why all the games, people?

[Capricorn3]

There's definitely something to be said for the "good old days and old fashioned way of dating". There were weird rules like only call after 3 days, or a week later. There we no endless text messages and drama. It was fairly simple: Guy likes girl, calls her on the phone, they discuss and make plans, go out on their date. If it was a success, he calls again, or she does, they actually TALK on the phone and make arrangements for the next date, etc. These days people are so obsessed with mindless "rules" and game playing, and then wonder why it's all so darn stressful, lol.

[Notagoodninja]

Deci...you lucky thing you...are you with that hottie now? lucky ! lol

[DylanNotorious]

I disagree. There is a difference in taking time to sort our your feelings and giving someone the cold shoulder or treating them as a low priority. I am always the one that takes longer to make up their mind, but I never treat anyone as a low priority or give them the cold shoulder while I do it. On the flip side of that, like Archer said, if someone gives me the cold shoulder or seems to have a low interest I just let it go and walk away. Also, the fastest way to lose my interest is for me to get the idea you are trying to play games with me. I don't personally find them to be cute, fun, or interesting; mostly I find them annoying.

 

I agree brother!

 

 

[Notagoodninja]

There's definitely something to be said for the "good old days and old fashioned way of dating". There were weird rules like only call after 3 days, or a week later. There we no endless text messages and drama. It was fairly simple: Guy likes girl, calls her on the phone, they discuss and make plans, go out on their date. If it was a success, he calls again, or she does, they actually TALK on the phone and make arrangements for the next date, etc. These days people are so obsessed with mindless "rules" and game playing, and then wonder why it's all so darn stressful, lol.

 

Back then people were very serious about their intentions though! If you wanted to "court" a girl "woo her" and win the approval of her father you probably needed your own homestead (lol), you needed to be a strong healthy man with good character. A shady man would not even be allowed in the fathers home. Then you had to get the balls to go to her DAD ask ask HIM if you can court the girl. If he said yes you go into their parlor or sitting room & you got to spend some time together courting! There was prob not a lot of promiscuity, at least not nearly the amount we have nowadays, no casual sex. Also the guys had to know darn sure they had true strong feelings for the girl because back then you courted or got betrothed you didn't "date around" and parlor hop

Your intentions would already be, to win the girl to marry her- to spend the rest of your life with this one girl. Divorce was prob very unheard of back then....

I think nowadays we base our decisions off of feelings. Back then it was, "Choose your love, love your choice"

[Capricorn3]

you needed to be a strong healthy man with good character. A shady man would not even be allowed in the fathers home.

There was prob not a lot of promiscuity,

Back then it was, "Choose your love, love your choice"

I see nothing wrong with any of that. A man of good character? Sounds pretty awesome to me. A shady man not even allowed in father's home? Sounds good to me. Not a lot of promiscuity? I like that too. I'd take all of that over all the crap "rules", texting to "communicate" and all the unnecessary stress people bring on themselves with all their game playing. Makes no sense to me, but I'm weird that way, lol.

[laura40]

I haven't read any of the replies but I personally hate playing games like that.

 

If a guy texts me, I'll text back as soon as I receive the text. I don't think it makes me look clingy at all, however I do tell men I don't play games at all.

 

It is obvious when someone is trying to "play games." I really don't appreciate it.

 

I think if two people like each other, then they should quit the games and just get together!

[Day_Walker]

I would say that things cannot be too straight forward, there something to say for some mystery in dating. One of the best quotes I heard was from a woman in her late forties who was gave this advice to her daughter in response to guys playing games, "unless you're trying to get married to the next person you meet, then you're playing a game."

[The Archer]

Deci when I talk about people that play the “waiting game” I’m talking about people that don’t actually want to wait, they do it because they think it’s a good idea, to attract the other person!

 

Feeling one thing and doing another can be a very positive human trait. Emotional intelligence lets us do this. But intentionally “waiting” before replying to a text is taking things to far. It’s destructive. That’s not how you build a healthy relationship.

 

I agree with your general sentiment though. People shouldn’t invest to much emotionally in someone they have just met. I reckon this is one of the biggest mistakes people make when dating.

 

If people “cant be bothered” to reply to a text then fine. However if a person does want to reply to a text then feel free to do it immediately and don’t think for a second you will help build a healthy relationship by intentionally delaying your reply. That approach would likely only work with a needy person.

[The Archer]

My next to last boyfriend chased me down for 5 weeks.

 

I would see this as a red flag. Depending on the context and how the “chasing” was done.

 

Deci what I find amazing is that you push the idea of getting to know someone before placing a huge priority on them (good idea) but you’ve gone for a guy who has the opposite approach.

Were you not concerned at this guys lack of insight?

[Deciduous]

I would see this as a red flag. Depending on the context and how the “chasing” was done.

 

Deci what I find amazing is that you push the idea of getting to know someone before placing a huge priority on them (good idea) but you’ve gone for a guy who has the opposite approach. Were you not concerned at this guys lack of insight?

 

Hee-hee! I was wondering when some-one was going to make that obvious point. I was discussing the differing dynamics between the pursuer and pursued. If you are the pursuer, I'm afraid you will have to accept that some-times people will not jump to answer your texts. And you may not be a high priority to start off with. I was giving reasons for this. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are suffering from an undiagnosed personality disorder, or a type of emotional insanity.

 

I would see this as a red flag. Depending on the context and how the “chasing” was done.

 

Nah, I didn't see it as a huge red flag. I eventually found it very charming actually. The reason being is that he was confident, respectful and had a relaxed attitude. He was actually willing to wait it out. Although my initial reaction was cool, there was no stomping off and sulking in a corner. My initial lack of response didn't send him reeling into a deep depression. My lack of texts, didn't send him spinning into a rant about 'game-playing' hussies. No demands were made, except an opportunity to chat with me, get to know me and win me over.

 

His self-esteem didn't hinge on my positive answers. Perhaps that is key.

 

 

Deci

[johnnyp]

Some people see not replying to a text straight away, even if they want to, as being stupid and childish but believe me it's not nearly as stupid as you think. If someone that likes you sends you a text and you reply straight away, even though they'll be happy hear from you, you've just killed any anticipation that they might have had about hearing from you. By leaving it a little while, your reply is so much more valuable, as they've had that much longer to anticipate it.

 

I've seen it happen countless times. I'll be out with a female friend and she'll text the guy she likes and when he texts straight back, she'll see the text and then finish her drink, carry on her conversation and then get back to him when she's ready. But when a guy doesn't get back to her for a while, by about 20 mins after she sent her text she'll be checking her phone to see if she's missed the text and then will pounce on her phone as soon as it beeps, as the anticipation will be that much greater (and because she's not used to guys that are a challenge...she's used to guys chasing after her) . In my experience it's the needy ones that reply straight back…not the other way around.

 

Dating IS a game! And not in a bad way, but in a fun, exciting way. It's useless for people to get angry and frustrated about it…just learn how to play.

[rustyskyline]

Take for instance, texting. This is just an example, it can be the same for phone calls, emailing, etc etc planning dates, etc etc.....texting is a hard thing to understand because you never know the person's tone or what they've got going on - but I just read a thread on here where somebody had said that they take hours to reply to text-messages because they don't want to seem "over interested" - if they read a text at 1pm, they won't reply until 6pm... etc.

I think part of your frustration is more about the form of communication rather than the style. If you're actually interested in a person, you should try to speak with them in person or at least by phone. With face-to-face communication, there are a million things being communicated other than the words you're speaking. Even over the phone you can tell a lot from the way a person is speaking. Texting is a lifeless form of communication. Use all the emoticons you want, you can't portray yourself accurately via texts.

 

As for me, because I don't view texting as a legitimate form of communication I give it a very low priority. My twenty-something friends get very frustrated with me when I take too long to respond to texts but I figure if they actually want to talk with me, they'll call.

[pl3asehelp]

I think there's some truth in that theory.

 

If you're always available, the mystery is gone. In other words, why should they wonder about where you are---you're always there. Available. Any beck-and-call, you're there.

 

play games to build attraction"--I second that too.

 

Games exist and are played because of people like this poster here. She finds that availability kills attraction for her and wants her relationship or partner to be a mystery, so she needs someone who can placate her by playing a game with her to keep her attraction alive. Not everyone is like this by any means. Game players are easy to spot, just avoid them if you don't like games.

 

What games are are just lies with a different name and part of a way people without confidence try to manipulate people. Trying to 'appear' a certain way such as aloof by not calling right back - well that's a lie - you could certainly call back and you would like to, but you don't because you want to use the situation as an opportunity to gain an upper hand. Basically, you're not confident enough to be honest about who you are and your feelings, so you hide them behind a facade of lies designed to make you look different that you actually are.

[pl3asehelp]

This might be the best post I've ever read on ENA - this should be put up on the homepage permanently.

[johnnyp]

All it comes down to really is "Do whatever you find works best for you". If a person finds that texting someone back instantly and always being available the second that person wants to communicate with them is bringing them the results they want, with the quality of women/men they want, then by all means keep doing that.

 

When someone doesn't respond to you with equal speed and availability though, it's futile to get angry about it. It either means they're "playing games" with you, or they understand the value of anticipation, or they just don't care enough about you to respond quickly. Or they just may genuinely be busy! Either way, the sooner you realise whether they're not the one for you or you're not the one for them and move on with your life, the better you'll be.

 

Complaining that people don't fit an exact template of how you choose to operate when dating will get you nowhere. It's like the guys that moan about nice guys finishing last and women always picking jerks...instead of whining about it, why not just learn how to get better at dating.

 

And BTW none of this is aimed at anyone specific. Just a general comment

[Deciduous]

This might be the best post I've ever read on ENA - this should be put up on the homepage permanently.

 

Really??? The very best? Alas, I'm still smarting at the crack about my friends and family being of lower stock than Tyr72's. So perhaps I haven't read it in the right frame of mind and have missed a gem.