hrd8 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 My gf of 3 years broke up with me 2 months ago. I was hurt bad by a previous relationship of 10 years before meeting her. We met about a year after that relationship ended. My GF and I never argued about anything. We had an awesome time together. I was afraid of being hurt like before and ended up pushing her away. We spent alot of time together, everything a relationship was meant to be. I fell in love with her and was never able to say it. I felt like I would lose her if I did. About six months ago I even bought her an engagement ring, but every time I was with her, I never could bring myself to asking her to marry me. I thought that it would ruin what we had. After the break up, I have been going to therapy twice a week to fix the scars from the first relationship. She always says how proud she of me for that. Also for about the first month after the break I did all the wrong things... sending flowers, gifts, love letters. It only pushed her further away. We met up for dinner a few weeks after the break up. I told her that I loved her and I have felt this was for a long time. She cried and said that she was past her limit. It was a very emotional meeting on both parts. She said that she wants to focus on herself and her 3 year old son. I love her son and think of him as my own. Our kids are so close in ages too. So of course my daughter asks about him aswell. We have been in contact just about every day either through txt, email, or phone. Some days are better than others. We were each other's best friend for 3 years. She flipped out and started balling on the NC relationship or nothing call. That was about 3 weeks ago. The day after that call, my daughter was in an accident. So I broke contact to tell her. We talked most all that day. The next morning we went back to NC which lasted all of 2 days. I thanked her for sending flowers to my daughter at the hospital Last week we were talking and I confessed to buying her a ring and never being able to ask because of my fear of it ruining what we had. We have been LC since then. Yesterday she asked if we would meet for dinner on Saturday. I am kinda lost as to how to handle that? If I bring up my feelings, it pushes her away. But it was the lack of telling her how I felt, that pushed her away in the first place. A part of me wants to go all out and just propose after dinner like I should have months before. In a way I am thankful for the break up. Without it I would have never gotten the therapy i needed or been able to fix the damage from the previous relationship. Such a catch 22 that the breakup is the only thing that allowed me to be able to say how I felt all along. I really dont want to just let go. However being just her friend seems really odd after all we have done and been through. Any input would be helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I think you should agree to meet for dinner and wait to see what she has to say first. I don't advise asking her to marry you unless you get strong signals that she wants that but have the ring in your pocket just in case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 I dont want to expect too much from the dinner. Honestly I am finally in somewhat of a good place with it all. But I cant help but wonder if we still have any chance to get back together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 There is a possibility - it has happened before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 Today has been a rough day for me. Meeting Saturday and I still have no idea as to what she is thinking. The last two days have been ok. We have been txting and emailing. She even threw in a few playful name calling. Today her first text said that she found a picture of me and her son playing. And how little he was. She also said that she found some pix of my daughter. we go back and forth texting about the kids and work About an hour later she texts that she hates finding pix and stuff. Then she asks if I want her to bring all my things to me on SAT. Mainly clothes that I left over there. I told her about a week after the break up (not rudely) that I didnt want anything back that I left at her place. She can be so hot and cold. We have not brought up the relationship talk in atleast a few weeks. How can I tell her that I am glad the break up happened and that we now have a chance to start over new?? My therapy has helped alot to be able to let go and move forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 two days away and you could almost cut the tension with a knife today. Here texts were all over the place, from being sad that school is about to start, upset over work and everything else. Some were fun and somewhat normal, others were down right spiteful. I almost dont even want to to talk to her until dinner Saturday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 I mean one hour she is talking about the past... fun times, saying remember when we went here or did this. Then she would say she is glad she boxed up all of our old pix. ahhhh what a fun roller coaster she is on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorshammer Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Thats why it hurts to keep contact. She probably doesnt realize the hurt she might be causing. If she doesnt make a move on sat then that means you might be friend-zoned. If this is the case, then you have to realize that she really does want to be your friend, since you both shared a lot, but you have to think about yourself. You dont want to stay stuck in limbo with her, its a painful experience, because you dont know if you should really let go of hope or not. Right now she has you.... not as her boyfriend, but she still has you in some capacity. So she doesnt miss you as a person. Thats why when someone breaks up with me, I dont give them the person, they lose it all, its a whole package, and if they miss it, then they know what they have to do. I dont become "close" friends like that with men or women, I get "close" with someone I love. People dont understand that, and they think they can break up with you and still maintain that connection, heck no! They want to ease their guilt and they feel they will be less sad about their decision if you can support them in their tough decision (but us, nope, we hang on to her every word trying to read inbetween the lines). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgia99 Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 hrd8, best of luck on your dinner. it's a comfort to read your posts and what you are going through. sort of going through the same thing, after a lot of back and forth, my ex agreed to go to my counselor to "see if we can rebuild after all the damage" (his words). we have been reconnecting but he has not been healed from our past issues. our session in next thursday. i hope things turn out well for both of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SethSLC Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 Right now she has you.... not as her boyfriend, but she still has you in some capacity. So she doesnt miss you as a person. Thats why when someone breaks up with me, I dont give them the person, they lose it all, its a whole package, and if they miss it, then they know what they have to do. I dont become "close" friends like that with men or women, I get "close" with someone I love. People dont understand that, and they think they can break up with you and still maintain that connection, heck no! They want to ease their guilt and they feel they will be less sad about their decision if you can support them in their tough decision (but us, nope, we hang on to her every word trying to read inbetween the lines). There is a lot of wisdom to be had by readers in what Thorshammer is saying here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Share Posted August 26, 2011 starting to get an awkward vibe.... maybe im reading too much into things. She txt earlier and said, Just dinner, ok? I just replied -- ok no dessert lol. She seem to be worried about me bringing up the past relationship. I'm just gonna be my normal cool self, and try and not make her feel awkward. She really has her guard up, and dinner was her idea in the first place? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Share Posted August 26, 2011 There is a lot of wisdom to be had by readers in what Thorshammer is saying here. are you suggesting no contact? Should I give her an out to the dinner? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 I have no idea how today is flying by so fast. I thought that it would drag on until tonight. We haven't had any contact since around dinner time last night to confirm the plans. I have made up my mind to just have a good time. I'm not bringing up anything, and stay stay calm cool and awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 28, 2011 Author Share Posted August 28, 2011 dinner went well. Not awkward, nervous or strange at all. We ate, laughed, flirted and talked like how we always have. as if nothing ever happened. She did say that she missed me, and commented that I looked great. I didn't dwell on either. So dinner was a success. After we finished up dinner I walked her to her car. She asked if we could sit and talk. She brought up the ring asked to see it. She cried when she saw it and then tried it on. We cleared up some of things about the relationship that bothered us both. Thanks to therapy I was able to see her side and express how I was really feeling the entire time we were together. It was emotional. She said that she felt pushed away so many times that she was now shut down. She took the ring off and gave it back. we hugged for a while and thanked each other for dinner before leaving. She called me on my way home to say that she got home safe and that the ring was beautiful. I woke up this morning to a few txt that she sent last night. no real content. I did notice that used "we" and "us" alot, along with playful names we use to call each other. She called me today around lunch time and we talked some, mainly the fun times we had. She asked if I was going to sell the ring. then asked me to hang on to it for a little while before I did. I didnt press the issue, just said ok. I dont really know where to go from here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doofus Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Keep calm. She needs to know you've actually changed, I think. Do not take the advice you're sure to get here to go NC.. breadcrumbs blah blah blah. Your problem, it sounds like, is that you were NC in the relationship! Obviously, I don't know the woman, but, unless she's very manipulative, the comment about the ring is very positive, I think. When you see her again, and, if she doesn't ask you to go out I would ask her, be all the things she needed you to be in the relationship without going overboard. The more she sees the new you and the less the old, the better. If you really have changed, I like your chances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 She called me today around lunch time and we talked some, mainly the fun times we had. She asked if I was going to sell the ring. then asked me to hang on to it for a little while before I did. I didnt press the issue, just said ok. I dont really know where to go from hereThis all seems very positive. I agree with Doofus that NC would be the wrong thing to do but you should also not aggressively pursue her. Was there any talk about seeing each other again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 thanks! we didn't bring up seeing each other again, mainly since its kinda far out to plan that. It will be another 2 weeks until we have a weekend without kids. its so hard to toe the line between being what i shoulda been all along, and pushing her away. I clearly saw that the attraction was still there, she is just really guarded right now. I didn't get a "friendzone" vibe at all. Last night was the first time I got a goodnight text since the breakup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 OK - well chances are she will contact you again so suggest another meeting sometime. In the meantime keep being friendly but to do not 'pursue' her as such. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 yea we are in contact still, randomly texting right now actually. She seems fairly responsive to just about any form of communication as long as I dont start talking about being sorry or how I feel. I think she gets that, and wants the actions to speak louder. She knows when my appointments are and has with out fail, asked how they have went afterwards. I also dont want to push her further away by going overboard with emails or text either. She jokes about me being out and about looking for girls. I realize now that is a real concern of hers and always has been. And if she keeps bringing up something in a joking way...... that is just her way of addressing the problem without being confrontational. So I try and work in what I am actually doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I would be specific and say that you are not looking for girls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 ok. I'll give that a try. It all seems totally the opposite of all the advice on here. NC, make it seem like you are out having a blast, etc etc. But I have felt through it all that if i went NC it would just validate what she was thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 No contact is to heal from a relationship that has ended, it is not a method of getting an ex back, although sometimes it has that effect. But in your case I think it is likely that your ex wants to see what will happen with you and to do that you need contact and to show her the changes you have made. Going no contact would indeed validate her decision to break up. Unless she is a sociopath, which I very much doubt, I think asking you not to sell the ring is a clear signal that she loves you and wants you back under the right circumstances. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EgoJoe Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I agree with DN. Focus on being as attractive as you can be. I would even start saving some money for a vacation either for just you or the both of you. Stay calm, relaxed and easygoing bro you're on the right track! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SethSLC Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Continue to let her come towards you emotionally. Let her be in the lead for a while as far as when it's ok to talk about that stuff, the past, even the future but be careful no to talk too long or too intensely. Also don't stress or worry too much about planning the next meeting, from the sounds of it it will happen sooner than later without you needing to do anything to pressure the situation. Like was said just relax and have fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrd8 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 the hard part is letting her see the change, and at the same time not bombarding her with txt or email or whatever. I am trying to let her take the lead, and mirroring my replies her as far as content and length. Yesterday she referred to her son by a nickname that only I call him. she has never done that. The million dollar question is how long is it going to take her to come back around? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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