We seemed to have gotten into a rut...

[jpeter84]

Quick background story first!

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to 10 months now. We met in college, both freshman, and we became very good friends. Very similar majors, a lot of the same friends. It was the kind of thing where we'd get crap from our friends (in good humor) about how we fight and flirt like some married couple. I was dating a guy at the time (only for a couple months) who as in basic training--it wasn't a very good relationship. First guy I slept with (and I really regret it) and he was just a pig, jerk, and he pressured me into doing things I wasn't comfortable with, and he did not respect me or my family.

 

My current boyfriend was dating a girl, and they'd been in a relationship for 2 years, since high school. They were also going downhill, I've only met her a couple of times, but he's told me of her selfishness, immaturity, and mental health issues (depression, something along those lines). She did not treat him very well to make things short.

 

We decided one night, about 3 months into school that we wanted to start dating. We broke up with our exes the next day or two.

 

We kept our relationship low-key for about a month before we made it "public." No one was really surprised and everyone was pretty enthused about it if that says anything.

 

We met each others' families, everyone loves everyone--everything is absolutely perfect. (And extended families--I talk to them often). Other than my mother seems to push her failed marriage issues onto me and she compares my boyfriend to my dad (whom I try to avoid contact with), which is completely unfair to us. They are absolutely nothing alike, and at times it infuriates me even though she means well.

 

My boyfriend (Sam)'s father is bipolar, but a very very wonderful person. His mother is quite negative at times and tends to put Sam down a lot. Doesn't really do much when she doesn't work in the summer (she's a teacher), I've been over to their house quite a few times and she just sits on her facebook day in and day out. Literally. She does not move at all.

 

Anyway! December rolls around and I have roommate issues, and we decide that I'm going to move into his dorm (he had a roommate too, who moved, then our friend moved in with him. He then started dating another friend of ours and we decided that the couples would live together). It's all fine and dandy up until February, then we begin to run into conflict. It's manageable, and it only happens occassionally, and we blame it on living together in a small space.

 

It progressively worsens, and it happens more frequently. It gets really bad to the point where I'm up most nights upset to some degree, and once we got in a fight while he was in the room and I was in class away and he tried to cut himself while I was gone. That was horrible and terrifying... He promised it would never happen again (it hasn't, and hasn't gotten even that remotely close either very thankfully). We figure that perhaps it's because he may be bipolar also--he seems to have his manic and depressive stages. He was really down in the dumps for over a week.

 

School's done, and summer is hell. We live two hours apart, he works, and I have no car. My parents and younger brother have full-time jobs (this was my first summer not having a job), so I am home nearly day in and day out watching my 8year-old brother. I hardly ever left the house except on the occasion that Sam would come over and stay a weekend or I would go to his house. Whenever that happened it was so much fun. There was occassional conflict but it was never anything horrible.

 

Throughout the summer though, we had issues with phone calls. I looked forward everyday to him calling me in the evening and often he would be distracted or tired or something. I would just frustrated and wonder why he even called me in the first place. This of course turned into fighting. But we always in every conflict somehow would resolve it and everything would be ok. We are determined to never leave a fight without first fixing it.

 

I always tell him, no matter how mad I get at you, you always make things better. And that is the honest truth.

 

School rolls by again.. He moves into the dorms about 2 weeks before I do because he has r.a. training. There's some fighting, but not very much. At this point he's made more friends--people I don't know--and it's really uncomfortable for me because whenever we're out somewhere, everyone's greeting him it feels like and it's so awkward for me. To put it honestly, it makes me want to leave and hide somewhere. I'm mildly socially awkward and kind of a shy person. He's quite outgoing, a very good actor, and people are drawn to him. I'm more timid and I find myself envious of his outgoingness and that the fact that people are more drawn to him than me. But mostly it's just a really uncomfortable situation for me. In all honesty though, I have absolutely no problem with him being with other people or anything. I feel like it's a bit of an adjustment from last year being together, having the same friends all the time, and having the same classes together nearly all the time.

 

Here's the rut we're in: the past week we've been fighting daily (since classes started yesterday though everything has been fine, we've not fought at all), often multiple times a day. He's no longer intimate the way we used to be and for me it's quite frustrating. I understand that he's busier and is tired often, but there are times where I just want to explode... He's told me that he's had problems like this in the past with past girlfriends--he just turns sour in their relationships. Whenever I'm over visiting him, I feel like that he blows me off a lot. I wonder sometimes why I came to visit in the first place. I feel like often he's no longer interested in me or something. And with us living (both in single rooms) 20+ blocks away from each other on opposite ends of campus, I feel like there's this seperation between us. We also have none, except one class together that meets once a week. He has a very busy schedule now, which I understand the commitments he's made and it's completely ok and understandable. Being an r.a. is a huge time commitment.

 

We've slotted out times to meet each other for meals around our schedules, which works fantastically.

 

I am just looking for advice as to how to help fix things, and I'm wondering why he has problems with relationships turning sour. The latter worries me most... I've thought of this thoroughly and I know what behaviors I need to change, but I want to help him find out what's going on with him because he has no idea why this happens with him.

 

Also, I didn't mention this, but this is very much a serious relationship and we've spent *A LOT* of time talking about getting married, looking at rings, every little detail. We enjoy driving around and looking at houses, looking at houses online, and talking about where we want to live someday (Iowa! Haha We both honestly believe that we are meant to be together and we want to work this out very much. We absolutely need to figure this out. I think that seeking outside advice would help. And I'll probably print my post out afterward to show and talk to a close common friend or ours or two.

 

We figure that being apart and things will help out, having a little time apart and stuff, and so far the past couple days it has, so it's looking a little better.

 

 

 

 

ANYWAY! I'm done now! I'm wondering 1. how can we fix this and 2. why would his relationships turn sour do you think?

 

I'm *really* sorry for the incredibly long post, but I feel that these things are important to mention.

 

Thank you!

[jpeter84]

This wasn't so quick..... I'm really sorry about the long post.

[jpeter84]

I also want to add......We are really open to each other and we are extremely good at communicating. We tell each other *everything.* And he is the first guy I've been with with whom I've been 100% comfortable with. Absolutely! It's like I've known him all my life or something...

[nuttybuddy]

if he's so open and honest, have u thought about raising your questions to him?

[Lithp]

I'm sorry to sound ignorant but I really don't see an issue If you guys are so in love, the odd fight is normal and the fact that you guys work it out so well is a testament to how much you guys are willing to make it in the relationship. You didn't really specify the cause of your fights so I'm assuming it's nothing serious like lying or cheating... but as far as that goes, as long as you guys are willing to bring up your issues and work through them, you're better off than most couples I know.

 

As for him turning sour in relationships, is it possible he has issues with commitment? Even though he talks about marriage and being together forever, the fact that he does this in every relationship is kind of odd to me. If he's busy with school, it could be just that - college can take up a lot of people's time and energy and add a lot of stress, so I'm thinking only time will tell in your case, since it's something he can't really put his finger on either. Have you asked him what he thought it might be? Sitting down and trying to figure it out might get you somewhere with him, but you might have to ride it out until you guys are done with your education.

 

I think you guys made a good choice by giving each other some space. That's an important thing that a lot of couples forget, and usually it makes it all that much better when you do get together again - you appreciate each other's company more.

[jpeter84]

We've talked about this a lot... The problem is that we were concerned that we had been fighting so much, and it's been becoming worse and it's becoming more regular.. I don't know, it bothers me that we've been fighting so regularly, and nearly all the time it's small, unimportant things (I think...?) and we just blow up. The last couple times it was really bad. I don't know, it bothers me a lot because I worry that I may do or say something without thinking, or that he may, and it might just be the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

 

And all this fighting just sucks.

 

As for him turning sour... He doesn't really know why he does that. I wish I could help him figure it out or something, but all I can really do is be there for him to have someone to talk to. Which is great all in itself.

[Lithp]

My boyfriend and I go at it like that fairly frequently as well - something that could use a bit of work I suppose, because he is more sensitive to negativity. I tend to brush it off and even joke about our arguments, but he struggles with depression and sometimes it really gets to him, and the fact that it doesn't bother me as much just makes it worse. I find that giving each other space really does help, though. I don't mean the no contact that everyone around here talks about, but just focus on yourselves for a few days every now and again. I'm really into meditation and it's not unlike me to shut off my phone for a few days and go inwards to do a bit of soul-searching - I don't really talk to anyone and just spend a lot of time meditating and reflecting. I come out of it with a better perspective on things and this go-round, our relationship really benefits from it.

 

Maybe when you're starting to feel tensions rise you could give it a go. Don't let it get to the point where you feel you're going to blow - excuse yourself and calm down so you can work through the issue without saying things you'll regret. I think arguing is healthy as long as you're being respectful, so maybe I'm a little warped, haha. I really think you guys will be fine though, you seem to be in a good spot