megs1000 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, but known each other for around 4. During the 2 years he had various issues - owing money to his ex, work pressures etc., and I supported him through it all. He's handsome, sociable, charming, top in his game at sport, has a huge social circle, and I fell completely in love with him. Before we got together, however, I had planned to go overseas - I had been single for a while and began to hate living in London and felt the need to break away, be abroad and take my career in a new direction (I had lived overseas before and had the urge to go back). But getting together with him changed my view and I became happy in London with him. We had an amazing time together. But on a couple of occasions in the relationship he would just disappear - with no warning or explanation - he would simply stop contacting me and wouldn't reply to emails/texts/pick up the phone. The first time I didn't hear from him for a month. I was distraught at first, texting and calling, then just decided to go NC. Then he came back, hugely apologetic, saying he's been having a tough time, loved me so much and wanted nothing more than for us to be together, so I took him back. A few months later the same thing happened... this time for 2 weeks. Then he came back. I wanted answers and I loved him, so I let him back in, and he won me over immediately each time (in hindsite I know I should have walked away). Any way the third time it happened I decided I couldn't be treated like that so I began to make plans again to go overseas. I didn't want to, because I was so in love with him, but I couldn't keep on with this behaviour and walking on egg shells not knowing if he was going to vanish any second. Anyway, once again he came back after a month or so... completely in love with me, wanting us to work out... saying he didn't want me to go away but he would love and support me whatever I decided, and I should do what's right for me, but he would be there for me either way. This was 3 months ago... I continued making my plans - but we became so happy together again that I was beginning to have second thoughts, but knew that if I stayed for him, and he vanished again, that I would never forgive myself. He knew I was agonising over my decision about whther to go or not, but was so loving and crazy about me (or seemingly) he said once again he'd love and support me either way. He plans to move overseas in a year or two anyway so we talked about maybe me doing this and then we would live abroad together when the time is right... So 2 weeks ago I made my decision and handed my notice in at work (i have to serve 3 months) with a view to leaving in January - I have arranged to be away for 6 months, to take a step back, reset and gain perspective on the whole situation. A 6 month break before either coming back to my old job, and him, or starting a new career, either in London or overseas. But a week or so before I made the decision his contact became very infrequent. Texts and calls dried up. He didn't even ask me what I was going to do (he knew when I had to give my notice in if I was going to do it). In the few texts he sent he apologised for lack of contact, saying he was going through a tough time again - all about him, no questions about me or my decisions at all. I sensed he was about to disappear. I asked what was going on and if i could help, and he avoided the issue, and didn't ask at all how I was or what I was planning to do (yet he knew I was making the hardest decision of my life). I told him it seemed as though he didn't care at all about the decisions i was making... he eventually responded saying he cares massively about my decisions (that was all). But he STILL didn't ask what I'd decided to do! Anyway the contact stopped last Sunday. I had handed my notice in, but I didn't want to tell him that over text, so had hoped to see him... but he wouldn't respond to me in any way. My texts were light hearted just asking how he was etc.. The last text I had from him was him asking how my evening was looking last Sunday (almost a week ago) - I thought that meant he wanted to come over and see me, so I said I didn't have plans and asked if he wanted to come over, but he didn't respond that's the last I heard from him. I really don't know what to do now. I have left it and not contacted him, as he's ignoring me and I don't want to chase him - he clearly has his reasons but I have no idea what they are! He may sense that I'm going away and therefore have backed off completely, but he doesn't know what I've decided to do! And hasn''t even bothered to ask!! It hurts that he could do that and act like he doesn't care in the slightest. He told me I had his love and support whatever I decide, and I believed that, but when I really needed him he wasn't there for me, and I've had to go through all of this without even being able to speak to him on the phone. I want to tell him what I'm planning and for him to be supportive and happy for me, but instead he's vanished and couldn't care less. I know maybe he doesn't want to influence my decision, but to ignore me and leave me hanging without a clue whether I'll see or hear from him again is so unfair! It hurts so much. I want to text or email (I know he won't pick up the phone) to let him know how much he's hurting my doing this, and I just need him to let me know what's going on - find out why he's vanished and why he says he cares but hasn't bothered to ask what decision I've made, or even how I am. What should I do? I know I should probably just remain no contact and focus on leaving, but it's ripping my insides out that I can't talk to him about it and we might never speak/see each other again. I don't know if maybe he's seeing someone else and that's why he's disappeared, in which case I'd feel a total idiot sending him a needy message asking him to contact me. I did ask him when I sensed he was vanishing, and he said there definitely wasn't anyone else, just that his head was a mess. I need to say something, but I have no idea what, without looking needy and desperate. What should I do? Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks so much xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GingerMinx Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Three time she has run off without a word and left you wondering, how many times doe sit take before you realize he is all about his own ego and not about you? I would let him go, go on your trip, have fun, and get on with your life when you get back without him. I am not saying it is easy, but don't you think you deserve better than that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I think you have to revise your dependency! " We attract what we are, and we do not attract what we want", ......there is always a distance between what we want and what we are and that distance is filled with our fear!,...., I think you better take your own decision for your own life, that is how you can attract the things towards yourself!....there is another important saying which says"if you want to know something or someone is yours just set it free, if it came back to you it is yours, otherwise it has never been yours to start with!.....Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Thanks for replying! I know gingerminx I do deserve a lot better... i don't know how he can be so intentionally hurtful and make it so blatant that he doesn't care what I do. Or how selfish he's being. Maybe he will come back at some point and say he did it because he didn't want to stand in the way of my going, but there's no need for him to act so heartless now? Cocoon thank you - are you saying the same as ginger that I should just not say anything to him? And let the relationship just end with no words? I guess if it is going to end I'd like to say something for the sake of closure if nothing else... but I don't even know if he thinks we're over! But almost a week with no contact definitely makes it seem that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I think you deserve alot better than this guy can give you and you need to go full NC on him and never talk to him again. I doubt your leaving has anything to do with how he's acting now since he's done it to you three times regardless of anything you've done. Even if he does come back and make excuses about not wanting to stand in your way will it change anything? Or will you now have to live with the added stress of knowing that every single time he "has it rough" that he's going to just disappear on you? That's not someone you want by your side for any sort of serious relationship, not even a friendship since these types of people typically are only around to get their needs met and don't actually have any empathy or care for anyone else. Go out into the world and find someone who actually will consistently love you, not just when it's convenient for them. He sounds massively selfish and narcissistic and alot like the ex I finally got rid of six months ago after pulling numerous similar disappearance acts on me through six years. And yes, I too got told that each time he "went crazy" or was "having a tough time" or "work was hard" or etc., etc., etc. In the end none of the excuses matter since none of them actually made sense. To me a rough time is someone you're close to dies, your house burns down, your entire town has been buried under rubble and so on. And yet when I had a boyfriend who at Ground Zero of 9/11 digging people and bodies out of the rubble he still found time to phone me and tell me he was okay despite going through a truly "rough time." Same with relatives who were there. So the "rough time" excuse is just that--an excuse. Either that he's involved in something seriously sketchy or illegal, but either way you have an opportunity to step away which you are going to do. As long as you maintain NC during that time I think you'll find clarity and in time wonder why you ever put up with him. Not saying it won't be hard, but seriously you deserve alot better than this. His lack of caring and interest in you and the disappearing act all add up to some pretty huge red flags that you shouldn't keep ignoring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Thank you Paris - you're so right. I guess in a way him disappearing now is the best thing he could do (other than being happy for me and supportive obviously - but it seems he's incapable of that - and also that would make me love him more so maybe regret my decision to leave). I need to get out of this cycle, and that's a large part of the reason I'm going away. I will try and remain no contact and if he contacts me again try my hardest to ignore it. It just feels like such a waste and so frustrating that a relationship can end with some feeble texts... and the apparent disappearance of all feelings towards me. No goodbye and no explanation. That hurts. But he's done it before. Cocoon - with the 'set them free' quote, he's setting me free (I guess), therefore it would be my choice to go back to him. I love him so much I hope I'm strong enough not to do that.... hopefully, as you say Paris, being away will put everything into perspective and I'll wonder why I've put up with his narcissistic behaviour for the past 2 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Megs,...... All of us need to fall in order to grow. In falling in love the main subject is "the falling" and not the love!,....Remember we are going to loose whatever or whomever we can not live without!, and i think it is a law of the nature!...Nature want us to be complete in ourselves, and true falling it teaches us courage and the art of flying!.......I don't know about him and you don't need to waste your time thinking whether he is thinking about you or not...you just need to be living with your own unique life and building up your own character!, go to gym , go beyond your emotions and become master of your breathing! do lots of rhythmic exercises and bring rhythm, happiness and life to your own existence, that is what nature want from you and then you will be provided what your higher being deserves!......Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Thanks. I'm finding this really hard. I know I should just carry on with no contact and never speak to him again, but the longer I leave it, and the longer it is since I heard from him, the harder it seems to be getting. I don't know if i will, but I feel I have to send him an email or a text or something to acknowledge the fact that he's hurting me, that it's simply rude that he can just ignore me after everything, or even just to say goodbye I guess - some kind of closure. We were happy a few weeks back, then suddenly nothing and I don't exist - remaining NC just kinda allows him to get away with hurting me like this so much. I have just let him disappear without even a word. Please let me know if there anything I can say to him that would retain my dignity and not look needy - something that might make him think and feel slightly bad for what he's doing. I am still going away in 2 months and carrying on with my life, and hope to get him out of my system completely, but to just go without any kind of closure on this is making me feel very uneasy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Welcome to the wonderful world of commitment phobics. I was in a "relationship with one for 10 years, off and on, (you know what I mean!) This back and forth is the pattern. When you think that everything is going just great, they pull the rug out from under you. The reason is because they are feeling highly axious because the level of intimacy is just too great and they need to get away from you. After the anxiety calms down they now have the luxury of missing you. That is why they come back. Get this book: "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter. You can order it from Amazon and I would pay extra for quick shipping. This book will explain everything as to what you are thinking and what he is thinking and the mystery will be solved. The bottom line is that there is really no hope for this changing; however, it relieved me greatly to know what was going on because I was puzzled as you are now. Now I can spot a commitment phobe immediately by the behavior described as you described. I actually corresponded with an individual (male) on this forum who explained his condition from his point of view. I commended him in a personal message because most commitment phobes will not attempt to rectify their condition, but this poster was seeking therapy. I told him that I was impressed by his attempts to change his behavior, however, he was seeking therapy 2 times a week and he expressed the need of more therapy for it, i.e. 3 times a week. It is extremely rare that the commitment phobe tackles their issue. This poster really wanted to change because he realized how it was so adversely affecting his life. The bottom line is that he loves you, but he cannot and will not ever commit to you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 I am bumping this thread. Just want to add that men do not have an exclusive on commitment phobia. Women can have the condition as well..chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Thanks I will definitely buy the book. But in this case I'm leaving the country! He has no worry that I want him to commit - I just want him to be interested in my plans and be happy and supportive. But he isn't even fully aware that I'm going! When I last saw him he knew I was agonising over the decision and he said I would have his love and support whatever I decide. And that meant so much. And now he's vanished without knowing what decision I've made. It hurts and I'm so clueless as to why! I want to tell him I've decided to go, and that everyone else who cares about me is happy and excited for me. I want to know how he can be so blatantly uncaring and heartless when a week or two back I had his full love and support. I am doing NC because I've been told it's the right thing to do if someone pulls away from you, but it's not doing me any good at the moment - it;s driving me insane! I know the alternative is to contact him and he will most likely ignore me, so that would make me feel worse, and that's what stops me. But if he's doing this because he's scared of commitment, then surely knowing that I'm leaving in 2 months should be a relief for him, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Thanks I will definitely buy the book. But in this case I'm leaving the country! He has no worry that I want him to commit - I just want him to be interested in my plans and be happy and supportive. But he isn't even fully aware that I'm going! When I last saw him he knew I was agonising over the decision and he said I would have his love and support whatever I decide. And that meant so much. And now he's vanished without knowing what decision I've made. It hurts and I'm so clueless as to why! Don't you get it?? This is a highly emotional and intimate time for him. Intimacy is his enemy. It is too anxiety producing for him. Is she staying? Is she going? He cannot deal with how it affects him, so he doesn't deal with it. This is what you are getting. You just need to get the book. It will save you from future grief with him, believe me...chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Ok thank you - that does make a lot of sense and I've been thinking that must be why he's 'not dealing with it' (in a very extreme way - completely vanishing!). I will buy the book today! But regarding the NC issue (before I get hold of the book) - do you think there is any point me saying anything to him? Should I just leave him to his vanishing and assume at some point he will make contact (or not) or is there something I can say that at least might make me feel like I have some closure on this - either telling him my plans and saying goodbye, or something... Or is anything I send just going to be pointless? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Ok thank you - that does make a lot of sense and I've been thinking that must be why he's 'not dealing with it' (in a very extreme way - completely vanishing!). I will buy the book today! But regarding the NC issue (before I get hold of the book) - do you think there is any point me saying anything to him? Should I just leave him to his vanishing and assume at some point he will make contact (or not) or is there something I can say that at least might make me feel like I have some closure on this - either telling him my plans and saying goodbye, or something... Or is anything I send just going to be pointless? He really doesn't matter what you do because there is nothing that you can do to change the outcome. Also, you will not want to hear from him after you read the book because you will finally "get it". When you order the book for yourself you might want to order one for him too and send it to him. You would be doing him a favor, but that is the only reason I would send him a copy of the book. This goes a long way back, because you need to know that I am 64 years old, but when I told my boyfriend then that he was commitment phobic and explained him to him he was like, "yeah!, yeah!, yeah!". One time we were in the park having lunch and he said, "Don't you have a lot of eye makeup on?." I said, "No, not anymore than usual. You are just being the God da**ed commitment phobe that you are! He just blinked back at me. You gotta love it. Memories.....It ended because once you know you know and the game is over.... This is typical of commitment phobes to say, for example, date an extremely obese women and then use that as the reason he broke up with her. He knew she was extremely obese at the onset. So what really is different now? NOTHING, but people will accept that answer as a reason he broke up with her, not stopping to think...wait a minute...she was that way when they started dating. A good male friend I have who self-acknowledges himself as a commitment phobe, in fact, said, "I wrote the book!" lol did this very thing. He broke up with his girlfriend for weight issues, but she was fat all along. Well, it is bedtime here...please send me a personal message after you read the book. You need about 20 posts to have the ability to post. Good night....chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 I dont say that you finish with him, just i want you to learn the game!....your fear of loosing him is too out loud, and he knows about it ,that is what exactly makes him fearful and anxious. the point is YOU SHOULD LEARN THE LESSON and the lesson is this"YOU ARE GOING TO LOOSE THE ONE YOU CAN NOT LIVE WITHOUT"...you have to learn to be complete in yourself. as soon as you learn this you will become someone else> this growth and becoming is an inevitable natures game and that is exactly the point when you attract again,.....WE ATTRACT WHAT WE ARE, WE DO NOT ATTRACT WHAT WE WANT.......SO nature does not push to get what it wants, it empowers and evolves the things!......It is an inside-out journey of growth.........Separate yourself from your emotions, .....the difference between human and animals is: "we can stand away from ourselves and see what we are doing"....we have to learn to get hold and control our emotions....and physically that can be only done through watching our breathing pattern.!.......I am sure you have heard what you needed to hear, now it is you and the challenge of your life>>>I personally think that the guy is a free good guy, but you both needs to learn and grow!........Unresolved intimate problems will lead to addictive and repetitive patterns until it is learned! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 So from that point of view my best course of action is to not contact him, know that I don't need his support or encouragement if he's not willing/able to give it, and focus on leaving and the new life I'm about to start oveseas? Assume that it is over and I won't hear from him again? Or do I contact him to tell him my plans and that while I love him, if he's wants to walk away that that's his decision and wish him well? Or something along those lines? It's just this urge to contact him that i'm fighting with - as it's just so hard to understand how he can disappear without any explanation. And me not contacting him seems to be saying to him that I'm fine with it. When obviously I'm not. Chi's explanation above really helped and I can't wait to read the book as I think it will give me some clarity, but it's just the immediate issue of if I contact him is that the wrong thing to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 It's just this urge to contact him that i'm fighting with - as it's just so hard to understand how he can disappear without any explanation. And me not contacting him seems to be saying to him that I'm fine with it. When obviously I'm not. Chi's explanation above really helped and I can't wait to read the book as I think it will give me some clarity, but it's just the immediate issue of if I contact him is that the wrong thing to do? Let's put it this way. His anxiety level is at a very high level right now, but you have this huge desire to contact him. You want to tell him of your decision etc. However, he has distanced himself from you to get his anxiety level down, but you want to tell him all these things. You want to have this this emotional connection with him. That is the last thing he wants!! I thought you understand this now. Don't you understand that he would not welcome this conversation with him. If you do it, you will be in for a very cold reception from him . Meg, I am confused. Just when I think that you understand the concept of commitment phobia you ask the question if you should contact him now when I have already explained to you that his level of anxiety is at extremely high. You need to learn how a commitment phobe views things from his perspective, not your perspective. It really does not matter if you contact him or not because it is not going to change the outcome. He is a commitment phobe and that means the game is over. Again, you will understand it all after you read the book. It will give you an excellent understanding of all of his behavior and enable you to move on finally with a free mind... no second guessing on your part. Things will be crystal clear to you then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 As long as you are shifted in perspective from seeking in desperation outside yourself to turning your attention within, any of your said options are safe and can be justified.There is a word "Unconditioal love", which i like a lot and i think it empowers us with personal peace, natural harmony and genuine inner wealth.Just make sure to set every one including yourself free and just be obliged to your higher self!...good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 As long as you are shifted in perspective from seeking in desperation outside yourself to turning your attention within, any of your said options are safe and can be justified.There is a word "Unconditioal love", which i like a lot and i think it empowers us with personal peace, natural harmony and genuine inner wealth.Just make sure to set every one including yourself free and just be obliged to your higher self!...good luck Cocoon, I recommend the book to you as well. The title is: "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter........chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Chi thank you - your explanations make it much clearer. And I do need it spelling out in black and white. I guess I wanted to know what, if any, response I might get if I do contact him, as I know that no response, or a cold response would send me reeling back down in frustration, confusion and anger about the whole situation. The one thing keeping me sane at the moment is that I haven't contacted him or chased him (having gone through this before and knowing it won't get me anywhere). It's just there's always a small part of your brain that hope's they'll realise how much they're hurting you and say something to make it all better. I have ordered the book and it arrives on Monday. Already, from reading the reviews, I can see it's going to be hugely helpful!! Some of the stories, just in the reviews I read, are uncannily familiar and he sounds like an absolute textbook commitmentphobe - telling me he loves me each day, planning the future, making me feel like the centre of his universe then vanishing with no warning - before my birthday, before his birthday, before Christmas (last Christmas and NY were spent in tears with ruined plans as he disappeared and I didn't hear a word from him until mid-January - I ruined it for my friends and family, who were amazingly supportive). Then when he reappeared I wanted answers and I fell for his excuses, only for him to do it again a few months down the line. I hope once I've read this book I will wonder how the hell I kept letting this guy back in, be incredibly pleased I haven't chased him this time, and feel that going overseas to gain perspective and start my new life doing something I love is the best possible thing to do. Thank you so much (and I haven't even read the book yet! ) x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Let's put it this way. His anxiety level is at a very high level right now, but you have this huge desire to contact him. You want to tell him of your decision etc. However, he has distanced himself from you to get his anxiety level down, but you want to tell him all these things. You want to have this this emotional connection with him. That is the last thing he wants!! I thought you understand this now. Don't you understand that he would not welcome this conversation with him. If you do it, you will be in for a very cold reception from him . Sorry one last thing... do you think his anxiety is because he's worried I might stay because of him, and that's too much pressure/commitment that he doesn;t want? Or because I might leave and he doesn't know how to deal with it? Or just because it's an emotional sitation in general and he can't be bothered dealing with it? That's still confusing me... I just wonder, as he's always come back in the past, whether when he finds out I'm going, will that lessen his anxiety and make him contact me as before, or make him disappear for good? (Don't worry what I said above still stands and I know it doesn't matter either way - I hope to be strong enough to ignore any future contact from him, and the book will help with that, but I'm more interested to know....) Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Meg, it gives me a great deal of gratification to be able to impart whatever wisdom I have accumulated through the years. I always respond to posting such as yours when I know what is going on and the OP is baffled and confused and I know exactly what is going on since I have been there, done that. You will come out of this sadder, but much wiser. Also, if you meet up with another guy with the same behavior, well, you just won't ever let that happen to you again! All, I can say now is...enjoy your new life abroad! do keep coming back to this site. You will find many caring people here.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Thanks Chi. I wish you well too. But did you see my 2nd question above? Would be great to know your thoughts on that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Or because I might leave and he doesn't know how to deal with it? Or just because it's an emotional sitation in general and he can't be bothered dealing with it? That's still confusing me... I just wonder, as he's always come back in the past, whether when he finds out I'm going, will that lessen his anxiety and make him contact me as before, or make him disappear for good.? It is more like this, but not that he can't be bothered with it. It is causing him extreme anxiety to have to deal with all this emotional stuff, so the best way to deal with it is not to deal with it so he vanishes and then when his anxiety subsides he starts to miss you and at that point he may or may not contact you. Remember this: Just because he always came back before does not mean that he will come back again. If he does come back you will just have repeat performances from him of disappearing anyway. Does that answer your 2 questions?...chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Yes thanks it does. Obviously I hope deep down he will contact me, if only so I know that I meant something to him, and he has some feelings either way about the fact I'm leaving the country. And then I can leave with the knowledge that he did care. I won't respond. Or if I do it will be to wish him well. I know it will hurt if I don't hear from him at all, and I leave with the feeling that he never cared at all. I hope that's not the case. If I doesn't I guess I can take some comfort in the knowledge that he's not contacting me because it's too much for him to deal with? And that implies he does care to some extent. Thanks again Chi x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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