Oneironaut Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Alright, I need an unbiased perspective, because I think perhaps I am possibly overreacting here. I am in a LDR, and please don't bother with the "find someone local" stuff. It's off-topic, and that's not what I'm asking about. We were together for 1.5 years, then he broke up with me last summer, I believe it was a combination of his medication not working (he is bipolar) and GIGS. We stayed friends for about 5 months, then I went NC around the first of the year. Six weeks later he contacted me, and asked if we could start fresh. We hashed out everything that had gone wrong between us, and agreed to leave the past in the past. So, we got back together on February 20, almost 7 months ago. We've had our ups and downs, of course, but for the most part things have been spectacular. We have been much more communicative than before, although he does have a habit of disappearing for a few days, but he always has. It's part of his mood swings. He always ends up writing and apologizing for "neglecting" me, and all is well after that. He actually rarely does it, so it's not a big issue. About a week and a half ago, he got quite angry at me for something that I said, and didn't speak to me for about 3 days. I was in the wrong, and said so, and apologized. Everything was cool for a couple of days, then he disappeared for almost 4. When he finally wrote me, this past Monday, he said that basically, his job had screwed him out of 11 hours of pay and they were being jerks about it, and he was highly irritable and had stayed away because he simply didn't want to blow up at me. That's fine, I understood...another thing his friends told me is that he DOES get extremely irritable at times, to the degree that a fly landing on his arm can send him into a rant. It's all part and parcel of him, so, I take the good with the bad. So for the last 2 days, things have been fine. He's been a tiny bit distant, but nothing that can't easily be attributed to the stress he's having about his pay. In fact, other than the fight last week and his irritability, things have been utterly fantastic between us for months now. I have been immensely happy, and he's seemed so, too. So today he texts me and asks if I would please get into the online game we play together, so we can do some battles. I say sure, and get on. Everything is fine, he's returning my affectionate emotes and all seems well. I ask if he wants to talk on Skype, but he doesn't answer. I say something again, he says, "We'll see, depends on how my computer goes", meaning his CPU overheats a lot and he doesn't like to put much of a load on it. I say I understand, though I'm disappointed. He also tells me he's streaming our gameplay, which is something he does from time-to-time. No big deal, I'm fine with it. Unfortunately, I had a headache, and decided to go lie down for a bit. When I get back up, he's gone, so I figure his computer had overheated or he lost his connection. So I'm sitting here bored, and decide to watch the stream from the game, to see what all he did after I left. Well, for one, he's talking to someone via Skype or some other voice program. I can't tell who it is, but it's someone in the game we play. I listen to the conversation, it's nothing more than chatting here and there about various jobs and armor. Still...he could talk to them, but not to me...? Then, the bomb hit...I'm watching him switch between windows, and I see his desktop wallpaper. It's a woman. It's mostly dark, and it's obvious it was taken with a webcam or something. She looks about his type, that is to say, similar to me. I only saw her briefly, as he was switching between windows, but still...I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. So I watch the rest of it, and it appears that about 5 hours ago, he decided to take a break from gaming, and told to whomever he was speaking that he'd be back later today. (In fact, for anyone who wants to see, here is the stream: link removed His desktop is shown on Part 2, towards the very end, at 1:57:45.) So now I'm sitting here, feeling really weird...I've no idea what to think. Everything has been fine...we've been talking about how much we can't wait to see each other again, he has told me he loves me out of the blue here and there, he has even said a little phrase we tell each other which is, "So mine!" Nothing at ALL seems out-of-the-ordinary, none of the usual behavior of someone who is distancing themselves because they are interested in someone else. In fact, before he broke up with me last summer, I could tell he was distancing himself by certain things he was doing or saying. NONE of those things have been happening now, and besides, he's not one to hide his feelings...if anything, he's almost TOO direct about them. In any case, I have no choice but to wait until he logs back on...he has no cell phone, and I can't afford to call him at home since he lives in Canada. So, I would like some advice on how to approach this subject...he's not one to like being grilled and given the third degree, which I can understand. It's just so weird because as I said, there are no signs whatsoever that anything has been wrong between us, but, having a woman's picture up as your wallpaper...? What in the hell is that about? Sigh...thoughtful advice and suggestions would be greatly appreciated here. I don't want to do the wrong thing, but, this needs to be answered. Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Oh, and I wanted to add that he has been sending me a little money here and there to help me with gas and bills. He as going to send some last week, but then the issue with his paycheck happened. He apologized, and said he'd send some as soon as he could. I've never asked for it, this was purely voluntary on his part...and hardly the behavior of a man who is cheating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I've never asked for it, this was purely voluntary on his part...and hardly the behavior of a man who is cheating. Not true. Sometimes cheaters will act extra nice or helpful to compensate for what they're doing. Just flat out confront him about it. If it's not a relative, dump him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Not true. Sometimes cheaters will act extra nice or helpful to compensate for what they're doing. Just flat out confront him about it. If it's not a relative, dump him. Hmm...well, that is certainly possible, but not really his style. In fact, we joke about the fact that he's such an ****hole, lol...not really, but he can be kind of a jerk when he wants to be, and frankly, I was shocked the first time he offered to send me money. I know for a fact he's never been one to give money to girlfriends, he's VERY stingy. As for confronting him, yes, I do need to ask him about it, I'm just looking for suggestions on how to go about it without being confrontational, which will not work with him. Thank you for the post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnera Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 IDK, best not to grill him. Better to approach it with humor so he doesn't feel attacked, feels safe to tell you who it is? "Is that your other girlfriend? I think I'm cuter." Something like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smile12 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Omg!! I just watched the stream and saw the picture of the girl on his desktop... no no no! That is definitely not right. He has a lot of explaining to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyNinja Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Oh wow, that is weird!! It appears she's laying accross the bed and it seems that picture was taken carefully. I would want answers too. That picture seems very "intimate". That deserves explanation, in my opinion. Do you think he will blow up at you if you ask about the desktop picture considering that he is bipolar? I really think you should ask about it in a non-accusing, non-dramatic way and see how he responds. Im so sorry about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smile12 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 PS. I would just simply be honest and say, "by the way, who is the girl on your desktop?" I mean, you are his girlfriend. You have the right to ask him - IMO. Also, just a little side note... that girl is not cute at all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Omg she's not exactly cute is she? On a less beechy note haha. My stomach turned reading this. God ever since being betrayed, I seem to be very sensitive to stories like this, and stories involving cheating. It makes me think back to everything I went through =( Yeah, you REALLY need to ask him about it. Don't sound accusing, just casual you know? Unless it's his uh sister.. Then yeah... This is really sus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Ok, that's weird(random: what server do you guys play on?). I would feel very strange about it. I mean, it's not exactly a 'sisterly' pic, lol. Like someone said, it's an intimate looking close-up type. It's clearly an amateur photo and not some model shot. I don't know how else you could go about it other than "So, whose the chick on your desktop? " If it's not safe to ask him that without a blowout or argument, that would be way too much walking on eggshells(for me). I suppose you could make light/joke about it, like someone said "Is that your other girlfriend? I'm way cuter." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadchick83 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Hey One, How are you? Long time no speak. I tried to watch the video, but couldn't see anything at the 1:55 part 2 part of this. Anyway, Just thought I'd mention, I don't think his bi polarness and this incident have anything to do with each other. It's nice that he is helping yu with the bills and personally I don't think this guy would be supporting you and cheating from what I know of your history together. Yes, I can see why he would be pi$$ed off about his employer not paying him. Who's employer ISN'T screwing them these days??? I can't see the video, and I have never really had an LDR or a relationship that started on a gaming site. Everyone is paranoid about cheating, but I would wait for an explanation before doing anything major. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond78 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 OMG....I'm sorry, but I can't even downplay this one!! Do you know who she looks like??? Like his girlfriend!! When I saw that picture I literally sat up from the couch and gasped out loud with my jaw hanging down to the floor!! That was a big freakin picture and he must really like her to look at that up-close and personal face all day like that!! And I must be the only crazy heffa on this forum because if I had seen something like that on my guy's dektop I would go OFF and he would just have to do the best job of convincing me it wasn't what I think it was!!! He can catch an attitude all he wants, but he would have a ton of explaining to do! I'm sorry...I just saw it and so my reaction is on high right now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Wow... yeah, there is no denying that is a woman. I would bluntly ask him O. Be like 'I was watching your stream to see what you did after I left and I saw something that kind of had me wondering. Who is the woman on your desktop?' The other matter of Skype, yes, would hurt me as well. I would def bring that up with him too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond78 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Maybe you should take a screencap of the image and send it to him saying "Can you please explain this??" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 ^ I'd just ask him straight out without the screen cap. He is most likely to turn it around and guilt trip her and say 'why were you looking, don't you trust me? Wow.' And then she'll feel bad and silly. I'd just ask him and however he responds, respond in a calm manner. And tell him you saw the girl and you can even screen cap it if it's necessary. -_- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 ^ I agree. That can be seen as very confrontational and she doesn't want to anger him to the point he doesn't give her answers and goes off for a few days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Oh OP, whatever happens, remember... Look out for yourself first. Respect yourself and if it turns out that he is doing what he seems to be (=/) then you must break up with him and don't condone this. I've learnt alot from everything that's happened. I know it's hard when you're in the situation bc emotions are part of the whole deal and you can't simply just cut those emotions off, but don't give him any chances like I did. Too many chances in fact. Only ended up with more disappointment. And more pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Hey One, How are you? Long time no speak. I tried to watch the video, but couldn't see anything at the 1:55 part 2 part of this. Anyway, Just thought I'd mention, I don't think his bi polarness and this incident have anything to do with each other. It's nice that he is helping yu with the bills and personally I don't think this guy would be supporting you and cheating from what I know of your history together. Yes, I can see why he would be pi$$ed off about his employer not paying him. Who's employer ISN'T screwing them these days??? I can't see the video, and I have never really had an LDR or a relationship that started on a gaming site. Everyone is paranoid about cheating, but I would wait for an explanation before doing anything major. It's 57 not 55 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Hey everyone. Went out for a long walk to look at the ocean, cry and scream and rage, and talked to a friend for a bit. He knows our history, and he can't understand this, either. Thanks to everyone who commented and looked at the video...and thank you for your support. Yeah, now you guys know why I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. He used to do that with screenshots of me, put them on his desktop. I've calmed down, but I've got that horrible pain in my heart, you know? The problem is, it just doesn't make any SENSE. NOTHING has been wrong lately. In fact, EVERYTHING has been great, other than our fight last week, which was the first one in two months. Who the hell doesn't fight? Everyone does. Then we made up, and all was well. I've been cheated on before, I've been dumped before, and in this case NONE of the signs were there. Hell, just last week in the game we were playing together, my character ran past his and I didn't see him standing there, until I saw the "smile" emote, and he wrote and said, "I love you, you are so mine." A couple of weeks ago on Skype everything was wonderful, we had a fantastic conversation. He told me that he loved me, and couldn't wait until we could be together again. At one point he asked me to just look into the camera, and he said how beautiful I was. As I said before, he's not one to pretend ANYTHING, he's almost blunt to a fault...so I have no doubt he meant those things. Last year, just before we broke up, it was obvious his feelings were shifting. I'd say, "So mine", and he'd not say anything back. I'd talk about wanting to meet, and he'd just say, Hm, and nothing back. That **** hasn't been happening at ALL. In fact, I went back over the last month of AIM conversations and texts...NOTHING out of the ordinary. He was initiating tons of conversations, and being perfectly sweet and mushy. And let's not forget, HE is the one who came back to ME and asked to start over. I'd been NC for about 6 weeks at that point, and was genuinely starting to move on. Now it's been almost 7 months, and everything has been great. What is the point of cheating on someone long distance, anyhow??? If he wants to be with her, then just ****ing DUMP me, and be with her. What in the HELL is the point of sending me money, talking about being together, and saying how much he loves me? I've never asked for any of that...I never ASKED him for money, I don't sit around and say, "Don't you love me, don't you want to see me again?" No, HE says that stuff out of the blue. What is the m-fing POINT???? OK, sorry, had to rant. Anyhow, it's been about 7 hours now since he logged off, and we were both off work today and were supposed to "spend" the day together online. Now it's almost 11 p.m. his time, and he's still not on. Not that this is atypical...he often falls asleep in front of his TV, and doesn't wake up for 7 or 8 hours. So, now, the question running around my head is how to deal with this. I think you guys are all spot on about confronting him point-blank. Any minute now, or maybe not, that AIM window is going to pop up and he's going to say something like, "Hello, sexy", which he did just a few days ago. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, um, W T F are you doing with a picture of another woman, OBVIOUSLY taken via webcam, on your effing DESKTOP, ***hole?" But, I won't. I'm actually thinking of sweetly asking him if we can talk on Skype real quick. Chances are pretty good he'll say yes...the reason is that I want to HEAR his reaction. I want to SEE his face. I don't want to do it via instant message, because I don't want him to have time to make something up, or measure his reaction. I want the naked truth, so to speak, and I want to see and hear him. So then, when we're on Skype, right away I say very casually and lightly, "Oh, by the way, I watched the rest of your game stream to see what all you did after I left...kinda curious, who is the woman on your desktop?" Just ask it outright, like that. However, if he won't talk on Skype, I'm still going to ask, pretty much exactly the same way. God, I feel like crap...I mean, something like this is NEVER easy, but in many, many cases there are signs, even though people don't want to see them. To have something like this hit completely out of nowhere is even worse...much worse. Thanks again to everyone for posting, it was nice to come home and see such support. I'll keep you all posted, and probably rant a few more times, lol... *Hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 P.S. In fact, I just found a text he sent less than 3 weeks ago, at 5 in the morning: "*Crawls into bed beside her and snuggles*" I happened to be awake, and I wrote back and said something like, "*Cuddles against him sleepily*" He wrote back and said, "*Kisses her forehead and strokes her hair* Hello, beautiful, back to sleep with you" That is verbatim. That is NOT the behavior of someone who has lost interest, is falling out of love, and doesn't want to be with me anymore. *Triple headdesk* Yep, there will probably be a few more rants, lol...thank goodness for this board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond78 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 ^ I'd just ask him straight out without the screen cap. He is most likely to turn it around and guilt trip her and say 'why were you looking, don't you trust me? Wow.' And then she'll feel bad and silly. I'd just ask him and however he responds, respond in a calm manner. And tell him you saw the girl and you can even screen cap it if it's necessary. -_- If he says something like that, then I wouldn't be able to listen to another word. She was looking at him playing a video game and was not expecting to see what she saw. Nobody would expect that. She should no way feel bad or silly for asking about this and I would have no bones about being confrontational. I would never be afraid to speak up about something of this nature. And if he were to respond by getting angry and not speaking to me, then that would tell me alot about the situation at hand. A person should never be afraid to have a voice and ask the question of "What is going on here??" This is not my relationship, but boy, I am feeling some emotions for you Oneironaut. Whatever you do, just be firm, strong, and very clear about your emotions and what you're feeling right now. I know your head is probably going crazy right now, just try to relax until you do talk to him. I hope you are okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I would def ask to talk on Skype because as you said, email gives him time to think of his reply. There is just no explanation at all. If it were a celebrity, eh, I guess I may understand but this does not look like anyone I know, and she is clearly not wearing a top! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lithp Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I feel awful for you right now. I honestly thought maybe it was a sexy photo of a woman that could be found anywhere on the internet when you said it was his desktop background, but after watching the video that really looks like a picture from a personal stash. Do you know if he has any siblings? Though that pose is a slightly more provocative one than I would choose if I were picking a picture of a family member to use as wallpaper... Your best bet is to just ask him. Chances are you'll know if he's lying, and I'm sorry to say I think your gut is probably right. For me, the fact that he's being so overly generous would be a sign too - he's acting out of character and being 'weird' lately, and trying to make up for it by doing nice things. Hope it works out for you though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond78 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I would def ask to talk on Skype because as you said, email gives him time to think of his reply. There is just no explanation at all. If it were a celebrity, eh, I guess I may understand but this does not look like anyone I know, and she is clearly not wearing a top! I didn't even notice the "not wearing a top" part....aye ya ya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 I would def ask to talk on Skype because as you said, email gives him time to think of his reply. There is just no explanation at all. If it were a celebrity, eh, I guess I may understand but this does not look like anyone I know, and she is clearly not wearing a top! Yeah...I just found that out about 2 minutes ago. I went back and looked again, and put it on full screen...I can see her bare shoulder under her hair. Wow...I don't even know what else to say. I don't even know what to feel. I want to scream and cry and pull out my hair and hit him with something heavy and most of all I just want to fall into a heap on the floor. Everything was going wonderful...absolutely wonderful...where did this come from???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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