I finally broke NC and feel confused

[LP90]

So its been a long journey to say the least. As a short summary, we were together with my first love and first everything for 2 years. Turned out she was lying to me day and night and even cheated on me the last few months of our relationship. She begged for forgiveness and got it from me in my hopes we would still be together but she decided to move on anyway just a few days later. So we officially broke up on our anniversary june 10th over the phone. Since that day we have remained full NC. Well rather i have, she texted me several times saying it was a huge mistake, she needs me, wants me, etc etc. I never replied once to her until this past saturday night. She texted me yet again and for some reason i felt at peace enough to reply to her saying she wanted to move on she got it, she got a new bf, so why is she still texting me? She replied back that she never got over me and it was all a front to her friends and family trying to act like its all good but she couldnt stop thinking about me, crying, not eating, etc. So again, for some odd reason i felt like i wanted to get some things off my chest as well and show her i moved on so i agreed to meeting her like shes been asking all summer. So after school we meet up at the place we shared our first kiss of all places to see and hear each other for the first time in almost 3 months. It was both weird and nice at the same time. We sat down and started off with small talk about whats been going on in each others lives and so on and so forth. I made it very clear to her that i moved on and had a blast being single and going out and having fun. Even though after 2-3 months i obviously still hurt inside quite a bit.

 

So we got to talking about one thing after another and i asked about her family friend who has a boy around 2 years old who was very fond of me. When i brought him up she broke into tears because he kept asking where i was and she knew what she did was a huge mistake. I told her i realized how long she was lying to me and how much, that i never replied to her because i knew it was BS and felt no need or desire to reply. So again, long story short, she broke down in tears and told me everything that really happened, everything she did, everything people were telling me they saw and heard and so on. She seemed so genuinely honest for the first time in 6 months that i started to feel sad/ bad again. It was clear she realized she made a mistake and wanted nothing more than to have me back. Turned out she even came to my work a few times in hopes of just seeing me, but i wasn't there. She visited my parents to find out how i was doing, tried contacting my brother, and so on. I even noticed she was still wearing a few of the gifts i got her for anniversary, new years, etc. While i was there with her, i didnt have any real feelings for her anymore, but once we parted ways and i got home, ive been feeling like maybe i made a mistake and cant shake the feeling. Just been feeling like we broke up all over again.

 

 

To some degree, seeing her after all this time and finding out she wasnt dating this guy after all and that the only thing that ever really happened was they kissed here and there but nothing more. She spent most of her summer with her girlfriends and kept insisting i call them to confirm and she'll call the guy on the spot and tell him never to talk to her again just to be with me. I told her none of that was necessary and for her to do whatever she wants in life and not worry about pleasing me or trying to be with me now as its too late and i have moved on. From the moment we broke up i told myself i will never talk to her or be friends or in a relationship again, but after today, even though i still told her no, i feel like i really miss her. She seems to have changed, became more independent, more mature and so on, things she was lacking before. But at the same time, i keep telling myself she is just lying to me and herself again to get back with me and i cant trust her anymore, or rather, im just way too scared of trusting her, my heart was shattered and i cant go through that again.

 

Some people really do take losing a real love before they realize it and change, and i want to believe that because what we had was amazing and we both know it. But she put me through so much i cant even begin to think about it again. Just the thought of telling any of my friends or family that im talking to her again or even thinking of being back together is embarrassing because of what she put me through. I would look like a complete moron to say the least. Im feeling really confused right now and a bit overwhelmed by the emotions. It was neither good nor bad, but i still feel like crap because of it. What we shared between eachother, our families, etc was honestly what i wanted but feel like there is too much bad history between us for me to ever trust her and let it fully go. It just wont be the same, or so i keep telling myself. She was extremely upset and cried for a while when i told her i dont want to be with her because i just cant trust her nor the feelings are there, after she broke down and confessed her love to me. Life and love is about forgiveness and working on it, but im only 21 and i dont know that i should be devoting so much time and effort into this relationship ever again even though deep inside i wish it would all go back to the old times. She claims not only can it, but she will make it happen, but again, i just cant take that as the truth anymore. Any advice and opinions would be appreciated.

[schultz]

i've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years, it's been over a year since she'd cheated on me and it still hurts all the time, i'm still building the trust back, but I love this girl and feel as though it's worth it (im 23 and have alot going on in my life and know I should be more focused on these things and less on her).

 

When I found out she'd cheated on me, I told myself that was it and i'd never talk to her again, but I gave her a chance to clarify things and she did just what yours did, she cried, she showed me how much I really mean to her, she told me she could never hurt me like that again and she told me things would be diff

erent. After that talk and a few weeks to settle and guilt tripping her to keep her feeling guilty for what she did, it was like starting a new relationship and she did exactly what she said she'd do. She guilt tripped herself more than I guilt tripped her.

 

I'm not saying your ex will do the same, but if she seemed as sincere as my girlfriend did then it's because she actually feels that way. My girlfriend broke into tears for months following because she couldn't live with herself for what she did to me, it still hurts her just as much as it hurts me, and to me that's enough to move on and keep at it. You'll never forget what happened and it'll bother you for who knows how long, but you can get past it in time.

 

If you think she's worth it and are truly convinced she's changed, then give it another shot. My friends and family thought I was an idiot for taking my girlfriend back but they got over it.

 

Just don't make it easy for her, let her know she has a lot to prove and make sure she proves it.

[hausser]

Well dude you obviously love the girl. When was this meeting?

 

Have you heard anything else? Did she implicitly tell you she wanted to recon or just say she missed you and be friends etc?

 

Relationships can work if one partner has cheated, as poster above has said. I suppose the trick is to then avoid going down the route that led to the BU in the first place.

[LP90]

This happened today afternoon. And yes she came with the sole purpose of telling me everything and specifically trying to reconile. She said we can take it as slow as i want and do whatever i want to ease into it and have it casual or commited as i want as long as im in her life. She went on how nobody she looked at or talked to even sparked a remote interest the way i did nor even treated her close to how i did and she realized it. And that was all pleasing to hear, but in my head, logically she is feeling guilty, lonley and sad for what she did. How can i take her back in this state? We get back together , she feels better and it all goes downhill again? I dont think i can take being hurt that bad twice by the same person. The first time nearly killed me it felt. Of course i love her, we shared 2 years with eachother and experienced a lot of firsts together, so its hard not to love her, but i cant get over the idea that its only because of all that.

[dabbledave]

Yes, I would say a very confusing time for you.

 

Forgiveness is good and healthy for you, and for any type of relationship you might have with her in future. Forgive, but don't ever forget what happened.

 

So don't naively rush into anything assuming she's a changed person. Make sure there is a sustained campaign by her to win back your trust and your heart.

 

And through all of it, make sure you continue to build up your independent and positive sense of self so that if she ever breaks your trust again it won't be as difficult to walk away.

 

DD

[hausser]

Look dude, your emotions about the meeting are still very very raw. Give yourself at least a few days to mull this over, she isn't going anywhere I can assure you. Tell her your thinking over things. I have been the dumper asking the dumpee to reconcile and let me tell you it is 10x more of a painful feeling than the other way around. It is horrendous, the guilt she is feeling right now, dude, when I experienced it was unreal.

 

Essentially you've got simple choice. Make another go of it, or don't. If you decide too, immerse yourself in the stories in the getting back together forum and take note of what worked for the successful couples, and just a importantly why the unsuccesful recon attempts didn't. It's all there man.

[LP90]

They definitely are raw for sure. Feeling really weird right now. Of course a part of me wants her back because shes all ive ever known and experienced when it comes to love. I just cant imagine myself with a different girl, but thats not to say there isnt one out there thats just as good or even better. I dont want to take her back because im feeling lonely and sad without her. I havent heard of a breakup where the people dont miss eachother and still have feelings even after 6 month or even years down the line, so how is my situation any different? Looking into her eyes today as she looked back at mine just burned a hole in my soul because it made me remember nearly every moment we shared together and couldnt believe it was over, but reality is, it is over.

 

It seemed like i made it clear that she needs to move on as well and not to wait for me to come back because i doubt i can. She kept saying she cant and wont, but i thought the same thing till almost 3 months NC helped me heal. Of course from her side its harder because she has it all on her conscience, but it wasnt any easier for me and i had to deal with it too. From a logical point of view, i cant take almost anything she said as the truth, i just cant believe her anymore, but from my heart, i want to. But she asked for forgiveness before and promised change and ended up wanting to move on. Who is to say this time will be any different? Of course both my ego and my heart are yearning to be loved and love again, but i just cant justify it right now.

[hausser]

Well then don't dude. Sit tight for as long as you feel you need to.

 

IF you get back there is v good chance the dynamics of the relationship will change for a while, and for a good while she will be a lot more submissive/needy. This is what happened to me when I begged my ex back and she never really forgot it.

 

Have you got any girls on the go right now?

[camus154]

First of all, well done. I'm assuming you're young--and you've handled this situation perfectly.

 

I don't know the particulars, but I'm a bit confused whether you knew she was cheating only through what others said or if you had some more immediate knowledge of it. I have to say, though--even if it's kissing, it's still in my opinion cheating. Maybe not as bad as doing the big dirty, but cheating nonetheless. Cheating is really about betrayal anyway, not sex.

 

I say hold your ground. If you walk away now, you'll establish a foundation of asserting your self-respect while going through your first real breakup. That may not mean much to you now (or maybe ever), but when you rack up a few not-so-great ones, you understand the value in that.

[LP90]

Thats what i feel will happen if i take her back. Even though she will change and be more needy and careful, after some time together she will just get comfortable and even though it might not lead to cheating and lying, she might do something else. Subconsciouly she will know i forgave her for such a terrible thing and if she could get away with this, anything smaller would be no problem. This girl has killed any and all trust i ever had for other people. I just have such a guard up now, im afraid to open up. I thought i could trust her better than my own parents, and i did, till i found out about all the lies and cheating. After that, i was never the same again.

 

Unfortunately, I dont have any other girls on the go. I actually wanted to get into dating because i was really feeling like i was honestly over her till today. I wanted to see whats out there and hopefully get to see that there are other girls out there who i am compatible with, but honestly, no one really sparked an interest yet. I havent been actively looking so i cant say i tried and i didnt succeed. Perhaps what i do need is another girl to show me how to trust, love, and move on. I really do need to let me emotions settle, because right now i cant even think straight. Im actually sitting here missing her now, when a few days ago i hated her and didnt even want to hear her name, let alone reply to her texts or even meet up with her.

[LP90]

First of all, well done. I'm assuming you're young--and you've handled this situation perfectly.

 

I don't know the particulars, but I'm a bit confused whether you knew she was cheating only through what others said or if you had some more immediate knowledge of it. I have to say, though--even if it's kissing, it's still in my opinion cheating. Maybe not as bad as doing the big dirty, but cheating nonetheless. Cheating is really about betrayal anyway, not sex.

 

I say hold your ground. If you walk away now, you'll establish a foundation of asserting your self-respect while going through your first real breakup. That may not mean much to you now (or maybe ever), but when you rack up a few not-so-great ones, you understand the value in that.

 

I found out through direct information. I went through denial when all the red flags were right in front of me, then she became distant and cold, then she finally got caught holding hands with this "friend" and finally confessed to kissing him. So regardless, she knew she was cheating on me, emotionally and physically. She claims she thought she might have some feelings but the minute she realized i was gone is when she realized what she really felt for me and that whatever she felt for this other guy was no where near what she felt for me in any way. She didnt love him nor was in love with him like she was with me, it was just all a stupid mistake, so she claims anyway.

 

I feel the same way, i need to hold my ground because as great as everything was, i have nothing to compare it to and say i can have someone better. Its all just painful now because i feel like she had everything i wanted and its something i wont find in anyone else. Its just that fear of not getting what i truly want out of a girl or a relationship while i had that with my ex at some point. They say that with each love and breakup it gets better because you realize what you had, and what you want as well as how to handle things and how to approach them. So thats all i have to look forward to, but given the oppurtunity right now to have it all again with something as little as a text is just a hard thought to overcome.

[Injured Lion]

I know the feeling of hitting rock bottom when seeing your Ex for the first time in a long time apart. It's like old feelings and memories come rushing back and you wish that you can relive those moments, but reality sinks in telling you that you're no longer together. Right now, you are in a state of confusion. Even though you told her to move on and not wait up on you, it seems that you didn't fully mean it. Posting on here justifies that point, so I recommend you to sit down and take some time to think about what you really want. She told you her feelings, thoughts, and revelations. Clearly she wants a second chance, so definitely she's not going anywhere. You have all the time you want. Don't rush into making your final decision.

[LP90]

I know the feeling of hitting rock bottom when seeing your Ex for the first time in a long time apart. It's like old feelings and memories come rushing back and you wish that you can relive those moments, but reality sinks in telling you that you're no longer together. Right now, you are in a state of confusion. Even though you told her to move on and not wait up on you, it seems that you didn't fully mean it. Posting on here justifies that point, so I recommend you to sit down and take some time to think about what you really want. She told you her feelings, thoughts, and revelations. Clearly she wants a second chance, so definitely she's not going anywhere. You have all the time you want. Don't rush into making your final decision.

 

You are definitely right about her not going anywhere, my problem is me. When we broke up and before i even saw her i made up my mind and told myself "i will never be friends or in a relationship with her ever again!" I just felt she did something unimagineable. Realistically she not only knew she was hurting me because i told her but she saw it. I literally became depressed, lost weight, didnt want to leave the house, etc. I just cant imagine being with someone who put me through the worst pain ive experienced in my life so far. You mentioned that i didnt mean it when i said not to wait for me and she needs to move on. Actually when i told it to her, i had almost no problem saying it at all. Its only when a few hours passed and i had some time to marinate on it that i felt bad. When we broke up i got rid of every little thing from our relationship. Turned out she kept every little thing. From the original emails of how we met, to the first date things, to the bday gifts, photo albums, and so on. She even said she kept going over the letters i wrote her, the pics of us together and visited the park we had our first kiss at on almost a weekly basis. It just kinda hit me that i was so mad i got rid of it all but even though she was acting to like this other guy, she really was thinking about me the whole time, or so she says anyway.

 

She obviously wants a second chance because who wouldnt, right? Problem is i gave her a second chance when i first found out about all the lies and cheating and she promised huge changes and more, yet a few days later nothing changed at all and she wanted to move on. So trying to believe her now and actually expect changes is near impossible for me. It just feels like the last time did. Tears, promises, begging, etc. Maybe she really did change, but i just cant accept that as the truth. Plus, its more about myself at this point. I dont want to change my mind so easily when just a few days ago i hated her. Seeing someone shouldnt change how you really feel if you were firm on the idea. The way i see it, is if fate had it for us to work out, then months or years down the road our paths will cross and it will work out. If it wasnt, then maybe all this was for the best, just hard to believe that because we are both hurt. Im really not sure how to look at it all now.

[banal]

I'm stumped. Sorry man, wish I had something to offer.

 

I know what you *should* do, and that is ignore her. But I just can't advise anyone to do that in good conscience...for whatever reason, I can't.

[lemsip]

Despite what you may think, I'd like to say that you sound well in control of your emotions and are showing great maturity about this, especially if it's your first relationship and breakup. You should be proud of yourself for handling all this so well right now. Heck man, I'm 30 and my recent breakup tore me in two. But I needed to be tore in two in order to become me again. I'd lost myself.

 

I understand the pain you're going through, the weightloss, the anxiety etc. But like banal, I'm really at an odds of what advice to give you. This truly is a situation where you have to decide to either take the plunge or walk away yourself...

 

Saying that, I would agree with some other posters that there's no harm waiting a few days. Sleep on it. Talk to your friends. Even talk to your family if you think it'll help. Good luck man. Whatever you decide, people on here can help you through it.

[LP90]

Thanks, i appreciate that. Couldnt have done it without the great folks here on ENA. I realize its up to me and me only at this point and its sink or swim. I definitely do plan on waiting several days if not weeks because i cant take another emotional ride like that again, my body and mind cant handle that.

 

Now that 1 day has passed and i thought about it a little bit, i cant help but think that even though she kept saying she missed me, needed me, loves me, etc. The other guy was nothing close and she didnt love him, she still spent time with him and still kissed him, if you dont like someone why continue doing it? Her excuse was she needed that emotional crutch since i was gone. He was her rebound guy, but to me thats no excuse, to me she was using people to deal with her problems, so how will i be any different? She has guilt and lonelyness, remorse and sadness, so who is to say she doesnt want me back to just feel better?

 

Talking to friends is pointless, they all saw how much pain she caused me and they all despise and hate her now. I dont even want to tell my friends i met up with her because of it. I just feel like no matter what happened, 2 years of loving someone, you will definitely feel sad and miss them, especially if you cheated and lied for months, the guilt would get you too. So i just take everything she said as feelings based on her emotions, not what she genuinely thinks or feels.