Anecdotes of Another Nature's Victim

[1m50L0nl3y]

A while ago someone suggested me to create my own journal, that was after an anger outburst I had.. You see I was very upset that night and wrote a threat in the dating section about how miserable I was, luckily for me I was able to drink myself until I passed out. Terrible hung over next morning, but somehow I was able to get rid of my anger or I learned to minimize it's control over me.

One thing leads to another, and the root cause of this journal is women which leads me to the conclusion that I'm going to talk about women, the ones I know, liked, and ruined me alternatively I will write about the ones I didn't like and I ended up ruining. But the first scenario will be probably the most common in this threat.

 

Its hard for me to choose who will be the first to mention... I don't want to seem unfair, so I will start from the most recent until I get to my first love. I just want to warn you that whatever you read here is not intended to be taken as advice,I'm still single.

 

The most recent woman in my life is F. What can I say about her? F was average on looks, incredibly intelligent, polite and had a sense of humor... Was exactly that, her SENSE OF HUMOR what was wrong with her.

Have you ever met a person that you suspect must be wonderful but hides all the positive things of her personality behind a black sense of humor? If you haven't please read on..

 

I suspected F. was well intention-ed and that her sense of humor was a way of protecting herself, so I tried to show her she could let her guard down with me. She tended to make harsh remarks based on racism, sexism, and plain ignorance, of course it was a "joke", she would disguise her hateful comments and shoot them at people and pretend it was O.K because it was supposed to be "funny". I was surprised (in a bad way) that this woman who read so many books, science magazines and had a master degree was so "funny".

 

I don't know if she really thought of herself as a clown? Or she was really arrogant?. The reason why it isn't clear for me, its because she would get in the shower wearing her sunglasses. She would jump out of bed and wear her sunglasses and get in the shower. I was amazed, and found it funny. You know things like that are hard to forget, she was very unique. We made it our personal joke to always wear sunglasses we would only remove them to go to bed.

 

That was an example of her cool side. This funny bubbly chick loved her so called clever yet innocently funny remarks and she would target them at me specially.

She began with the racism, she proceeded with sexism, when she saw I wasn't impressed and was very good at returning the "favour" she changed her strategy, began to claim that she didn't feel "safe" around me, because I could "kill" her, she began calling me "Thief" (that was the joke, which I don't see what's funny, or maybe the funny part would be when she said that to the wrong person and I ended in jail?). At first I laughed, but each day she seemed to mean it more than the day before. To top it off she began talking crap about my ex fiancee (she basically said I have no taste whatsoever) I found it extremely unacceptable, and ask her to knock it off, she insisted she was joking, FINE. She said it 2 more times, and I had it!.. that was the end.

 

She realized that her joke of calling me "thief" and male * * * * * really offended me so she began to avoid me, she never apologized for anything she did, which helped me to cut her out of my life. Im not a cry baby. I love to joke around and I love women who joke with me. But she was taking it too far, it was as if she actually thought I was going to steal her something. I perceived from the way she said it that she actually thought I was a bad dude aka Thief. Anyway, the whole thing was weird.

I told some friends about the joke and me dumping her because of it and they had a blast. They said they never heard of someone who got involved with a thief and then the thief dumped them.

 

But F really thought she was a comedian, she contacted me a month after I dumped her, she just wanted to have a talk, we are down 20 minutes talking like 2 adults and out of nowhere she yells "Mafioso!" and begins all over again to repeat the same pre made joke of me being now a "mafioso" and her not feeling safe around me and blah blah I had to just hang up on her. I couldn't listen that crap anymore.

She told me her ex dumped her because he got into a deep depression, its understandable, if I had to take her * * * * just one more day I had killed myself.

I ended up blocking her from being able to dial my number but maybe one day I might ask her if she got robbed and she wanted me to pay what the "real thief" did , or if its some sort of sexual fantasy?

 

F if you ever read this I really tried to like you, I really did. But I just couldn't understand you. I hope you find your "mafioso" and be very happy with him ha ha ha

[1m50L0nl3y]

Maybe I was a little too tough with F, and I took the "joke" as an excuse to try to run away with M.

 

I met F as a byproduct. The real deal for me during those days was M. M was beautiful, intelligent and her jokes made me laugh. Whenever I had a conversation with her I learned something new, she was always researching new scientific facts to later discuss them with me.. She loved my arguments on biology and I liked hers in cosmology. I didn't know what I liked the most her looks or her brains. She was stimulating both ways.

 

She had two of her frontal teeth broken and then she got a molar removed, I could care less. Those gray eyes took over and I couldn't focus on anything else other than the words she said. I should have seen the bad teeth as a red flag. Then was the fact she was extremely thin and then the fact that she had a medical condition in her stomach.

 

I was ignorant of the whole problem, not because I didn't care but because she kept me away with multiple lies. She promised me she was going to get healthy again.. I didn't want to force the situation. She also gave me an ultimatum that if I ever did something bad it would kill her. So I was walking on eggshells in a dark room.

 

And one day out of nowhere she wished me a happy life and vanished, I never saw or heard from her again. I was sad for many days... Now I just don't care.

 

So yes I was daydreaming of M, while I was bored at F's apartment. In retrospective, and weirdly enough, I now understand what went wrong with me and F. I happened to mention my exfiancee and she got jealous, then I would ignore her because I was either thinking, talking with M. I really didn't try with her because I thought M was going to be there to catch me.... She created the joke because that was the only way to get an emotion from me....

 

How dumb of me. Maybe I can fix it? I don't think I want... But I can try.

[1m50L0nl3y]

Today as usually, as any other Thursday I went to do my regular shopping. I'm very automated, nothing can distract me. I know where everything is placed in that store. I have been going to that same store for 20 years now. Nothing has ever surprised me while doing my "chore", I'm programmed to do it in the least amount of time possible without interacting with a single person who's not the cashier. I never look around to see any familiar faces.

 

But today something was different. Today I had a doubt on which product to choose. I was holding one on my hand and the other in my left hand. While reading the labels, and in deep thought which was better, facing this mundane dilemma, I spotted a familiar face.

 

It was F.. I saw her walking around with some guy, a guy that I know pretty well. I know him and his kind like the palm of my hand. In that moment, I saw them like some sort of ghosts or beings from another dimension. It was striking in a unconventional way. I couldn't help myself to think out loud "Really? After I dumped you that's what you now go for?". Some guy who was standing next to me heard what I said and thought I was talking about the products I was holding, and as if he knew what I was talking about he said "Yeah that's the same thing my ex told me, choose the one on your right". And that's exactly what I did.

 

As I walked to the cashier, I couldn't keep my eyes off of them. How in this world does she substitutes me with HIM? And how is possible they couldn't see me? Why? ..

 

All of a sudden it got me. The one walking around like the vision of a ghost was me.

[1m50L0nl3y]

Sunrise. Im laying on my bed looking myself on the mirror. And something calls out my attention and is MY RIBS. I don't remember when was the last time I focused in them or anybody's else's ribs. I try to go back in time, and I got it. The last time I cared about my ribs was when I was still a boy. Was the night of a car accident and doctors took x rays of them. I looked at them and they were so fascinating, I could spend days and days looking at that image. Wondering how much would it hurt to have one broken, luckily for me they were in perfect condition. That night, that car accident, and the x ray changed my world forever. It was a sad night. It was the turning point.

But who knows where the x ray image is now? or what happened to the doctors that took care of me that night? What will happen with my real ribs in a few years from now? How and where will they end? Will somebody from the future touch them as I am tonight and wonder who was this person?

What happened to my ancestors ribs? where are their bones and ribs? who were they? I might never conciously know about that. That information is in my blood, my hair, my saliva and when I'm gone and forgotten it will be in my bones, it's all in ME. And it will also be in my descendants for ever and always, as long as there is a humanity I know a fragment of me and my unknown relatives will always remain, it will never fade. It doesn't matter they will never know my name and I'll never know theirs either. Who cares what happens to this ribs after all.

[1m50L0nl3y]

And my topic of the day is (GIVING UP IN) ONLINE DATING:

 

So today I woke up REALLY early to watch a 1 hour live video podcast of a youtube celebrity, the dude is awesome, basically I did this sacrifice because he has some great intellect without ever going to college, the guy is inspirational, I mean he is one of the most rational persons I ever came accross with online... This man has some great insight, point of view in such a logical manner without having to try too hard. He knows how to make his point clear with little words. Brilliant.

Now this guy wasn't talking about relationships or anything like it. So what does he has to do with online dating?

Simply, at the end of the argument he encourages his audience to ask him open questions about whatever, could be the subject he was discussing, personal or even political. Someone asked him "How did you meet your wife?" He said online, and how he always knew he would find his future wife online because the possibilities were endless he even said he could write an advice book about it, and is considering.

 

Now none of this would have had any relevance for me if yesterday I wouldn't have had a talk with one colleague of mine. Both of us are single so we were talking about how hard the dating scene is getting. I told him "you know dude, I surrender, I won't force anything with anyone. I just give up, if it happens awesome if it doesn't that's fine!" This was weird coming from me, I have always been a big defender of online dating, man.. I even promote it to all my colleagues at work. I see it as a too to increase the quality of possible partners. I think its pretty awesome.

But somehow today out of nowhere I realized I'm tired of it, I must confess I got away with lot of crap by doing online dating.. But now it's just boring.

For example the other day began to chat with some girl, the only thing she asked me about was more pics of me... She even looked for me on facebook and added me, obviously I declined. The problem is not my pics, I have a bunch, the problem is not even trying to have at least, a complete sentence type of conversation, she seems to me boring, dumb, and social inept.

 

She was demanding to see my personal stuff right out of the bat.

It was like an instant turn off. I swear I couldn't make it past 2 questions (where you live? what do you do in life?) I was so but so bored, it was beyond words..

 

Luckily for me I have very intelligent online friends, and this people can express themselves and their ideas in an mature sort of way and share my same life style. Or maybe I just reached out a new state of consciousness where if I'm going to spend time talking to a stranger at least it will be fruitful for both parties.

Anyway, I still give props to online dating, it works. It worked for me more than once. And who knows maybe in the future I will post a success, but it won't happen anytime soon.

[1m50L0nl3y]

Oh I met somebody new, a writer, a thinker, an ex model... Life could be so sweet now if I would just dial that number... If I dare things would change forever... I want to dial... I'm doing it... Phone is ringing... "Hallå"...