Is he not interested anymore?

[Rhia1978]

I've been dating this guy for over a month now. I fell for him on our first date - he's told me he likes me too. We've met each others friends. I had a home party y’day (Sat) evening & he was invited. When I was confirming with him on Friday he asked what my plans were for the Friday evening. I told him I was out with the girls. I asked him what he's upto - I didn't really want him over on that day since I had had a very hectic week - just wanted my me-time. Since he's been going through some tough times I invited him over for dinner. He agreed. So I rush home & get all dolled up, put the garlic bread in the oven - nothing. After waiting for an hour I text him....again a bit later I send another text. A bit later I call him & leave a voice message – it was a sweet message – cheeky but nothing bad. He's normally good at texting back. He rings me back & by then I had downed a bottle of wine out of frustration. He apologizes & tells me he's in a far away suburb & had 'lost track of time' - I was livid!! I told him I couldn't believe I left the girls early only to be stood up. He has never done this before & in fact arrives before time for dates. I tell him to come over but he says he has no transport. So he tells me he'll see me on Saturday. 'Oh so he'll turn up as & when he wants' I thought. Infuriated I hung up. I texted him & asked him how he could make arrangements with me & then not show up. Anyway we exchanged a spate of texts where I even said 'enjoy with your girlfriend' & he told me he's with his male friend, who I've met, & there wasn't anything 'sinister' to his no show. I was so furious that I gave him an ultimatum (and I know that's not done but I was terribly upset my Friday was going down the gurgler) - 'you either turn up or no need to bother with tomorrow'. He texted back to tell me he didn't appreciate it & that it's upto me if I wanted him over for the party. What the hell!! So he's obliging me by turning up for the party? I texted him later & said I knew where I stood & it's upto him to attend - no red carpet for him since he's like any other friend. Yes I was being nasty cos I was hurting. I also wanted him to realise he's not so important that I have to treat him special.

 

Am really upset I've never been stood up before so this hurts. Also the unpleasant tiff has left a bad taste in my mouth. How I spent the night only I know. Am going overseas in less than 3 weeks so I want to spend as much time as I can with him - Friday would have been perfect...leading into Saturday.

 

On Saturday I texted and apologized to him explaining I was tipsy and upset since I had changed my plans for him. I asked him if he was turning up for the party. No answer. Once my friends turned up I gave him a buzz and left a voice message in an excited voice telling him we were expecting him. Nothing. It’s almost the end of Sunday now and he still hasn’t contacted me. I don’t know what to make of this since earlier in the week when I had taken about 9 hours to answer his text he had texted ‘are you not talking to me anymore?’ to me. And all through the week he’d been sending me nice texts and calling me ‘princess’ and really building upto the weekend.

 

He quit his job over 3 weeks back and I know he’s struggling with finances and to find a new job. I have helped him a bit and he’s landed an interview on Tuesday out of the ones I passed on to him. I’ve never harassed him with texts and have given him plenty of space and support through these weeks. He’s been drinking heavily I know. Maybe even slightly depressed.

 

I have a fantastic job, 2 houses, a budding art career and a busy social life. So I am not depending on him to have a life. As I mentioned earlier he has met a lot of my friends and they all like him. He introduced me to some of his a week back and I was taken by surprise. I really like him…normally it takes me 2/3 months to warm upto a guy and this is the first time I have fallen for someone so soon. But he doesn’t seem to mind that…if anything he’s told me he likes me too.

 

I am not going to contact him anymore. He can have his space and time. I have sincerely apologized and if this one misdemeanor outweighs all the support and affection I have given him, then I am confounded.

 

Any insight will help! Thanks in advance!

[lalalollipops]

What he did was really slack, but DARN girl.. o_O you overreacted like crazy. I'm surprised he actually kept replying. I would've stopped if sb blew up at me like that unless it was sth major.

[lalalollipops]

He rings me back & by then I had downed a bottle of wine out of frustration. He apologizes & tells me he's in a far away suburb & had 'lost track of time' - I was livid!! I told him I couldn't believe I left the girls early only to be stood up. He has never done this before & in fact arrives before time for dates. I tell him to come over but he says he has no transport. So he tells me he'll see me on Saturday. 'Oh so he'll turn up as & when he wants' I thought. Infuriated I hung up. I texted him & asked him how he could make arrangements with me & then not show up. Anyway we exchanged a spate of texts where I even said 'enjoy with your girlfriend' & he told me he's with his male friend, who I've met, & there wasn't anything 'sinister' to his no show. I was so furious that I gave him an ultimatum (and I know that's not done but I was terribly upset my Friday was going down the gurgler) - 'you either turn up or no need to bother with tomorrow'. He texted back to tell me he didn't appreciate it & that it's upto me if I wanted him over for the party. What the hell!! So he's obliging me by turning up for the party? I texted him later & said I knew where I stood & it's upto him to attend - no red carpet for him since he's like any other friend. Yes I was being nasty cos I was hurting. I also wanted him to realise he's not so important that I have to treat him special.

 

 

Yeah... Calm down lol. Yeah what he did was not on, but on your end...You only dated him alittle over ONE MONTH.

[Rhia1978]

Thanks! I know I over-reacted and I have apologised. Have I completely blown it?

[superfox]

Thanks! I know I over-reacted and I have apologised. Have I completely blown it?

Personally I'd say yes

You haven't dated long and he's probably thinking that he's had a lucky escape.

 

I'd leave him be for now and maybe text him on the day of his interview wishing him luck or asking how it went, see how that goes.

[lalalollipops]

Just leave it lol and no need to like be TOO apologetic. Just leave it for him to contact you. When he does do tell him 'hey I might have gone abit far last time. Just would have appreciated you coming over at the time you said. And you know, since I'm leaving in 3 weeks, just wanted to spend some extra time with ya'

 

Don't mention changing plans for him or anything like that. Guys don't like girls that work their schedule round them haha.

Don't go overboard on the apologies either but of course admit you acted rashly lol.

[banal]

I hear you; there's nothing more annoying than being stood up, ESPECIALLY when it's someone you've been seeing for a month. By that point you expect at least the courtesy of a text if he can't make it. With that said, you really went bonkers. Maybe you can blame the booze and the fact that you had a hectic week (if you want to go out with this guy again)?

[Ms Darcy]

Like everyone has said, it's not good that he stood you up. BUT you went over the top. If I were him, I would lose interest. I think you should anticipate that he won't want to see you anymore. You didn't act like someone anyone would want to have as a partner.

[allsunny]

Let him be. Don't text or call him, and don't expect him to make solid plans with you. If he says he is going to meet you in the future, don't expect him to keep his word, because he just might text you again. However, you won't have to put up with it either, so it's really how much "testing" you're willing to take. Just learn from this next time. If ever he shows up late, just stop waiting for him and go out and have fun.

 

In that last situation, after an hour of being late and he hasn't text or called you, you should have left and gone back to having fun with your friends. Or call other friends and make other plans.

[Rhia1978]

Thanks everyone for your words of advice. I accept a couple of harsh words have messed up all the affection & support I have extended to him since we've been seeing each other. I did make a sincere apology. I will learn not to repeat this mistake again. But to be treated so harshly for one mistake is not really nice. If I make a list of pros and cons about my behaviour so far this is the only one in the cons column. I've always given people 2nd chances - whether partners or friends so it stings when I am not given another chance. And the silent treatment is not nice either - it's simply rude. Even if he contacts me later, I am not certain how I can speak to him after the way he's hurt me. I couldn't have stepped out at that late time of the night. I didn't contact him at all y'day and today dropped a text saying 'hope you had a good weekend Good luck with the interview tomorrow!'. I've done my last duty and will assume it's over. If he gets this job, it's my gift to him - don't even want a single word of thanks from him after the way he has ignored me and not appreciated my apology.

[DylanNotorious]

I know you went off your rocker, but do you notice that he ignores you when you guys are fine, and he ignores you when your not. He ignores you even when you are trying to apologize.

 

I really hope you kick him to the curb. He has a habit of ignoring you that I don't think's going to change.

[Rhia1978]

DylanNotorious - I am not going to make excuses but he's been jobless for over 3 weeks now and he's told me his finances are not good at all. A few weeks back he even told me he was in arrears with his rent. Now I don't know whether this compounded with his drinking is creating problems for him. The friend he was hanging out with on Friday is a heavy drinker. When we met he had a job and I have noticed a marked deterioration in his demeanor since he quit. He has told me as if to reassure me 'I will have a job by the end of this week' and nothing has happened - it has eaten away at his confidence I know. Still doesn't condone his behaviour but you must agree anyone would feel very lost without a job? I know I'd go nuts.

 

To your question - He has been erratic with his texting I have to admit. A week back he took more than 2 days to get back to me. I didn't hound him at all but yes I was wondering what was happening. Then he texted me and said he had left his phone at a friend's place and that he wasn't ignoring me. I was at a gameshow audition and couldn't respond. After 9 hours he texted me 'are you not talking to me anymore?'. I texted him back within half an hour - I was tired so I wanted to go to bed and he texted me 'goodnight princess'. I know he wasn't lieing about leaving his phone since I had seen him do it once myself when we had to go back to get it and missed our tram. So he does have this tendency of being callous - he lost $50 once in front of me when we were merely crossing the road. I guess he is terrible distracted and trying to put up a brave front when everything is falling apart round him. All the more reason I shouldn't have said the harsh words. I remember when I met him a week back he told me 'you are the best thing to have happened to me this week' and then blurted out how he didn't even land a single interview that week - 'never happened to me ever'. Poor thing.

 

Yes he is ignoring me even after I have apologised - but am seriously questioning where his phone is. I did call him from a private number just to check if he picked up - he didn't - and I know he picks up private numbers since they might be prospective employers. So it is a possibility.

 

What do you think?

[DylanNotorious]

Well you really seem to believe in him, and you may just have your rose-tinted glasses on. Ok for one, he quit his job. Why did he do that? I know you really like him, but what do you like about him? It's so early in the game I don't think you really know him at all. And he's showing you what he's like.

[Rhia1978]

I have always taken at least 2/3 months before I even look at a guy romantically but something about him made me fall at first sight. I like his sense of humour, the way he makes all my friends feel so welcome & just his company generally. We've spoken about religion, childhood, parents, aspirations....and there are so many similarities that have caught me by surprise. Besides the very fact that he makes me feel really happy and good about myself for the is nice. I am extremely confident woman - hard to tell at the moment I know - but I have a very good job, have had art exhibitions, own 2 houses and have a very hectic social life with many interests. And the most important thing is that I am a genuine person. The best compliment I've ever received is from him and that was about how nice a person I am - normally it's all about my looks and I've been treated as a trophy girlfriend a lot of times. So this was refreshing. Even after he had lost his job he took me out to dinner and wouldn't allow me to split the bill. He didn't need to do that since he was already getting what he wanted. It was sweet. I am going overseas soon and he offered to introduce me to his childhood friend (since I'll be coincidentally in his country - the trip was planned much before I met him) to show us around. He even told me he wanted me to visit his home town which is 45 mins from the main city. This was very sweet of him.

 

As for why he quit his job - when he joined he told me he didn't want a complaints handling role - it's not the best of roles. The first 2 weeks were training. At the end of the first week I had sent him a text telling him I missed him. I thought I had messed it up since I didn't hear from him for 2/3 days after that. I knew it was a faux pas to text something like that so soon. But at the insistence of a friend I contacted him to find out he had quit his job cos he couldn't take it anymore. I know he was rash...and that he really should have sucked it in..found another one and left this but I am not his mother. He has been receiving job offers but he is being fussy. All the while he's been drinking heavily. I had a very traumatic breakup with my ex over a year back - he was alcoholic and lost his job, went into depression and broke up with me. Citing that I have asked him about his drinking and he has assured me it's temporary and besides he's Irish sigh!

 

I agree I don't know him well enough...but I do know he's adopted and where he comes from and he out of the blue introduced me to his friends too. It's only been over a month and we've met once or twice on the weekends so how much more can I really know. Isn't it part of the fun to slowly discover things about each other?

 

I don't want to panic about his drinking - I just want to see what he's like once he does have a job. Also he is worried about his visa since he really wants to stay here and wants a job where they sponsor him. He apparently really liked his previous role and was hoping they would but it didn't materialise.

 

I do believe in him...but that might be the hopeless optimist in me...I believe in people and goodness in people. I cannot change now...too old for that lol!

[Rhia1978]

Just an update all - He just texted me and told me he's been suffering from gastro the entire time. So I texted him back and told him to get well soon - to have heaps of water and rest up. To that he responded and asked me if I am STILL pissed off with him. I told him my anger had dissipated by Saturday - that I don't stay angry for long and that I knew I was wrong in reacting the way I did and hence the sincere apology. I told him I am hurt though by the silent treatment. He has responded telling me that 'silent treatment couldn't be avoided' because he was sick and that he will make it upto me. Gosh!! What do I do with this man.....he is so difficult to read!!

[Ms Darcy]

Do you really think he was suffering from gastro and couldn't text? I wouldn't be so excited about this guy. But, take things slow and try to be more calm.

[Rhia1978]

I do have my suspicions.....gastro is gastro...yes painful but really to drop a text and let me know would have been the thing to do. I will be having a conversation with him the next time we meet about this. I am not putting up with this again...especially if it follows a tiff. Thanks...I will be taking it slow and in fact am leaning back and allowing him to take the initiative. I have put in a bit and am not going to give any more. He is jobless - yes - but that's his issue. I will not be bending over backwards to feed him or take care of him. I have myself to look after too. I am also not changing my plans or forgoing my me-time for him. With every small slip up he's making me stronger actually and the rose coloured glasses are coming off. However, I still believe in him and will observe closely...!! Glad my trip is only 2 weeks away - that will help me heaps to decide what I want out of this. And since we haven't discussed exclusivity, I've been dating another guy (dinners only) at the same time. I've known him for a while and we get along well. He wants to meet this week and I will. Am not putting my eggs in one basket though my heart is set on this one. If my experiences has taught me anything it's not to get exclusive till the guy asks for the commitment...!!

[calichick007]

Just an update all - He just texted me and told me he's been suffering from gastro the entire time. So I texted him back and told him to get well soon - to have heaps of water and rest up. To that he responded and asked me if I am STILL pissed off with him. I told him my anger had dissipated by Saturday - that I don't stay angry for long and that I knew I was wrong in reacting the way I did and hence the sincere apology. I told him I am hurt though by the silent treatment. He has responded telling me that 'silent treatment couldn't be avoided' because he was sick and that he will make it upto me. Gosh!! What do I do with this man.....he is so difficult to read!!

 

He must've had that unique kind of gastro that paralyzes the fingers.

[Rhia1978]

Hahaha....I did say to a friend...'must be gastro of the mind'..!! I will be watching very closely and will also be telling him about this when we meet face - to - face. Hoping it's just a case of making him aware of his responsibilities in the future!!

[vivid2012]

Let him be. Don't text or call him, and don't expect him to make solid plans with you. If he says he is going to meet you in the future, don't expect him to keep his word, because he just might text you again. However, you won't have to put up with it either, so it's really how much "testing" you're willing to take. Just learn from this next time. If ever he shows up late, just stop waiting for him and go out and have fun.

 

In that last situation, after an hour of being late and he hasn't text or called you, you should have left and gone back to having fun with your friends. Or call other friends and make other plans.

Yup, that's might be the way to go.