Did I lose her for good?

[foolish1985]

After everything - today I still miss her like hell. She is all I can think about.

She hasn't contacted me since the last time she wrote to me and I replied 7 hours later.

 

Now, when I am not that angry, I see that everything I was angry about, I was expecting to happen.

 

Is there a chance that she just needs me to show her I want her?

Or is she just saying all those things to see me in her feet and feel good about herself?

 

There have been 2-3 days of full no contact now and I am starting to panic. I know that if she doesn't call then we are not supposed to be together, but is there a chance that she is too stubborn to call me and is just waiting on me? Like she told me herself when she asked me "why aren't you calling me?". When I then told her that I had to forget her and asked "why aren't you calling?", she replied "I was waiting for you to call". And then initiated contact 2 times until I told her I need space to forget her and move on.

 

Should I have broken the NC, imposed by me without saying anything, then? After only a single day? Or did I do good by telling her that I love her but can't be her friend and need time apart when she tried to contact me after we bumped into each other?

 

She has been dating this guy for a month and a half now. I have no idea what their relationship is like. What if she is starting to fall for him and I am loosing her just because I broke contact?

[happymeboy]

I wouldnt like to have you as a partner...and i am a guy!!!! you are already 26 so chop chop and take some responsibility here. Enough of hammering you now. My best advise would be to dump everything and start new and clean...somewhere else and with somebody else. If in relationship, be honest and clear, saves you of having to regret it later on.

[camus154]

Dude, seriously....how much more time do you want to waste on this? You didn't lose her because of NC. You lost her a long time ago. Let go, learn, and move on. Doesn't that sound so much....healthier?

[foolish1985]

I do not want to let go so easy. What bothers me is that she keeps looking for contact and giving out all kinds of signs. I don't know what is happening really. I just don't want to let her go. I want a relationship without my EX in it.

 

Yes. Letting go sounds so much healthier, but I want to fight for her.

 

Yesterday I accepted some Latitude request from her. Not sure when this was sent out. It may be months ago. She obviously received an e-mail about it.

Today she IMd me, asking me what was the e-mail for.

 

*Chit - chat*

*fun things*

Her: "Do you want to come over during your lunch break?"

Me: "Why?"

Her: "To catch up."

 

I postponed for next week because I had plans for today.

 

I am getting seriously lost in this but refuse to give up that easy.

[raton44]

OK I couldn't finish your OP because it was so longgggg..but this was a disaster of a relationship. I agree that you need to work on healing, move on from her, and start fresh with someone else. This relationship would be nearly impossible to repair. It would take a ton of effort from both parties and she doesn't sound like she's ready for something like that anyway! I would ditch this rel. for sure. Sorry

[camus154]

I am getting seriously lost in this but refuse to give up that easy.

 

There's a difference between giving up easily and letting go gracefully. The choice is yours. I know I've been extremely hard on you here, so it's with sincerity that I say I wish you the best of luck.

[foolish1985]

There's a difference between giving up easily and letting go gracefully. The choice is yours. I know I've been extremely hard on you here, so it's with sincerity that I say I wish you the best of luck.

 

I always appreciate a frank and direct reply. Thank you.

As I said before, not everything can be said in here, but the main reason for everything that happened in our relationship was me not being able to let go of my EX. This and the lack of communication on her side, which was of fear to make me angry (which I would never do). That's why I'm still struggling to make this work. Because I know exactly what went wrong.

 

If it was just a casual relationship which ended like most of my previous relationships ended, I wouldn't be giving it so much thought. After all it's been almost 2 months now.

[foolish1985]

A little time has passed.

 

After she invited me over that day, she called me the next at 1AM, just to "chat" and shortly after that "invited me over". I declined, because I was out with friends, but something bad happened then. All hell broke loose when we started to talk. I had been drinking that evening and didn't have the intention of contacting her. It was a 2 hour long conversation, most of which I don't remember. The next morning I felt like dying. It was the first day all over again. I felt bad and sent her a message just to excuse myself if I had offended her in some way. She replied that "Everything is ok".

 

I visited her during my lunch break. I kept my distance, but after a while she came hugging me and we made out for a little while.

 

I have not initiated contact for a month now. It's all her.

 

I went to that event last week and felt like sh*t! She was right there! I wanted to hug and kiss her so much, but couldn't. She's been behaving somewhat distant in the past couple of weeks after she invited me over in my lunch break. But I've had it. She keeps writing to me every day.

 

I asked her to find 15minutes of her time, so I can give her that present I had bought for her before we broke up and tell her something.

 

I have prepared a speech, because I can not tell all of this without messing up.

 

Basically, the speech says that I love her a lot, even though she behaved like sh*t for the last couple of months. That I feel very bad talking to her while unable to express my feelings and that I can't be her friend anymore. I will tell her to make her choice there and then. Either she is with me, or she will never see me again.

 

I will tell her that I only want to hear from her if she wants to talk about getting back together and even this door will not be open for too long.

 

Is this a good idea? I just can't stand the thought that she is with someone else, while I am trying to look "cool" about it.

 

I think that if she doesn't react in any way, then she doesn't want me back. Even though she says she loves me and misses me.

[foolish1985]

We just had the conversation.

 

I asked her out but she invited me at her home.

 

I went there and we started talking, laughing. She was hinting that she misses me and such. I brought a present and she told me that she will pile those little gestures and "I love you"s and will come back to me when she has forgiven. She was constantly hugging me.

 

At the end I read the speech I had prepared. She was looking down all the time. When I finished, she looked up and just stared at me. After 5 seconds, I just stood up and started putting my jacket on. She grabbed my hand, told me.

 

"No. Where are you going? Stay."

I said "I got my answer"

Her: "But I WANT to be friends"

Me: "I can't be your friend"

 

She hugged me and started kissing my CHEEKS!

 

Her: "But I WANT to be friends. Stay. Don't leave"

Me: "Your answer means that we go our separate ways from now on. I wish you to be happy."

 

I started walking towards the door and putting my shoes on.

 

Her: "I don't hate you. I want to be friends."

Me: .............

Her: "Come back. I don't hate you."

Me: .............

Her: "I know that we will be friends. We are going to talk, right?"

Me: "We will probably never talk again"

Her: "I know we will. You will call me. I will call you"

Me: "No"

 

She was trying to hug me all the time.

 

Her: "Why won't you hug me. You told me you will"

Me: "No. You told me you will. I told you I won't when I finish reading and get my answer."

Her: "Hug me. Stop unlocking the door."

 

I hugged her with one hand briefly and went out the door.

 

Me: "Please don't try to come up with reasons to call me unless it is about getting back together. And even this door will not be open for long."

 

I walked away and saw her closing the door without saying a word.

 

I sent her my speech to her e-mail with the subject "Final Words" (no additional lines. just the speech), because I got the feeling that she didn't know what was happening at one point.

 

It was like she went in some kind of "panic" mode. Repeating the same thing over and over again, even without me even mentioning the word "hate".

 

It was like a bolt of lightning after our conversation before that.

 

At one point I heard a little disruption in her voice as she was crying but didn't look at her at all after I got my answer.

 

I guess that is that. At least I got closure. I will now block her from everywhere so I don't see her name or face and will begin living my life again.

If she calls, I will answer only the first time. In case she changed her mind, but intend on hanging up if she starts talking about something else.

 

I was feeling much better when I walked out and started home, but now I am starting to not feel so good... I hope I make it until she calls or until I heal properly.

[foolish1985]

I just received a completely meaningless message from her. 2 hours after leaving.

 

";((((("

 

COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS! It may even be because she might have noticed I blocked her on Facebook.

 

I have no need to look at her and her new BF exchanging kisses.

 

Tomorrow I plan on visiting her mother at work, and apologizing for everything that I may have caused her and her daughter with my behavior.

 

Full closure, before I move on. I am not a bad person. I do not want to leave undeserving people hurt behind me.

[Angler]

Tomorrow I plan on visiting her mother at work, and apologizing for everything that I may have caused her and her daughter with my behavior.

 

Bad idea on several fronts.

[foolish1985]

Bad idea on several fronts.

 

Why would you think that?

 

I have personally not done anything to her mother. My EX didn't have any Girlfriends with which to share. She only has boy friends. She shares with her mother. Imagine what this woman thought when my EX shared with her all the bad things and she saw her daughter crying constantly after I cheated on her, and every time my EX was involved in something even remotely. That's why she doesn't like me. Because I think she knows of all bad things I did that hurt her daughter.

 

The mother is VERY involved in my EXs life. By the mother's words "I live a second life through my daughter and her emotions."

 

I even think that she is hiding her communication with me from her mother. Because they share a computer, and her mother has access to all of the "Message hubs" - Facebook, IM. My EX mostly writes to me in Gmail/gtalk. I receive it on my phone at all times - yes, but even when she knows I am at home, she writes to me in Gmail/Gtalk.

[loulou37]

I'm sorry but you sound very desperate, like you're clutching at straws, why don't you just pull back a bit here? take some time out even, i would not go visit her mother, this may really pee the ex gf off, i would hate it if my ex went talikng to my mum after a break up, seems a bit weird to me.

 

loulou x

[foolish1985]

I'm sorry but you sound very desperate, like you're clutching at straws, why don't you just pull back a bit here? take some time out even, i would not go visit her mother, this may really pee the ex gf off, i would hate it if my ex went talikng to my mum after a break up, seems a bit weird to me.

 

loulou x

 

Desperate in what way? I am not desperate. I pulled back for good.

 

I wanted to just apologize to her mother. Nothing else.

Maybe I'll just postpone it for a month or something.

[foolish1985]

She wrote to me again yesterday. On IM.

 

First it was

 

"(pet name) ;(. I don't want it to be like this. ;("

 

I didn't reply.

 

Then 4-5 hours later it was

 

";("

1,5 hours later "why did you block me on Facebook"

 

Have not replied. You guys think I should tell her why I blocked her or just wait for her to say something that has meaning and then reply?

[KronicMan]

this story is sort of similar to mine. dated someone for 3 months and basically cheated on her and took her for granted. she actually forgave me for cheating and wanted to work on things, but i felt that this would not help and things would not change, so i broke up with her...and it was a very big mistake. i should have never cheated and this girl was giving me alot of chances and telling me she wanted to work on it. shortly after breaking up she met someone else, changed her status and told me to move on..it was gut wrenching and still is to this day.

 

i have not seen or spoken to her for over 4 months, ive 'let her go' but she is still in my heart and it breaks every day although i feel that i can have a better relationship with someone in the future by learning about the mistakes i made and the things i did not do. i was actually surprised the day my ex emailed me happy birthday. of course i hated that she wasnt with me, but i was somewhat happy that she still remembered me after treating her horrible. i tried to talk to her after that, and we spoke, but it really got me nowhere and i havent spoken to her since.

 

moral of the story is learn from your mistakes, next time your in a relationship, work on your problems, communicate and make sure before you break up its absolutely the right thing you want to do.

[EgoJoe]

OP: Don't respond and remove her from IM. Get your head right dude, heal from both girls and do some soul searching.

[foolish1985]

A lot of time passed. Things happened but the situation is still the same.

 

Today I asked her some questions. I asked her if she was happy. She told me that her relationship was normal, and she couldn't be happy while she was thinking of me all the time.

 

Basically, she thinks I haven't changed. She said "I think that you are the same person you were a year ago, with new tricks up your sleeve". I know that she is wrong about that. I know what went wrong and what I did wrong. I told her. I also asked her if there is a way I can prove her wrong. Any way at all. She said that she doesn't know and hasn't thought about it.

 

Any suggestions on how I can prove that I am a different person. That I love her, want to make things work, be sincere and that my EX is out of my life for good? She really is. Haven't contacted her for over a month. In any way.

 

I can give more info if needed regarding the events from the past month and a half.

I told her not to contact me several times and yet, she kept contacting me, telling me all sorts of things. Last week I blocked her from everywhere but my phone and she called me the next day, asking me "why? unblock me so we can chat".

I told her that I will not do that and hung up. 3 days later, we had a contact (I initiated in a moment of weekness, I confess. I wrote her "do you love him?" after I had learned some information about them. that she is repeating what we had. Thursday night - movie and dinner.). She called me a minute after the message and we talked for 20 minutes (a lot of time for a call she initiated). At one point she told me that she thinks about me a lot all the time. She also told me that the night I told her I will not unblock her, she cried a lot and remembered things we used to do.

[EgoJoe]

This is toxic and will not end well. This girl is feeding off of this drama and you're experiencing rejection pangs again and again. You need to heal buddy.

[foolish1985]

After today's conversation, I told her that I want to be alone, without her. That she NEEDS to take me seriously and not contact me regarding meaningless matters. That from now on, I will consider every attempt of communication as a direct insult to my person. I couldn't finish it all, because she "had to go. can I write to you later just to finish this."

 

To be honest, she did tell me that she has to go before I started that closing bit.

 

Also, the other day, she received an e-mail I had wrote 2 days after our break-up. I had scheduled it to be sent on the 1st of Jan 2012. She then called me, asked me if I was feeling the same way, asked me what I was doing later and invited me over to her place. We then exchanged e-mails. She said "I will be back in 2 hours and will write to you". She was back in 3 and I ignored the message. Day after, she asked why I didn't want to meet (frowny face). I told her that my plans changed and that was it.

 

I am trying to heal. Really. I am. I have days in which I don't care, but in the past two weeks I haven't been going out a lot and been spending a lot of time alone, which is BAD!

[Liraele]

I realize this is old, but um... lying is never the best option if you're trying to prevent things getting worse. Never. Ever. If and when the truth comes out - and it nearly always does - the lie is going to make things 100x worse than just telling the truth up front would have.

 

God, you sound so much like my ex it puts a knot in my stomach.

 

ETA: Except I don't think he'll ever be enlightened enough to see his own behaviors and what they did, so kudos to you for at least realizing it.