, in the place I moved to be with him, I will always be hoping for something to happen between us again. I feel that deep down, I am only staying here in hope of him and I getting back together again. But it would be so so hard for me to leave here because then it would mean the end for us forever. And I don't know if I am strong enough. I am so afraid of moving back in with my parents and being so sad and unhappy there too and thinking 'what if' and 'if only'.

 

God I am in total turmoil in my head. I really am at a crossroads...and have no idea where to turn. Something needs to change. I want to be happy again and I want to live my life but I am so afraid. I'm tired of being so alone and sad and crying all the time and feeling so hopeless about life. When we broke up my whole world was just shattered...all the plans and dreams for the future gone. The small talk chit chat we have been having over the weekend has made me feel awful and it's taking all my strength not to call him and scream 'I LOVE YOU, PLEASE PLEASE HAVE ME BACK'. If anyone has any advice or has been in a position where they moved to a new place for a partner and then broke up or anything, please help...it would help a lot to have some thoughts on this. I'm going insane.