Ultimatum to ex

[nestorZ]

I don't think she and I are doing the same thing.

I've made myself very clear about wanting to rebuild our relationship or to simply finish it and hopefuly get closure.

I'm distancing myself from her atm because she is unsure about everything, doesnt know if she wants to be with me and she's using me for emotional support the whole time.

She's giving me nothing and getting everything from me, and I simply dont want to continue this and hurt myself more.

Maybe I will tell her why I'm going NC, but I dont see any other way to resolve this.

 

You get me?

[doiiiieeezie]

I would talk to her one more time, and then make it clear, there is no need for an ultimatum. I'm not a fan of NC, but defining boundaries will set clear expectations in the end... if you do want to fix this. However, it doesn't seem that you are coming off that way to her and she is ranting simply because it hasn't clued in and she wants her way.

[flyerfan6656]

I'm not a fan of NC.

why arnt you a fan of NC?

[doiiiieeezie]

why arnt you a fan of NC?

 

NC or the way it is used is mainly described as a way to either get your ex back or move on, for me it is avoidance. I am more of a fan of space and time... letting go with love. Not talking to someone and focussing you is fine, but many used forced NC when the healing of an individual is more important.

[happymeboy]

She coming to you in the library was an amazing opportunity to talk and clear stuff up...you missed that one...Wanna make it worse ? Then make your situation like a competition between the both of you to see who is more stubborn ? Vicious circle!!! Dont go there, no worthy and it will create hate feelings, trust me.

Be kind and if she contacts you then talk stuff between the both of you, I think she learn t you can also hit hard so that's enough. When things turn out to be competition everyone loses!!!!

[nestorZ]

She called me a million times today and wanted to see me.

I finally agreed to see her tomorrow afternoon.

 

At this point I'm just tired of all the mind games and her indecisiveness and being strung along.

I'll tell her it's the best to just not hear each other for some time and then see what happens, if anything happens.

 

I'd much rather never be with her again but keep a good opinion of her, than be with her at this moment where our relationship is completely messed up.

 

She'll start saying that she loves me and probably beg me to stay close to her while she basically makes up her mind about wanting to be with me or not. I won't fall for that.

 

Just as we were enjoying our honeymoon phase at it's peak, we were forcefully separated by the summer vacation and I believe we never really got a chance to make something good out of it.

I've managed to understand that this is over, and if we continued going like this, we'd only start fighting again and ruin it all.

 

This way, when we meet after some time (a month or a year, whatever), hopefully we'll be on good terms and have a great relationship or friendship, since we really are a great match as individuals.

 

 

I'd like your opinion on this, but I really feel good about myself now, and I think this is the right, mature and responsible thing to do.

[tyr72]

When I was 19 I was almost exactly where you are right now. Based on that...

 

The danger here is that it will be harder for you to keep your emotions out of play and stick to your guns. There is nothing wrong with it as long as you think you can manage it. Be kind and polite, but keep your emotional distance and be firm. The key will be to know when the conversation needs to be over. If she starts asking you questions that you've already answered, or you find yourself saying pretty much the same things you've already said then it is time to go. At that point she will be trying to just wear you down. If she becomes angry and/ or starts painting herself as your victim or otherwise tries to make you feel guilty, or begins to behave meanly trying to hurt or bully you - then end the conversation. If you start to feel your resolve weaken then just say that you need to think, walk away, and consider all the reasons you were thinking of giving in when you can use a clear head. Don't be drawn in to making out, or going to bed, or any of those things.

 

It is a sad situation and she may cry. Remember, you are not there to comfort her. You aren't together anymore she needs to go elsewhere for that. Comforting her is an emotional investment and is just the kind of thing from which you are trying to un-entangle yourself. The goal is to make a clean break with closure for both of you so that both of you can get yourselves together. Not so you can get together in the future in any capacity, but so you can work on being healthy people now - let the future take care of itself.

 

Also, keep in mind that you aren't responsible for her getting closure, or any of her feelings. You're willing to explain your position, and that is all that can be expected of you. Don't agree to meet over and over again just because she doesn't like what you have to say and wants to keep rehashing things. This is back to just trying to wear you down.

 

Lastly, be prepared to just get up and leave. From what you have said of her I get the feeling that she will try to just keep pushing until you give her what she wants. If you try to end the conversation, and she won't let you then get up without a word and leave. Don't worry about being rude. Just go.

[nestorZ]

I did screw up under pressure a few times before but I took everything into consideration this time

My meeting with her is scheduled for 7.30pm and at 8.30 I have a big football game and already have it planned with tue guys so I can bail out with a reason at any time i i need to.

I'm prett sure It'll go fine, I'm just here to hear a few opinions to reassure me or possibly give me a tip or two.

 

Thanks tyr, i really felt your post

[nestorZ]

I haven't posted in over a week here.

 

So, I did have a drink with her and explained me what I want (NC basically) and why I want it.

 

She started crying and told me that she's losing me and what not. Then I told her that she's the one not wanting a relationship, not me. She said that she wants a relationship but can't have one atm.

 

I said I'm cool with that but I won't be her "friend" or wait for her to make up her mind.

 

The next two days she called me alot and I talked to her a few times, she begged me to talk to her more, to call her, etc. I naively started to initiate contact with her and that made her go even further away from me (even though she wanted me to call her).

 

At that point I basically gave up on her and stopped contacting her in any way. It's been about a week without talking to her. She sent me a few messages but the last few days it stopped.

 

It's kinda sad that we both obviously gave up on this but I really didn't see any other way to get through this because of her indecisiveness and immatureness.

 

I'm having fun, going out and my friends tell me that I look alot better and happier now. Rarely do I think of her, or at least nearly as much as I used to.

The only problem are my dreams, I dream of her all the time but I guess there's no way to control that, it'll go away with time.

 

I'm sad that I never really got closure from speaking to her and it never got resolved but I did get closure from seeing how messed up she seems to be and how much better I live without all that stress.

[nestorZ]

I got really drunk today (best friends b-day) and naturally I started thinking of her...

Felt sorry for her even though she's the one playing games and keeping secrets.

Even thought that maybe she's waiting for me to contact her.

 

Thank God, I didn't contact her bcos I managed to put things in perspective before doing something I would regret.

 

I'm writing this here just to share this with someone, any comments/advice would be appreciated.

 

Let's go fight another day!

[tyr72]

No real advice to give you. It sounds like you're handling it. This is tough. Thinking of her and missing her is natural, but you've realized that being with her isn't good for you. There is a "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread on here. Try posting in there whenever you're tempted to text her, call her, whatever. It seems that many people find it helpful.

[nestorZ]

I'll start posting in that thread, tnx

[lavenderdove]

The pattern here is she is using you as an emotional crutch. She wants you available whenever she is lonely or stressed to use as a lightning rod and dumping ground for her emotions, but when you initiate contact and she is feeling fine, she's not interested. So she wants a one-way street where you get used for emotional support and attention when she's in the mood, but she wants you to go away otherwise.

 

there's nothing in that for you... people who do this usually do so until she finds someone else to replace your role in her life, then you'll never hear from her again.

 

if she tries to contact you again, tell her that if she needs emotional support, she needs to call a counselor rather than using you for that. You wanted a relationship, not to be her shrink!

 

If you look at it rationally, she could be in a relationship based on how much of your time she's wasted with these emotional scenes... using the excuse she doesn't have time or whatever are just excuses, because she could just as easily spend the time having fun with your rather than dumping you and contacting you whenever she's lonely/sad/stessed/drunk. She is trying to keep you in a very limited role she wants from you, which is to be a shoulder to cry on when she's stressed or lonely, but that's all. whatever else she tells you is nonsense. That may work for her, but it does nothing for you but prevent you from healing and finding someone who wants to be in a normal relationship with you rather than use you to dump negative emotions on.

[The Mouse]

Just read all the way through this. Objectively if you know your not getting back together then i think what everyone says about space and time is the only way to go. Ironicly in some strange way i envy u for the attension shes giving you even though its not wanted.

Since my break 3 months ago i stuck to NIC, met once and really all contact has been next to nothing, thats what starting to really bug me the most as im realising this might now be a done pernament deal, as much as id like to reach out i know if she was really bothered she would be reaching out even if it was just to be the way your ex is carrying on. Tough times....keep on marching and keep updating

[purplekangaroo]

I would certainly not issue any type of ultimatum or try to implement a plan. Reason being that you are in the "one down" position - one from which you cannot negotiate. Once somebody has severed a relationship, they hold all the cards with regard to the interactions unless the dumped party takes action to level things again. (Note that usually this involves letting the relationships dissolve to the point where there isn't enough rapport for a remaining power dynamic ... to end all contact for a good long while is the best sol'n here, IMHO.)

 

To even out the power play in a shorter time frame (not really recommended), you need to stop responding to her demands for attention. If some time passes with you doing so (and I mean more than a couple days here), she is likely to try to initiate serious dialogue about why your behavior has changed, and hopefully express desire for things to be more like they were. Then, and only then, has the dynamic changed enough for you to express the problem. At that point, I'd not start by suggesting things yourself - let her try to fix things first.