The "OK, you've started, don't stop now!" Journal

[Mesemene]

Well, went to the doctor for a lump on my sternum. Probably nothing, but off it is for another ultrasound, and xray.

 

I can't seem to break the freaking 180 pound hump, weightwise, and it's SOOOO tempting to have a cheating day. But I really don't dare.

 

Tomorrow it's back to the gym - I missed today, like most sats - tomorrow I can have hubs watch the kids so I can go.

 

I'm tired. Frustrated at nothing. Grrrr.

 

Consult for hand surgery on monday - crossing fingers.

[Seraphim]

OMG 40's is when things start to fall apart. Nobody warned us about that part.

[Mesemene]

Hahahaha Vic, so so true!

 

My MIL is "threatening" to take the week off when I have the surgery (for severe carpal tunnel). I'm praying she changes her mind. Or else I'll need to hide alcohol in my boxspring to survive the week - and I haven't had a drink in years (choice). The thought of her alternately hovering over me and demanding my recovery to take her places is enough to request a padded room for the week.

 

My scale, it lies, LIES I say! I've only skipped ONE day working out, and haven't cheated, and it claims I've gained THREE POUNDS. It can't be so!!! It took me two weeks to LOSE that, damn it!

 

So help me, it better take it back tomorrow.

[zentoCC]

Do weight yourself at the same time each day? Your weight can fluctuate by two pounds in a day.

[Mesemene]

Yep clingy, when I get up in the morning. But... my cycle started early, which might be throwing it off. I'll check it after it finishes and see if I get a more reasonable result then.

 

Went and worked out twice yesterday (yes, on a Sunday lol) and it got me out of the house (hallelujah!) Had my surgery consult today - I didn't realize how "severe" the right hand was, but the doctor said she would "strongly recommend" the surgery asap. She put through the request to authorize to insurance, which should take about a week - and then the surgical scheduler will call me to set it up.

 

She warned I may still get the occasional burning sensation, but the numbness should go away. And that's my biggest thing - restoring function. I can live with a little discomfort, I just want to be able to reliably use my hands again for more than a minute or two at a time!

 

So about 2-3 months after the right hand, I'll probably be looking at having the left done. It's "moderate to severe" so not as pressing as the "OMGEE" side.

[Mesemene]

WOOHOO!!!

 

Down to 178 - apparently I was retaining some water or something. The joys of aging. But this is a landmark - I haven't been under 180 in.... in... 6 years or more. It's slow progress, but it IS progress.

 

Had my x-ray and ultrasound for the friendly lump on my sternum. While the tech couldn't diagnose, she said based on her experience she sure wouldn't lose any sleep over it. So I suppose I'll find out for sure next month at my next appointment just what it is.

 

Haven't missed any workout days except last Saturday, so if I can maintain it, we'll be doing good. Have to do taxes this weekend, yay?

 

Ohhh hand surgery consult went well - the scheduling team should be calling within the week to schedule me - so hopefully I can get that scheduled in Feb.

[Mesemene]

Only did one workout session today - however - I DID manage to scan and send documents to my son, as well as do our taxes. Yesterday we took SIL out to lunch for her bday - Panda Express. I know, not ideal for my dietary changes... had mushroom chicken and chow mein, divided over 2 days.

 

Lost another pound. I'm now wondering if it's too good to be true, lol.

 

Have to start taking my iron tonight - blech. Many more pills and you'll be able to shake me like a maraca.

 

And made banana bread (again) and hubby's dinner for tomorrow night.

[Mesemene]

Two workouts today so far, I intend to get in a small third one in preparation for the fun filled (sarcasm) day that amounts to every Saturday.

 

Baked some cotton candy flavored cookies for SILs bday tomorrow - and put them in a container just for her so she can eat them in peace, without MIL alternating between "are you going to eat some cookies?" and "good lord, how many are you going to eat at once!"

 

That woman is a walking prescription for "how to give someone an eating disorder."

 

Got stuff to make banana fluff pie as well - and damned if the store wasn't out of decent bananas! Yep, no bananas that weren't so green they were ready for St. Patrick's Day! So I'll check another store later.

 

Things aren't TOO bad around here atm. Hubby and I made a firm plan to save enough for a house down payment. The state taxes should be enough to get the car finished. I bought some all day rock climbing (indoor) passes for me and the boys to have fun with one weekend. And I MIGHT have enough for my cell phone left over. I haven't had a cell phone in years - but now that my daughter and I are talking regularly, and she works so much, her being able to text me from time to time will make keeping in touch easier.

 

Dear lord I want a splurge day, but I've promised myself no splurges til 175 lbs. Once I get there, I'll renegotiate with my cravings I might just decide I don't need it and hold off for 170. It's definitely gym incentive.

 

I did something odd to my left foot - the ball is absolutely killing me. Maybe a cramp, cause I'd sure remember coming down on it hard enough to hurt this much. And no, it was no excuse not to bike and do weights Tempting... but no. I want to see 175 by Monday or so.

 

I'm so sick of some of my veggies I could scream.

 

And reheated grilled veggies just do not taste nearly as good as fresh. Experiment there - failed.

[Mesemene]

Wow.

 

I've been slacking so badly on my workouts the last three days.

 

Really need to step it up tomorrow.

 

My daughter wants me to come out there for my third grandchild's birth - and I hope to be able to do just that. I'd LOVE to be there for her.

 

She found my old deviantart page, and journal. I'm kind of ashamed, I wrote a lot of dark stuff in there that I tried to protect her from. Sure, she's an adult now, but, she's still my child.

[Mesemene]

Amazing workout today, made me feel pretty good.

 

Scale is still stubbornly at 176. I have cheated a LITTLE by drinking a cup of coffee a day... but geez, I've been sticking to my healthy eating like a champ overall!

[Seraphim]

Wow.

 

I've been slacking so badly on my workouts the last three days.

 

Really need to step it up tomorrow.

 

My daughter wants me to come out there for my third grandchild's birth - and I hope to be able to do just that. I'd LOVE to be there for her.

 

She found my old deviantart page, and journal. I'm kind of ashamed, I wrote a lot of dark stuff in there that I tried to protect her from. Sure, she's an adult now, but, she's still my child.

They are forever our baby. No matter how old they get .

[Mesemene]

Yes Vic, they are!

 

My "baby" is 21, and his sister is 22. But even at 40+, they will still be my babies.

 

And having her read some of the stuff I tried to shield her from, it made me cringe. At her age then she was selfish, like most teens, so I didn't have to worry about her seeing my journal. Only a few (very few) friends knew I even had an art account. But her hubby is an artist... and I've used the same "pen name" for many many years, so she stumbled accross it.

 

It also made her sad that my ambitions haven't gone as far as I'd like since my desperate retreat from the ex so many years ago. (My digital art efforts were just starting to attract attention from the right people.) But as I tried to tell her, I'm not dead yet. Some of my ambitions may have changed, and some only delayed - I'm not giving up by any means!

[Seraphim]

Haha my mom still calls me her " baby." She has been my devoted protector all my life even into adulthood . Forever trying to shield me from the horrors of life . But we are working on untangling from each other and doing well with it.

 

Ohhhhhh yes so my of our dreams change or get delayed. I am working on seeing EVERYTHING and every single step is part of the big journey. The journey twists and turns but it goes the way it is supposed to. Everything that has happened to me is leading me some place. We just don't always know where or why. But as I approach 50 I am seeing more wherefores and whys . So you are right! We are not dead yet! In fact we are just " getting it."

 

Sometimes the young think they are " all dat " and know all the answers or are somehow "better" and we are washed up sludge, but really as humans most of us only really I mean really see where life goes as we get older.

[Mesemene]

Yup - I figure I've got at least 20-30 good strong years left before I start sliding down - I'm sure not resting on my laurels just yet!

 

When I stop learning and pushing myself, might as well curl up in a corner. I've never been content to just sit in one place for long.

 

And who knows, maybe after this carpal tunnel surgery, I can start dabbling with art again.

 

Had a decent workout today - since MIL is determined we're eating chinese tonight, I needed it.

 

Hit 175 milestone today. YAY!

 

And fortunately, one of my faves is one of the suggested healthier options - Moo Goo Gai Pan.

 

Going to have an apple first, so I won't dive in and stuff my face

[Mesemene]

Well, I ended up eating "Assorted Vegetables" which was in a light garlic broth, kind of like the sauce for broccoli beef.

 

It was really really good, and I didn't deliver a killing blow to healthy eating

 

Played with the pup for a good half hour on top of the workout - and I plan to go at least once, if not twice, tomorrow. Also cooking for everyone. It started as a "we don't have the boys this weekend, so I'll cook an experiment for hubby and I"

 

MIL heard about it and wanted in on it, so before I could blink, I'm cooking for six, not two. Sigh. I did tell everyone they'd have to make their own side dishes - martyr I'm not. I'm planning on cauliflower and 1/2 apple for mine - everyone else can figure theirs out!

 

I'll let ya'll know how it comes out.

[Mesemene]

*beats head firmly into wall*

 

And this, my friends, is why I drive hubby insane.

 

I dislike being taken advantage of.

 

However... when I have the chance to do nothing... I get bored. Restless. Twitchy. And I end up either exercising or baking.

 

Tonight I decided to start baking bread. And marinating 3 pounds of chicken for tomorrow. Why, you ask?

 

Because... I was bored!

 

I get so frustrated with myself. I want the time to myself - I'm not a very sociable creature at heart - but when I get it, I get bored with it very quickly. I'm so used to going non stop it feels WRONG when I stop for too long.

 

It's almost midnight and here I am convincing myself to wait til tomorrow to bake banana bread. Sigh.

 

I am officially a basket case.

[Mesemene]

Oh yay.

 

Had doc appt today to check on my friendly lump. Ultrasound was inconclusive but did show a mass/lesion which needs further examination.

 

It's being renamed the not so friendly lump - CT scan scheduled for Monday... and already have a surgery referral in progress for removal.

 

UGH.

[Mesemene]

Insurance company's do's and don't's can suck.

 

My doc left out one field in the request for auth for my CT scan, so the insurance company kicked it back.

 

Now, this presents a problem, because now I can't get it done til late in the week. And I have to reschedule my surgery consult to make sure the scan will be available.

 

But... I have my carpal tunnel surgery (part 1 of 2) the week it would be ideal to have the consult. And that's not gonna work. So it'll have to get pushed back over 2 weeks because of this mix up.

 

UGH.

 

I just want a useable hand, and to be rid of my not so friendly lump. Oh, and a pony. j/k

 

Annnnnd I need to talk to the doc - my BP is now on the low side on the meds, probably cause of the healthy eating and weight loss. No wonder I'm getting light headed when I stand up. 90/53 anyone?

[Mesemene]

Surgery #1 is cancelled.

 

To cut a long story short, it went from no co pay to about $ 1200 with $400 due upgront with... 2 days notice.

 

Uh huhhhhh, that was SO not happening, especially since I just put the car in the shop for the engine swap - price tag $1200.

 

So after about a million phone calls (not much exaggerating), I'm having my info faxed over to the main hospital where we get free everything, courtesy of hubby working there.

 

Oh and the CT scan had a $250 co pay I was unaware of - all other diagnostics are 100% covered, but it wasn't.

 

So I'm hopefully on the road to getting this taken care of, again. I'm prioritizing the lump this time though since I have the diagnostic info and will have the CT scan report and CD available soon.

 

Now, if only I had a CAR to take it over to the clinic, we'd have it made... but I timed the car being in the shop to coincide with ME being out of commission, and now I'll be my usual semi-functional, just car-less.

[Mesemene]

Surgery is back on.

 

I feel like I've been dropped into a washer on the spin cycle.

 

I'm writing this down - because the next time I'm tempted to size a ball gag for my MIL and start picking out the duct tape and rope - I'll remember she decided to pay for the upfront cost for me to have full use of my dominant hand back. I didn't ask - she just offered it, no strings.

 

And I will swallow whatever wants to spring to mind, and smile, because my stupid hand won't be going numb every time I try to slice a roast, stir batter, or drive a mile. And it will be MORE than worth gritting my teeth for to have that, and be grateful.

[Mesemene]

Wheeeee

 

Today started with me trying to make kale chips (less salt next time, too salty) and roasted edamame (cook time I'll have to play with, mine were still soft after following the directions. I'm thinking I'll do the low roast method like you'd do for making croutons.)

 

Segued into taking everyone to the store (dropped them all off, no way I shop with them when it's avoidable.)

 

Took hubby on his appt, will pick him up as well.

 

Dropped off some stuff in storage.

 

Found a pair of 34/32 jeans sitting in there, shimmied 'em on over my shorts - too big. I can get away with them if I don't mind a REALLY relaxed fit. There's no WAY I could've gotten them ON before, guaranteed. Boy did that feel good. That means I'm down to 32 waist - still way high for me, but beats 36+. And we won't even touch that "plus..."

 

Hey, maybe another 30 pounds and I can buy some non elastic/drawstring pants! Novel idea! I don't want to waste the money atm - if I keep losing they'll just end up being un-grown out of as well. And MAN thrift stores aren't so thrifty anymore!! I used to pick up stuff pretty cheap - now it's not much less than full retail! Ridiculous!