What can I say to him? Please help...

[chitown9]

Yes thanks it does. Obviously I hope deep down he will contact me, if only so I know that I meant something to him.

 

You will give up all this hoping after you read the book, but it will be in a good way. You will finally be at peace with the whole matter. Just know that you do mean something to him. He loves you, but he will never be able to commit to you, which is an essential necessity in a loving relationship. You will never get what you need from this man. Know the truth, and the truth will set you free.....

[megs1000]

You will give up all this hoping after you read the book, but it will be in a good way. You will finally be at peace with the whole matter.

 

Thanks Chi. Can't wait to read it! Wish I had it now!

[chitown9]

Thanks Chi. Can't wait to read it! Wish I had it now!

 

You will enjoy the book, actually, in the manner in which it was written. Wish I could know you in the "real world," but cyperspace get the job done I guess. ((HUGS)) .....chi

[cocoon2012]

Never make a decision "to not love" , ...because that means to go for our fear and our comfort zone!, this is when you are going to say yes to repetition of the same experience but only in new form!, .....WE ARE NOT OUR EMOTIONS, you don't know this and he doesn't know either!, this is a MUST LEARN, in the course of life and once it is learned we become emotionally matured.The COMMITMENT ISSUE is about not being EMOTIONALLY MATURED!....this will become a cycle of repetition and addiction until it is learned, ...and sadly many people do not learn it during their whole life course!..

[why do we]

I personally think there may be a much simpler explanation than "he's in love but anxious commitmentphobe" as there practically always is. He probably has someone else on the go (which would explain disappearances before birthday etc) or is a member of some dating site. But it doesn't matter as much as the distinct lack of respect here. That's what won't change, so go on do your own thing, because he's doing his without worrying how it affects others.

[chitown9]

I personally think there may be a much simpler explanation than "he's in love but anxious commitmentphobe" as there practically always is. He probably has someone else on the go (which would explain disappearances before birthday etc) or is a member of sme dating site.

 

Commitment phobes very often have someone else on the go as this is a distancing method they use. When they have several women in the mix it is impossible to commit to any one of them. Of course, we are using men as an example. Women are also just as capable of being commitment phobic.....chi

[megs1000]

I'm almost 100% sure he has someone else on the go - I didn't go into too many details of our relationship, as when I write it down it seems totally ludicrous that I would take him back, either once or several times, as I have done. I know from finding emails that he has been chatting with his exes from way back telling them he wishes they could be together (they live overseas where he's originally from) - long chats, but then he suddenly stops contacting them. Weirdly he does this with people who are far away from him (geographically) - perhaps because it's attention he craves and it's easy as there's no commitment pressure with them being overseas. Yet weirdly I have been a constant for the last 2 years (bar the short periods of vanishing obviously Maybe he's had other people on the go in London, hence the disappearances - probably so (although the thought hurts massively), but his friends all know me, he's taken me out with him to work functions, I spend a lot of time as his place with his flatmates - so if he is juggling many people at once what must they think?! Or perhaps they don't know.

 

I would love to contact his flatmate now (who I get on with quite well) to ask why he's disappeared. But I know he'll just take his side and I won't get a straight answer. And do be honest if he is seeing someone else I really don't want to know.

 

I prefer the explanation that this situation has made him so anxious that he doesn't want to deal with it, therefore has vanished (and doesn't care at all what it's doing to me) - maybe he's using another girl as a distraction, but I can take some comfort in the fact that he's using her in the same way and at some point he'll do the same to her (not comfort that she'll get hurt obviously - I feel very sorry for her, but comfort that it's not just me).

 

I'm off to read the book....

[megs1000]

Ok I've read the book. Thanks Chi - he definitely fits the bill in every possible extreme way of being a commitmentphobe. He has done everything in the book, and more, and I have been the foolish one in letting him back in and letting him hurt me again. I know that. But what I don't understand is why over the last 2 years he has kept on coming back... (I know you'll say because I let him, and maybe that's why). But if the feelings of being with me make him so scared and panic-stricken that he literally vanishes without a word - one evening holding me, telling me he loves me, planning holidays, events... then the next nothing... for weeks/months. Inspite of knowing how much it's hurting me and how I've tried to forget him and move on because of it. Why then did he keep on coming back, apologising, acknowledging what he did and how much he hurt me, promising never to do it again... each time seemed more relaxed because I didn't expect anything from him - I never let him back in easily - I was constantly on guard, wondering if he meant it this time, or whether he'd disappear... I'd give it time and yes, admittedly, I would get comfortable with the idea that he meant it this time, and then he'd vanish.

 

This is where it got to this time, but I hadn't let myself too comfortable... for the last 3 months I was wary - I didn't chase, I let him initiate all contact, he knew I was still making plans to go away (hence no real fear I wanted commitment, which is the reason I thought he wasn't disappearing) - why then, now, that I have made my plans to go away, has he vanished? He told me he'd support me either way, whether I stay or go... and I thought that would have been a good option for him - no commitment, no long term plans... just enjoying each other now, and having a great time. Why then has he now vanished without even being able to ask what my plans are or even say goodbye? I would have thought this was best case senario for him - nothing to be afraid of as I'm moving to another continent. Why can't he even pretend to care (he's clearly very good at that in the beginning!) - ie ask what decision I've made, continue to have a great time together and be happy for me that I was going on a big adventure, as he said he was. He knows it's my dream. I don't understand why he's being so extreme in his behaviour, cutting me off, at this moment.

 

Yes maybe he is seeing someone else. But from what I think I know about our past relationship, and I definitely know about his previous relationships, he is capable of communicating with more than one girl at a time. I'm not saying I want him to be seeing someone else at the same time as me, but it seems so strange that he would cut me off completely like this, now he knows I'm probably going away. I just would have thought, if anything, that would ease his anxiety and make him feel more relaxed around me.

 

Sorry I'm just having a venting moment because I'm so confused. Hopefully I'll have more clarity again tomorrow. I know him disappearing is the best scenario, as if he were still here I'd still be doubting my decision to go away. But I just don't want to leave with this feeling that I literally meant nothing to him - not even enough to have the respect to wish me well or say goodbye or anything. It just hurts and I still would like to send him something so just tell him my plans, tell him I'm not sure why he's chosen to vanish like this, but to wish him well, or something. Won't, but I just feel this massive need for some kind of closure before I go away. Something that will make his feel less anxious and erase his need to treat me like I'm his worst enemy, as that's how it feels at the moment.

[chitown9]

Well, as far as his coming and going....that is because he likes getting your love and adoration, who wouldn't? However, as things are going on well between the two of you, his anxiety level is getting higher and higher until he reaches the level he just can't deal with it, so he bails. When he is away from you his anxiety level lowers and lowers and finally he start thinks about the positive things about you (your love and adoration), and he wants it back. So he is back, and now you have curtain calls as explained in the book.

 

You did not understand the dynamics of what he was doing, so don't blame yourself for taking him back. Most people would have done the same thing. However, it is his pattern of leaving and coming back that makes him a likely canidate for being a commitment phobe. After awhile you need to figure it out because now it has become a pattern of his behavior. This is a big red flag.

He doesn't want to have any heart to heart conversations with you right now because he cannot deal with it so he is not dealing with it by staying away. I already explained this. This is another red flag. There is always the possibility that he may try to get back with you in the future. This is known as curtain calls, as explained in the book. I am trying to impart as much information to you so that you will never take him back because now you know that he will never commit to you. He will likely have other girlfriends besides you so that he is not committed to any one person. In short, he is not husband material.

 

Megs, this closure that you so desperately want from him is not going to happen. You need to reconcile yourself to the fact that it is not going to happen. He is not thinking of your feelings whatsoever. He is only thinking about how anxious he feels and how he wants to alleviate it. Your closure is that you now know that he is a commitment phobe and all that that entails.

 

I really hope that you can move on now.... ...chi

[cocoon2012]

Hi Megs

Sorry I have been busy last couple of days but i still care for this thread!..... I still think i do have your answer!.. commitment to another person never works!.. The ONLY single commitment that makes our life and activities meaningful is the commitment to our own freedom of choice and growth.

In relation commitment to our partner create a cycle of disempowerment, with neither

one having control over the other’s decisions or values and neither one committing to

their own fulfillment. Committing to your self-discovery, your empowerment, your values, and to following

your heart creates emotional strength and self-sufficiency, which makes you compelling

and attractive to others. Committing to someone else, in the hope of earning their love, on

the other hand, makes you needy and dependent, which ultimately pushes others away. I think in your relation from its very begging you gave up yourself to your emotions, you changed your life plans and you changed yourself from being committed to yourself to being committed to him>…when we do so we inversely effect the life growth and challenges of life towards stagnation. (by stagnation I mean delay in our growth process)…..Set yourself free, he may come back or not,> you better concentrate on finishing your own dependency and let your relations shape and grow freely. Good luck

[megs1000]

Thanks Cocoon I see what you mean - that in the beginning I considered changing my life and staying in London for him... which I admit I did do in a way. However the main reason I stayed was because I had applied for a masters course overseas, and in the end didn't get offered a place. And work began going much better (and I met him) so I was quite happy to stay and be with him.

 

But yes I think he sensed I may decide to stay this time because we were so happy, and maybe that's why he's decided to back off completely.

 

I think it's cruel and unfair that he has literally disappeared without a word, without asking how I am, whether I've handed my notice in, or when I might be going... as though our whole relationship never meant a thing to him. Not a jot. It's cruel that his last texts to me were 'I care massively about your decisions, my head is a mess' and then 'how's your evening looking?' to which he ignored my response. And especially having said that no matter what I decide I will have his love and support. What a joke?! I feel a massive sense of lack of closure and don't know how he can be so cruel, heartless and uncaring. And especially because, as he's disappeared before, he knows exactly how much he's hurting me by doing this.

 

But I do know that I have an opportunity now to get away from this guy who has hurt me so much, be in a completely new environment, learn new things and start a new life. As you say, I will be doing something I feel really passionate about and hopefully will regain my self-confidence and self-respect. And then who knows what that will bring. I hope it will enable me to get over him quickly and get to a stage where I wonder why I put up with him, and how I let his actions hurt me so immensely.

 

I think for the last 2 weeks I've been expecting him to contact me, as he has before, being apologetic and telling me he is sad I'm going but happy for me that I'm following my dream. And each day that's gone by that he hasn't done that I've been more and more hurt and upset, but now I'm beginning to realise that he's not going to do that. He's left for the final time and doesn't see any point in contacting me because I'll be gone in 2 months, so his attention is now elsewhere. That hurts more than I can explain, but if that's the way he wants to be then it really is his problem, and I don't want to waste any more time being hurt by someone who cares so little.

 

Thanks so much. Feeling a little better today, but as with all these things it's ups and downs. Really appreciate all the responses xx

[cocoon2012]

you Dont need to get away with anyone ,just be comfortable with yourself!....Our inner peace brings peace to our outer world. our inner being creates our outer reality. just move beyond you emotions. our longs do not have muscels and our breathing can become very much emotional in defferent situations which can contol all our being and our reactions. we as human can go beyond our emotion and we can bring rythem and happines to our life by staying attached to our unique art and becoming master of our own selves. I am an emotional person too and i do daily swiming, joging, rope jump,...to train my breathing pattern. It is like 10 years that i do it almost every day and freeing myself from my emotional being and emotional reactions. reading articles about emotional maturity and detachment may be useful too!

[chitown9]

 

 

I think for the last 2 weeks I've been expecting him to contact me, as he has before, being apologetic and telling me he is sad I'm going but happy for me that I'm following my dream

 

Sorry to say, but the only expectation you can have from a commitment phobe is that you will end up being dissappointed and devestated....that is why I said: Welcome to the wonderful world of commitment phobia. Just know that this was in no way your fault. How were you to know? However, now you do know about this and you will never be roped into a relationship like this again. To be forewarned is to be forearmed..... Consider it a blessing that you will be moving far away from him...chi

[megs1000]

Thanks Chi. Having a bad weekend. I'm scared that I'm not going to stop feeling like this. It feels like he's punishing me for deciding to go away. It was a hard enough decision as it is, and a scary enough prospect that I'm changing my life and am not sure what the future holds, and the support of friends and loved ones is massively important and a great help. I guess as he is the person I love the most it was important for me to know he was behind me... but now I feel so lost and empty and terrified. I know I shouldn't need anything from him, but just one phone call, or even a text message would make this awful pain ease a little. With his love and support, as he promised me I had, I was happy and excited about going away... now I'm filled with dread, that I might go away feeling like this, be away from my friends and family and regret my decision.

 

I just don't know why he's doing it. It's now 2 weeks since the the last contact from him. I guess it's also the fact that the last text from him was asking how my evening was looking. To which I replied saying I had no plans and asked if he was thinking of coming over... he never replied. Did he do that just so that I'd be left hanging and helpless? I have been strong and not contacted him since, but I really feel I need to send something to save my own peace of mind and to give me some closure on it. So I can start to look forward and become excited about moving away. But then the thought that he might be with someone else stops me (and makes me feel physically sick).

 

I just don't know how to get past this and start feeling good again. I wake up (like now) with that sickening realisation of what's happening and that maybe that really is the last I'll hear from him. I'm writing this in tears. I think maybe I need to speak to someone professional but I wouldn't know where to start. I just need something to slap some sense into me and realise that I'm much better off without him. But it helps to be able to get it out on here...

[cocoon2012]

you should not fall in with the practices of others. you should not try to be all-knowing, let the things pass without leting your weakness adding to his power. i thing there is no hope for improvment of this relation. stay true to your course and show every one watching that you are above your emotions,...good luck!

[chitown9]

 

I just don't know why he's doing it. It's now 2 weeks since the the last contact from him.

 

He is doing this because intimacy makes him extremely anxious. By avoiding you he is avoiding experiencing that anxiety. Intimacy is his enemy. The longer he is away from you the better he feels because his anxiety lessens considerably. When he reaches the point of not feeling so anxious he may contact you. Curtain call. I hope that you don't take the bait. Please take the book with you when you make the move. Consider it your bible. Megs, I think that the whole problem here is that you cannot see things from his perspective. Think about what a phobia is and what that all entails. Only then will you see why he is doing it. I am not saying that it is a good thing at all that he is behaving this way. I am only trying to explain to you why he is behaving this way. He may even beg for you to take him back if he makes a curtain call. It would be a drastic mistake for you to ever take him back. He will just repeat the performance. I have been through it. I am trying to save you from more pain....

[megs1000]

It just feels so awful that he has walked away without a word. It just says he doesn't care in the slightest about what I do, and never did. I do understand what you're saying, and I know he's trying to avoid an intimate conversation that may make him anxious, but it's just so rude, selfish and uncaring! The thing is I want to send him something that allows me to feel some kind of closure on the situation, without eliciting any response. A farewell of some sort. As without that I'm scared I'm just going to keep on feeling this pain and not be able to move forward. I don't know if I will, but if I do I want to make it not too intense or angry/hurt-sounding, just something level headed and positive that won't make him feel more anxiety and just allows me to put it behind me and start to look forward to going away.

 

But then I'm worried that I may (even though I don't want to) hope for a response and if I don't get one it may make me feel worse. But I just think I can't feel much worse than I do at the moment. I feel by not contacting him I am implying I never cared either... I think I need to do it for my own closure. But I'm so scared of feeling any more pain than I do at the moment.

[cocoon2012]

megs read this link, it might be helpful!,....link removed

[megs1000]

Thank you. Really good article. I know I need to move on from this relationship, that he's bad for me and there is no future in it. That he can never commit to me. And that's the main reason I decided to move away. The problem is that he hasn't broken up with me, nor I him. He was loving and supporting me with my move, and somehow that gave me the confidence to do it. I hate to leave things on a bad note, or worse with nothing. He has simply cut contact. With no explanation or closure. He asked me a question, indicating he cared somewhat, then ignored my response. And I haven't chased, as I guess I've been expecting him to contact me. I don't know whether he's just erased the memory of me from his mind, mentally cut me out of his life, whether he's found someone else so doesn't feel the need to communicate with me any more... but whatever it is it feels as though it was all lies and he never cared in the slightest. That everything we had was just a lie. But it wasn't to me. He's been the most important part of my life for the last 2 years. Him just cutting me off like this is destroying my confidence and motivation, and I feel unless I get some closure on the situation I won't be confident in the move. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach all the time. I think he does care, and as Chi said, just doesn't want to deal with the situation, but I just want him to be happy for me, or at least to show some consideration for my feelings. That's all I'm asking. It feels like he's blocking me and not contacting me as a way of punishing me and making me hurt so that my leaving will be as difficult as possible.

 

That's why I want to say something to him that just marks an end in some way... that will perhaps make him realise there was no need to cut me off like this. I just want him to be happy for me, as he said he would be. I want to be able to move forward with confidence, having said farewell and wishing him well. I guess I'm asking, if I were to send something along those lines what can I say that doesn't make me look needy?

 

I can see on facebook he's happy and chatting to people and competed in a race at the weekend that he was so looking forward to. Obviously I know his life isn't going to stop moving because I'm not in it, but I just don't understand why I'm not, when he has known my plans and still came back to be with me knowing that... offering his support. Just to pull the rug from under me. (yes I know I should delete him on fb but at the moment the way I'm feeling I don't think that will do me any good).

 

I wish I could just forget him and move forward without this awful sinking feeling, but as it's been 2 weeks and I am not feeling any better, I think I need to say something to him as closure just for my own peace of mind. But as I said what scares me is the thought that that might make me feel worse - I would need to get my wording right, if say anything at all.

[why do we]

Megs, similar thing happened to me (i had a thread on here) - and I felt really bad for about 3-4 months. It's the cruelest thing one can do to another, whatever their reasons are, but it just shows they really are not afraid to lose you.

 

So 4 months on and here we go again. The first text from him sort of freed me from the grips of the darkness that was holding me and not letting me live for months... all the subsequent contact him now just stirs resentment, I can't even get myself to respond. I don't care what he has to say I just feel a wave of very unpleasant feeling each time I see him name on my phone, where even a month or 2 ago I had to restrain myself from going to his place and beg him to speak to me again (did I really just write that? cringe)

 

Anyhow. I hope you will be cured soon ) . He will help you to get over himself for good without realizing that himself and there's no question about - he will be back in touch, but frankly, I hope you arrive to a realization that you want nothing to do with a person like that. Take your time healing now, you are not the first or the last this happened to, you'll be fine!

[Kibit]

I too have been wrestling with sort of an 'ending' email as it were to my Ex. I haven't sent it, nor do I know if I will or not. Like you Meggs, closure on 'your' part is the most critical component. I have that same feeling of wanting to close that door for my own benefit, not his. One thing that I'm finding now that I've edited that email repeatedly is that maybe instead of sending that to him, send it to myself. Just the mere continual reading it over, changing the wording shows that day by day I'm repeating to 'myself' my worth. So, do what is always best for you and never do things in the 'heat of the moment' as they say.

 

My best to you and hope you find your own strength and courage to do what's always best for your heart.

 

Learn to expect the unexpected --

[megs1000]

Thank you. I read your thread. You're right it is the cruelest thing to do to someone. I've told him before a 'f@#k you' would be better than being blanked for no reason whatsoever. Did you delete him from Facebook? At the moment my only saving grace is that he can see I'm getting on with my life and not pining after him. But it hurts to see his updates. I absolutely know I should have nothing more to do with him, but as you say in your thread it's the lack of control - everything was fine with us, then he vanishes and I can't ask why - left hanging, wondering, helpless and it's so hard to climb back up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. It's cruel and unfair and I feel just one iota of contact from him would at least bring me out of the black hole and I'd love to have the chance to ignore him back.

 

I'm just worried about moving away still feeling like this. It's such a scary prospect as it is - leaving my home, my job and my friends, and I need to do it with confidence, and feeling good about myself. If this feeling remains I'm going to question whether I'm doing the right thing and that scares me.

[megs1000]

Thanks kitbit. Did you send the email? I've written many versions of what I want to write... but I don't know whether to. My current version is this:

 

"I’m not sure why you didn’t respond to my last text... As I said, I know it must be because you’re seeing someone else, and if that’s the case I do hope you’re very happy. Feel like I’ve said this a million times but, even if you don’t agree, no matter what the situation is, I think we were worth more than to leave things with nothing.

 

I’m going in January, just for 6 months to begin with, and it’s so frikkin scary, but super exciting. I just wish you could be happy for me. It hurts to think that you don’t care at all. That you could just walk away and not even wish me well. I hope that’s not the case, but at the moment it feels like a huge kick in the stomach.

 

If you can’t be then that’s your decision, but I just wanted to say take care, and well done on the (name of the race) – great time and position!! x"

 

Or something like that, so I can move forward with no bitterness. I probably won't send anything, but thoughts would be nice. Thanks. Actually feeling a little stronger today, but comes in waves x

[Kibit]

No Megs, I have not sent it. Rewritten it a thousand times, and read it a gazillion times to myself. Do we still care about the Ex that dumped us? Of course we do, and I don't believe that's a bad thing. We are human, and our feelings about people are not like light switches being flipped on/off. But, I've asked myself repeatedly, what is it I am truly trying to accomplish with sending a 'closure' email. What is inside me that wants to do that? I have not answered that question for myself yet. I am not expecting anything in return, I'm not trying to WIN him back, I'm not trying to prove anything or validate that I'm a good person to him. It's the 'what is it really inside me that wants/needs' to send it? I guess the old saying is true -- if we're not sure what to do, do nothing, the answer will come if we listen for it.

 

Perhaps reflect more on why it's important for you to feel that he wants you to be happy? I want my EX to be happy with his life, but frankly whatever his wishes are for me to be happy, successful or whatever, it has no control on whether I will be or not. I will have to choose what I want and not rely on him to help make it so.

 

I am glad to hear you feel a bit stronger today. As the Sara Evans lyrics/song, "Getting a Little Bit Stronger" depict, a little bit each day gets us through. And these forums truly do help!

[offplanet]

Don't you feel at all angry with him?? I don't understand how you can not hate and despise him for what he's put you through. He doesnn't deserve any nice polite email. He deserves your loathing and contempt. He's an idiot. Stop being so nice about all this!