meowmix88 Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I had an ex who did this to me, so I'll say this: RUN! Run far far away! His last relationship before me was with a woman who he was on the verge of proposing to, but she broke up with him. He waited nearly a year and started dating again when he met me. Well, I was his emotional punching bag and he did to me all the things he claims she did to him. I say 'claims' because I only know his side of the story. When he dumped me, he said he wanted to be friends and still contacted me afterwards. Six months after the break up, we talked about going on dates and none of them materialized. He would shamelessly flirt with me, bring up old inside jokes, past good times but every time we were supposed to see each other something would come up. He just wanted to know that I still wanted him and had an effect on me. I ran into him on the street a couple of months ago and it was the same song and dance, but I am completely over him and have no desire to ever be with him again. It sounds like this man is playing with you for whatever reason. Maybe it's power? Maybe he's bored or maybe it's just because he feels like he can. But he is not acting like someone who loves and cares about you by playing these games. If he's not interested right now he should stay away until he's ready to really do something about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LSgirl Posted November 11, 2011 Author Share Posted November 11, 2011 Thanks for writing out your story. I'm taking that into consideration even though I know every situation is different. I'm thinking about waiting until Sunday night to reply, but even then I don't know, am I just delaying the inevitable? Maybe he knows he made a mistake and is trying to make sure i'm still feeling the same about my second chance offer? I don't think of it as him giving me a 2nd chance, I think he wants friendship so I cannot be expecting anything more and have to go into it strictly as friend (trying to set my emotions aside and this will be challenging and a huge risk) He could be bored, he could be genuine, but the only way to find out is if I see him in person. I'm going to try and play it as casual and not bring up anything about the relationship. He already knows what I want, im not going to pressure or keep discussing it. If he wants this as much as I do, then he needs to step up to the plate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meowmix88 Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 What I've learned through my BUs (the one I'm going through now included) is that you have to do what is best for you. You cannot think for the other person. None of us know what is going through his mind. But, you know how you feel and what is needed for you to feel good. If you want to respond to him now, respond now. If you want to respond later, then wait, but do it for you. Do whatever you have to do to ease your mind. And that goes for seeing him too. If you feel that seeing him will make you feel better, go for it. But if you feel that you may feel worse after, then maybe you're not ready yet and you can let him know in an honest way. When you see him, just take it as it comes. Once you're there, you'll know what to do. We don't know what the future holds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I think it's pretty clear that you are lying to yourself and that he's confused. The combination is heartache for you. But no one listens to Ms D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LSgirl Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 He sent the e-mail 2 days ago and i still haven't responded. Still thinking about responding to him tomorrow night (but it's his roommate/best friend's birthday so he will be busy). Darcy, I could be lying to myself. I'm confused myself with all this. I don't want to get hurt again but I would like him to know 100% that this is what he wants rather than to test out "dates". Tonight, he's going to this bar because they're celebrating his best friend's birthday and the friend also plays in a band. My own best friend's bf is also in the band so we have a lot of mutual friends. I'm not sure if I'm going and I may just stay home bc I'm tired. Last night on Facebook he started posting from around 7pm-3am random music videos and he hasn't posted anything since the breakup 3 weeks ago. Some were instrumentals but mostly oldies like Elvis' "My Way", and the other titles of the songs were "Hallelujah I love her so" and "Fooled around and fell in love" but I could just be overthinking it. Then this morning, his friend posts on his page something like "how r u doing, whatever happened to (ex-fiancee)" and my ex responded saying she had met somebody else and that his last ex-gf (me) was a sweetie and a cutie. He must know since we're still friends and even listed in a relationship on Facebook that I'll read it. If I do go tonight, I know for sure I will see him, it's a tiny bar. I'll update here again if anything happens. Thanks everybody so far Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LSgirl Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 So after 3 days, I responded to his e-mail about meeting up for a date. I wrote "Sure, call me and we can get coffee sometime". That was 5hrs ago and no response. He also accepted some girl's friend request on Facebook just now and I know he's at his best friend's birthday BBQ at his house. I feel like yeah it's only been 5hrs but I feel like I'm losing my mind. I need to be cool, calm and collected, but after finally reaching out, I sort of wish he would be eager to see me. Did I wait too long to respond? I know I should just continue to move on, but now that I finally reached out again, I would like a response from him. Maybe he's trying to play it cool and not call right away? I know this is so dumb, but the amount of emotions that go by just from responding to an e-mail, I feel like I'm letting go some power. How long do I wait to know if he still feels the same as he did 3 days ago in that e-mail? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Darcy, I could be lying to myself. I'm confused myself with all this. I don't want to get hurt again but I would like him to know 100% that this is what he wants rather than to test out "dates". Well, he's not going to know 100% at least not for a long long time. So all this worry about 5 hours is minor in the grand scheme of things. If people get back together, it is often months later so I would sit back if I were you. What MOST likely is that he is unsure post-break up (which is normal). But after a while, he realizes that it was the right decision. Not always but usually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LSgirl Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 When you say he is un-sure, you mean that he's not sure if he even wants that date anymore? I feel like I shouldn't have waited 3 whole days to respond Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 He is unsure if breaking up was the right decision. People often can't discern between missing someone and being bona-fide in love with them. It doesn't matter that you waited three days if he is in love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LSgirl Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 yesterday in the e-mail it said "maybe tomorrow after work" (which is today) it's 7pm now and if he hasn't called by now to meet up then I don't think he will. He gets off of work at 4:30pm. I feel so stupid waiting by the phone. I know it was just a "maybe" but I would think he'd be a bit more eager to see me or at least text saying we should meet another date. I feel like a dummy. Or is 7pm not that late? I would think he'd plan ahead a bit in advance, ugh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LSgirl Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 disregard im on the phone with him now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 But no one listens to Ms D I do Have read many of your comments, always look forward to them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 We ended on a good note, but I wish he would have asked to see me even if it was just for coffee. What do you guys think? In a later post you said he hurt you, so I don't think that's a good note. I remember your thread last week - the title got me excited (I thought maybe I'd get to write a topic with a similar title one day And I bet you were excited then. But now it sounds like you and he are going in circles and playing games. Dancing around dates, the relationship. Do you want that? Does he? I remember having the same feeling with an ex from a few years ago. When the dance finally stopped, we were no longer together. He says something, and then takes it away, i don't get it. Just ASK to see me. SAY he wants me back. Or else, I can't just give in this easily, he broke my heart. Is he deliberately playing games with you? Or does he not know what he wants? What do I do? I'm not even sure if he's REALLY changed. What if I let him back in (if he even wants to be 'us' again) how do I know he won't do it again? We were together 10 months, and i could tell he was NOT over his ex-fiancee of 8 years. I was so hurt the entire time but patient. If you broke up 2 weeks ago (you said in your first post?) then he hasn't, and neither have you. And he will do it again. Unless one of you has realised something of significance was an incorrect assumption or similar (an acquaintance lied to you when they said they saw him kissing someone else or something like that). If he was not over his ex-fiancee, that's a problem until it's resolved. If he doesn't think it's a problem or doesn't want to be with you while he gets over her, then you can't help him resolve it, and need to stay away (and yes, possibly lose him How much of a rebound were you for him? I think you got 3 choices. Some are simple, none are easy, all of them are difficult. 1. Go NC (or maybe NIC depending on what he says) for an extended period of time - months. Unless he makes it clear that he has changed and is willing to work on the relationship and not play games. That's going to be the hardest thing for you to do, especially if he continues to write letters like he did. But it also the simplest, and in a (painful month or two you will see things very differently, more rationally, more clearly. 2. Continue this dance of looking for dates that aren't dates, overthinking songs and messages on FB, wondering whose turn it is to send a text message, and so on but the result will be the same as before sooner or later. And in the meantime you will tear your hair out, give him all your energy, and end up emotionally further behind than where you were last week. 3. Say (or write) to him that you don't want to keep dancing around whether or not you and he are going to have a relationship. You want to sit down and talk with him sensibly, like adults, to see if you and he should work on being together in a relationship, or go your separate ways with no further contact. Before you do this, try and prepare yourself that he will probably walk. Read again the letter he sent you last week. Does it match his behaviour this week? You were together with him 10 months. That's long enough to play the dating game, or to have a brief fling, or to just be casual. Unless you want to continue like that, it's time for him to treat you with a bit more respect. And if you do continue in a relationship with him, you've got the issue of his feelings for his ex-fiancee to deal with. If you and he ignore that, it's going to come back and bite you in the arse one way or another. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 yesterday in the e-mail it said "maybe tomorrow after work" (which is today) it's 7pm now and if he hasn't called by now to meet up then I don't think he will. He gets off of work at 4:30pm. I feel so stupid waiting by the phone. I know it was just a "maybe" but I would think he'd be a bit more eager to see me or at least text saying we should meet another date. I feel like a dummy. Or is 7pm not that late? I would think he'd plan ahead a bit in advance, ugh... Ah, you see, you can continue with this sort of thing. And there are many topics about being nonchalant, not too available, and so on. Which is all well and good ... at the right time. It doesn't sound like it's the right time for you, it's too emotionally draining. You need to build up your emotional strength again. Which takes time. You can do it on your own, or with him but then he has to help you, not play games with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.