megs1000 Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 Thanks Chi. I'm feeling a little stronger. I know the right thing to do is say nothing... just go on with no contact, as though it doesn't bother me at all, and get on with my life. The only twinge that keeps reappearing is that I'm leaving in Jan. Who knows - maybe at some point before then he will get in touch, and say something along the lines of wishing me well. But if he doesn't I fear I may spend the next 2 months waiting and wondering whether he will contact me. I don't want that, and I don't know how to get past that. I guess my reason for wanting to send something now is to pre-empt that - to say my farewell - give him one last chance to contact me, which more than likely he will ignore, but if he does at least that will put at end to me wanting to contacting him again. I can then spend the next 2 months healing and getting over him and looking forward to the future. I wish there was something I could do to do that without saying anything to him, if saying something is really the wrong thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 Ok after giving it a lot of thought today I think I am going to send something. I've written an email I'm happy with. I'm not hoping for a reconciliation - I'm moving away in January. I may be hoping for a response, hoping that he'll show that he cared somewhat, but if he doesn't respond, at least I've said what I need to say, I have my closure on my part, and can move forward knowing I've said my peace, and that he really doesn't care at all, which believe it or not I think will somehow make it easier. I don't think it will make much difference to him either way, but I think it will help me. If i wasn't going away and carrying on with my normal life, then yes I agree saying something would be wrong, as it may be re-opening a door to continue the cycle, but as I'm moving away anyway I think it's the only thing to do to set my mind at rest. And even if it comes accross as needy, I don't really care - I'm not needy - I'm moving on to bigger and more exciting things. I don't need him to be in a relationship with me, I simply would like him to be a big enough person to be happy for me, which he said he always would be. If he isn't, then it just shows how pathetic and selfish he really is. I just think sending something may help me (not anything angry), but will make no difference to him... and not sending something will make no difference to him, but will not help me. That's my logic. Any thoughts much appreciated x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 you guys started out as friends and went past that to relationshop then you both accepted to be friends again which means to go back, and frankly, no conscious being want to go back.megs your relation is over and you need to go forward now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 you guys started out as friends and went past that to relationshop then you both accepted to be friends again which means to go back, and frankly, no conscious being want to go back.megs your relation is over and you need to go forward now. We haven't accepted to be friends again at any point. I wouldn't want to be/couldn't be friends with him. This email is just a farewell on my part, to draw a line under it so that I CAN move forward, as at the moment it feels like I'm in this black limbo with no doors closed so there's always a possibility for him to come back, as he has done in the past, so I'm left here wondering whether he will or not, and as more time goes on, the more crazy it's driving me. Maybe an email is the wrong thing to do, but as the circumtances are different this time, with me going away, I do think it will help me move on, and frankly I don't really care how he sees it. Just a line in the sand, so I can mentally shut that door... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 The moment you decided to go overseas, is clearly your own closure to the relation commitment. you have made that decision because you don't want to be stuck in a non-committed relation which means you have decided to stay committed to your own growth. Now respect your own decision and move ahead! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I just think sending something may help me (not anything angry), but will make no difference to him... and not sending something will make no difference to him, but will not help me. That's my logic. Any thoughts much appreciated x Do whatever makes you happy. As I said in my previous posts, it really does not matter what you do because it is not going to change the outcome whatsoever. I think that you now realized that based on your above statement. Do whatever it takes for you to close this most dissapointing chapter of your life. Perhaps then you can look forward to the future without, what is in your mind, unfinished business. I wish you the best, Megs.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Do whatever makes you happy. As I said in my previous posts, it really does not matter what you do because it is not going to change the outcome whatsoever. I think that you now realized that based on your above statement. Do whatever it takes for you to close this most dissapointing chapter of your life. Perhaps then you can look forward to the future without, what is in your mind, unfinished business. I wish you the best, Megs.... Thanks Chi. I've found another book - 'Mr Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl' - V insightful ;-) (although not pleasant to think I've been the fallback girl, but I guess having taken him back each time I have to admit I have been). It could have been written about this guy and the way he acts! I think it may encourage me not to send anything, but I'll see when I get to the end of it and make my decision then. I'm still happy with my email. And cocoon you're right - I am really the one walking away. But I would never walk away from someone who's been such a huge part of my life for the last two years (and longer, as we've known each other for 4) without a word (although I know he obviously doesn't have a problem with it!) so I may just send it for my own peace of mind. Thank you both - your input is massively appreciated! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I know it can be really difficult to change emotional attitude and behaviour that has lasted for years but you are a serious seeker and are doing a great job!....once we learn truly we will not fall back again because our older self is gone!....we should keep in mind that it is a real challenge in our lives till we really learn the truth. We always can slip back into old routines and habits despite the fact that they didn't produce the desired results. WE HAVE TO TAKE OVER THE LIFE OR LIFE AND OLD HABITS WILL TAKE OVER!..Remember in time of pressure , stress and.. there is always possibility of slipping back ",IT IS THE CYCLE OF ADDICTION'...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 I'm feeling very differently today. Extremely differently!!! I am not going to email that absolute absolute *insert extreme expletives here* loser! I know it's bad, but I have his email password - I've been doing my best not to give into temptation and use it, but I couldn't resist, just to see if I could find any answers that might slap some sense into me. And that is exactly what I got!!! The guy is going to Bulgaria in a few weeks and has emailed an escort!!! An ESCORT!!! In Bulgaria. To ask for rates and details of her 'services'. I say escort but I looked at her website and the services she's offering are most definitely not company on a dinner date. OMG I don't know whether to laugh or throw up!!! What a sick idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only that but emails from 2 ex-girlfriends who he has clearly got back in touch with saying how they miss him. And evidence he's seeing someone else in London. Here's me wanting to be nice, say farewell, wondering how he could be so harsh as to not even wish me well or say goodbye. Jeez this is the slap in the face I needed. I seriously can not believe it. It's like something out of Opera Winfrey! Yuck I feel sick. AARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Almost feel like telling him I know... but I won't. I am so pleased to be rid of him it's unreal - and I feel EXTREMELY sorry for the girl he's currently deceiving into thinking he's the nicest guy on the planet. Oh WOW is all I can say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Oh, ouch! Use this for fuel to move on. I'm all for doing something symbolic to remove his image from your mental reality... It may sound bad, but try drawing an image of him and then burn it, as a representative of the anger you feel and the need to be "done" with him. But don't tell him you snooped and found out. Let us here at eNA stand in for him, and confess and vent here. Burn his email password and don't ever use it again, and change your own password if he knows it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
why do we Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Hehe. We told you from the start. I also guessed a password for my ex (not the one I mentioned in connection in this thread though) and one dark night I had a bit of a meltdown, i was sitting at my desk having a song by Kate Bush "Never be mine" on repeat at least 20 times ) and bawling my eyes out. Suddenly I though why not try and have a look. Turned out just a few hours before on that day he registered on swingers and some hook up sites. When I recovered from unpleasantness of that I actually had to laugh, don't think I cried over that person ever again... a few days later by the way he started texting calling and coming round to my street because I wasn't answering. Guess not much luck with the swingers! I am SO GLAD I'd read those emails before he started getting in touch again. I never spoke to him again and he still tries sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ironman73 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Question- I have heard that people who have 'commitment issues' are really people who have not met the right person yet. Do you think that there is any merit to that? I mean they will tell YOU that they can't commit after 5 years of dating and then they will break up with you and about 6 months later they are engaged... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Question- I have heard that people who have 'commitment issues' are really people who have not met the right person yet. Do you think that there is any merit to that? I mean they will tell YOU that they can't commit after 5 years of dating and then they will break up with you and about 6 months later they are engaged... I'm not sure how that's relevant to this thread, but I do think it can happen. An ex of mine (was with him for 1 year) broke up with me because he didn't want to be in a relationship, then married the next girl he met - we just weren't right. I'm sorry if that's happened to you. It sucks. But the commitment issues relevant to this thread are more about how they treat you during the relationship (and at the end of apparently) - the disappearing, the coming back, the future-faking, the falling for it, the gut-wrenching agony and frustration you feel when they vanish without a word and you're left to wonder whether that's the end, whether they're alive, whether they''ve met someone else, what you're supposed to do... just suck it up, swallow your pride and move on? Easier said than done! And the slap in the face you need to tell you to stop wasting your time on energy on a sick guy with issues that have nothing to do with you, and who will treat every girl who comes into his life the same way. I'm still reading 'Mr Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl and I can't tell you how astounded I am - I seriously think the girl who's written it went out with my ex. The detail is incredible, and it really makes it easier to move on. I would WHOLEHEARTEDLY recommend it to anyone who keeps being sucked back in to a relationship, only to be spat out again, and is on a cycle, feeling lost, confused and heartbroken, or anyone who feels like they are with a guy with commitment issues. Very enlightening! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Thank you for this. It's amazing how it jolts you back to reality hey! I'm sorry this happened to you too - but it is actually a relief from the sadness I was feeling before. I do actually feel quite sad about it - sad for him. He's an amazingly good looking and charming guy. Tall, handsome, strong, protective and can speak to anyone about anything, and charm the pants of a donkey! And is incredible in bed. Why he feels the need to pay for sex is beyond me. He doesn't earn that much and this 'lady' isn't cheap!! No wonder I was having to pay for a lot of things while we were together - if this is where his money was going! His 'psycho' ex told me signed up to hook-up/swingers sites before (she spent a good few months harassing me when we got together - telling stories of that nature - I thought at the time she was just a woman scorned, and he said she'd made up profiles on the sites with his picture, then sent them to me, as a way of breaking us up!!! I believed him!!). My urge to contact him has gone. A part of me hopes he contacts me again as I will take great delight in ignoring him!!!!! Doubt he will, but either way it's a relief not to have that sense of lack of closure. I wanted validation from this guy that I was doing the right thing going away, and wanted him to be happy for me. He is a selfish idiot and can't think about anyone but himself so the last thing I need from him is validation. Thanks - I need to vent and this is a good place!! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Just checking in. Well, Megs, I am not really that surprised that he is seeking the surfaces of a prostitute because if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. A prostitute is only seeking money, not a relationship. So, it is really a good solutiion for both parties. He gets his rocks off without the intimacy that he fears. She gets the money, no emotional strings attached. I guess you could say that your rose- colored glasses have come off; am I correct in thinking that Megs?.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dezireey Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Well I was actually going to come in on this thread and tell you the following but after your discovery of his unsavoury habits, not sure if this is of any use? - Stop analysing his actions (or any mans actions) to death and the why's and what for's - it is what it is. When a man or woman suddenly ends contact with a partner and no longer takes your calls, more often than not, that is their way of ending it. They just used an action not a word to end it. In your case, he came back many times. Once should have been enough for this guy and you should have kicked him to the kirb then. He came back and forth many times after that because he knew he could. - He was definitely seeing other women, I can guarantee from his actions (and now you have confirmation) that he was doing that. Sounds to me like he was doing the rounds - concentrating on you for a few weeks, then turning his attention to someone else, then back to you again. - I think your interest in him was based on what I call 'a monkey with it's hand in a jar'. You want all the sweets in the jar but you can't get your hand out without losing most of them, so you just sit there for as long as possible, with your hand in the jar, not letting go, despite not gaining anything whatsoever from it. - I also think that you have suffered from what TONS of people suffer from in relationships and get sucked into. He is showing you little interest, it engages more in you, he reels you back in again, it's wanting what you can't have and therefore there is the belief that this is love, when all he has done is just ignite in you that human response to chase something you cannot have. Recognising someone like this quickly and sharply when you first start dating is the key to happiness. Be with someone who either a) is quite enamoured of you from the get go or b) warms up naturally and nicely to being in love and never makes you doubt how they feel. In the end though, you realised he was not worth having after all and you were disillusioned. Now go abroad, have the time of your life, use this as a good learning experience in relationships and never settle for anything more than you deserve. I wish you luck and happiness Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 24, 2011 Author Share Posted November 24, 2011 Just checking in. Well, Megs, I am not really that surprised that he is seeking the surfaces of a prostitute because if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. A prostitute is only seeking money, not a relationship. So, it is really a good solutiion for both parties. He gets his rocks off without the intimacy that he fears. She gets the money, no emotional strings attached. I guess you could say that your rose- colored glasses have come off; am I correct in thinking that Megs?.... Oh yes chi. My glasses are well and truly off. It's amazing how blinded you can be by someone. I've been foolish in taking him back - I should absolutely have kicked him to the kirb right at the start (thank you dezireey), but wanting to believe all the things he said just blinded me - I wanted the crumbs he was giving me rather than nothing, as nothing seemed so much bleaker than the rollercoaster he had me on. I'm glad in a way it's happened now rather than before I had my plans in place to go away, as then I would have still felt sad and lost to be left with nothing, even knowing it's better than being with such a manipulative emotionless person - so now I can truly look forward to going away and starting my new life far away from him. Yes a prostitute seves him very well, and I have to wonder whether he's been doing it all along (probably has) as his ex told me that's what he engaged in. I wonder if his friends know - I don't think they do, as I would hope they realise how seedy and disgusting it is. I think he keeps it to himself. I'm still slightly angry that he was the one to ignore me, as his way of ending it, as he probably thinks I'm still pining after him...but I didn't chase at all, or ask him why, or send that email - thank god. I guess it doesn't matter. The fact is I'm lucky to be rid of him before he destroyed me completely, and he can trudge through life leaving havoc, and emtionally devasated women, in his path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 The fact is I'm lucky to be rid of him before he destroyed me completely, and he can trudge through life leaving havoc, and emtionally devasated women, in his path. Ok, Megs. You finally know the complete truth about what you thought was the love of your life. It put through hell and back, but you came through it much stronger and wiser, and you will be more astute in your further relations with men. However, he will, as you pointed out, continue leaving more women confused, heartbroken, and dismayed in his path. My guess is that most, if not all of his future women will go through exactly what you went through and never know what hit them. The experience put you through hell and back but you gained knowledge and experience that will serve you in the future. It is only because of your persistence in trying to find answers that you found them here on this forum. This forum offers invaluable assistance in providing information that is helpful to the poster. So glad that we could help, and please keep coming back....chi... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 24, 2011 Author Share Posted November 24, 2011 Thank you so much to everyone who's posted on here. Really. I can't thank you enough. I would have gone away agonising over him, missing him, wondering why he couldn't contact me and what I did wrong. I wouldn't have enjoyed my time away and may even have come back for him! I feel so much wiser - I've learnt a great deal to take with me into future relationships, and a lot about myself that I had no idea about before. I just hope I can offer some help to other people in similar positions. It's amazing how completely anonymous strangers can help you through such destructive times! Thank you so much! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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