No1her Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Loved and still love my ex alot. shes flirty, has an eating disorder, is jealous, kind of hard to deal with at times, very opiniated, rubs some the wrong way, is very emotional b/c she had a rough childhood, used to be fat. shes very sensitive. has cheated on her new boyfriend several times, i assume she musta have cheated on me to : ( loved me to death at one point, i do believe that. is very attractive, still partys and drinks a lil to much, is usually very down on herself, pessimistic, and says she nevers feels good enough for anyone. asked me last week if i would even consider just dropping everything and running away with her. Now my only question is, has anyone ever been in a relationship where there significant other had any of these qualities, and did they eventually mature and or change? I love this girl enough where i can put up with some of this. and id like to think someday she willl mature and be a better person. and i kno she will never be happy with anyone if she is first not happy with herself... but is it possible she will change for the better and get her act together? even after all these months, i cannot really see myself without her when its all said and done, and i kno all the qualities i described make it look bleak, but theres gotta be some success stories, of people who were bad at relationships and had alot of personal problems that eventually figured it out. please let me know of any success stories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1her Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 shes a good person at heart, and i feel bad having told her once or twice that she is not a good person : / but shes got problems. problems that i m still willing to work past with her if we can ever figure this out together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Maybe you need to consider if you can change and start having even self-love and self-respect to move on and find a mature woman to love. We are so busy trying to change others we don't look hard at ourselves. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 People can change. I changed, the problem is usually it takes something for someone to NOTICE they have to change to be a better person. You can tell them all they want. For example I've always been with dysfunctional women. It took me 10 years to realize I was codependent, have an abandonment issue, and basically didn't love myself enough. I was attracting those dysfunctional people because it made me feel better when I needed to "take care" of someone else. This person has a lot of growing to do. I'm sure it's still rough a bit for you. Until she OWNS those issues, notices them, and that she will not have a functional healthy relationship until all of that gets taken care of... It's not going to happen. She's gotta notice it herself. Also why would you want to "put up" with any of that. You don't think you deserve someone who is healthy, mature, loving, and doesn't have all that emotional baggage? Time to let go and move on all together man. I have seen none of my ex's change. The first one still always has a boyfriend, can't be alone, and jumps from relationship to relationship. That's 10 + years of her doing it. One in between that, goes from boyfriend to boyfriend then back again. They all abused her. Most recent one I actually asked at one point in the relationship... Did you ever take a step back and think about any of your relationships and why they failed... her answer... NO. Immediate red flag I chose to ignore because of my above issues. Jumps from relationship to relationship and has an idea of what love is. She has no clue * * * it is, and that it comes from inside of her. Will she change? I don't know, but what I'm saying is it's her life. She will choose when to change. Some people as you can see from above won't look inside because they are scared. They just won't ever change, and that's that. It's sad, but it's a part of life and learning from how you lived your life. It's sad that these people will never look inside themselves to understand why they are that way. They won't ever understand that they can change all of it. It's a lot of work, but I can tell you. I wouldn't have a successful relationship in my life, unless I noticed those issues. It's been the same pattern over and over since my first GF in school. This last one I loved just enough to take a look inside, dig, and figure it out. Stop longing for her, start worrying about your life and live it 100 percent to the best of your ability every day in all areas. Do what you want to do, and what is going to make you happy by yourself single. She is not your purpose. Life is a lot more than a significant other IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1her Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 i am trying to become better myself, i know that is the ideal course of action for me to take at this point. so I am trying, but i just want her to be ok to. I know i can probly do better, but i still love her very much despite it all. she always said when i get myself together and get happy, i think theres a good chance we can fix this, but even if we never do. I want her to be happy for herself. shes done some awful things to me, but i could never hate some1 who meant sooo much to me at one point. I can make her happy she knows this, and she can make me happy. she knows this to. I just worry that by the time she realizes her mistakes, and grows up. iitll be to late. Thank you for the insight. keep it coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 She is jealous, hard to deal with, a serial cheater, parties and drinks to much. I think those should be deal-breaking negatives. You can't have a happy, emotionally satisfying relationship with someone who acts like this. Why waste your life being with someone with this many behaviour problems hoping one day she will change. It should be that you would ONLY accept her if she actually showed that she changed and got her act together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mannaguy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Endy I couldnt agree more with you! But I am struggling to let go of a similar situation. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 If she's your primary soulmate and you're meant to spend this lifetime together, then it really doesn't matter. Your love will help her grow and change and you volunteered for the role. That's why you cannot see yourself without her despite all her problems. Your rational mind says you're crazy to love her but your heart can't help it. Sometimes we're supposed to follow our hearts not our heads. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1her Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 If she's your primary soulmate and you're meant to spend this lifetime together, then it really doesn't matter. Your love will help her grow and change and you volunteered for the role. That's why you cannot see yourself without her despite all her problems. Your rational mind says you're crazy to love her but your heart can't help it. Sometimes we're supposed to follow our hearts not our heads. that was very insightful Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Sounds like there is a lot of co-dependency going on here. No one can help her, she is the only one that can help herself. Think about why you would even consider bring so much chaos and drama into your life-please don't say it's love-as this is a no-win. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 that was very insightful Thank you. I'm glad. I expect to be ridiculed around here when I share my spiritual/New Age viewpoints, and usually I suppress them. So now you're probably wondering whether she's your primary soul mate (sometimes called true soul mate). This might be helpful: "If you ever meet your true soul mate, you will know without question. You will soon realize that you will never be the same. Everything changes for you whether you can actually be with that person or not. That person will be in your heart, your thoughts, and your very soul always after you meet him or her. It is a deep connection with someone that is on a higher level of love. It will shake your world. You cannot control it or change it no matter how hard you may try. You may feel like you have known that person forever. You feel a very strong connection to them that cannot be explained even if you don't yet know them very well. You love them totally for everything that they are. There is total and complete acceptance of that person just the way he or she is. It is an unselfish, true love. You will absolutely know. Meeting your true soul mate is so very different from anything else you have experienced. It will rock your world and you will never be the same again." And in response to your original question, yes I've been in a couple long-term relationships with people who changed significantly. My ex-husband was terrible with money before I met him, always in debt and living beyond his means. He really improved in this area during our marriage without me noticing a concerted effort. I think I was a positive influence and roll model for him. Similarly, he helped me grow and change in several areas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mauxly Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 If she's your primary soulmate and you're meant to spend this lifetime together, then it really doesn't matter. Your love will help her grow and change and you volunteered for the role. That's why you cannot see yourself without her despite all her problems. Your rational mind says you're crazy to love her but your heart can't help it. Sometimes we're supposed to follow our hearts not our heads. Spoken like someone with a permanent black eye. Leading with your heart and ignoring your head will cause insufferable pain. Those red flags we ignore always come home to roost. I'm not trying to be mean, but this is the worst advice I've read on ENA for a long time. Those feelings of undying love, the soulmate syndrome is nothing more than a chemical reaction in the brain, an addiction combined with codependancy. It's a dangerous illusion. And it will trap you into destructive relationships. Always lead with your head first, acknowledging that crazy little heart second. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 If she's your primary soulmate and you're meant to spend this lifetime together, then it really doesn't matter. Your love will help her grow and change and you volunteered for the role. That's why you cannot see yourself without her despite all her problems. Your rational mind says you're crazy to love her but your heart can't help it. Sometimes we're supposed to follow our hearts not our heads. So I read this interesting book on Soul Mates. It basically said that Soul Mate love is often confused with Crazy Love. Crazy love is that intense, all consuming unhealthy love with the person who hurts you (since she cheated, was jealous, drank too much I think that counts). Soul Mate love on the other hand is often a slow grow, like a flower from the earth. You nurture it with your head and heart until it comes into fruition and then your souls can connect. Soul mate love is deeply connected, it is not hurting each other or drama, and it is emotionally nurturing. What he has described sounds more like Crazy love to me, as addictive as any drug but no good for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I'm a spiritual/new age person. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in soul groups. Soul groups would just be who you reincarnate with on this earth. Like your family again etc. That doesn't mean that they are going to be your mom or dad/significant other again. There's not one person on this earth we are meant to be with. We are all interconnected anyways through the universe, and all come from the same source. What that person described above has absolutely nothing to do with her being a soul mate. She is not your soul mate. True love doesn't not involve cheating on someone or the other types of behavior she exuded. I understand where the OP is coming from. I've been there. I've thought with my heart my whole life and it's a mistake. There's nothing wrong with having love for someone who you aren't with anymore. I love two of my ex's. I always will. That doesn't mean that I contact them, haven't moved on. I let go with love, wished them happiness, and moved on. It doesn't mean I would get back with them either. Like I said above... I changed. I deserve someone healthy that is capable of loving me like I am capable of loving them. Love in a relationship is an ACTION. It's how we treat the other person. Sorry to say, but if someone treats you by cheating etc... It's not an act of love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Our primary soulmate is our eternal partner. We are also part of a soul group numbering from 3 to 25. Secondary groups around our own primary group can total up to 1000 souls or more. So yes we have a lot of soulmates. This is according to the books "Journey of Souls" and "Destiny of Souls" by Michael Newton PhD, based on his hypnosis of thousands of subjects who reported similar experiences. Of course, there is no scientific proof and never will be, and what cannot be proved scientifically will never be accepted by most people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I understand that, don't know if I believe in the numbers. There is no scientific proof and you're correct most people won't believe it. I do know that everyone on this earth has the ability to love themselves and that it's the greatest gift we have. I look at my relationships as just a part of my journey, and what I needed to learn from them. The fact that I chose the same type of person over and over speaks wonders to me. I think the universe/god/whatever you believe in puts people in our lives for us to learn. In my situation I attracted the same type of person until I realized why. It was about me growing and changing which I needed to do. No relationship on this earth lasts forever. Not one, I don't believe when we die we spend eternity with just that one person either like they are our permanent partner. Do I believe in the groups yup. Do I believe there's just that one? Nope. Your job is to figure out that reason things ended for you and your self during a breakup to me. If it's meant to be the universe has a way of taking care of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1her Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 a couple things: I really do not know if she actually cheated. I never caught her, just always noticed how flirty and how much she loved attention. which i kinda understood b/c she used to be fat. i just heard things now and then, and noticed some things. Then eventually we went to a shrink for a meeting. one of the first things she said right away was. " he thinks in his heart to this day, that ive cheated on him" she then said she didnt. Now that dosent 100% make it true, but the fact that she said it out loud in front of a shrink like that was HUGE for me. but then that fact thats shes cheated on her new b/f with me a handful of times makes me wonder. she always did say she would never be done with me, nd that if she ever did anything (like cheating) with anyone it would be me. I reciprocated those feelings... altho when it comes down to it i would not, b/c i dont believe in cheating whatsoever. my feelings toward soulmates are indifferent. i dont know whether i believe in them or not. but i dont think i do. I know for a fact she dosent she told me flat out like 2 months ago. we were laying there in bed, and she said do u believe in soul mates i said idk. then she said i dont, but if i did and i ever had one, ud be it. im not ready to give up on her, through everything. i know this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 If she cheats with you... She can and most likely will cheat on you. If someone admitted to me they cheated on any one of their past boyfriends, red flag, gone. I'm not even going to take the chance with someone in that light. Honestly you're just still working through it all. You're not ready to give up, but you will be eventually. It just takes time for your mind to process all of it. Honestly man, just let go when you feel you're ready. Do you want to be with a broken person? You are right now, and that vibe your putting out is not going to attract her back. You are talking about things that she said. Stop worrying about that, and start worrying about her actions. Like you are broken up. Someone made that decision. Just respect it and let go. If you are ever going to get her back, it's usually when you let go completely that they contact you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1her Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 yes endy that last parts what ive heard, and expect to happen... stinks i dont think she knows im broken, the last couple times ive seen her, i put up a big front, and let her know im ok and actively dating. i dont give her to much info, just enough for her to think about. which then always leads to a million questions from her. regardless she always suprises me and i hear from her out of the blue it seems sometimes. the only expectation i have from her right now is that i may or may not see her at a party this weekend. trying not to get my hopes up this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 It's not necessarily true that just because someone cheats with you they will cheat on you. I'm not proud of it, but I've cheated in relationships that I'd emotionally checked out of, before officially ending them. I've been with a couple of men whom I was in love with and would never have dreamed of cheating on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 It's not necessarily true that just because someone cheats with you they will cheat on you. I'm not proud of it, but I've cheated in relationships that I'd emotionally checked out of, before officially ending them. I've been with a couple of men whom I was in love with and would never have dreamed of cheating on. That's nice, but I won't take the chance on someone that is capable of doing that. That to me is morally wrong, and selfish. You can't already just dump them, rather you need to cheat on them to make you temporarily happy and fill your wants and desires? No thanks, I'm not going to get involved with a person like that. Maybe that's not why you did it. I'm not you, but I'm not going to get involved with someone that I know has cheated. End of story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 That's nice, but I won't take the chance on someone that is capable of doing that. That to me is morally wrong, and selfish. You can't already just dump them, rather you need to cheat on them to make you temporarily happy and fill your wants and desires? No thanks, I'm not going to get involved with a person like that. Maybe that's not why you did it. I'm not you, but I'm not going to get involved with someone that I know has cheated. End of story. What does it say about him though? Not much good either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1her Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 endy is right, idkif she did anything or not, but going into the relationship i was leary, i didnt want a relationship with her for the first 6 months of knowing her despite her wanting one. I knew the kindof person she was, i then bit the bullet and just did it b/c i started to fall in love with her. I cant say at this point if it was worth it or not. im sure theres girls out there that would never dream of cheating on there biggest love ever, which no doubt abnout it we were to each other, and i firmly believe we always will be no matter what happens. I just think that kind of girl is rare. I am firmly against cheating, i would never do it. my dad did it to my mom and when i found it it killed me. its just something i dont believe in, and i would never do it to another person, but... i did it with her and i hate to say it but idk if thats much better : (( i was just thinking about this earlier tho. declining her sexual advances... how does that psychologically make her feel? why is this practice talked about and executed soo much on these boards? why is this said to be such a good thing to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flywest29 Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 No, not unless they want to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 I am firmly against cheating, i would never do it. my dad did it to my mom and when i found it it killed me. its just something i dont believe in, and i would never do it to another person, but... i did it with her and i hate to say it but idk if thats much better : (( But you did do it ... to her former bf. He's the guy we all forget about in these discussions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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