Am I reading too much into this? (Warning: Long post)

[camus154]

Haha...appreciating the female form? Are you kidding me? How old is this guy? 16?

[OptomisticGirl]

Also, double check about him marrying here. I know L and I can get married on the Visa Waiver Program but he has to go back and then I'm moving there, I don't know if it would work the other way if he were moving here.

[Huntress0527]

Haha...appreciating the female form? Are you kidding me? How old is this guy? 16?

 

Just a nice way of staying, yeah I stare at T and A. lol

[turnera]

And that's something that, as far as I know, never goes away, no matter how old the guy gets.

[camus154]

And that's something that, as far as I know, never goes away, no matter how old the guy gets.

 

I appreciate the female form as much as the next guy. But I haven't had pictures of women up as my wallpaper since I was in my early 20s.

[turnera]

*shrug* His reason was pretty valid to me. They aren't married. They aren't even engaged, right? Unless he's flat out lying, his excuse was the exact same excuse I had for still having a picture of my old boyfriend - I like the memories of that period of my life; the picture reminds me of them.

[camus154]

I like the memories of that period of my life; the picture reminds me of them.

 

Exactly. So if you have a picture that *reminds* you of someone up as your WALLPAPER, don't you think that's saying something?

[Lithp]

Exactly. So if you have a picture that *reminds* you of someone up as your WALLPAPER, don't you think that's saying something?

 

According to him, the wallpaper itself is set to rotate through a series of photos, which is a setting I've had on myself, until random pictures of...things I didn't necessarily want being displayed for all to see... started popping up on my desktop. Whether he's being truthful or not the excuse he's given is more plausible than some of the excuses that were listed by a previous poster. He was very upfront about the picture and admitted that it reminds him of a good time, and what is wrong with that, really? Not everyone works the same way. He explained to her he enjoys looking at women, which she has come to accept. He explained to her that the photo was a reminder of a good period in his life, which isn't abnormal for some.

 

I think it would be wise of her to be on alert and stay cautious from now on, but these are things that she's allowed in the relationship so she can't hang him for that.

[OptomisticGirl]

I guess I see it as such. He says he felt nothing for her, but he knew she had a huge crush on him. Why have a picture of someone if they meant nothing to you? Idk.

[MyNinja]

I would have definitely pushed for more information. Even though his demeanor was calm and he seemed genuinely sorry, I would still want to know more about what might have been going on through his head other than him liking to look at women. I really hope he meant what he said and wasn't lying about any of this. I would be on my toes and be more aware and cautious. Watch his behavior a little more closely for now

 

I do sense that he means well overall and I hope everything works out between the two of you. Keep us posted

 

Until we meet again...

[Ariel85]

I only read the OP and the last page.

 

Let me tell you something, O. Two BF's ago, whom I lived with, made a living as a fitness model. The meant he was not only completely jacked like a michelin man, but also had a stunning face. He was an incredible specimen of a man. Like Charles Atlas. lol I had no idea he was so well known when we first started dating, and I was in NYC visiting friends, and pulled up a pic of him online from a shoot, and my friends went nuts, because they knew him from his modeling, and one, no joke, owned one of calendars (lol). Anyway, point is, the guy was drop dead hunky, got paid to stand around and look hot, and had numerous pics of himself in print and online. So, screen saver material all the way (and he actually sold these on his website - lol). One could argue it would not have wrong for me to still have his screen saver on my computer, since what the heck, he's a model, right?

 

And since we split, I would NEVER conceive of having his pics on my computer as a screen saver.

 

There is a point of saying you admire the opposite sex form (which would entail a pic for your BF of Heidi Klum or Jenna Jameson), and then just being snowed and lied to.

 

You're getting the latter, hon.

[Lithp]

I see where you're coming from, and I agree to a certain extent, but not every guy is going to go for the 'Heidi Klum' type woman. Some guys think stereotypically 'sexy' woman are actually quite the opposite. I've dated guys that others would deem drool worthy and not gotten anything out of them, and my current boyfriend is slightly overweight, scruffy from head to toe and walks like a Neanderthal. I think he's a fine specimen of a man and far more drool-worthy than my last two boyfriends that everyone thought were so gorgeous. I know men who would take a chubby/slightly overweight woman with no make-up over a stick figure model type any day. Basically what I'm saying is, he has his preferences and if he thinks this woman is something to look at - and that's all - it's quite possible that that is all it is, regardless of what we would think men should prefer.

 

Ok. Rant over

[OptomisticGirl]

I would agree with this (and do) if it weren't for the fact this was the same woman who had a major crush on him and let that me known. If this was a picture he had found online I wouldn't see a problem with it but it's the fact this particular girl had it bad for him. The whole ego boost thing really worries me. Should YOU, O, be giving him these ego boosts, not a woman who he had no emotional connection with but really liked him?

[lalalollipops]

Yeah the insecurity thing is very worrying bc that's why my ex cheated. He was soo insecure about himself and needed the attention to fill the 'void' in himself. That, and boredom, selfishness and need for variety lol.

But O, don't you see that leads to lots of problems? Since this guy is insecure, and since he needs alot of attention to feel good about himself, how do you know he's not stringing along a few more women? Flirting and leading them on, with stories about meeting them etc and getting together and being together in the future? Bc getting them to fall for him would be the ultimate little ego boost, and now that he has you, he needs more to fill that void that opening up again.

I'm feeling uneasy bc actually the way he reacted to everything, was exactly how my ex reacted. =/ The responses and how he acted. Some people are really quick on their feet, not everybody will stutter when caught out, esp if they have the ability to juggle different girls at once- they've already honed their skill of uh 'coming up with excuses.'

Insecurity leads to gigs, leads to the constant need for validation from lots of people. Shouldn't YOUR attention to enough for them? =/ Boundaries = vital.

[Oneironaut]

Hello again!

 

There is a point of saying you admire the opposite sex form (which would entail a pic for your BF of Heidi Klum or Jenna Jameson), and then just being snowed and lied to.

 

You're getting the latter, hon.

 

Heh heh...I knew someone would make an absolute proclamation like that. With all due respect and in all truthfulness, none of us can say with 100% certainty what he is or isn't doing, including myself. But thank you for your opinion.

 

I appreciate the female form as much as the next guy. But I haven't had pictures of women up as my wallpaper since I was in my early 20s.

 

He's not you.

 

Anyhow, I decided to make a list this afternoon of the "Pros" and "Cons" regarding this entire situation, so I can try to look at it logically. Here's what I came up with:

 

Pros

 

- His behavior towards me has not changed at all; he is still treating me as well as when he first asked me to try again back in February.

- I Google'd several "Signs of a cheater" lists...he had none of the signs on any of the lists.

- He has always been bluntly honest with me about enjoying looking at, and the company of, women.

- He has always told me when he is in contact with females and exes.

- He's not the type to do things he doesn't want to do; if he didn't want to be in this relationship, he would not only -not- be in it (as when he broke up with me last year), he wouldn't be going out of his way to send me money to help with bills, seeing as how he's a major tightwad.

- His friends who have known him for most of his life have both told me he never cheated on girlfriends as they were growing up, but they -were- willing to tell me that he's highly moody, highly irritable at times, and a very stingy with his money, suggesting that they weren't simply out to make him look good.

- When I approached him about it last night, nothing in his demeanor suggested that he was lying to me.

- This is the first serious issue that has come up since our reconciliation 7 months ago; other than that, the relationship has been great.

 

Cons

 

- One picture on his desktop slideshow of a woman who had the hots for him two years ago.

 

So...you guys can see my pickle, lol...as much as I dislike being in this predicament, I really have no serious reasons to believe I'm being played here.

 

Am I still uncomfortable about the situation? Of course, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But every time I look at that list, I just can't see myself breaking up with him over this, and in fact, doing so seems like it would be the epitome of over-reacting to a single incident in an otherwise awesome relationship.

 

I am going to take him up on his offer, and talk to him more when he logs on later. As some of you have said, I need to understand what it is that drove him to put this picture up in the first place. Yes, I feel that I -should- be enough for him in terms of his ego, and this has made it obvious to me that his ego is perhaps a little larger and more high-maintenance than I had thought.

 

In any case, I will keep you guys posted, because the awesome and insightful support I've gotten here has been incredible. Yeah, there have been a few of the robotic "he's-cheating-on-you-dump-him" type replies, but the vast majority of you have helped me work through this with different points-of-view and a whole lot of discussion.

 

Thank you, thank you!!

[Ariel85]

You're missing my point entirely. It's not about someone's personal vision of beauty.

 

People that have pics of celebrities or models or sports stars as a screen saver is understandable. They are unattainable fantasies.

 

But, having a pic of a person that you've had a past with, and a person you admit that you enjoy the ego boost from and wax poetic on her pic as a memory of better times is all really, really bad stuff. He's carrying some type of torch for her, I think that's obvious.

[meoww]

Think about the way you found out. If you had never watched the video, you never would have found out. Honestly, is this the kind of relationship you want to be in? I don't know...it's pretty weird to have a picture of your ex on your computer even when you're single, let alone in a relationship. And it's his screensaver or desktop image!

 

It may seem unfathomable to end a relationship when there is no physical cheating, but as you said yourself, he hasn't been as attentive, preferring to talk to someone else during while your pursue your mutual hobby--the game--he should be wanting to enjoy his hobby with you! You should find someone who is as equally enthusiastic about the relationship. Be honest with yourself. Trust me, lies of omission are not harmless either and usually indicate far worse things--especially as time goes on.

[Oneironaut]

Think about the way you found out. If you had never watched the video, you never would have found out. Honestly, is this the kind of relationship you want to be in? I don't know...it's pretty weird to have a picture of your ex on your computer even when you're single, let alone in a relationship. And it's his screensaver or desktop image!

 

It may seem unfathomable to end a relationship when there is no physical cheating, but as you said yourself, he hasn't been as attentive, preferring to talk to someone else during while your pursue your mutual hobby--the game--he should be wanting to enjoy his hobby with you! You should find someone who is as equally enthusiastic about the relationship. Be honest with yourself. Trust me, lies of omission are not harmless either and usually indicate far worse things--especially as time goes on.

 

I understand what you are saying. As I mentioned, I have every intention of discussing this with him further. But considering that everything else has been awesome for the last 7 months, and considering that the Pros far, far outweigh the Cons, I sincerely feel that it is unreasonable of me to simply walk away without trying to get to the bottom of this first, and attempting to discover the reason he felt the need to put this picture up, along with two pictures of me, a picture of the lead singer of Evanescence, and a number of anime pics.

 

When he and I got back together, we agreed to stick together through good times and through bad. This is the first "bad" issue that has come up, and I will not just walk away without working on it first. I owe our relationship that much.

 

Thank you for your input.

[Brownstone322]

I understand what you are saying. As I mentioned, I have every intention of discussing this with him further. But considering that everything else has been awesome for the last 7 months, and considering that the Pros far, far outweigh the Cons, I sincerely feel that it is unreasonable of me to simply walk away without trying to get to the bottom of this first, and attempting to discover the reason he felt the need to put this picture up, along with two pictures of me, a picture of the lead singer of Evanescence, and a number of anime pics.

 

When he and I got back together, we agreed to stick together through good times and through bad. This is the first "bad" issue that has come up, and I will not just walk away without working on it first. I owe our relationship that much.

I agree with your assessment, as a measured, cautious response would be in order. It's easy for outsiders to scream "walk away"; they have limited information and nothing invested.

 

On that theme, though, I think you opened this story up to internet speculation before you gathered enough facts (which are yet being gathered). Maybe that's the real lesson here.

[capilot]

Reading this, I think everything is fine.

[capilot]

If he knew her from so long ago, why does he still have her pic?

 

Some of us like to hang on to our memories. I have photos of girls I dated 30 years ago. I keep them stored away where they won't be seen, but I keep them. I frankly find the idea offensive that I'm expected to purge my past life every time I date someone new.

[OptomisticGirl]

Some of us like to hang on to our memories. I have photos of girls I dated 30 years ago. I keep them stored away where they won't be seen, but I keep them. I frankly find the idea offensive that I'm expected to purge my past life every time I date someone new.

 

There is a difference though in storing them away were they can't be seen, and having said picture as your desktop (Even on a random shuffle, obviously your going to recognize the picture when the desktop flips to it) when you are dating someone.

[Oneironaut]

I agree with your assessment, as a measured, cautious response would be in order. It's easy for outsiders to scream "walk away"; they have limited information and nothing invested.

 

On that theme, though, I think you opened this story up to internet speculation before you gathered enough facts (which are yet being gathered). Maybe that's the real lesson here.

 

Heh...yeah, I learned a long time ago, the hard way at first, that posing a question on an Internet forum is going to open you up to a variety of responses. I'm used to this now, and did actually want a variety of ideas from different people to make sure it wasn't just me.

 

I consider myself lucky that I didn't get a whole lot of negativity. There was one person who, as they have done before on other threads, tried to essentially blame all of this on being long distance, as if the Infidelity forum isn't highly populated with people in face-to-face relationships, lol...I ignored that post as soon as I realized they were heading that direction, as I did the posts that simply said, "He's lying" without giving the situation much thought.

 

In any case, since my first experiences in online forums back in the late 90s, when I got my ass handed to me on a platter numerous times, I learned to develop a thicker skin, which has served me quite well.

 

With that being said, here's my update, which will be the last one:

 

He and I just got done talking again at length. I told him that I still had some lingering questions, and he encouraged me to ask anything I wanted to know...another sign that he's not trying to hide anything. The vast majority of cheaters do not want to be questioned, and become highly defensive when they are, often turning the accusations back around on the questioner. While there are exceptions to every rule, I do not feel that is the case here.

 

Anyhow, I wanted to ask him some of the same questions, to see if his answers varied at all. Liars often have a difficult time keeping up with their lies, hence police questioning suspects multiple times, to see if their stories change.

 

I asked him why he'd taken a screenshot of her but he had never taken any of me while we're on webcam. He said he hadn't taken it, she had emailed it to him. That makes perfect sense, because I know he's not a "screenie" person the way I am.

 

I asked him if he'd been in love with her. He said no, that he had cared about her deeply as a friend and had greatly enjoyed their flirting, but that he had never been in love with her. I have no reason to doubt this, since he easily chose me when we first met, which is when they were hanging out a lot in the game.

 

There were a few other minor questions in there that I can't recall off-hand, but lastly, I asked the one that I really wanted to know because it's the one that has been bothering me the most: What exactly did having this picture up do for him? If it were breasts, I could have understood it more, but it was more of an emotional picture than an erotic one, so, what did it DO for him?

 

He said the same thing he has said twice before, which is that they had had a lot of good times together for a while, he thinks she is a pretty woman, and he likes looking at pretty women...nothing more sinister than that.

 

He said he realizes now that it was inappropriate, and he understood how I took it very badly, and he said he would never do anything like that again because he honestly felt bad hurting me.

 

Since I have absolutely no further reason to doubt anything he is saying, and as turnera put it early on in this thread, the relationship is 99% great other than this 1%, there is no reason for me to keep harping on it and doubting him, so as far as I am concerned, case dismissed due to a lack of evidence.

 

I do feel like the way we have handled this is the reason why our reconciliation has been successful so far, 7 months on Tuesday...we are fairly open with our communication (not perfect, by any stretch, but it gets better as time goes on), we work through issues with discussion, and when both parties are satisfied, we let it go. We don't bring up the past later and throw it in each other's faces, nor do we hold grudges silently. This is also another reason why, to me, it's ludicrous to dismiss this entire relationship simply for this one incident, and for the sole fact that it's long-distance...how often do two people find another who is so compatible in so many ways?

 

No relationship is perfect, but when both parties are motivated to try and work through the rough patches with compromise and communication, that's half the battle.

 

Anyhow, to wrap this up, thank you again to everyone who took time out of their busy lives to respond and give me their opinion and in most cases, support. I love this site.

[meoww]

Reading this, I think everything is fine.

 

But didn't she say that his behavior had changed? She didn't even know who he was talking to when he was playing the game with her. They were technically hanging out and she didn't even know who he was having a conversation with. It seems like it would be normal to be like, oh I'm talking to so and so right now. I thought that was the main problem, that he wasn't being as attentive or caring and then this picture appears. I mean it could obviously be no big deal but that's really how people start to take control of other people. It starts with small, seemingly innocent things, until it's really easy to cover up a big lie. It's confusing to me because in the beginning she seemed concerned that he wasn't treating her as well as he could, and suddenly he's the perfect boyfriend minus this one thing?

 

I don't really know anything about this particular relationship but I can't tell you how many times I or my friends have put up with somewhat shady behavior only to eventually be confronted with increasingly unacceptable behavior. I believe giving people the benefit of the doubt is the right thing, but it seems a bit hyperbolic to say everything is perfect except for this one thing.

[meoww]

well sorry I hadn't read the OP's final comments---anyway best of luck to you, it seems odd that he didn't realize it's kind of inappropriate to keep a stash of sexy pics of the ex, but maybe he's just young and learning.