Lithp Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I don't know, I'm pretty lazy about cleaning old photos off my hard drive. In fact, if the police ever had to do a search through my hard drive at any given moment, I'm pretty certain I'd be in prison right now. So I guess I can understand where he's coming from, and I'm glad you got an answer you were looking for. I'm not going to push it anymore because it's already been dealt with and you got your answer from him, so I'll just say good job. You handled it extremely well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I agree with lollipops, if she's so insignificant, why does he have her pic AS HIS WALLPAPER. HIS WALLPAPER. Think about this, O. Think about this long and hard. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 ^ wallpaper supposedly changes every few minutes lol? Still doesn't explain why that random chick is in his collection of wallpaper display photos. O, go read his reactions again. I think the acting somewhat oblivious and the non commital grunting is =/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lithp Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 ^ wallpaper supposedly changes every few minutes lol? Still doesn't explain why that random chick is in his collection of wallpaper display photos. It's a feature on Windows 7 I believe, or Vista. Possibly both. You set it and it'll go through folders of photos and display them for a certain amount of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 ^ yeah I know. But it doesn't explain why the photo is still existing. I was too trusting in the past with that guy, and I guess after I was screwed over I've become extra sensitive to BS lol. It's interesting how his explanation was somewhat similar to what diamond anticipated he'll say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lithp Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 ^ yeah I know. But it doesn't explain why the photo is still existing. I was too trusting in the past with that guy, and I guess after I was screwed over I've become extra sensitive to BS lol. No no, I totally get it I KNOW when I'm being lied to as well. I can smell it a million miles away. I just feel like she's got her answer, and having read some of her posts in the past about this guy, I really don't think there's anything anyone can say to make her think otherwise. She really loves him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 They say love is blind. In a way it's true? I just really pray that this guy WAS in fact being truthful. Bc she certainly deserves sb who cherishes her completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 My gut is telling me something that you won't like, O. I think you know the answer. I was not very happy with his responses either. But I will be here to support you regardless of the choice that you make. I wish you luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Wait. I'm confused. So this girl (wallpaper girl we will call her) had a major crush on him. So was this picture taken before you guys were together or after? I agree with Fudgie. But, as she said, we will support you in whatever decision you make and what course of action you take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 You have to stop and look at your long term goals not just your short term ones. What do you really want in a relationship? Do you want a normal relationship where you actually see each other and build a life together, or just someone at the end of a phone line or a chat session where you really are not intimately involved in what is going on in their lives. LDRs work when people have specific goals to accomplish (i.e., they are separated for a particular reason, and have plans to be together in the same place within a reasonable period of time), but if they are open ended with no real commitments, they do fall apart over time. And many people who form LDRs have hidden agendas... they like dating multiple women at once and the distance gives them safety and the ability to cover up and hide the women from each other. Or they have a local relationship that the LDR person doesn't know about, and they use the LDR for emotional support and phone/online sex when they're bored or because they need constant attention/admiration from multiple people to feel happy. Or they are stunted emotionally and can't handle a real in person relationship and the day to day demands of being reliable and accountable to another person. I am concerned in your case because he gives you some really flimsy excuses for his behavior, and is really controlling the contact with you rather than having it be open and two way. He decides when and how you talk, and disappears for big chunks of time. That is a strong sign he might have other women he is also doing this with, and when he's annoyed with you or not in the mood, he just disappears and you have no clue what is going on. And frankly, you have no clue what is going on ever because he controls the contact and you have no visibility into his real day to day life in his own area. So focus on your longer term goals... you eventually need to have a real relationship with someone in your local area, and will this guy ever be able to provide it? If not, then you are just killing time and wasting your time and heart on someone who will never be truly available to you to live a real and normal intimate relationship with... So you should be putting your efforts into meeting someone local, or else making concrete plans to find a way that you and he can live in the same area. If he's not open for that, then he probably is indeed communicating with other women locally or nearer to him to meet his sexual and emotional needs and eventually form a full time in person relationship with. What usually happens in cases like yours is that you'll just continue on until one day he just disappears or you discover he does indeed have other women and has lost interest in you because he is focusing on someone else and she finds out about you so he drops you to preserve that relationship. Don't focus on the nits like 'why did he say that', focus on the huge problem/issue that you have no way of really knowing what is going on in his life because he is so far away and the relationship is mainly fantasy wtih no plans to make it real. Either make it real, or recognize that you need to find someone local who is truly available to you and who you doesn't tightly control access to his time and life via the distance and random (silly) exucses like his CPU overheating... really, that's nonsense and he proved it by not talking to you then immediately talking to someone else... He's obviously lying and controlling you and the contact, and whether it is to be with another woman or just because he's selfish and not in the mood, it really doesn't matter because in the long run you're not really together nor have a future planned together so it's about fantasy and not reality. Who cares if he has someone else or not if he's not really with you nor has plans to share a real in person life with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 O ^ this post is the truth. You need to think further down the track. This guy 'supposedly' doesn't have a cell. Who doesn't have a cell phone in this day and age? He refuses to give you his home number either. Why is that? That just makes me think he's hiding alot of things. Don't just let things slide so easily. I do think this guy is being dishonest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond78 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I can say that the feature does indeed exist. I have windows 7 and at one point I had it set to do the random screenshot. But it lasted all of a few minutes because it was putting up pictures I didn't want as a background (not of guys or anything of that nature), so I disabled it. Although the timing of that pic being on the wallpaper is impeccable and I may have to go and test how long each screenshot stays up because I can't recall. If he's going to have an excuse, that's the most plausible one to have I must say. I think he may have entertained this girl's advances at some point as he admitted her attention gave him an ego boost. However, there is no way to tell if he was flirting in an inappropriate manner or not. I do admit I felt alot of relief for you when I read his explanation, but do have some lingering reservations about this and other things. I also agree wholeheartedly with lavendardove's post as to where you see this relationship going long-term? How many times have you seen each other in 2.5 years? Maybe this incident is a good time to open the door about the future and his intentions with you. I'm only saying this because many years ago when I was younger and more gullible, I entertained an online relationship for 3 years...3 years. It was a guy in Canada as well and eventually I just got tired of waiting for things to progress to the next level and eventually I left that 'relationship' behind. It was the best decision I could have made with that situation. So, I think this is a good time to figure out where and how you want this to go for you both. And I do think it's unusual that he doesn't have a cellphone and you don't have his house phone number. That's just weird to me. I agree you handled it very well. I would have been a hot mess. So good for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnera Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 It's a feature on Windows 7 I believe, or Vista. Possibly both. You set it and it'll go through folders of photos and display them for a certain amount of time.Yep. That's what mine does. It flips through a bunch of pictures of my daughter and a bunch of pictures of cute animals I've gotten in emails. And I still have pictures of my ex-fiance from 30 years ago (of course, we didn't have computers back then, or he would have been memorialized in my computer), and I don't have a problem with my husband seing them. I like to remember that part of my life. Doesn't mean I would EVER EVER contact him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnera Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 And I do think it's unusual that he doesn't have a cellphone and you don't have his house phone number. That's just weird to me. It sounds to me like he's on a really tight budget - can't even afford to replace an over-heating CPU. I agree, though, that it may be a good time to explore a better, different relationship with him (unless there's a short-term reason for the split). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I am always one for having specifric goals in a LDR and not being in a LDR for too long. But if I remember correctly, you guys had a good reason for being LDR so long, right O? Something about finances? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Hello again. I have to head to work in a bit, but I wanted to check in here first. Thanks for all the responses...where to begin, lol... Well, I know some of you don't like long-term, long distance relationships and that's OK. Everyone is different. We have discussed long- and short-term goals together. Right now, we are trying desperately to save up to see each other, but we are both struggling just to survive, so saving is difficult. Our plan is for him to come here and visit, since he's never been to Oregon, and then at some point begin applying for a K-1 visa for him to move here. Sadly, however, a visit requires a great deal of money that neither of us have, and we have discussed at length whether or not we are both willing to wait...the answer was emphatically yes. We want to be together and both feel that letting go of love just because of money would be a mistake. Regarding my inability to contact him, that's actually a more recent thing. His cell phone died late last year, while we were broken up, and he didn't have the money to get a new one. So he went without for a while, and eventually, found that he didn't really need it, so he hasn't bothered with the expense of getting a new one. The family he lives with, which is his brother and his wife and her family, are very private and don't want him giving the number out which is fine with me because I cannot afford to call Canada, anyhow...that's what Skype is for, lol. However, he's not totally secretive with his contact info because just last week he gave me his new work number for emergencies. So really, that doesn't particularly bother me except in cases like yesterday, where I would LOVE to be able to get ahold of him but can't. So yes, he does "control" the communication, but the alternative is me calling him and "ordering" him online because -I- want to talk and that certainly isn't going to happen, lol... And to go into a bit more detail about his and her past...they had met in the game before he and I had, and began talking via AIM, Myspace, and Skype. She pretty much fell completely in love with him, to the degree that she was willing to leave her husband. Coincidentally, she and I also knew each other in the game, though only in a very cursory way. When he and I met and hit it off so well, she started acting very rude to me. I asked him about it at the time, which was over 2 years ago now, and he told me the situation, that she was crazy about him but for him, it was just a casual flirting thing, and that the strength of her feelings was not mutual. (Just want to note here that yes, he is a HUGE flirt...it comes very naturally, and I've always known that about him. It used to bother me tremendously, but when he came back to me last year after the 6 weeks of NC, I let it go because I accepted that if he didn't want to be with -me-, he wouldn't have asked me to try again.) At the time, I checked out his Myspace page and saw their comments back and forth. It was obvious to me at even then that she did have quite a thing for him but I could tell from his responses that it wasn't returned. So, I really thought very little more about it. He and I were together, and I had no reason at the time to believe he had a thing for her because if he had, he'd have been with her, plain and simple. So, this morning we talked for a little bit, as he wanted to know how I was feeling about the whole thing. I told him the truth, that I wasn't overly happy about it because I didn't understand why he still needed to have a picture of her up. I told him that I really did believe him that they hadn't talked in a long time, I just didn't see why he had her picture on his wallpaper slideshow. He said, and I quote, "You know I like to look at women, M... Yes, I think she's pretty, and that picture is from a very good chat we had that night, which was before I'd met you.. It brings up pleasant memories for me and yes, it gives me an ego boost.. It was never intended to hurt you and I'm truly sorry that it did.. But as I said, I like to look at women and that is never going to change.." I asked him how long ago was the last time they talked, and he said it was before we even broke up last year, which was early August. He said that the last time they chatted, she was in the process of divorcing her husband and moving in with her boyfriend, whom she had met online. He had wished her all the best, and that was that. So...I've decided I won't break up with him over this, because there is nothing else in his behavior that has been any different, unlike last year, in the weeks before he broke up with me. I admit that I was close last night, and had I even remotely sensed that he was lying or that more was going on, I was prepared to do just that, even though it would have broken my heart. But after 2.5 years of talking to him more than some "real life" couples talk on a daily basis, I didn't get the sense at all that he was covering anything up, either last night or this morning...not even a hint. That being said, however, I admit that I'm on "higher alert" now, as it were. But I do know that he loves to look at women, and he's open enough about his feelings to have always admitted that to me. Some guys are just like that, but does it mean they don't love the woman they have chosen to be with? No. And he wants to be with me, everything else he does indicates that clearly. Sigh...sorry for the wall of text again, I'm cursed with 100+ wpm typing speed and an over-active brain, lol...anyhow, I know some of you won't agree with my decision, and that's OK. No relationship is perfect, and as I've mentioned before, the "Breaking Up" forum is 99% "local" relationships, so obviously, that's not necessarily the key to happiness, either. Love comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, and places...in my humble opinion, I would be a fool to dismiss would -could- be the love of my life simlpy because fate chose to put 2,500 miles between us. So, I will continue to be with him and continue working on our goal of being together. I sincerely appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to me, and help me through this. Thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntress0527 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I have been following the thread. Oneironaut, I hope everything works out for you! I know our heart can make our head think crazy things when we feel our relationship is on the line. The only thing that is worrying is where your SO states that he likes to look at women after you mentioned about the girl as his screen wallpaper makes you uncomfortable. Looking at random no name no emotions involved girls is one thing but he knew this girl liked him a lot. She desired him; she lusted for him. She probably hoped that speaking to him would bring up some feelings for her despite her having a boyfriend. It was more than inappropiate. While I don't see this as a make or break situation but his reasoning is not very good as to the why she was up there on his screen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Fiancnes in a LDR are always difficult. Many don't understand how L and I are willing to spend the first year of our marriage apart - simply put, we have to in order for me to move there - legally, anyway. It's very easy to say end an LDR because of time constraints and what not but you have to look at each individual relationship before axing it. Is this couple staying apart because they can't afford the visa right off the back? A lot of people don't realize all the requirments you have to reach in order to even FILE for a visa, let alone be granted it for a fiance or marriage visa - not all of us are lucky enough to automatically meet those requirements and must wait it out to meet them. We are okay with waiting because we know the end result will be we will be with our SO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Hey guys, me again. Just got home from work, where I did a lot of thinking. The main thing I'm seeing here is that his excuse for having her picture up there is a bit on the weak side. In some respects, I actually agree, but at the same time, knowing how much he appreciates the female form, I can understand his reasoning. On that note, I'd like to ask if anyone would like to offer any suggestions as to what else I can do here to make sure I'm getting the truth. In other words, if you were in my shoes and this happened to you, how would you handle it? Please keep in mind that he's done nothing else to make me suspicious, he's always been open in the past about conversing with females and exes, he's always been honest about his flirtatiousness and how he likes to look at women, and other than this, our relationship is quite great...he makes me happier than I've ever been with anyone, and at 43, I've had several serious relationships, including a 15-year marriage. He makes me feel like a giddy teenager again, even after 2.5 years. So, if I can prevail upon your wisdom one more time, how would you guys have reacted to his reason? Would you have dumped him on the spot, would you have pushed for more information, would you have called him a liar? I'm honestly curious, because from my perspective, I'm not exactly sure what else to do here. Thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Knowing me, I probably would have pushed for more information, and I wouldn't exactly have been nice about it. I would have been like "That's BS and you know it. I find this disrespectful and I find your excuse weak and I'm not taking it. We are going to get to the bottom of this, here." Now, I don't know if that's the BEST way to handle it but knowing me, I would have just kept digging. I can't stand being lied to in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 OMG, that is the truth...we thought it would be just a matter of him coming out here, us getting married, then him applying for citizenship. Oh, HELL no, lol... In fact, I found out that would be considered fraud, and he could be banned from ever entering the country again. So yeah, we did the research on getting the K-1 visa, and the requirements are absolutely insane...the documentation needed, the interviews, and the expenses. I heard from a lot of people that just filling out the form almost literally requires a lawyer. Then, even if you manage to fill out the form correctly, provide all the documents needed, go through the interviews...it's still a 7 or 8 month waiting period!! THEN, when he gets here, he still will have to apply for a work visa and citizenship, which will cost upwards of about $2K, if I recall correctly. So yeah...the number of obstacles and the costs seem daunting at times, but we're willing to do what it takes and wait as long as it takes. Where the heck is my winning lotto ticket, anyhow? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I would have pushed. An accident, fine, but why keep her picture if she meant nothing? Idk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 The requirements for L moving here is one of the reasons I'm moving there. Is the K-1 visa fiancé or spouse? I believe with spouse (in the UK at least) you can start work as soon as you land. And with spouse (for UK again, I'm sure we are more strict) they give you an answer within 3 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntress0527 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 If it were me, my response to appreciating the female form would be: Ok, but she likes you she's not some random girl you're gawking at. You know her, she has emotions for you. How do I know you aren't flirting with her knowing she likes you? This is not appropiate and out of respect for me you should not be posting her picture up. This wouldn't make me break up with my SO but I would definitely voice my displeasure and ask how can we ensure this doesn't happen again. I also don't believe in contact with exes unless there is property to settle or children are involved and they have to co-parent. I know alot of people are ok with speaking with exes and their SO keeping in contact with them and that's their opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond78 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well, he seems to be very forthcoming in that he had a clear answer as to why it was there. He didn't make any extravagant excuses nor did he try to blame you for anything. And he was very honest about liking to look at women and saying that will never change. The only thing he stated that I didn't care for was this part He said, and I quote, "You know I like to look at women, M... Yes, I think she's pretty, and that picture is from a very good chat we had that night, which was before I'd met you.. It brings up pleasant memories for me and yes, it gives me an ego boost.. It was never intended to hurt you and I'm truly sorry that it did.. But as I said, I like to look at women and that is never going to change.." I personally had an issue with this, but you have accepted this part of his personality. He has made himself very clear about this and you seem to generally be okay with it. So, I'm not sure what else you need to cover. I mean, you did a great job of asking questions and being very frank about what was bothering you and he seemed to understand. He says he got rid of the picture and he had no intentions of hurting you. From this point, I would take him at his word. And believe me, if he is lying, it will eventually come out. It always does... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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