Rhia1978 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Right - Don't make it about you two at all. Simply state that you are concerned because you haven't heard from him, and that you'd appreciate knowing that he's safe. That's if you truly feel the need to. Otherwise, it would probably be better for you to just leave this one alone. His friend has told me he's sure he's safe & sound. So I haven't prodded him to call. He said he never asked him about us since he didn't want to poke his nose. So I thanked him and asked if he had ever mentioned anything to him about me...and I have asked him to be honest. I won't bother him again. I think an email is the only thing I can do here. Just to let him know am here if he needs to talk and that I miss him. Having seen the effect of depression on my ex I cannot discount the possibility. Even at that time people told me I was making excuses but my gut had told me that a man who told me he loved me and showed it to me in his actions wouldn't behave in that fashion....and as I found out later...he let me know in fact...that I was right. And my gut now is telling me that this guy hasn't bolted. That he is in a bit of a hole and might not be in a good place. I am not that blind....and I haven't seen any signs of detachment or deception....no hard evidence he's ever lied to me. And how difficult is it to tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore...there's not much I can do or will do. So his silence might not have anything to do with me or us. The email will be my last effort. Thanks for listening and trying to help...will keep you posted....wish me well...I really do like him and it's not in my nature to give up when my gut instinct tells me he's a good man...!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I don't care what the cause of his silence is - it takes 2 seconds to send a text to say you're fine but just need time to yourself. A "good" man would not have you worrying like crazy over him... he would do anything he could to ease your mind. If he was a "good" man, you wouldn't have to be questioning his friend to try to figure out how he feels about you. The guy routinely disappears and has told you flat out he's not about to be your boyfriend, yet you've made about 100 excuses for him in this thread alone. He really has it good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 So his silence might not have anything to do with me or us. The email will be my last effort. Thanks for listening and trying to help...will keep you posted....wish me well...I really do like him and it's not in my nature to give up when my gut instinct tells me he's a good man...!! His "silence" is speaking to you in a loud tone, you're just not listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I don't care what the cause of his silence is - it takes 2 seconds to send a text to say you're fine but just need time to yourself. A "good" man would not have you worrying like crazy over him... he would do anything he could to ease your mind. If he was a "good" man, you wouldn't have to be questioning his friend to try to figure out how he feels about you. The guy routinely disappears and has told you flat out he's not about to be your boyfriend, yet you've made about 100 excuses for him in this thread alone. He really has it good. Agree completely with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blitzkrieged Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Im gonna take a different side on this one and say that it could have something to do with his job/financial situation... Put yourself in that position of dating a woman you're trying to impress and you can't even pay your own way or even really go out much. Not even that but how good of a catch would you feel as a dude without a job? It seems like it would be kind of emasculating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I don't care what the cause of his silence is - it takes 2 seconds to send a text to say you're fine but just need time to yourself. A "good" man would not have you worrying like crazy over him... he would do anything he could to ease your mind. If he was a "good" man, you wouldn't have to be questioning his friend to try to figure out how he feels about you. The guy routinely disappears and has told you flat out he's not about to be your boyfriend, yet you've made about 100 excuses for him in this thread alone. He really has it good. Exactly. Rhia, I already sent you a private message about this. Did you get the book?... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia1978 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 Im gonna take a different side on this one and say that it could have something to do with his job/financial situation... Put yourself in that position of dating a woman you're trying to impress and you can't even pay your own way or even really go out much. Not even that but how good of a catch would you feel as a dude without a job? It seems like it would be kind of emasculating. This is what the majority of my friends are saying. They all are have very strong opinions and would never say something like that if they didn't believe in it. They are, in fact, refusing to accept that he's lost interest. I really don't know what to think. Am just taking one day at a time. I just hope he's fine...don't want any harm to come to him. And I hope he realises that I like him for who is...not for his money or job. Anyway...it's not my fault that I am better placed financially and career wise. I am 4 years older than him...so really he has the time...but my fortune hasn't happened overnight. Only time will tell what happens. Chitown9 - nope I didn't get your private msg....nothing in my inbox...!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Im gonna take a different side on this one and say that it could have something to do with his job/financial situation... Put yourself in that position of dating a woman you're trying to impress and you can't even pay your own way or even really go out much. Not even that but how good of a catch would you feel as a dude without a job? It seems like it would be kind of emasculating. If that were the case and he truly cared for her and was into her he would find a way to let her know this because he would never dream of wanting to hurt her by vanishing as he is doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 How long has it been since he disappeared ... ? At this point, there is really no excuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I have to agree with Batya on this. At this point I think you need to consider his dissapearance from your life as just what it is. His silence speaks volumes. If a man walks out of your life with no explanation, unfortunately that is the explanation in itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia1978 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Update folks: I areceived an email from him y'day. The following is what he said in the email: Really sorry i've not been in contact. It was * * * * ty of me I know. There were circumstances behind it though. I had to leave quicker than i thought. I'll explain it to you at a later date. In XXX city at the moment. Not sure when I'll be back in town yet.Hope your good anyway. I'll talk to you soon Nothing conclusive but I am relieved in a way. I knew all through that this had nothing to do with us or me but as human beings we of course assume the worst. A few of my friends have called this email lame and unacceptable. But if I have guessed correctly and he has been in a dark place, this communication would have taken a lot of effort and should be appreciated. Of course if he'd sent me this a couple of weeks back, it would have been better and I wouldn't have been kept guessing. A conversation regarding standards will happen - but it has to happen face-to-face. This is a start for sure. At least he's come out of hiding. Further, I had been texting with his flatmate the day before he sent me this email and she told me she hadn't heard from him either. So he had vanished on the whole lot of us. Which pretty much makes me wonder if I am right about him being slightly depressed at this stage and prone to running away. What do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 What do you think? I think that he is being very mysterioso. Please let us know what his explaination turns out to be....chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 A few of my friends have called this email lame and unacceptable. I agree with your friends 100%. ETA: I also believe his friends have been covering for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alwaysmoving Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 With the technology of today there are SO many ways to communicate. We are rarely in a position where we literally can't contact someone. He had your phone number and email, you guys might be facebook friends, and you have a lot of mutual friends in case he lost your information somehow. Him saying "****ty of me I know" shouldn't make up for all the stress he's put you through. Especially since he bolted the morning after you had sex and didn't talk to you for so long. I hope you aren't like "oh that's okay!" because if you do that you're teaching him that treating you like that is okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia1978 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 With the technology of today there are SO many ways to communicate. We are rarely in a position where we literally can't contact someone. He had your phone number and email, you guys might be facebook friends, and you have a lot of mutual friends in case he lost your information somehow. Him saying "****ty of me I know" shouldn't make up for all the stress he's put you through. Especially since he bolted the morning after you had sex and didn't talk to you for so long. I hope you aren't like "oh that's okay!" because if you do that you're teaching him that treating you like that is okay. Hi alwaysmoving, he actually is broke and is not on facebook either. He doesn't own a pc or a laptop either. I know that he had run out of credit in the past on his mobile. I know he has a new phone cos the last one was damaged. So am not sure if he has a mobile at the moment at all. We don't have mutual friends. I have met his friends but haven't gotten to spend that much time with them - cannot call them my friends yet. Yes it doesn't make up for the stress he has caused me. I do believe we train men how to treat us and I intend to tell him about that when we meet face-to-face. This is his 2nd chance and he needs to realise he cannot vanish without at least letting me or others know that he needs time and space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 You're actually giving him another chance? After all that? Why? What do you stand to gain from this? I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I honestly just have no idea why you find this acceptable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubb Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 He is not acting like someone who is interested in you..honestly, cut your losses. I know it's going to hurt but something isn't right.. I'm thinking another girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia1978 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 You're actually giving him another chance? After all that? Why? What do you stand to gain from this? I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I honestly just have no idea why you find this acceptable. Hi ToF, I am giving him a 2nd chance since he hasn't really done much wrong in the past by me. As I mentioned before, I have seen in front of me what a job loss and financial issues can do to a person. I myself am going through a financial crisis of my own and in spite of having a very good job I sometimes feel like curling up in bed and not waking up. I watched my ex spiral into depression and break up with me. He was a changed man after he lost his job and the depression got hold of him. Since I have seen this in front of me and I have observed how in this guy's case he has struggled for the past 4 months - he's expressed his frustrations in front of me and even on his emails while I was overseas. I have friends who have gone through depression and I know how they behaved during those dark days - went into their shells. I am not saying that he's in such a predicament - that's my assumption - but judging by his demeanor I know his confidence and perseverance has deteriorated since we first met. I know someone will say 'you are making excuses' but I am doing what I would have expected someone else to do if I was in this predicament. I am different - I would have let people know of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia1978 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 He is not acting like someone who is interested in you..honestly, cut your losses. I know it's going to hurt but something isn't right.. I'm thinking another girl. Hi Dubb, maybe you are right - but should I assume that without knowing for sure? I don't want to regret having made the wrong assumption. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubb Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Hi Dubb, maybe you are right - but should I assume that without knowing for sure? I don't want to regret having made the wrong assumption. That's what is so evil about what he is doing.. seriously.. he can text you. If he flips the script on you just tell him straight up you took it personal b/c you guys had sex and that's not something you take lightly.. He can't just disappear and think you're not going to take it personal. Get mad!! Hell yeah you're going to take this personal!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia1978 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 That's what is so evil about what he is doing.. seriously.. he can text you. If he flips the script on you just tell him straight up you took it personal b/c you guys had sex and that's not something you take lightly.. He can't just disappear and think you're not going to take it personal. Get mad!! Hell yeah you're going to take this personal!! I will surely be telling him something to that effect - for sure I will. It's time to tell him that if this is how he feels towards me that he can vanish without even letting me know, then it's not acceptable to me and I don't want another episode like this. However, I don't want anything to get lost in translation and I certainly don't want to add to his situation at the moment. It's not just me he hadn't responded to or not contacted. At the moment I am trying to be as tactful in my reply as possible. I don't want to add to his stress but at the same time explain my situation too. Often so much can get lost in communication and especially when it's done too emotionally or in anger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubb Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 i think you should do what he is doing..nothing.. don't reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia1978 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 i think you should do what he is doing..nothing.. don't reply. Hmmm...not a bad idea actually...!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubb Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Hmmm...not a bad idea actually...!! I would not.. He knows you're interested. you blew him up. it's time for you to pull back and see how he responds. If he really cares he will pop up. blow him off a few times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia1978 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 I would not.. He knows you're interested. you blew him up. it's time for you to pull back and see how he responds. If he really cares he will pop up. blow him off a few times. And you know what's funny...I actually decided to start my no contact with him around 10 days back. I told my friends I am taking my power back and it's irrelevant whether he's in touch with me or not - I won't contact him. So why should I respond to this email? I should wait for another couple of weeks and then respond. You make me wait for 3 weeks - I'll make you wait for 3 weeks. Btw I actually started going on dates during the 1st week he disappeared. I wasn't going to sit and wait. Yes in my heart I was still his....and my head too told me to wait...but I was not going to sit and mope at home. I have a couple of dates this weekend and I will go ahead with them. I have spoken to friends about whether this is ethical - cos just because someone misbehaves doesn't mean we have to take revenge. They told me if he ever questions me and reminds me how he waited for the 2 months I was away - I will tell him I was merely meeting men to socialise and make friends. Gosh I have so many friends that I really don't need anymore haha!! But that will be my excuse. Yes he may say 'you went on the dates after I contacted you - so it wasn't as though you hadn't heard from me'. And my response is that the dates were actually fixed from before. Anyway...all these things are mere conjecture. I think I will not answer this email at all. As you said - if he really likes me (as I believe he does) then let him chase me. He chased me once....so really I know he's capable of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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