megs1000 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Thank you Bunghole! That's exactly what I don't want - to come accross needy. I would like him to know that he's being a d#ck by ignoring me like this, especially when I'm going away, when he has no reason to be scared I want to pin him down to a relationship (that's what's confusing me so much!! He could even pretend to care just to come accross as a nice guy!!! it's not as though we've argued or anything!) and that there's no need for him to pull away as though I'm some kind of monster, and that I'd like us to be on good terms moving forward. He's known my plans all along (not that I'd finally made my decision) and all was cool. I just don't get what's changed. He now knows I'm definitely going as i updated my facebook status (which got lots of really positive comments, so hopefully that make him feel a little bad - maybe not). Thanks I know I shouldn't need anything from him, but it just seems so unnecessary for him to vanish like this, and I want to say something to that effect. Is there anything that you would suggest I say? Thanks again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Don't you feel at all angry with him?? I don't understand how you can not hate and despise him for what he's put you through. He doesnn't deserve any nice polite email. He deserves your loathing and contempt. He's an idiot. Stop being so nice about all this! You're right I should be angry - I AM angry at him, I have spent the last 2 weeks almost shaking with anger and frustration. But that's the feeling I want to get rid of. For some reason I like to move forward with no hard feelings no matter what the situation, as I find it easier to move on that way. But I agree there's no reason I should be the one trying to smooth things over in reality. He's put me through such hell. Would you say anything? Or just leave it NC (I just feel leaving it no contact makes me a bit of a doormat and I want to be the bigger person here and put him in his place somehow). Does that make any sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Sorry kitbit just saw this... yes I've been asking myself the same question. Why do I need him to be happy for me? I guess so that I feel like the last 2 years meant something to him. As at the moment it feels as though he's erased me from his life and memory. Right now I don't want to send anything, but I know the urge will come back... hopefully I can be strong enough not to. Seems such a waste somehow though. The last few posts today have really helped me feel a little stronger still. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kibit Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Megs, the last two years meant something to YOU and you have learned some valuable life lessons. What those years meant to him in the final analysis has nothing to do with you and your future happiness/success. I know that feeling of wondering if anything my EX and I experienced had any impact on HIM whatsoever. In all honesty, it's what you have learned from it that puts your feet on the right path to finding someone that mirrors the obviously very caring and loving person you are. He has his own path now to dredge through. You're on your way to finding your own inner strength and happiness by taking care of you. Your light will shine. What it's meant to him you may never know, and might haunt you for some time to come. Pfffft, thank him for those lessons in a soft prayer and let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I agree with Kibit. Reflect on what it means to you, but maybe save that for later. For now, focus forward as much as possible, on what good experiences you imagine yourself in in the future, or are open to now, but unattached to the idea of being with a particular person. It's a confusing thing, finding meaning in the past relationship when it's ended up broken. I find my perspective changes as time passes, and I feel any conclusions I draw about the past are not accurate. It does have some value looking back and making some conclusions that I haven't before, or had forgotten, but I still view them as changeable and useful only in moving me on in healing. But it's exhausting. Take from it what you know you want in the future, the qualities, feelings, and experiences you want more of in your life, and fine tune those elements in your mind so that you know yourself well and what you expect in a healthy relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Thank you. I actually walked home from work smiling today after the last few posts, and had a drink with a friend of mine who described it as follows: I'm making massive changes to my life and it's scary (as it would be for anybody) - I'm knocking down pillars in my life (leaving work, selling my flat, moving abroad) and in doing that I want to hold on to the pillars that remain, and want/need support from them. I am trying to hold on to him as a pillar, to support me and be behind me in this scary time, yet he is only a cloud of dust in the shape of a pillar. He was never really there in the way I thought he was. He looked perfect, and gave me what I needed temporarily, and kept reappearing as my pillar, but when it came down to it, he was merely dust, not holding me up in any way. It's sad, but that really hit the nail on the head. The pillars that will remain, still remain - my friends, family, me and everything I have to give. And they're the ones that will stay there. While he told me he was behind me he never really was. That comes down to his selfishness and lack of ability to really care for anyone other than himlself. And I know from his past relationships that's how he's always been. It hurts, but it's quite comforting to think of it like that, and that the true pillars will always be there, and hopefully some day there will be another pillar who does truly love me for who I am. I'm trying to see it that I had an amazing time with him, and even though the way he's chosen to end it is cruel and unfair, there's nothing I can do to change that. I'm moving on to better things and I guess it had to end somehow. And maybe it's easier for it to end this way for him - he's said before it's impossible to say goodbye to me. So maybe he's just avoiding the inevitable ending. I don't know. Or maybe he just never cared at all. I still might send somthing, but I agree with the posts on here that it's best not to send anything while feeling emotional. No matter how you think it comes accross I guess it will always look needy. I saw something on facebook tonight which set me back a bit, but generally feeling a bit stronger each day, so will hold out, and see how I feel in a week or two I guess... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
why do we Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Or just leave it NC (I just feel leaving it no contact makes me a bit of a doormat and I want to be the bigger person here and put him in his place somehow). Does that make any sense? Kick him off facebook and you life. You will get a chance to ignore him, believe me. Then he will be in for surprise, because it's probably not the first time he's done it to other people and not many of them had the dignity and strength to demonstrate their contempt. He is being disrespectful, why should give him any more time. If in time he has a good excuse or wants to take relationship to another level he will find a way to let you know. If not he's not worth it, you gave him chances already. It's just always like that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 megs read this too, it is about closure! link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offplanet Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 You're right I should be angry - I AM angry at him, I have spent the last 2 weeks almost shaking with anger and frustration. But that's the feeling I want to get rid of. For some reason I like to move forward with no hard feelings no matter what the situation, as I find it easier to move on that way. But I agree there's no reason I should be the one trying to smooth things over in reality. He's put me through such hell. Would you say anything? Or just leave it NC (I just feel leaving it no contact makes me a bit of a doormat and I want to be the bigger person here and put him in his place somehow). Does that make any sense? If it were me, I wouldn't be able to resist saying something. It would be something succint and terse! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 If it were me, I wouldn't be able to resist saying something. It would be something succint and terse! such as? from someone objective? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 ok it feels right now as though: he realises I'm going away in 2 months therefore he feels there's no point in communicating with me anymore.... he doesn't necessarily want me to go, but he doesn't particularly like the fact I'm leaving as I won't be there as his fall back any more. He has someone else in the background, who isn't going anywhere, so has decided to focus his attention on her...he gets the thrill of the chase with her, and the attention he craves, that he is about to lose with me, so I have been shunned and discarded as he has no use for me anymore. And he has NO IDEA how much of a massive deal it is for me, and how scary it is to be moving away from my life here. And has no empathy or consideration of my feelings - just how it affects him, and he's disgruntled, so is punishing me by ignoring me. I don't know if this is the case, but that's how it feels. After 2 years of being so in love with me, planning a future together, being friends with his friends, doing everything together, I DO NOT understand how someone could do that. Not even a word. Not a 'It's easier, as you're going, that we don't see each other any more' or a 'I'm happy for you following your dream and wish you well' or a 'I've met someone else - sorry'. NOTHING. Totally discarded like a piece of cr@p. I really think there's something wrong with him!!! Trying desperately to find an explanation is exhausting and driving me crazy. I don't think there is one. I don't think he fits any label other than sociopath. I want to say something that puts him in his place still, as I really feel like a doormat just keeping silent. What would anyone else say in my position? OR is silence stronger than words (in this case I'm really not sure)...? sorry just having an angry afternoon and needed to VENT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 you need to learn and find your inner peace!...it is when the thoughts, emotions and spirituality are in harmony. It is a state of being which creates the ability to handle personal reality in a positive manner. Achieving this state of being is important if you want to be able to avoid the self-defeating turmoil which can take control of your life with addictive same repeating experiences.If you want to move on you have to go beyond your emotions!....there is a big difference between daily emotional happiness and the EXISTENSIAL JOY which results from achiving the inner peace......Achiving inner peace is the ONLY way to manifest a peaceful and Lasting outside reality!...you have to learn, and move on from within!,.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Thanks cocoon. I'm sorry to keep coming back to this, but I think at the moment the only way I can move on with inner peace is if I send him something. I have to bear in mind that he may be seeing someone else, so I don't want it to be needy or angry. I just want to mark an end in an level headed, confident way, that allows me to move forward knowing I haven't been a complete doormat, putting him in his place somehow that may make him reflect and feel slightly bad and stupid for selfishly vanishing on me right now, and that there was no need for it when I'm leaving in 2 months anyway. Something that doesn't warrant a response, but something that leaves me with peace and feeling less, as I said, like a doormat. Everything I write, even though I don't want it to, sounds a little needy. Does anyone have any thoughts on what they might say in my position or what words might come accross to that effect? Or even if you think it's abssolutely the wrong thing to do please let me know. Thanks x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kibit Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Megs, as I've mentioned before, I too have felt very similar to you in that I wanted to send off an email to my Ex just to 'close' that door. While my situation is very different than yours in that I harbored a ton of anger, mostly at myself, I've had that email sitting in my draft box for a few days without sending it. I've edited it a gazillion times, I've questioned more on 'why' I wanted to send it -- what were my motives. I've wondered if I'd get any response, and if I did how would I feel about that.....on and on and on I went. Finally yesterday, I did actually break NC (which I know everyone says don't do it) and sent this email off. I have no idea if he read it, frankly don't care if he did.....nor do I care if he ever responds, nor if it is matters at all to him. What I had to say was more than likely not in the same context that you're wanting your message to get accross, so I can't offer any suggestions on words. My feelings now afterwards are rather all over the map. But, I can say, I did what I did for me -- not him. Since I was the bigger person in this whole BU and behaved in a mature, decent way, I needed to let 'myself' know I had to stand up for me. I'm human, make mistakes, and sometimes for me anyway just cannot 'turn the other cheek' as they say. These forums all say DO NOT CONTACT. Did I make a mistake in doing that? I'm sure some will say yes. For me I say no. Each person's needs are different. You have to follow your own gut in knowing what you feel is best for YOU. Your situation is, as I said, completely different than mine. As an outsider to what you are going through, it would seem to me that if you do send something it will not give you what you need which is "inner peace." And if you sent something, you just might be wondering, did he read it? Did it mean anything to him? Will he respond? etc. etc. etc. If you're feeling that what you have to say is 'needy' then DO NOT DO IT. The 'needy' part of what you're wanting to say in and of itself is your own message. You are not a doormat -- you, from what you've written are a caring, understanding and sincere person about to embark on an amazing journey for yourself. Does it hurt when someone doesn't recognize those qualities? Absolutely, but then again how can they recognize them when they have no CLUE what they are or mean. Keep your values intact. When one door closes, another opens, and I know for you, someone is going to see down the road that you are very special. I found another forum/post where people can write messages to their Ex's without actually doing it. I read tons of those and it really helped me. You might consider writing to your Ex there rather than actually sending one to him? Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 I just want to mark an end in an level headed, confident way, that allows me to move forward...something that leaves me with peace and feeling less... Does anyone have any thoughts on what they might say in my position or what words might come accross to that effect? Or even if you think it's abssolutely the wrong thing to do please let me know. Megs, I've been pondering doing something symbolic to help bring closure, exploring the idea of a divorce ritual or small ceremony, something low key signifying the ending of the relationship and embarking of my new self. (I started a thread for sharing ideas.) We have rituals for marriage, death, birthdays, new years, holidays and I believe they help us acknowledge transitions on a deep level and move us into a new level of understanding and acceptance. It's common here to want to send a heartfelt letter to the ex, or have a final discussion for closure, but it is generally discouraged as unhelpful for healing. That impulse for closure seems built in—we are seeking a ritual of sorts. I don't think you should send him the letter. I doubt it will deliver the message to him you hope it will, and not significantly reduce your pain. Would you consider doing something symbolic, alone or with a group of supportive friends? Burning something old, lighting a new candle, burying something symbolic of the past, planting a new seedling, washing away old hurts, cleansing and adorning with a new piece of clothing or jewelry... If we were in the same neighborhood we could have group eNA "Moving On" ceremony. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 I agree with both kuibit and journeyknow, and want to add that inner peace does not come from cooling off your emotion but from forgiveness!,.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Kitbit, thanks so much for your post - I really appreciate it. Well done for sending your message if you feel it's the right thing to do for you. I guess my reason for wanting to do it is that when he's disappeared like this in the past I have always sent a message of some sort and it did help me draw a line under it and move forward, knowing that I've been the bigger person and he's been the idiot for disappearing. Then obviously a few weeks later he would always come back. And it feels so wrong and empty that I could potentially leave the country without having said anything, and feel no sense of closure. So from that point of view I think I should (but I just wish I could think of the right words). But what stops me is firstly that it's now nearly 3 weeks since his last contact - he's probably with someone new, isn't thinking about me at all, may think I'm not thinking about it either and could have moved on too... and a mail from me now will make it seem as though I've been thinking about it contstantly for the last 3 weeks (and therefore EXTRA needy). Obviously I have but he doesn't know that. Journeynow - thank you for your post too. Haha yes a moving on ceremony would be great! Lol. Funnily enough when he disappeared one time before, I did actually burn a shirt of his that he left at my place, ceremoniously on my patio, and it did feel good. That was my moving on point (before he came back again). I do have some of his clothes - maybe I should burn them too! I think I should probably not send the mail. What I should really do is delete him on Facebook and use that as my closure. But that fills me with dread and I don' think I can bring myself to do it. Somehow that would reinforce the fact that the last 2 years have amounted to nothing. I may feel better about doing that having sent him a mail and got no response... Also if I don't send a mail I don't know if I will stop thinking about it, and wondering if he'll contact me again. I guess I also think that if I do email and he doesn't respond, then I will know that he's gone for good and it will be a relief in a way to be able to stop hoping and wondering whether he will. I kind of final option for him to get in touch, and if he doesn't that's me told and can move forward knowing I've done what I can. It's just so cruel and unfair that there has been no ending conversation or text. It's the fact that my our last messages were: him: 'how's your evening looking?' and me: 'just had a pub lunch but no plans later, why?' ... and that was it. Relationship ended. And I'm supposed to move on and just be fine with that. Hence why I need to say something!! But what?! (and so the thinking cycle repeats itself)... Cocoon - thanks. I guess that's why I want to send a level headed email - to leave things on a good, rather than bitter, note. Although I know I shouldn't have to be the one reaching out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kibit Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Meggs, don't beat yourself up over the flip-flopping that's going on in your head right now. From what I can tell, you are not ready to make a decision on what's best for you, and that's perfectly OK. Quiet your mind if you can, the answers will come to you -- Truly, there doesn't need to be an 'ending' conversation. That's already happened. Your ending conversation is going on in just your head right now, not his. You're trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense. That is the cruel part for us. My observation is, you're not quite ready to let go, and that is ok. We all process these things in different ways and different time-frames. When you are, your answers will come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 Thanks Kitbit. Through someone else's thread on here I found these articles, and (momentarily at least) it's actually made things a lot clearer. I've put up with so much, taken him back each time, and if he can be so immature, cowardly and such an idiot to not respond to my last text as a way of ending the relationship, then he really isn't worth all the time and energy I'm putting into this. My strength and composure comes from not saying anything... not giving him the satisfaction of knowing it's still eating me up... walking away, as he has, to continue with my life and plan my exciting future. I hope these articles might help some others on here too. Great site! link removed link removed link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I really think there's something wrong with him!!! Trying desperately to find an explanation is exhausting and driving me crazy. I don't think there is one. I don't think he fits any label other than sociopath. The explanation is that he is a commitment phobe; not a sociopath.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 He's definitely a commitment phobe, but in the book most commitment phobes say 'i can't see you any more' or 'I'm sorry I can't do this' or something... not just vanish without a single word! That's what I don't get. It seems so extreme! A commitment phobe, crossed with a coward, selfish, immature idiot, is what I think he is. I guess if he had said those words I would be in no different position, but that, in a way, would be my closure - at least he said it. But I just have to take from his actions that that's what he's saying to me - and that's hard. I've even said to him before 'a f#@k you would be better than being ignored'. And he's agreed and says he knows - he just thought at the time it was better to 'leave me be'. What??!! I don't know if he's a coward, or if he doesn't want to say it so that he thinks his options are open to come back, but whatever it is, it's cruel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Well, Megs...my commitment phobe did not give me an ending either...he just disappeared also. I thought he was laying in the ditch somewhere (just like the book says). So there is really no set way on how they end it. As you stated, it gives them the opportunity in the future to come back with "some explanation" for their dissapearance as lame as it may be. I really think he will resurface in the future. That is why I want you to be fully informed about his behavior and you won't be duped into accepting whatever explanation he offers you. This man is not capable of a loving relatiionship. That is really all you need to know. I know it is difficult for you to deal with all this. Believe me, I know...chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 Really? I'm sorry to hear that Chi. Had he done it before? What did you do? Did he get back in touch at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Really? I'm sorry to hear that Chi. Had he done it before? What did you do? Did he get back in touch at all? Oh, it was long ago. Yes, he had done it before, There was a period of years after before we reunited. I thought he learned something from the first go around. (I had not yet realized he was a commitment phobe). The second time around is when I finally figured it out. I was the one that ended it, technically, the second go around because I finally understood that he would never commit and be with me. I wasted so much time on that guy. When it ended the last time, though, he himself understood that he was a commitment phobe, so he fully understood why I ended it. He did get in touch with me one last time just before Christmas one year a few years back. I was Christmas shopping at the local mall when a call came in on my cell phone. I answered not knowing who it was. He wished me a Merry Christmas and told me that " I hope you find someone nice." I replied, "I think that I already have! I remember telling him one time that being the way he was was very hurtful to me. His answer was that it was very hurtfuil to him also. So, go figure..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 P.S. It is tough to bring your emotional understanding up to your intellectual understanding....chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.