How to bring back attraction and avoid the friend zone

[Thorshammer]

No, being a friend is a huge misconception, read about on this forum to see that for yourself, there is enough evidence everywhere. You being a friend, and being there, does nothing. If you try to attract someone right off the bat after A BU, it does nothing. It will be blatant and obvious to them, another last ditch effort, no different than the promises and pleading done during the break-up. All my ex-gfs came back, the faster I left, the faster they came back. They very act of distance is a huge attraction trigger, when you are in a relationship, or not. It also shows a position of strength, especially when the problem lies in the dumpee being needy and clingy. If they chase you after a month, then the break up was never really wanted, and it didnt matter what you did or do after it.

 

The only person that clings to their ex as a friend, hanging on to their very whim, is the person who was dumped due to neglecting their lover, cheating, or not trying enough.

 

Also, did you even read on? Because I said to hit contact when you need something, plus I never said to remain NC forever.

 

Also, try to read past post, dont pick apart posts. You are repeating everything I said a page back, bro.

[Thorshammer]

Hopearises I agree with you here, but also see where Thor is coming from...it depends how you play your cards I suppose in terms of your availability...as previous threads have noted it's like feeding a bird:

 

 

 

On the above, if you fulfill this role...is that it game over? Do you believe once she has seen this side of you that you can't regain the masculine polarity in a relationship?

 

Nothing is 100%. I have had ex's come back, because I was dramatically different, that my weakness from the BU was a distant memory. Just imagine, you dump your gf because she gets fat, now shes skinny, do you remember when she was fat? Male tend to be attracted to the physical more so than men, and woman tend to be attracted to behavior more so than males. A dramatic, not forced and fake, change in behavior, can start interest.

 

If you tag along like a friend, or like Hope says, come out of the woodwork after a small amount of time, you will be fooling yourself, and her. You dont make a change that fast. Dont insult her intelligence this way. If you can solve your problem so fast and easy, then you wouldnt have gotten dumped in the first place.

 

Now, considering we are talking about the strength of character, do you really think you will cut out the desperation and hurt in a month, if you are in a relationship that spans years? I can be a cold dude, but I know I will not grow in a short period of NC, and I know half of you guys will come back to this forum spilling info on how the mixed signals are killing you.

 

You have to move on (really move on for just the sake of it), you have go back to when you first dated her, back to that mind-set. Back to when if she rejected you, you didnt care, because there was nothing there... keyword, there was nothing there. You are strong confident, careless, and cool; you cant be this when you are trying to examine her every word, and anxiety is building up with each contact.

[vel2011]

I think an important thing to add to this is that 'confidence is shown, not spoken'. You can't pretend that you are a new person after a few months of NC, and start spouting 'I go to the gym every day now, I don't sit at home anymore, I am really social and have made new friends and go out all the time and have fun...look at me'!!!

 

The key is patience... if the ex is at all interested down the line, there will be contact of some kind and they will take notice if you have improved all these things. But the key thing I am trying to tell myself is that I have to have a mindset where I am not making all these changes for my ex or because of the breakup - I am doing it for myself, I need to have patience, and I need to get to a point where I am fully over my ex. That way you can't lose!!

[Thorshammer]

I think an important thing to add to this is that 'confidence is shown, not spoken'. You can't pretend that you are a new person after a few months of NC, and start spouting 'I go to the gym every day now, I don't sit at home anymore, I am really social and have made new friends and go out all the time and have fun...look at me'!!!

 

Yeah, its like saying you will not be hurt anymore that she broke up with you. Like you will forget that just a few weeks ago she left you stranded and went off thinking life is grand without you. Not a lot of people can do that, and considering most posters here seem that they cant get over their ex, i dont see how an ex in turn would forget what led to the break up a few weeks ago, regardless of how much you want to force the behavior of change.

 

The key is patience... if the ex is at all interested down the line, there will be contact of some kind and they will take notice if you have improved all these things. But the key thing I am trying to tell myself is that I have to have a mindset where I am not making all these changes for my ex or because of the breakup - I am doing it for myself, I need to have patience, and I need to get to a point where I am fully over my ex. That way you can't lose!!

 

Also, in a short amount of time, I hate to break it to everyone, but everything I read, plus confirmation on this site (very eye-opening), and ex is most likely happy after the BU. You being a friend, just makes it even better. After a period of months when the freedom gets old, they realize that you really are gone, and it really is over. Some books say a month (that is too short from my experience, i believe its more or less like a month for each year, but you cant put an exact number when dealing with the random human mind), others say 2 months (that rang true for this board, and my recent ex hacked my fb in the 2 month mark), others say 5 to 6 months (I had an ex come back after 5 months, but i also had one come back in 1 year) is the point where they will miss you the most. The HIGH of not having to deal with you wears off, and thats where the doubts creep in (hence why some rebound relationships dont work).

 

Thats why they say, by the time your ex comes back, you either moved on, or you are with someone else. In my case, I am usually already with someone else.