The "OK, you've started, don't stop now!" Journal

[Mesemene]

First entry.

 

Well, here goes nothing.

 

This will be my place to vent when my family drives me batty, cheer myself on when I want to be a slacker, and reminder that oh yes, I'm human, complete with failings (but imperfections make us interesting, no?)

 

I'm pretty pleased with myself today.

 

We've only had a couple of days this week we didn't have a home cooked meal, and those nights were leftovers. I've (pretty much) stuck with my much healthier eating habits. It shows - I've lost an average of 2lbs/week over the last few months, for a total of around 34 lbs so far.

 

I've been taking my vitamins and iron religiously, and it's FINALLY paying off. I've had more energy in the last 3 days than in the three months previously combined. I only wish that was an exaggeration.

 

For those unfamiliar - I have Menorrhagia, triggered by fibroids, which we don't have medical insurance atm for treatment (hopefully will next month!) What it means in my case is instead of having a 4-7 day period and 21-14 days off cycle - I have 21-24 day PERIODS and maybe a week to two weeks off-cycle. And they also get very very heavy at times. It depletes my red blood cells. Since they're responsible for carrying oxygen to muscles - it gets to the point that walking accross a parking lot, grocery shopping, even taking a shower - leave my muscles starved and feeling like I tried to run a marathon. Body responds by breathing heavier to try to get oxygen there - but without the "carriers" it just doesn't work very well. And it's extremely frustrating to not be able to exercise properly, or even go for a long walk, without feeling like I'm 100 years old.

 

I know, plenty of people have worse issues, and much as I sympathize, it just doesn't make day to day stuff less frustrating.

 

So this week, being able to actually go around the WHOLE STORE without sitting down, being able to stand and actively cook/clean/wash for hours all at once, cleaning the bathroom without needing to call a break partway in - made me want to leap up and do a happy dance.

 

I've been supplementing iron, vitamins, and folic acid for a couple of months trying to boost my system, and that it's finally working is just amazingly awesome to me.

[Mesemene]

Soo, reflection time.

 

Some background first. hubby and I got laid off within months of each other, we worked for the same company. Inlaws offered to let us stay here since unemployment pay isn't nearly enough for bills etc. We do.

 

Things go eh, ok. As well as can be expected for 5 people living under one roof (4 bedrooms, it's a big house.) We do pay rent, utilities, own food and portion of "family food" that goes into family meal prep (about 4 nights of the week). Soooo... initially I was the "relief driver to take mom to work when dad didn't feel up to it. No problem.

 

Dad, who can be a stubborn old coot, decides to stop at junkyard for car part without help. Severely sprains foot in pothole. Now I'm sole transport for him, mom, and sister. Add on dad and sis in law (sis from here on out) multiple doctor's appts to schedule. Mind, trying to take hubby and self job hunting at the same time here... and split cooking and cleaning chores with sis. Still no biggie - I don't mind earning my keep one bit.

 

I should mention dad is a vet with ptsd - sis has her own issues of clinical depression, possible schizophrenia, and non-clinical diagnosis by mom of lazyass.

 

So... after dad breaking foot, hubby lands terrific work from home job, contracting for a computer company doing remote repair/assistance. Yay, things are looking up.

 

Fast forward several months.

 

Meanwhile - sis is gradually doing less and less. So I'm up and running nonstop from morning til night. I'm cooking, doing dishes, cleaning.

 

Sis has breakdown - and says while in therapy she feels she's doing too much and I'm not doing enough. * * * ??? I've been doing all but wiping her ass and cleaning up after HER dogs!!! (which I help with!)

 

At this point, I'm doing all the family cooking, all the dishes except on occasions when mom rides her ass to help, all the driving (dad decided after foot was better it was too hot for him and triggered his migraines) cleaning the joint bathroom (mom has her own since she paid a bigger portion on rent) as well as funding most of the family shopping whenever she's not up to going (she has food stamps, only thing she has to contribute here.) Mom asks us to stay longer so we can get debt free to make a fresh start, and to help her out keeping things here running since sis had her alottment cut. We agreed.

 

I have the energy to expend this week - so in a way, I'm enjoying being ABLE to do all this stuff, but when I'm looking into my crystal ball into the future... I see this stretching on FOREVER. And while I understand psych illness (I fight depression and social anxiety disorder, along with the menorraghia,) part of me is getting a little annoyed at basically waiting on these folks hand and foot.

 

Sis and dad "swept and mopped" this week - and I'm looking at the living room floor going "where?" The areas their dogs have urinated and defacated on (sometimes they dont' feel like letting them out) is still nasty. As in, obviously not touched. In months. And I just KNOW I'll end up taking care of it to get it done.

 

Just had to vent about it - I keep reminding myself I have a roof and love, which is more than we might've, but man, at times, it can sure be a trial!!! Hopefully tomorrow will be another day, and maybe I'll figure out a NICE way to prompt some of this to get done without it turning into putting stuff on anyone!

[Seraphim]

I really feel for you! My mother had the same thing. She had fibroids and it caused the same issues you have. They eventually did an emergency hysterectomy when she was 33 or so. The last time they did an extensive ultrasound on me about 5 years ago they said I have 15 large ones, 13 of which are inside the uterus and two are on the outside. They said I have so many smaller ones they can not even map them all. They basically told me I have only one area in my uterus that does not have damage of some sort or a fibroid. It is up near the top. Sadly for me it has made my quest for another biological child impossible. It has caused me 4 miscarriages 3 early ones and one late one. I do have one living child though so I am happy. My gyno back home always looked me like I had 5 heads when I said they do not bother me too much. Really it is only when I have my period that I have a lot of gushing happening and huge clots but my periods are only average in length. They said I should be in agony and miserable, however I am not. I always have a lot of pressure on my back though and I am sure a uterus that weighs a million pounds with tumours on it make my back hurt and sits on my bladder.

 

I kind of know your pain. Hopefully though they can do something to alleve it.

[Mesemene]

Thank you Victoria.

 

I hope your fibroids don't end up causing you similar problems!!! Mine really weren't an issue until about 9 months ago - when the heavy long periods started. Now I feel lucky with one anything under 3 weeks!!! The iron does seem to be making a bit of a difference - this round seems to be mostly annoying spotting so far, the downside being it was only about 6 days between the end of the last and beginning of this one >_

 

I've had at least some fibroids since my 20's, they noticed them when I had an ultrasound for my daughter - but they said it's fairly common and not to worry. (ironically, the ultrasound was necessary because the fibroids made them consider I might be carrying twins initially). Now in my 40's, they're definitely becoming unwelcome guests.

 

I'm sorry to hear yours interfered with your childbearing - the miscarriages must have been heartbreaking.

 

Oddly, pain wise - mine don't bother me much either for the most part - some cramping here and there, and the "gushing" you mentioned (so embarrassing to be in the middle of the store and have everything burst the dam, so to speak!) and clots the size of a healthy calf's liver - but it's the fatigue that just annoys me, I'm used to being one of those people that gets antsy if I stay still too long!!!

 

Thanks so much for posting - best of luck to both of us (heck, to all women) that this "common" problem gets more attention and potential solutions!!!!

[Mesemene]

Journal Entry - more Venting 101.

 

So last night SUCKED. Mom was in one of her moods. When she gets in one of these, she gets her "OCD" moments, since she knows she can be controlling, she suppresses it until it comes out at everyone in the household as moving targets. Last night, I was the target of opportunity. After pretty much slaving away all week, it really got to me, and I know better.

 

First - last month we had a family discussion on bill payment. I was going to use our bank account to start paying some of the utilities online - because the payment center charges a service fee for everything. Comes to about $15 per month, and they don't forward payment for 2-3 business days. So I figured, online is free, just deposit the money, make the payment, print the receipt, immediate credit and save the fees. She agreed at the time.

 

So when she mentioned going to the payment center today, I was like "I thought we were going to pay online to save the fees?"

Her response? "I never agreed to that."

 

WTH? Yes, you bloody well DID!!! Fine, screw it, it's your money to flush down the crapper.

 

Then I was finally getting my dinner - I emptied the casserole dish from the cauliflower, and used the foil it had been covered with to wrap the remaining two pieces for the fridge. Saves using anything extra, right? And I say "I'll scrub this out after I eat while my dinner is still hot," after rinsing and putting it in the sink.

 

"You need to come and take care of this dish!" "I said I was going to..." "Well I didn't hear you!"

 

"I hope you're getting foil this week, you're using it like candy!" (never mind that I bought the last pack, and it's a 500ft roll that's barely been touched...)

 

Umm, no I'm not, I've used a whole two pieces in two weeks, I've just used what covered the dishes to store food as well...

 

I bust my ass around here, no exaggeration. I already volunteered myself to get the living room cleaned right. I did dishes last night because I noticed a roach trying to take up residence on a rinsed plate. (They come from sis's room, which I refuse to clean.) And was asked "what are you doing - I was going to have Sarah do those tomorrow." I explained, and the response "we have to get more traps!" Which I suppose I'll also be responsible for.

 

Nights like last night make me wonder how long I'll be able to keep this up. I just can't see an end to this with dad no longer driving. After all, people still have to get to their appointments, and she's still got to get to work. What position have I gotten myself into??? I can't even job-hunt between the health issues and the driving and chores.

 

I wanted to be out of here by spring - but I just don't know if that's going to happen.

 

I want my life back, damn it!

[Mesemene]

Ok, today wasn't horrible.

 

It also wasn't great.

 

I did the promised and dreaded sweeping/mopping scrubbing after moving the living room furniture. Note to self - whoever takes care of it, I'm not letting it get to that point again, ICK.

 

Cleaned mom's fan and ran out to pay the bills (with the lovely surcharges and delays). Oh well.

 

I didn't cook tonight after the running around and scrubbing - my own quiet rebellion. I don't have the funds to buy anything else to restock the "family food" atm, since I paid for everything last week, and sis has about as many dinner ideas as a mushroom.

 

Oh and the capper - the meds nurse adjusted dad's medication for his psych issues, and they're NOT working well - he's been forgetting every 10 minutes which remote does what and threatening to take a hammer to the TV "because it's broken." No, it's not, operator error... UGH

 

I need to see some light at the end of this godforsaken tunnel besides having my energy back!

[Mesemene]

Meh, today was ok. It was hectic, but that's not really a biggie.

 

Had a few "up" moments, a few "blah" ones, but so far, nothing stands out as being exceptionally bad at least

 

First oops of the day - mom got to work and realized she had the wrong uniform jacket. The one from before she lost a lot of weight - one that's big enough she looked like a kid dressing in her parent's clothes!!! So I had to run back out as soon as I got home and take her the right one

 

That wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't so hot today - over 100F here. And AC in the car needs recharged.

 

First "up" moment - she gave me money to get myself a starbucks on the way home. My weakness, and one I don't indulge in often.

 

Eh moment - my order got screwed up -_-;;; Ah well, it was still good.

 

"Up" moment - guy pulled up beside me at a light to tell me I was "looking good" and hit on me. Since I've lost about 35lbs in recent months - that felt pretty good. I still have a ways to go - but it's a definite boost.

 

Got home, had to run out again to the water store to fill the 5gal bottles for the cooler. And... and... I can tote them now with no issues from muscle exhaustion. Milestone!

 

And final "eh" moment, the spotting I've been having decided to open the floodgates. That's not good for me - it means I've only had 12 days or so from end of period to starting the heavy part of this one, and I should have about 2 weeks left of this one. So I better enjoy the energy while I have it, and remember my vitamins and iron regimen. If I can maintain energy even through this, I know I'm on the road to being back to "normal."

[Mesemene]

Today was what I'd consider a "bland" day.

 

It was busy (of course) but just nothing stood out, either good or bad. Not always a bad thing

 

Sis cooked AND did dishes today - apparently mom said something about they needed done and NOT by me.

 

So I ran errands, dad had a dr. appt, picked up prescriptions, did the usual driving for mom - and - that was it.

 

Didn't have time for the luxurious long shower and hair trim I was looking forward to - but there's always tomorrow!

 

Ah.. tomorrow... time to come up with another interesting dinner plan. *sigh* Allrecipes, here I come...

[Mesemene]

Wow... I think I have issues until I look around at my family.

 

To say we're functionally dysfunctional is an understatement!

 

Dad had a meds switch due to a new FDA regulation. Pity it didn't take into consideration things like withdrawal, mania, and extreme disorientation coming off the higher dose.

 

He's now at the crisis center temporarily until they can find a balance again that will allow him to function normally.

 

Of course, this has made sis's depression and anxiety kick up, and mom's OCD and anxiety go up as well. And where it makes sis retreat to her room - mom gets manic, and control-freaky over the oddest things. Like last night - she dragged sis out of bed at 2am to help scrub the microwave dad had let stuff boil over in. Couldn't be me - in her mindset at the time, sis is dad's caretaker (true) and mom thinks I'm overburdened as it is (somewhat true but still). While I appreciate her "defending" me and not wanting me taken advantage of - at the same time, sometimes it's just easier to get done what needs to be, and worry about the balancing of things later down the line.

 

Oh and the brakes on the car died - probably a caliper actually - so it's in the shop. More stress - yay!

 

And on weekends, hubby's work schedule changed, so I've got both my stepsons to myself. His shift is a mid shift, so he doesn't get off work til 9pm. And mom is OCDish about some of the kid's stuff - they have to be exceptionally perfect most of the time.

 

Add to that, the kid's mom lost her job - again. She was just out of work from November through July or so - and after a mere 3 months, she's out of work again. *sigh*

[Mesemene]

So far so good this week.

 

The myorraghia is being a pain in the butt - but that's nothing new. At least this round I still have some energy. I've almost chored myself out of chores though!!!

 

Cleaned the oven yesterday, started on the fridge today.

 

Groundbreaking event - hubby and I are going to try the smokeless electronic cigs and quit smoking. This oughtta be interesting. I'm hoping it works out well - the cost savings would be immense, as well as the health benefits.

 

And hopefully will have enough to get hubby another work comp tonight/tomorrow. The ads usually come out tomorrow at 5am - we'll have to see what's available.

 

Making a chicken stir fry tonight to go with rice leftover from last night, we'll see how well it goes over

[Mesemene]

Frustration sets in. Grrr.

 

Ok, so yesterday was hectic. No surprise, Fridays ALWAYS are.

 

Dad was discharged from the psych hospital yesterday. Point of frustration #1 - he honestly doesn't seem much better. #2 - while he was there, he got some sort of spider or bug bite on his arm. The doctor had said they wouldn't release him until they were sure it was ok. Well, it looks horrible, black scab in the middle about the size of a pinto bean, and red, raised, hard, hot area around it about the size of a silver dollar.

 

#3 - Mom had an early meeting today that had the two of us on the road at 6am. Since her normal work schedule isn't until afternoon, that was crazy. And she's not even getting paid for it!

 

#4 - My stepsons' mom said when she dropped the boys off yesterday she'd be picking them up today for a fall festival at their other grandmom's church. OK, no problem. However, she said it starts around 4pm - and she'd call me with more info today. It's almost 3:30pm already, and no call. Last time she said something like this she no call/no showed. And left me to tell them "sorry, she's not coming." This is unfortunately typical.

 

#5 - The floor - SIL's job, looks like crap. Literally. One of her dogs stepped in poo and some of it still isn't cleaned up. Ick.

 

#6 - Meals. The only cooked meals, like, really cooked, are my responsibility. Because if left to her, her response is always the same. "I dunno." I dunno doesn't feed anyone.

 

I'm just really annoyed and angry about it atm. I know she's depressed. Join the freaking club! So am I! But I refuse to let it completely disable me again like it did once before! So I don't always feel great. So I don't want to get up some days. Oh bloody well. A lot of people have worse issues than I do - and they still get up and get their crap done, so how can I do less, especially with people depending on me?

[Mesemene]

The menorraghia is being a pain in the butt this month. Three weeks and counting, no end in sight. I will be SO glad when we have insurance again and I can get this handled.

 

I have a vague recollection of what sex is. I wish I could stop this crap for at least a few days and get some conjugal lovin'!!!

 

The last few days have been eh, ok. Very very busy though. I've cooked, I've cleaned, I've baked. The one positive point is I've been able to keep my energy up for the most part.

 

Had to take dad to the ER to get the bite lanced - it had abscessed badly and needed drained. Sis didn't feel like going (that's a quote.) (She's dad's official caretaker, so it pisses me off.)

 

Came home and no surprise, no dinner was fixed. Yay.

 

I'm tired. Like could sleep for a week tired. I have energy, but getting up at the crack of dawn for 4 days with the boys and running errands til 11pm is wearing me down. I need to do laundry today and sweep the kitchen, and probably cook dinner - sis is supposed to, but I'm not holding my breath. Thank God I can vent in here, because if I didn't, I'd end up telling her off, and she'd go off to the psych ward because it would be "too much for her."

 

*SIGH*

 

Ah well, time to take mom to work. More later!

[Mesemene]

And now I'm cursing.

 

The muscle fatigue hit again today. I've JUST gotten used to being able to do things like "normal" without feeling like I can't breathe - and now this crap again. Makes me want to spit nails. No, it's not the end of the world at all - but I did have things I wanted to do today (reorganize shelves and clean room, sweep kitchen) and at this rate, it's not going to get all done, I'll have to do it in bits and pieces. It just makes me nuts.

 

Dad's caseworker is due here momentarily (actually she just got here) and of course, neither of them were ready for her, even though she's right on time. GRRR

 

On the bright side, I did get the pumpkin bread dropped off to the guys at the auto body shop. The guy I handed it to seemed very confused and startled. Culture/language barrier maybe?

[Mesemene]

Annnd after a 2 year break...

 

MIL is still a major issue. Since hubby got his permanency at the hospital, we now have good medical insurance, so I'm slowly getting my health issues addressed.

 

The first surprise was being diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Also had to get a nodule in my thyroid biopsied twice - the first lab tech messed up the prep solution (ugh) so it had to be redone.

 

That was not a picnic. It's not acutely painful. It IS uncomfortable as hell.

 

Doc, since I'm adopted with no history, has put me on a heart healthy "eating style." it's not a "diet" as I'm supposed to follow the basic guidelines for the rest of my life. Good bye, macaroni and cheese. Except in small amounts, bye bye pasta, rice, white bread products, most grains... you get the idea.

 

I can have one dessert a week. Nope, no exaggeration. A week. And fruit only every two days. Apples are one of my mainstays, so that's a hard one for me.

 

2 lean meats a day - fish at least a few times a week. 5 veggies a day. 5 fats a day. I think I'm going to start sprouting ears and a fuzzy tail.

 

Started on Monday last week, so almost a week in. Made a huge veggie lo mein for everyone last night - with a large proportion of veggies to noodles so it would be appropriate. Yummy! Veggie pizza tonight, which covers my starch for the day.

 

Off to eat, details later.

[Mesemene]

Ugh.

 

I know, I wrote earlier. But things are getting on my nerves today way out of proportion.

 

First - the thermostat game. Where I am it doesn't get "wintery" at all. So bear in mind, we're still in the 80-90+ degree range during the day.

 

All summer, it was set at 76. Then recently, it went to 77. Ok, could live with that.

 

But then this past week or so, MIL turns it up to 79. And the most we can turn it down to is 78. Because she uses it as a personal heater/cooler, and has the coolest room in the house.

 

So I roast. It's 9pm, and it's 82 in my room. Grrr. Heat makes me irritable. The cold I'm in a fight for dominance with makes me irritable.

 

Add to that - I recently changed my diet a bit. So when we went shopping for family meals - she cut the amount she's contributing in half. There are six of us, and I sure don't eat even 1/6. So we'll be short for meal food, and we will get to make up the difference, since hubby and son still need to, well, eat, as does the FIL and SIL, both huge eaters.

 

She's an inconsiderate psychotic b**** for the most part. There are so many days I pretty much hate her. That's sad, because I just don't get that strongly negative about people. Most nasty people I just don't care about - but I don't develop any strong negative feelings towards really. Her, my ex - they're in that select category of "would dance on their grave and resurrect them to kill them again" category. And I'm not too fond of myself atm because of it. I don't like knowing anyone can make me feel that level of anger and resentment.

 

She was advised to change her eating habits because her cholesterol is high. She did, alright. She bought more JUNK than she has in weeks. And when she's not feeling better, or her labs come back worse, she'll whine that she's done everything she can.

 

SIL refuses to try and walk anywhere to exercise - against her doc's orders.

 

I feel like a hamster running on a wheel, running just to keep apace and not get thrown off.

 

Just to give you an idea of a typical week:

Drive MIL back and forth to work - 45 miles a day, 5 days a week.

2 days drop off and pick up meds

3 days shopping

3 days cooking

sweeping, bathroom, put up dishes about 4-5 days

take hubby and CP bud to work - 35 miles daily 3 days a week

My own doc appts - about 2 a week and another 40 miles driving

Yard poop scooping - 3 days a week (I have one dog, they have 7)

That's not including pet care in house, individual cleaning, etc.

 

Now SIL's schedule

2 days wash dishes

2 days a month cooking

 

Seriously. That's all she does. She's the "caretaker" for FIL but 9/10 days that means she does nothing. He makes his own meals, and MIL gives him his medication.

 

She pays no rent. She has the art of sitting on her butt down to a science. And MIL pampers her like a spoiled poodle.

 

I get so frustrated.

 

That's it.

 

It doesn't help that hubby is so used to dealing with her that he thinks I just need to learn to deal with it.

[Weeblie]

Wow, I don't know how you handled living there for two years! Will you be able to move out soon?

[Mesemene]

Wow, I don't know how you handled living there for two years! Will you be able to move out soon?

 

I made the mistake of making the promise that I "would make sure MIL had a way to get back and forth to work until she retires."

 

I thought she was planning on retiring this coming year, when she turns 65. And hubby figured it would be more efficient for us to save up for a house instead of adding extra runs for our place/their place.

 

She recently made a comment that she intended to work until she drops.

 

I told hubby I have no intention of being a live in maid, chauffeur, cook, and whipping girl indefinitely. Even if it means lowering our ambitions to a nice modular home or even a double wide.

 

So we're looking at moving as soon as I get the last of my health issues in progress (carpal tunnel and check for thyroid stability now that I'm on meds, on new meds for the fibroids, etc) hopefully within the year.

 

Light at the end of the tunnel... light at the end of the tunnel *sneeze* damn this cold!

[Mesemene]

Well as usual, things still get on my nerves.

 

I know part of it is me. The situation, getting a ton of medical tests, and the walking on eggshells make me very antsy and prone to getting irritable. So little things will bother me that maybe shouldn't.

 

Just looked up a cabbage roll recipe for ingredients - it's what I'm planning to do for Thanksgiving this year. Or I was planning - and then SIL says she's making. Oh HELLS no - she doesn't "do homemade" so it'll be no flavor and with spaghetti sauce on the top instead of cooked properly in tomato sauce with seasoning.

 

If she wants to do some her way, fine- but I'm doing some the traditional way with actual flavor.

 

She can make her damned pumpkin pie and pistachio fluff-not. I say that because she has no clue how to make it fluff so it's a soupy mess. How she can screw up the simplest things is beyond me.

 

And I need the ingredients for green bean casserole, which I could happily live on.

 

Had my nerve induction tests yesterday morning. Interesting. Got to get zapped repeatedly with a low intensity thing that looked like a tazer.

 

Then had needles poked into muscles to read electrical impulses. I was less fond of that step. Ouch on the hands.

 

Need to figure out something to make for dinner tonight. Not sure what sounds good though. Made chili on Thursday - about 3 gallons, so there's still some left. So something different for tonight might be nice. Could do chicken casserole - but it's not cheap to make. *ponders* I'd need some of the potatoes - the chicken - the creamy chicken soup. I have the biscuits. Oi, possible.

[Mesemene]

Well this was an interesting holiday. Hubby had to work, no biggie.

 

Son was out of town to visit his father (he's 21). He was staying with his older sister, who is married with two kids. Anyway, the job market out here, stinks, to put it politely. Back east, there is a better availability of jobs. And she extended the offer to him to stay with her and work out there.

 

So with no warning, I've lost my "baby." He's also been a major helpmate to me with everyone's conflicting schedules, and hubby's graveyard shift - he helps me with his younger stepbrothers and preps for me when I'm on dinner duty (which is most of the time).

 

So, now it's pushing me to push everyone else to take up their share of the burdens. Since I can't share with him, there's no way in hell I'll be able to be "Superwoman" anymore, running from noon to midnight and doing all the cooking and cleaning, child care, and errands.

 

Hubby will have to step up and do more active parenting, despite his schedule.

SIL will have to step up and do more of the cooking and cleaning.

And MIL will have to lower her demands and start figuring out some alternatives for her constant running.

 

So while it's depressing on the one hand... I suppose it's going to force ME to "woman up" and put my foot down to this household, and stop trying to be everything to everyone.

 

And it's making me reconsider something else.

 

I stopped finishing school (I have about 120 credits or so) when we were moving and I couldn't access the online portion of my classes. I have some school debt - but after... I'm considering pursuing something I'd dearly wanted when I was. well, about 18. Cooking. I've been watching cooking shows, and it's "reignited" my interest. I've been doing some cooking all along - but - it's been limited trying to keep within 6 people's likes. I used to cater on the side for my mom's parties and her friends - and always got raves. I've been cooking since I was 10. So I'm thinking maybe it's time to put the combination of business classes, cooking skills, and psych courses to work and aim for something manageable but fun and creative. We shall see.

[Mesemene]

Annnnd hubby's ex strikes again.

 

She had improved quite a bit on her responsibility issues. For several years (my stepson is 10-1/2, and we've been together over 8 years) she was horrible about picking him up, about keeping promises to go to places she'd promised him and his half brother, and overall to everyone.

 

(Side note - his half brother isn't related to hubby - but we treat both of them as "ours" anyway - they're only just over a year apart in age and he doesn't have a father to be involved.)

 

So anyway, last night she was supposed to pick them up for the christmas light display in the historic area of town. She called from work to say she'd been held up, and would have to postpone til tonight. Now, I had no issue with this. Actually this got a HUGE thumbs up - prior years she just would have no-showed.

 

So tonight comes. She calls while I'm running an errand and leaves a message that could I call when the kids are done dinner so she can arrange a time to grab them. No problem! I'm thrilled - she's actually communicating!

 

I call her back around 7pm to let her know we're done eating, kids are brushing and washing up and are ready whenever she is. She says her husband (new marriage) is in the shower, and she will call back in a few minutes with firm details/plans.

 

Two hours later I call her. Her hubby finally answers. "oh, she passed out."

 

He hasn't exactly been the fastest learner on stepping up to the plate. So HE got an earful. I informed him I had two boys sitting dressed and ready to go for two hours. And if he knew that there was an activity planned for the night, he should have put on his daddy pants and called before now.

 

He's never had the pleasure of seeing me pissed - so I imagine this was new for him.

 

However, I've had over 8 years of having to deliver the disappointments and mop up the tears from this crap. I am pissed. All it would've taken was a 2 minute call - "hey, I know we were supposed to pick up the boys tonight, but Mel worked 14 hours and she passed out waiting for me in the shower. Can you apologize to the boys or let me talk to them to explain?"

 

Instead. I get... WISHY. WASHY. BULL.

 

Ok, this time - at least it's legit. But OMG... the excuses I've gotten over the years... the no call/no shows I've had them dressed for, and listened to them sob. And the heartbreaking line from the older "I don't know why we even bother to get dressed anymore," when he was all of 7 years old to his sobbing younger brother.

 

And I'm left to deliver the disappointment and fill in the gap. So now, my only "day off" (hubby gets home from work at 7am and has a boys day with them to give me some downtime) I've promised to get up and make pancakes, and take them to the lights next weekend if mom can't.

 

GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

[Mesemene]

Oh oh oh, on a positive note!

 

Hubby has been wanting to get me a replacement wedding ring for 5 years, ever since mine broke during a move.

 

And this is what he picked out for me!!!

 

 

 

*bounce bounce*

 

I should note he had picked out a few that had solitaire gemstones, then called me from work to consult since he knows I'm not big on a lot of jewelry. I gave him some ideas (I prefer something I can wear all the time, that won't catch on anything, and has a special something different) and this was the result.

 

I feel so special!

[Mesemene]

Oh crap - more positive.

 

Remember two years ago we all tried the e-cigarettes?

 

I quit smoking completely within a month.

 

I haven't touched a cig since!!! Seriously! I did gain a few pounds, but that was more due to frustration and lack of funds for healthier meals (and probably my misbehaving thyroid) than anything else. Between the meds and a veg-heavy diet, it's slowly dropping back off.

 

Ideally - I'd love to lose about 40-50 lbs.

 

I'd settle for 30-40. But shoot, if I can do 30, 40 should not be that horrible. It's just getting this ball rolling.

 

So far, one of my main problems seems to be eating ENOUGH to satisfy my daily requirement. Raw carrots, bell pepper, and green beans are my staple go-to veggies. I go through about 12 oz of carrots and 16 of green beans a day. Great, right?

 

But - I fall down on the carbs and protein portion of the program. I usually only manage one protein portion, and 1-2 carbs.

 

One of the problems is I don't eat often enough. I get up in the morning and immediately take my thyroid hormone. I can't eat or drink anything or take any other meds for at least an hour.

 

After the hour, I make my morning tea. If I remember or feel hungry, I grab my carrots with my allowable amount of dressing, or plain depending on my mood. I don't even consider a protein in the morning. Take my other meds (blood pressure, progesterone, and vit D megadose wednesdays)

 

Then I start the hamster on wheel running. I get some stuff pre-organized to go, like hubby's coffee. He works graves, so he takes a thermos. I figure out what to send him for food - he works 12 hour shifts, so he needs something solid. Make a mental note to pick up anything if I need it, since the store is on the way home from dropping mom at work.

 

Take mom to work. Stop at store for meds or other items. Get home. If it's Mon or Wed, take hubby to the plasma appt. Come home - figure out family dinner. Start laundry. Go pick hubby up. Fix dinner. Tell everyone dinner is ready and get out dishes to put leftovers in - and wash the cookware. Clean the kitchen counters and prep areas.

 

By now it's 7pm. And I have to have a slow day to have had time for a second eating experience in there.

 

*headdesk*

[Mesemene]

Dinner tonight - I cooked just for me. And it felt GOOD.

 

I took some of the leftover London Broil from Thursday, 1/2 large bell pepper, and some spring onion and sauteed it lightly with olive oil and worcershire sauce, and piled it on a piece of navajo frybread. The frybread made it less than ideal - but I reserved my carb and fat portions for the day to allow for it. Ate about 1/3 and put the rest up for later. YUM. Munched on some baby petite raw carrots while cooking to keep the appetite manageable.

 

Baked 150 cookies today as well, and made the choc chip pancakes for the kids as promised. I'm eternally grateful I don't have a sweet tooth or I wouldn't fit through the door because I love to bake.

 

And now I'm ready to settle in with a show for a bit and relax with my pup while hubby finishes organizing the kids to be picked up (showers etc so they're good to go for school.)

[Mesemene]

Back again.

 

Tomorrow doesn't look too busy *crossing fingers* but time will tell.

 

So far I have my "normal running around" and no extra trips.

 

The marginally "bad" for the day - I saw a recipe I'd love to try on the family, but I'm trying to enforce everyone pitching in for the family meals a bit more.

 

Right now, the way it tends to work is, since SIL doesn't cook and stays in bed til 3-4pm, I have to make a dinner decision before she gets up if I'm to have TIME to prepare anything. And as a result - hubby and I are pretty much supporting the household when it comes to family meals. We get very few extras for ourselves (he gets granola bars for work, and occasionally hot pockets for work) and I get my sweet petite baby carrots.

 

MIL and SIL go through, I kid you not, two gallons of ice cream a week. Cookies. Peanut butter (for snack) - a family sized jar a week. Mom gets Starbucks $5 drinks daily. Mom gets her deli chorizo (which I don't really mind as it stretches for her lunches and snacks.)

 

Dad gets cake, pie, soda, sausages, but that's about it.

 

The "blowing it" is mostly MIL and SIL.

 

Can we afford it? Yes - but I find it unfair that their portion of grocery money goes for extras for them while we provide the meals.

 

And when I try to involve them in making lists for shopping and helping - well, that gets me nowhere. MIL won't even suggest anything except boxed stuff cause SIL doesn't like cooking and mostly doesn't cook - and even MIL is embarrassed asking me to cook anything more than I already do. SIL's stock answer is still "I dunno."

 

She's had a year of therapy. I'd say she may have graduated from mushroom level up to cabbage.

 

*headdesk*

 

I like cooking. I'd just like to feel like it's a joy again instead of a pain in the ass.

[Mesemene]

Oh it's been a while!

 

Update: Hubs put his foot down - our meals are now separated from whatever SIL chooses to prepare for family. So all I have to worry about is my veggies and him - and he's an easy guy when it comes to food.

 

Four days a week, it's "on the go" stuff since he has an odd work schedule - 3x12 hour shifts and 1x4 hour shift, graves. So basically I make sure he has iced tea, a thermos of coffee, and things like homemade breakfast burritos, some veggie steamers, and granola bars. Mostly stuff I can pre-make (I get the filling for the 'ritos done on Day 1 for a couple of days worth.)

 

So what did I do today? I cooked tilapia for myself... and ended up sharing with FIL. And I bought steaks (OMGEEEEEE, they were on sale buy 1 get 2 free, not a typo!) so I'll end up making those at least a couple of times for the family.

 

And I baked 2 loaves of banana bread last night - both gone today.

 

I swear, I'm a case. I get bored, and I need something to do. And I exercised 3 times today, if I do much more I'll drop dead or the health club will kick me out!

 

Other diet changes made - adding fruit back in, because I eliminated my tea. Yes, my beloved iced tea is gone, because I can't stand it with artificial sweetener and it was accounting for enough sugar to help a third world country. So out it goes, except for one 8 ounce cup at night with nectresse. Either I'll get used to it, or I won't. But the sugar is out. *sob*

 

So for this week I have chicken, some salad fixings, apples, pears, grapes, baby carrots, and veggie steamables. Some salmon patties. And I'll be picking up some of these new veggieburgers that were actually AMAZING. They made bocas taste like crap. Lightlife, they're called.

link removed

I swear, they don't have the mushy texture that puts me off the boca, and the flavor is amazing. Completely satisfies my cheeseburger urge.

 

And the store was all out -_-