Am I reading too much into this? (Warning: Long post)

[Smile12]

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah...I just found that out about 2 minutes ago. I went back and looked again, and put it on full screen...I can see her bare shoulder under her hair.

 

Wow...I don't even know what else to say. I don't even know what to feel. I want to scream and cry and pull out my hair and hit him with something heavy and most of all I just want to fall into a heap on the floor.

 

Everything was going wonderful...absolutely wonderful...where did this come from????

 

I thought she could be waering a tank top (because mine can look on webcam sometimes like I"m not waering anything - but from as far as I can tell, she isn't.

 

I"m so sorry O. *HUGS* You need to get to the bottom of this. All of what you are feeling is normal. Let is out. Scream, cry, throw things.

[Oneironaut]

And for the record, no, he has no sisters or anything like that. No...this is definitely someone with whom he has been intimate online, I'm guessing. He pretty much lives online...it's how we met, and it's how he met his girlfriend before me, and the females he hooked up with while we were broken up last year. No, it's pretty obvious that he took this screenshot, most likely recently, probably while talking on Skype. And apparently, he feels enough for her to do the same thing he used to do with me, that is, put it up as his wallpaper.

 

Holey crap, I think my relationship just ended. OMFG, guys...I think it's over. I feel like I've been hit by a truck...but no, to someone who mentioned this, he hasn't been OVERLY generous lately. Honestly, he has not acted ANY different at all. He's been his usual self...sweet most of the time but moody and withdrawn other times. Nothing at all is standing out in my memory as being a red flag...not a g-d THING.

 

How could it be over, just like this? EVERYTHING WAS ****ING FINE JUST THIS G-D MORNING...

 

I wish he'd effing log on so we can get this over with...the not knowing, being in limbo, is the worst part.

 

But right now, I don't see how he's going to talk his way out of this.

 

God, I feel like curling up in a ball and just going into a coma for a while...

[lalalollipops]

P.S. In fact, I just found a text he sent less than 3 weeks ago, at 5 in the morning:

 

"*Crawls into bed beside her and snuggles*"

 

I happened to be awake, and I wrote back and said something like, "*Cuddles against him sleepily*"

 

He wrote back and said, "*Kisses her forehead and strokes her hair* Hello, beautiful, back to sleep with you"

 

That is verbatim. That is NOT the behavior of someone who has lost interest, is falling out of love, and doesn't want to be with me anymore.

 

*Triple headdesk*

 

Yep, there will probably be a few more rants, lol...thank goodness for this board.

 

But don't you see? That doesn't guarantee anything. =( Before I found out about things, my ex was being somewhat clingy and wanted to spend MORE time with me. And told me how much he loved me etc.

This is NOTHING to do with his feelings for you, or lack there of. Some ppl just do it cos they can. Cos they can get away with it. Cos they're insecure and need an ego boost.

 

Gah I don't know why I'm tearing up. Oh great now I'm crying. I know how you feel. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Guess I might be over the ex. But I'm clearly not over what he did to me. I feel for you =( I really do. Betrayal effing hurts.

[Oneironaut]

Thank you, Smile and OG, for the hugs...I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out. I love him so much...I'm 43 years old and I've never felt this way before. I have loved him from the first moment we chatted 2.5 years ago. I have loved everything about him, even his faults. I gave myself to him completely...when we were together, the time I flew to Toronto, he's the only man who has ever made me orgasm...which is a feat, because that's how closed off I am to men. I gave him everything I had...

 

I know no one has an answer, but can someone tell me what is the effing point of cheating long distance????

 

What is the POINT???? If you want to be with her, DUMP ME AND BE WITH HER!

 

What is the point of keeping me around, especially if I'm costing money?

 

Wouldn't it be easier to just dump me, and save the money?

[diamond78]

Yeah...I just found that out about 2 minutes ago. I went back and looked again, and put it on full screen...I can see her bare shoulder under her hair.

 

Wow...I don't even know what else to say. I don't even know what to feel. I want to scream and cry and pull out my hair and hit him with something heavy and most of all I just want to fall into a heap on the floor.

 

Everything was going wonderful...absolutely wonderful...where did this come from????

 

 

Unfortunately, this scenario happens way too often. If you need to scream, let it out...cry, let it out....Don't keep it in. I've been in your shoes. This is not easy to go through. My heart really goes out to you.

[OptomisticGirl]

It always hits you out of no were. My ex never changed how he acted toward me after he cheated on me (twice, 2 years apart). You just can't rely on how he's been acting lately.

[OptomisticGirl]

Those same questions are asked when someone cheats in a normal relationship O. I asked them myself with my ex. Some people just don't see that, they would rather have their cake and eat it to. Being LDR just takes the betrayal to a whole other level...

[lalalollipops]

Some people are so insecure they need emotional validation from several people. Why have one when he can have 3? And it means more with you, cos you love him. =( that would be an extra big ego boost. Be strong, go for a run. Let out your emotions. Go have a shower and cry alittle ok

[diamond78]

I think all of us that has posted in this thread has been cheated on...That's how often this horrible behavior occurs. But you are not alone. We 100% understand every emotion you are feeling right now!

 

And I think being in LDR makes it easier to keep up a double life because you aren't there to see any of his activities. But he got sloppy. They always eventually do.

[Oneironaut]

Thank you guys, again...I will be saying that a lot, because I mean it from the heart.

 

I don't have a lot of friends...very few people I can talk to about this. Coming here means the world to me.

 

And now I"m going to babble, because my head is all over the place...

 

He sent me a necklace a few months ago, it's very beautiful. I just put it in a drawer. I don't even want it near me right now.

 

It's so bizarre...I feel some odd combination of numbness and rage and even terror...life without him? For ****'s sake, after almost 7 months since our reconciliation, I was feeling trusting again. Hell, anyone can look at ANY of my posts on this board, I wasn't saying we were doing great for no reason...I honestly felt it, in my heart.

 

I think you guys are right...he needs validation. It's part of his mental issues...he's always needed a lot of attention, especially from women. We agreed that flirting was OK, for both of us, because I didn't feel threatened by it. I knew he loved ME, otherwise, why would he have come back, you know? That's what I told myself, and honestly, I -was- OK with it. I knew I was the one he loved.

 

Now, I'm starting to get the feeling that he's going to talk his way right out of this...tell me that she's just someone he's been flirting with online, it doesn't mean anything...you guys know the lines...that I'm the one he loves, I'm the one he's helping with bills (and I am 99.9% sure I AM the only female he's ever done that with, he doesn't make enough money to be sending any to women all over the country...to be honest, and to digress for a moment, the first time he offered I was so touched that tears came to my eyes. I know what a complete tight-wad he is, and when we first met, he thought most women were gold-diggers. So for him to actually OFFER it touched my heart in a way that I can't describe...I knew in that moment that he truly loved me.)...

 

And you guys know what is sad? I'm going to fall for it. I know it already.

 

In fact, I can already hear my own justifications in my head...he DOES love me, of that I have no doubt. As I've said multiple times now, he's blunt about his emotions almost to the point of being rude to people. If he doesn't like you, he says so. If he thinks you're an idiot, he'll tell you to your face. So I've no doubt he loves me, or he simply wouldn't be with me.

 

But yes, the validation thing...he needs the attention to feel like a big, important man. He needs to believe that women want him, and guess what? They do. He's intelligent, charming, and handsome. She's obviously looking at him with affection and emotion. She's probably already fallen for him, quite hard.

 

So why do I have the sneaking feeling that I'm going to LET him talk his way out of this...?

[Fudgie]

O, my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry that this happened.

 

I saw the video. That is NOT okay. It's an intimate picture and that's not okay.

 

I don't know what will happen when you talk but please don't let him off for this. I don't care if it meant 'nothing' it's not okay for him to be flirting and webcamming with ladies who are a) lacking a top and b) laying in seductive poses. NOT OKAY and you know this.

 

Don't give him any breaks on this. This is totally disrespectful on his part and he needs to own up if he's going to stay with you. Don't let him worm his way out and chalk it up to nothing because it's NOT.

[OptomisticGirl]

Flirting is a natural thing. Putting a half naked picture of a woman you are flirting with as your DESKTOP background is not okay. F that. If L did this, he would be hitting the road before he could get the sorry explanation out of his mouth. Sure, he may love you and he may only send you money but this is a breach of trust.

[lalalollipops]

Love without mutual respect is no relationship.

[Oneironaut]

Hi, Fudgie. Thank you, I remember feeling quite sad when I read about your relationship ending due to his depression, especially because we were both in age-gap relationships, and because mine also suffers from depression sometimes, severely.

 

Heh, don't know what to call him right now, you know?

 

I guess technically he's still my boyfriend...I haven't dumped him yet.

 

OG, you are absolutely right. I DON'T have a problem with flirting, as long as he isn't giving anyone the impression that he's free and single, you know? But that pic, yeah...that was too much. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that indicate that he has feelings for her...?

 

I mean, it would be one thing if he'd had a picture of her breasts on his screen...he's a guy, he looks at porno, I have no problem with that.

 

But a picture of her face, smiling up at him...doesn't that sort of indicate that there is emotion between the two of them?

 

God, someone please tell me that I'm wrong about this..

[Oneironaut]

Yeah...god, this is breaking my heart...honestly, a picture of boobs on his screen, I could have handled....but this...almost seems to indicate there are feelings between them.

 

OMG, how does life just do this sometimes..just pull the rug out from under your feet...everything was fine 12 hours ago, in fact, we were gaming together 12 hours ago...12 hours later, my world is falling apart, piece by piece.

 

Is it possible to have feelings for two people? If he has feelings for her, how could he still love me?

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sorry but I can' disagree with you O. For me, at least, it would also indicate more than just sexual feelings. Like you said, boobs is one thing. He's a guy, he looks at them! That kind of picture is the kind of picture I would send L - a very private, close picture.

[Lithp]

Giiiiiiiirl, don't you let him get away with that.

 

There is something VERY wrong with this. I know beauty is in the eye, but there is nothing overtly earth-shatteringly striking about her face that he would just have it up there for kicks. Also, unless it's some super model/celebrity/family/what-have-you, it is not ok to have a photo of a woman other than yourself as his desktop. I know maybe everyone's different, but I tend to be selective about what I have as my background, as I work at my computer all day I would like it to be something I enjoy looking at.

 

I don't know, it's just not right and I would seriously let him have it.

 

Ohhh girl, you give 'em hell!

[Fudgie]

You're not wrong about this, O. I'm sorry, but I can't think of anyone who would be okay with bf having that pic, showing that he has been webcamming with topless females in seductive poses. NOT okay. And yes, it looks she's enamored with him.

 

I've come to the conclusion, from my relationship ending, that it's really, really ahrd to have a relationship with someone who has a mental disorder and isn't being treated (or taking the proper steps to follow through with treatment). It was so hard leaving B but I am a LOT happier for it now, I really am. I just can't be with someone who is listless and unhappy and doesn't want to do anything about it. It's just not healthy for you or even the other person. Someone who has these problems can't give you the love and attention that you need in a long-term, healthy relationship.

 

I personally have no issue with guys looking at porno either. Porn is porn. But this is different. It really does sound like cheating.

 

O, please be kind to yourself and do NOT let him sweet-talk you out of this. If he's going to make this right, he needs to realise what he has done wrong and 'fess up to EVERYTHING and make amends with you, long term. If not, it's time to hit the road.

[Cheetarah]

I don't see an issue with random nudie or model shots(of celebrities and such). It's fantasy.

 

But that, is something else. The only single person I'd have plastered up close like that on my desktop is my s/o. Who is to say what feelings are involved where? That's assumptions for now, One. Take it one step at a time, don't disasterize it, you are still without answers(not that I'm suggesting he's got a fantastic explanation, but you know what I'm saying). One thing at a time. For your benefit.

 

What worries me is the fact that you feel he WILL talk circles around you and you'll let it be. I know you went through hell and back before when you first came here. I feel like, One, you are a very accepting and non-judgmental woman. Nearly to a fault, if you know what I mean. Yes, everyone has issues, but... In fact...Article time - link removed

[Oneironaut]

Yeah, you're right, Fudgie...she looks totally smitten. And probably is...he's damn charming like that...DAMN charming.

 

And incredibly handsome...for anyone who cares to look, here's a pic of him:

 

image removed

 

Sigh...thanks again to everyone for your support. I doubt I'm done venting...dunno how I'm even going to sleep tonight. Wish the bastard would log on so we can figure this out, but, he's probably sleeping soundly...no idea of the ****storm that is heading his way, lol...

[OptomisticGirl]

Is there anyway you could email him or something and ask him to come on, that it's an emergency?

[diamond78]

I'm sorry but I can' disagree with you O. For me, at least, it would also indicate more than just sexual feelings. Like you said, boobs is one thing. He's a guy, he looks at them! That kind of picture is the kind of picture I would send L - a very private, close picture.

 

THIS. That's why that picture was so shocking to me. She's literally gazing into someone's eyes and he has it so big as if he could just stare at it all day. There's no way I could let that slide because to want to save a woman's face on your computer where you could see it all day, everyday would tell me there was some type of emotional attachment. I wouldn't be able to erase the image from my head. And what if she thinks she's his only girlfriend too? Ugh.... I just can't.

[Oneironaut]

Thanks, Mintiya, you're right on everything...the only person someone would have up like that is someone they care about, their SO, even. That's what is so troubling here...I'm not sure how he'll talk around that.

 

Yes, I am very non-judgmental...I try to see the best in everyone, I try to give the benefit of the doubt. We're all just people, struggling through this trip called "life" as best we can. And yeah...it was hell when I first came here, that's why I've been so happy for the last 7 months. We finally found our "zone", I thought, and most of the drama and crap was gone, leaving what I thought was just our love, and our pure desire to be together.

 

I'll go read that article now. Thank you.

[Lithp]

He is handsome, has almost the same eyes as my boyfriend. That'll probably make it hard for you. But you have to stay strong! Look at all the support you have!

 

Hey - I live in Toronto, want me to handle this for you?