Tips/advice to get my mind off him&her

[wanttomoveon]

So, I won’t go into the full story, but essentially, earlier this year my ex cheated on me a few times with a friend of his from work . When he finally admitted this to me 3 months ago we had a few weeks where we tried to decide if we could stay together and try and make our relationship work (we were together for 7yrs & on the verge of getting engaged). I felt heartbroken, betrayed and didn’t know if I could ever trust him again and he said that he still loved me but he was really confused, didn’t know if we could 'fix' things after what he'd done etc. I decided the whole ‘I’m so confused’ thing wasn’t good enough for me as it seemed he either wasn’t prepared to try and fight for our relationship, or he just simply wanted out and didn’t have the b@lls to say so. We broke up just over 2 months ago and he moved out of our house 1 month ago.

 

Total NC isn’t an option as we have to sell our house, but I am now trying my best to only email him using our work emails and only about house/practical stuff. Prior to that I was doing the whole phoning/texting/emailing/crying/wailing/questioning stuff, but last week I really did realise that it had to stop. He hasn’t made any effort to contact me, so why the hell am I wasting my time trying to speak to him when I’m upset when it only makes me feel worse in the end?! It’s early days on this minimal contact thing, but I hope to be able to keep it up.

 

Anyway, getting to my point! I know for a fact that he is seeing the woman he cheated on me with. He says they aren’t in a relationship, but they are definitely spending time together outside work and having late nights together ( I know this after an incident when he came round to the house a couple of weeks ago and I ended up having access to his phone and reading text messages – yeah, I know. Not a move I’m proud of, believe me). So even if they aren’t technically a couple, stuff is happening between them and she is making no secret that she wants to be with him (once again, I know this from the texts I saw). That he can move on so quickly when he swore he wasn’t going to jump into a relationship with this person really upsets me. I can’t stop wondering if he’s with her right now, what they’re doing, are they out somewhere having loads of fun, or just a lazy weekend in bed together! I know it’s not healthy to think about this stuff, but I can’t help it. He was my bf for so long, the idea of him being with someone else, so soon, really really hurts.

 

Anyone have any advice AT ALL on how I can try & make myself stop thinking about this stuff? Anything at all would be greatly appreciated.

[Mellie]

The post I put on this page:

 

 

 

this is what worked for me, after a time. That is after the preceeding two weeks where I didn't get out of bed though and cried all day and night, didn't eat, didn't sleep (well, here and there). I think that period actually worked in my favour though. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm not much more than a month post breakup and feeling pretty awesome, actually.

 

Also, what I said here: - doing that helped me a lot.

 

But, and sorry, this is a cliche, but it's also very true. The greatest healer is time and separation. No FB buddies, no looking through the photos, put them in a box up in the attic. Find something, anything (that's legal or healthy ) to take your mind off it. I went to see a comedian the other night and that made me feel great. If you find yourself moping, get out, go out with friends, go to the movies. Don't torture yourself.

 

And the book - It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken - that helped me a lot. It was a surprisingly light hearted read and kind of helped me put it in perspective. The bottom didn't fall out of my world, the sun will still come up tomorrow, and honestly, I'm going to be fine.

 

I wish you the best of luck. I know it's beyond * * * * but you will get through it.

[DailyDreamer]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It's extremely difficult to fully take your mind off of the one you loved so much.

 

Things I personally do as an outlet are:

 

Exercise - Go out and take long walks or jogs if you can. Maybe use a treadmill or even do crunches until you wear yourself out. You can clear your head and feel better once you've completed a good workout.

 

Read - I find reading even more distracting than watching television or a movie. You really need to focus with a book, so this will help unwanted thoughts so your focus is all on the characters you get invested in. Also pick something you like and try not to make it a romance or lovey dovey book.

 

Movies - Watch movies where the character is facing worse situations than yourself. You'll find that your problems seem less significant and more easy to handle if you compare them to much bigger ones.

 

Forum - You are already on the right track with joining this forum so you can relate and talk out feelings with those in similar situations. Vent about your ex, get it out and maybe read what others are going through. Main thing is you aren't alone. Plus, maybe join another forum that sparks an interest. Maybe concerning a hobby you have or a movie you love. Just a nice distraction where you can meet friends who can relate and share a fun conversation with through posts.

 

Draw/Write/Paint - You don't necessarily need to be a creative person to go out and attempt this. Take a notepad and write every thought in your head until it runs empty. Literally writing with a pen on a pad of paper is so liberating and will help you far more than just typing. Drawing and painting in any medium can be a fun distraction. Maybe grab a small sketch pad and just doodle.

 

Hang out with Friends/Family - Options are endless as long as you're surrounded by people you know and love.

 

I hope this helps you out and believe me, I know it's difficult. May it all become a less of a struggle as time passes. I wish you the best of luck. Just take care of yourself and focus on you the best way you can. Hang in there.

[wanttomoveon]

Funny that you mention 'It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken'. I read it last week and it definitely gave me a kick up the backside about the whole contact thing. Prior to reading it I was contacting him pretty much every day and most nights too and the book really gave me a wake up call. Has he called you? No? Well then why are you calling him for Gods sake?! We definitely aren't getting back together, so I really need to get used to not having him in my life every day. As I said it's still early days with minimal contact, but I am determined to stick with it as seems like the only way. I wish we didn't have the house sale to sort out so I could go full NC, but it is how it is and will just have to deal with it.

 

I’ve been doing my best to get out and keep busy with friends and family and you’re both right, it really does help. One good thing to come out of this so far has definitely been the exercise. There’s simply no excuse not to now and it feels good. I guess it’s just been quiet Sunday evening and my thoughts drifted on to bad stuff again.

 

I’m definitely thinking that getting a journal might be a good idea. Seems a bit weird, the idea of having a journal again after so long (not had one since University!), but I think you’re right, physically writing everything down sounds like a good idea.

 

Thanks to both of you for your advice and I hope that your situations continue to improve also.

[lemsip]

Hi there. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this too: I'm the same age as you and in exactly the same position. (So similar it's spooky).

 

Read my thread, there's a load of good advice from people on there. Honestly...

 

 

 

Ps. I'm only at the start of the house-selling process. But it's a head melt. Be prepared for your emotions to be all over the show...It's normal.