Topics you don't like to talk or hear about

[BritterSweet]

Is this the right place to post a thread like this? I mean, it's about conversations and it includes asking for tips, but it's not necessarily limited to dating...

 

Where would you draw the line between Person A being oversensitive, and Person B being insensitive?

 

I love having insightful conversations with people. I'm taking an Ethics class as an elective this semester and really enjoying the discussions. It's so interesting to explore controversies, dilemmas and ideas, and bring up thought-provoking questions. However, there are some subjects I'd much rather avoid because they're too upsetting, depressing, or angering.

 

An example of a topic that sets off the warning bells in my head is the US healthcare debate. Healthcare is important to me, but nothing good ever seems to come out of talking with others about that or just hearing other people's conversations about it because of how one-sided it usually is. It just derails into rants/lectures about how the American system sucks and the other countries' systems are so much better. It's especially hurtful when it comes from some non-Americans (and that's the most specific I'm going to get here) because it tends to include "You" and "Your." In this particular case, it's not a discussion; it's a punishment.

 

Can anyone else relate to this? Do you get frustrated when you don't want to be teased or reminded about something because it hurts you? And then the other person tells you something like, "lighten up," "get a sense of humor," or, "you're too sensitive?" Especially if you know that if you were to criticize anything on their side, they wouldn't tolerate it like you're expected to?

 

For that matter, how can you politely ask someone not to talk about something without coming accross as oversensitive? And is there a good retort to use against the people who tell you to "lighten up?"

[Fudgie]

I am fine with discussing any topic as long as the person can articulate things clearly and respectfully. It sounds like you would not have an issue discussing healthcare but you've had the misfortune of discussing it with idiots. So it's not the topic (healthcare) that bothers you, it's how stupid and immature people can be when it comes to expressing themselves.

 

I like discussions. I don't mind talking about taboo or really gross/controversial subjects. It's fun to theorise and get new perspectives.

[BritterSweet]

I like discussions. I don't mind talking about taboo or really gross/controversial subjects. It's fun to theorise and get new perspectives.

 

Same here. I even had a conversation via PMs with another ENA member discussing genital piercings with no problem!

 

Definitely true that the quality of your conversation depends on who you're having it with.

 

Have you ever experienced this?: Someone says something that you inwardly agree with, but you can't bring yourself to say it because of how arrogant the person is being.

[Fudgie]

Oh gosh yes. >

[annie24]

As a former graduate student, the question that annoyed me the most was "when are you going to graduate?" I got that from all sorts of people - family, friends, other students. It's annoying because graduate school, unlike undergrad, doesn't have a set time period. and a lot of things can influence the timing - things that are with and out of your control. professors leaving on sabbatical, experiments not working, bureaucratic nightmares, having problems with your advisor, etc.... and these aren't easy things to talk about, especially when that person is looking for a 'simple' answer like May 2013. some people are trying to be nice and make friendly conversation, some people are being pests.

[annie24]

On ENA, the worst topics for me are the "Could I be pregnant?" threads - they tell you when they had sex, whether or not they used a condom, and then list some vague symptoms and ask if they could be pregnant. Why ask a bunch of random internet strangers when you can go to the drug store, get the kit and find out right now for sure?! It's very very strange to me. It's like they are looking to be reassured, not answers.

[Oneironaut]

There are two subjects which are best left alone, except for one's SO: Politics, and religion.

 

Families have broken up over these issues, people have been fired from their jobs, and friendships have ended.

 

Over the years, I've learned to pick my battles. For example, just the other day, a co-worker made a derogatory statement about President Obama. I voted for him and will do so again, but I let it slide. I'd rather she had not said it, but instead of getting into a debate, I've learned that it's best to just let these things go, because people get highly and extremely sensitive about these two topics, and the ensuing heated discussion just isn't worth the trouble.

 

That's what forums are for.

[Fudgie]

Yeah in terms of politics/religion, I would NEVER bring that up at work. Say the wrong thing and you could get fired.

 

I don't have an issue with bringing it up with friends though. If they want to say stupid things or end our friendship over what I say, then that's their choice. For the most part, I haven't had a problem. Most can articulate themselves well and those who can't? We don't end up staying friends.

 

At work, you should keep your conversations strictly about subjects that are as non-offensive as possible...the weather, hobbies, mundane stuff, small benign details of your family. You shouldn't talk about your kids or relationship in detail that could be taken the wrong way, or go into politics/religion.

[BritterSweet]

I would sometimes joke by saying, "There are three things you never, ever bring up: politics, religion and [fill in the blank]." It's usually something silly like "Bob's hair."

 

There's also the "You're overreacting" thing. I must admit, I've been on both the giving and receiving ends of this sort of remark before. In my opinion, we try to be reasonable, but nobody is completely immune to bias. What about you?

[sophie274]

There are certain topics I don't like to talk about. Tactics to avoid said topics:

- ask people not to bring it up (I think this only works if it's about someone ill in your family, your unemployment, things like that, where people will actually be sensitive and understanding)

- make a lighthearted joke when it comes up and then change the subject. Ex, in the healthcare example, if someone not from the US is ragging on healthcare, I'd probably say something about how it doesn't matter to me how bad the system is because I plan to die an early death from hamburger and french-fry overdose, and then move on a different subject like "So, John, how is work going?"

- make some sort of benign conciliatory remark and then move on, for example: "mmm, yes, there are definitely ways in which the US could improve its healthcare system" or "you make some good points, let's agree to disagree" and then change the subject.

 

I find generally it's best to diffuse and move on. If people are being insensitive or overly aggressive, it's almost always difficult to get them to see that. Being told to lighten up really grinds my gears (along with someone saying to me "easy" if I get worked up over something - to me that's what you say to a dog or a horse, not a human being!), best case scenario for me is I either ignore it or I smile and say I'm feeling perfectly light, thanks. Honestly, I really dislike discussing politics with people even though I am supremely interested in politics - it almost invariably ends badly, people gets worked up and feel resentful and confrontational even after the discussion has ended, and there's rarely a meeting of the minds or intellectual growth. In the classroom contexts I've found those types of discussions to be really interesting and meaningful, but around the table I've rarely seen good results. (Unless everyone agrees, LOL, in which case it all goes fabulously well! Lots of pats on the back and positive reinforcement).

[ApocalypseDreams]

I have to admit I do enjoy talking and debating about politics, religion and world affairs but I try and keep that amongst people who share the same interest. I do struggle sometimes with people who parrot or spread misinformation for malicious purposes. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing sometimes. I mean, if I know something is not factually true am I being insensitive by speaking up and correcting it? Am I oversensitive because I feel obligated to correct it? Or am I doing some good by challenging it?

 

For example, one time at my old job I walked into the tea room and the conversation was blatantly racist. The whole room were saying that one group of people where less intelligent, less developed and not as advanced. Apart from being disgusting racist, it is also totally inappropriate to be discussed in a workplace that claims to be "an equal opportunity employer". I walked out of the room after listening to it for 2 minutes because, had I spoken out, I'd be accused of being oversensitive or naive or any other word used to disarm or trivialise someone's point.

[FathomFear]

I have a double major in English and Philosophy. I would recommend taking a formal course on Logic or Rhethoric if one happens to be available at your school. Once you get an appreciation of the art of discussion and how people plead to emotions, authority, public opinion, etc, you'll start to feel less frustrated in the situations you mention as you'll start to see through it. Personally, I never find myself avoiding any topic for this reason. It's all about expectations. I never expect for a discussion to have a "resolution" or for people to agree with each other and say "I give up! You're right!" If you don't have these as expectations you'll also find it less frustrating as well, as you'll be more inclined to enjoy the discussion for discussion sake vs. stressing out over what the outcome will or won't be.

[twentiesgirl86]

Dating history since I've never been in a relationship, or sex. It's something I hate talking about with people because then I get weird looks about never having been in a relationship, and no one knows I am a virgin. It's awkward though when people ask about my worse sexual experience or something like that, because I've never had sex. I feel like the guy from 40 year old virgin sometimes. Religion as well. I don't mind discussing it with people, but it's peoples reactions when I tell them that I'm an athiest that bother me. I honestly feel that it's awesome people believe in God, and I even envy them that they have that faith. I have never once pushed my beliefs on people, and I never will. Yet when people find out that I don't believe in God, they get offended and angry with me for it as if I have rubbed my beliefs in their face. I don't get angry or offended when people tell me they believe in God, so I don't see why it should be vice versa. I could understand if I was actually rubbing it in their faces, but I don't.

[Stay_home]

I remember an ex girlfriend I used to date her brother asked me about my religious preferences. I hate when people ask that.

[blueidealist24]

I don't like to talk about sex early on. Well, the general topic of sex is ok, but I like to keep sex personally related to ME as a topic to be discussed at least later than the first couple of dates (and definitely not BEFORE the first date!) I don't plan on sleeping with someone in the first couple of dates, and from personal experience an early sex talk always makes things awkward, so I like to avoid it if it's early days.