Looking for opinion on book I am writing...

[Mika]

Hey everyone. I am just giving my first go at writing a book and would love some honest feedback. I only have a few pages written, but if you have some extra time I would love any opinions. My main concern is not spelling or grammar, I just want to know if you would continue reading the book after reading these few pages. Thank you so much.

 

 

Madison Priestly was only thirteen years old when it happened. It was a dark night, only a single star shining in the sky. Every night since her seventh birthday, Madison had the same routine. She would put on her pajamas, brush her teeth, and head to the window to look up at the stars. But to her, the stars resembled much more than a shining planet in the sky – to Madison the stars meant that her father was watching down upon her from above, guiding her with his shining light to help her through her next day without him. On nights when the stars ran amok, Madison would sit in her bedroom window and wonder which star belonged to him, but on nights like this one when there was only one star in the sky, she didn’t have to wonder, she knew.

 

Many times when she sat in her window her mother would join in, sitting behind her, wrapping her legs around her, and hugging her as tight as she could. Together they would admire all of the beauty that the stars brought to the sky and reminisce about the wonderful times they shared as a family. They would speak about the nights they spent eating popcorn and watching family movies, the trips they shared to Disneyland and Tennessee, and the times they spent taking the family dogs for walks. Because Madison was so young when she lost her father many of her memories were diminished, so where there were holes her mother would happily fill in the blanks.

 

Her father, Andy, was a hard-headed man with a big heart. By the age of twenty-five he had lost both of his parents. His father died of a serious illness, his mother died a month later. And while doctors couldn’t pinpoint the cause of her death, he always knew that it was heartbreak. With both of his parents gone, Andy was left to fend for himself. There were many nights he would curl up in his bed drifting off to sleep, dreading his hunger pangs the next day. But he never gave up. Through hard work and persistence, Andy quickly had the money to buy his own house and start a family with the woman he loved – Bethany.

 

When Andy met Bethany, he was a rough character, trying to make ends meet. But through everything, she stuck by his side, loving him with every breath he took. Like any couple, they had their good times and their bad, but through it all Bethany knew that Andy loved her and Andy knew that Bethany loved him. And as she sat in the bedroom window with her daughter, she would speak about their first date, their first kiss, and the first time that she knew she was in love. Many times, she would even speak about the silly arguments that they had together, looking back and laughing, cherishing even the rough times that they had spent together.

 

Madison often thought of who she would marry one day, only dreaming that she could have a relationship full of as much love as that of her mother and father. Even as a young girl Madison would enthrall herself in love stories, often throwing her mother’s white curtains over her head, pretending that they were her veil as she walked down the aisle. While the other children were playing in the sandbox, Madison would be sitting quietly in the corner cutting photos out of wedding magazines that her mother had kept from when she was younger. She dreamed of a beautiful red and white church wedding, a flowing strapless dress, her dream man waiting for her at the end, and most importantly, her father walking her down the aisle. Unfortunately for Madison, she would never have the opportunity to experience the latter.

 

She remembered the day clearly. It was her fifth and a half birthday. In her family, it was never enough to celebrate one birthday a year. Rather, each person got two birthdays; a full birthday and a half birthday. She had been longing for her fifth and half birthday since the day that her fifth birthday ended. She couldn’t wait to tell everyone that she was no longer five, but five and half.

 

The night before her big event, Bethany and Andy could barely get Madison to sleep. Like any five year old before their birthday, she was wired. But eventually her parent’s wise words, “the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner morning will come”, worked and Madison was sound asleep. Almost in synchrony, her parents gave her a goodnight kiss and told her they loved her. They always believed that the mind never slept and that even though she was not awake, she would still know what they were saying and feel their love surrounding her as she slept.

 

The next morning Madison awoke bright and early at 6am. She ran into her parent’s room, jumped on their bed with excitement, and pulled the blankets from atop of them. Shivering from the cold of the room, her father sat up, gave her a hug and a kiss, told her to get seated at the breakfast table, and reluctantly pulled himself out of bed. He gave his wife a kiss, tucked the blankets in around her, and told her to relax for a few more hours.

 

Splashing some cool water on his face, Andy prepared himself for the events of the day, always excited at the opportunity to put a smile on his daughters face. As he finished his morning routine, he could hear his daughter’s eager feet running accross the floor in his direction as she screamed “common daddy I’m five and a half today, hurry up!” As she ran into the bathroom she jumped into his arms and embraced him with a teddy bear hug – a hug that always seemed to put a smile on his face no matter how bad the events of the day.

 

Since it was her day, Andy allowed Madison to pick her own breakfast. And what other would a five year old pick for breakfast than a nice big bowl of chocolate ice cream? Not surprised by his daughters pick, Andy quickly grabbed the box of ice cream and scooped it into a dish. Allowing Madison to make her own rules for the day was a tradition that Andy carried out every birthday and half birthday. And although he didn’t always love her unhealthy meal choices of the day, he knew that it could do her no harm, and that the smile on her face would make it well worth it. After all, it was her day. And although she was Andy’s little princess every day, her birthday and half birthday were two days, dedicated purely to her, that she could truly feel as though she was one.

 

When Madison finished her ice cream breakfast she was quick to ask her dad where the presents were. “What makes you think we got you any presents?” her father joked. Madison knew he was kidding and began snooping around the house in any nook and cranny she could find. Over the years Madison had become an expert present hunter, finding presents that were hidden in the closet, underneath the couch, and even in the glove box of the car. Because of her super hunting abilities, her parents had to up their hiding skills and began storing their presents over at their neighbor’s house.

 

Andy and Bethany were close friends with many of their neighbors, especially Jill and Landon. When Andy and Bethany first moved into the neighborhood, Jill and Landon were the first to welcome them, bringing them a basketful of goodies and treats as a welcome gift. They clicked immediately. It was not long before Bethany and Jill shared weekly dinner dates and Landon and Andy shared bi-weekly golf games. To tighten their bond even more, Jill and Landon also had young daughter who would often knock on Bethany and Andy’s door asking for Madison to come out and play.

 

Like most children, Madison and Andrea didn’t take long to become friends. They spent hours together playing in Madison’s backyard sandbox and in Andrea’s backyard swimming pool. When not outside, the two would often play school on the large chalkboard that Madison’s parents had bought for her or braid friendship bracelets to declare their everlasting bond to one another.

 

Today, like any other day of the week, Andrea would be coming over for Madison’s half birthday. It was to be a big bash, one in which all of her closest friends and family would attend. In total she would have each her parents and her grandparents, three sets of aunts and uncles, ten cousins, and five friends attending the party just for her. There was nothing that Madison loved more than having all of her friends and family in the same room at one time.

 

As her father started to clean the house and prepare for guests, Madison turned on her favorite cartoon show, “Barney”, and started dancing and singing along to his songs. Anytime her father saw her do this he couldn’t help but giggle and admire what an adorable little girl he and his wife had brought into this world. Madison had long, light blonde hair, blue eyes, and a tiny button nose. Her lips were thin, the color of pink lemonade, and her cheeks were always rosy. And while she wasn’t exactly a tomboy, Madison hated wearing anything that resembled a dress and hated brushing her hair. She was a great admirer of her Grandfather, James, and had decided that if he didn’t have to brush his hair, she shouldn’t have to either.

 

To Madison, her grandparents were like second parents. They lived only a few houses away and Madison would seek refuge there anytime her parents would insist that she eat her vegetables. Whenever Madison had threatened to ‘run away’, her parents knew exactly where she was going, calling James and Sharon, letting them know she would be there shortly. Her grandparents were always there for her and she loved them deeply.

 

Immediately after she was finished watching Barney, Madison could no longer hold in the excitement and ran to the phone to call her grandma and grandpa. Still only 7am, Sharon answered with a rasp in her voice, signifying to Madison that she had woke them up. She didn’t care and neither did Sharon. Her grandparents were always happy to hear her voice whether it be at three in the morning or four in the afternoon.

 

Sharon could hear the excitement in her little Granddaughter’s voice and knew that when Madison was excited, she could often become uncontrollably hyper. Knowing that her son-in-law and daughter had much work to do around the house before the guests showed up, Sharon suggested that Madison come over and bake some cookies for the party with her. Madison loved to bake with her Grandmother and this excited her even more. Without even letting her Grandmother know where she was going, she dropped the phone, ran to her dad, and asked for his permission to go bake cookies. He responded by saying “today is your day sweetheart, I think you know the answer to that”. And so she went.

 

Andy and Bethany had decided several months ago that Madison was mature enough to walk to her grandparents on her own, but they always watched out the window, ensuring that she got there safely. Today was no exception. Once he saw Sharon greet Madison at the door, he returned to cleaning the house until it was time to wake his sleeping wife.

 

Being in an exceptionally good mood today, Andy decided he would make his wife breakfast in bed. He made her favorite – eggs, waffles covered in syrup, and a side of hash browns. When he was finished he walked into her room, lightly kissed her on the forehead, and told her it was 8 o’clock. She was surprised and delighted to see that Andy had made her breakfast in bed and insisted that he share it with her.

 

Now both in a great mood, Bethany prepared for her day as Andy went down the list of guests he needed to call before the party. The list was long, so he got started immediately. Once he had finished confirming which guests were coming, he made his last call, letting Sharon know that guests would be arriving at 2 o’clock.

 

When the time came, guests started pouring in. As they did, Madison would make sure she was close to the door in order to greet each guest separately with a huge hug and interrogation as to what they bought her. Person after person would tell her that she had to wait to find out. It was only when her cousin Jerry had told her exactly what he bought her that she realized she didn’t really want to know. It was the first time she had realized that the surprise of opening the present was half of the fun.

 

As the festivities of the day wore on, family and friends laughed, snacked, and played games. Much of the time Madison could be found carrying around a video recorder, taping the events of the day so that she would remember it when she was older. She was wise beyond her years and somehow, at the age of five and a half, already knew that she needed to cherish every moment she had with the people she loved.

 

When 5 o’clock rolled around, it was almost time to eat. And, like breakfast, Andy let Madison choose her dinner of choice. For the last 4 parties Madison had chosen McDonald’s. Today, she surprised her father, switching it up to pizza – a choice that Andy was very happy about, saving him a nice chunk of change. He phoned in the order and when asked if he would like delivery he responded, “No thanks. I will be there shortly.” He was always the type that would do anything to save a few dollars, even if it meant that he had to drive to pick up the pizza.

 

Andy had informed the guests that food was on its way shortly and then proceeded to give Madison a big hug and kiss, letting her know how proud of her he was. They were the type of family that would never open the door without saying “I love you.” Madison responded back saying, “I love you too. Now go get my pizza my humble prince!” And so he did. Madison had no idea that it would be the last time she would ever hear her father’s voice.

 

As the adults continued to laugh and the children continued to play, time passed quickly. When Bethany finally realized that over an hour had passed since Andy had left, she began to worry. The pizza shop was only 10 minutes away and they had said it would be ready in 10 to 15 minutes. Before she had time to think about what to do, she heard a knock on the door. She hurried quickly, hoping to find her husband with his hands full. That was not what she got.

 

When she opened the door, Bethany was surprised to see two police officers. One of the officers was very attractive with dark hair and Brad Pitt eyes. The other was not so fortunate with hair that was turning grey and visible acne scars covering his face. Her heart dropped and before the officers could even show her their badge, Bethany broke into tears. She knew that something terrible had happened.

 

“Miss? I’m afraid we have some bad news. Is your license plate AEKM-714?” She knew the news she was about to receive was bad, but she had hoped that it wasn’t life or death. She was wrong. The officers, speaking to Bethany in a calm, caring voice, had informed her that her husband had been in a horrific car accident and wasn’t expected to make it. She tried to keep her composure, but lost it quickly, falling to floor, begging God for a miracle.

 

As Bethany’s brother Lawrence was walking through the living room to use the washroom, he noticed his sister and quickly rushed to her side. The officers told him the news and his heart stopped. Lawrence, like many of his other family members, was very close with Andy. They often went out for late night drinks, discussing the similarities between their marriages, laughing at the differences between men and women. And while he wanted to break down too, he knew he had to be strong for his sister and even stronger for his niece.

 

At that moment, Madison came rushing in to see when her daddy would be returning with food. “What’s wrong mommy?” It was a question no mother wants to be asked and a topic no mother wants to deal with. Bethany wondered whether she should tell her daughter the news, or hold off until she knew more details. As of right now, all Bethany knew was that her husband was lying in a hospital bed, with little chance of making it through. Again Madison asked “Mommy, what’s wrong?”

 

With a million thoughts flowing through her mind, Bethany remembered a conversation she had once had with Andy about his parents. During the conversation, Andy recollected what it was like to watch his father die of cancer as he lay hopeless in a hospital bed. Bethany, lucky to have never lost a parent, didn’t understand how he could stand to see his father like that. He spoke of how hard it was, but ended by telling her, “if I didn’t have those last few moments with my father to tell him how much I loved him, if I wasn’t there for his last breathe, I never would have forgave myself. As hurtful as it was, it gave me the comfort of knowing that I was there for him during the time he needed me the most.” And now in present day as Bethany sat on her knees, weeping into her hands, that statement was all she could think of. She knew she had to tell Madison and give her the opportunity to see her father if she wanted to.

 

Cautious of her wording and realizing that Madison didn’t yet fully comprehend the meaning of death, Bethany told her daughter that daddy would not be home tonight. When Madison asked when he would be home, Bethany said she didn’t know if daddy was coming home. Madison didn’t understand and the pressure of explaining it to her became too much for Bethany. Luckily, her entire family was there to support her, console her, and try to explain the situation to Madison.

 

As she was sitting on her uncle’s lap, listening to his words, Madison softly said, “I want to see him.” Looking around for guidance from his family members, Lawrence didn’t know what to say. He responded with, “I don’t know if that is a good idea right now hunnie.” This infuriated Madison and she yelled “I want to see him” several more times, screaming and crying louder with each word. Her mother rushed over to console her and promised that they would go see daddy right away.

 

Knowing that Bethany was in no shape to get behind the wheel, Lawrence offered to drive them over to the hospital. The entire extended family followed close behind. Once they arrived at the hospital, they were immediately directed to the intensive care unit. By this time, it was past visiting hours and the doctors and nurses would not usually let anyone through the doors. Given his condition, however, they made an exception. The doctor on site knew that Andy did not have much time left and wanted to let his family spend what remaining time he did have with him.

 

Bethany decided that she had better go in alone at first, making sure that the sight of her husband would not traumatize Madison any more than she already was. As she walked in the room the sight of her husband lying helpless on the bed made her burst into tears. His leg was in a cast, he had several small cuts on his forehead, and he had some small drops of dried blood surrounding his nostrils, but other than that, he looked as though nothing had happened. On the outside he looked as though he could make it, on the inside he was bleeding to death. Bethany had always known her husband as a strong man and now, here he was laying still, his life slipping out of his hands. She had so much she wanted to say, but all she could do was weep.

 

Despite her inability to talk, Bethany knew that there was one other way to show her husband she was here and that she cared. She grabbed his hand and squeezed tight, remembering a conversation they had as he was driving her to work one hot August afternoon. As they were driving, he squeezed her hand. Thinking nothing of it, Bethany continued to sing along to the songs on the radio and watch out the window. “Why don’t you ever squeeze back?” he asked. In a sarcastic tone Bethany replied, “I didn’t know I had to.” “Well, you do” said Andy. “Anytime I squeeze your hand, it means I love you. The harder I squeeze, the more love I am putting into it. So if you love me, you will squeeze back.” She squeezed and from that moment on it became their thing, their way to say I love you without speaking a word.

 

Now, Bethany sat squeezing her husband’s hand with all her might. She felt a weak, yet full hearted squeeze back and at that moment, knew that her husband was aware. She went to get Madison, explaining to her that daddy can’t talk back and that he looked as though he were sleeping, but nothing could prepare Madison for what she was about to see. Walking into the room, she ran to her daddy, begging and pleading with him to wake up. There was no response. She told him she loved him, that he was the only one who made her feel like a real princess. Still, getting no response, her mother told her to hold his hand and squeeze tightly. She did and her daddy squeezed back. With tears rolling down her face, she curled up next to him and pretended that it was just another night where she crawled into daddy’s bed, afraid of the monsters under hers.

 

Suddenly, the sound of the dreaded death machine went off. “Bzzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzzz” – the sound of a straight line. The doctors and paramedics came rushing in, pushing Madison and Bethany out of the way. Madison had no idea what was going on and pleaded to stay by her daddy’s side. Although it broke her mother’s heart to do so, she had to grab her daughter and pull her away. Even though she was not yet old enough to realize it, you could tell that a piece of Madison had just died – a piece that she would never get back. She had just lost her daddy, her best friend, and her humble prince.

 

As she sat in the window sill with her mom, Madison always tried to think of the good moments that she spent with her father. But every so often, the memories of his last breath would seep into her mind, causing her to weep as though it had just happened yesterday. Not many teenagers remember the events of their life when they were five, but when something as traumatic as this happens, every detail sticks in their mind. Tonight, as Madison and her mom looked up at the only star in the sky, a single tear rolled down her cheek. Always there when her daughter needed her, her mother wiped away her tear and assured her that everything would be okay, that daddy was looking after them from above.

 

 

THE END (So far...). Thank you for taking the time to read, and any opinions are greatly appreciated.

[chitown9]

It did not hold my interest.