Sent Her an Email Yesterday, After One Year NC

[Philabonia]

Yup - I sent her an email - not a sappy, sad email, but basically something to clear the air. Yes, it had emotion in it (she was my fiance - it was unavoidable), but it was not in the least bit a pity party. I have been traveling overseas for the last two months, and the idea of reaching out and trying to settle things (we never spoke after the split) has been on my mind. But, a situation arose that made me decide to reach out.

 

In the last couple of weeks, I have talking someone through a breakup - someone who is on the opposite side of a situation much like my ex and I's. She is breaking up with someone whom she cares for very deeply, but cannot be with anymore; she knows she has to move on, but she just does not know how to do it without harming him. So, seeing as I went through the hell of losing someone who did not know how to show empathy and compassion, but had to get away nonetheless for their own reasons, I have been showing her how to be compassionate over something painful yet necessary. It has helped me understand the psychology of a female doing something as hard as saying goodbye to a huge part of their life, and helped me kind of turn the page in my own story. Though its been a year since we have spoken, I still think and try to figure out exactly what happened between us, since I never really got closure. Talking with her and counseling her on ways to be decent to someone going through hell has helped me to figure out what exactly I did wrong in my relationship, and why she did what she did. Though I in no way agree with her method (essentially saying "I dont love you anymore" and cutting me out of her life), I can understand what led her to that point.

 

My ex needed to say goodbye because of who I had become. I have accepted that fault, and realized that I cannot change the past. I no longer feel guilt, but I do have regrets. So, my email was about that - realizing that I may never know what exactly happened between us, but that I do recognize why it had to happen, and why she did what she did. Though I still hold some animosity towards her, the fact is that I will always love her for the moments we made and what I have taken away from our time together. She was the funniest, sweetest woman I have ever been with, and I will always love her in some way.

 

I think, a year out and a year single, it was good to send her an email with a personal tone. I have learned so much, and she was such a large part of my life, that I think it needed to be said. And, after spending time with the woman I met recently and learning what I have from her, I felt I was ready to reach out. I feel that I have gotten to the point that I can accept what happen, mainly because I am ok with myself and being single. Though I may never "get over it," as I was prepared to spend my life with this woman, I believe I can turn the page, and look at that chapter as the moment in my life where I became able to stand on my own two feet for the first time.

 

If there is anyone out there that is getting to the point where they feel like they would like to say something to their ex, PM me and I will send you the email I wrote her. Like I said, I believe NC is the way to go, until you are able to look at the totality of the circumstances of your relationship with a sense of detachment. Once you can, I think its alright to reach out, if they meant as much as my ex did to me. Expect nothing in return, and take satisfaction in knowing that you let someone who held such a large place in your life know that you think of them at times. Some may call it weak, but I think, at our most fundamental basis, we want to make things ok with people we cared for, no matter what the past may be - we dont want to irreparably burn bridges. So, take my story and give it some thought, after the pain has eased. Cheers.

[dabbledave]

Forgiveness is important for your own personal healing and if, in the future, you want some kind of positive relationship (of any kind) with someone you once loved. But only when you're ready! I've forgiven my ex (and myself) and told her about that; perhaps too early, because I was expecting some reciprocation. But it felt good and helped break me out of the serious depression I found myself in at the time.

 

DD

[Philabonia]

What she responded with today:

 

"Hey. I read what you had to say, and I guess I don't know what my

response should be. Thank you for all that you said, and I sincerely

apologize for the way I dealt with things. I've always been a person

who just does what she wants and I was feeling trapped in every way

possible. I don't really feel like I need to explain much more, but

just know that I am sorry for being flighty and disrespectful.

 

I hope things are going well, and I wish you the best.

Cheers."

 

Haha - man I'm glad I didnt expect anything more from her - she gave me exactly what I expected. To put all niceties aside, I am so glad this happened. Anyone that can approach what happened between us with that level of disinterest is simply not someone I want to spend my life with. Heh - is it weird that I feel like I dodged a bullet with her?

[Di84]

Sometimes I think it's good to do exactly what you feel you need to do - but sometimes, when it comes to an ex, I think it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. .. for this specific reason. If your ex left you (inmy case), we should never contact them ever. They should reach out to us...the broken hearted. I've reached out to my ex so many times in the past only to get hurt over and over again. I finally said enough and have never gone back again...and as much as I miss him, I never will contact him, ever.

[okiedokiestomp]

Her response actually sounds like something my ex would probably say to me.

 

I agree with Di84 in that although we may want or feel a strong **need** for an apology from them as part of our healing process, sometimes even despite the obvious pain we feel from their actions they just don't see it the same way. This is why it is so important to know that closure comes from within you and not from her.

[okiedokiestomp]

Forgiveness is important for your own personal healing and if, in the future, you want some kind of positive relationship (of any kind) with someone you once loved. But only when you're ready! I've forgiven my ex (and myself) and told her about that; perhaps too early, because I was expecting some reciprocation. But it felt good and helped break me out of the serious depression I found myself in at the time.

 

DD

 

I actually have come to believe that forgiveness is one of, if not THE main lesson we are to learn in this life journey of ours. It's that important, that elemental to our physical, spiritual and emotional happiness. I think it's one of the main meainings of life.

[magnoliatree]

Haha - man I'm glad I didnt expect anything more from her - she gave me exactly what I expected. To put all niceties aside, I am so glad this happened. Anyone that can approach what happened between us with that level of disinterest is simply not someone I want to spend my life with. Heh - is it weird that I feel like I dodged a bullet with her?

 

Why would you think that? It's been a year and she's over it, a lot of people (including me) would reply the same way. A year out, if I'm finished with things (even long term) I wouldn't really have a huge interest in rehashing anything on an emotional level. She was polite and apologized for how she handled things (she didn't have to reply at all) - she's just not attached to you anymore.

[tujna]

OMG, this response almost made my heart freeze - I am not sure if any person of average sensitivity and ability to relate to others would say such words, especially if you shared something with them. I do not know your back story but these sound like the words of an extremely selfish and cold person. I may be wrong but I do think you dodged a bullet. What a lack of simple human compassion!

[NeverGoingBack]

OMG, this response almost made my heart freeze - I am not sure if any person of average sensitivity and ability to relate to others would say such words, especially if you shared something with them. I do not know your back story but these sound like the words of an extremely selfish and cold person. I may be wrong but I do think you dodged a bullet. What a lack of simple human compassion!

 

Amen to that. You dodged a bullet. As did I, I think.

[motleylou]

First off im glad you're healed and feeling better. And second wow does that sound eerily similar to my ex. While we weren't engaged we had just made the decision to start a life together. We moved into my parents house to save money. They let her stay there rent and food free bc they really liked her and wanted us to save money. We were planning on moving into our own place this fall. We had just come back from a great couples vacation and she went home by herself for the weekend an cheated on me. Like that wasn't bad enough she lied about the whole thing and I had to find out from my buddy from her home town.

 

I never lost my temper when I found out just basically took the high road and said Ill cherish our good times and take care. Where it gets similar is that she never showed an ounce of compassion or regret towards me. When I asked about the cheating she goes " ya it probably wasn't my best move." unbelievable coming from someone I would have taken a bullet for. Not only was there little compassion for me,but the part that really gets me is she never said or wrote anything to my parents. I sent her mom a thank you letter bc she did nothing wrong and was always great to me. I just don't know how you can leave without saying or very least write a thank you card to two people who let you stay in their home and did nothing wrong. She even ran into my mom and sister 6 weeks post breakup and acted very cold and not very friendly. It just shows you who people really are how they act after breakups.

 

I wished my ex was the only person who is like that but it seems from this post that there lots of them out there. Congrats on feeling better and realizing you deserve better.

[Philabonia]

motleylou - I agree; I dont know what goes through their minds, but I simply cannot understand treating someone like that, unless its too hard or too emotional to tell the "truth," whatever that may be. I used to believe that that was the reason, that she just couldnt face what she felt. But now, a year out, I think its just because she's very selfish. The whole thing about being "trapped" is kind of infuriating, as she did it to herself - she got a DUI, and essentially made herself a prison in our place because she could not drive. I worked, went to school, and was doing research - I did not have time to be daddy as well. I can just tell she still looks at all of it like I'm the bad guy, when the situation was brought on entirely by her. But, it is in the past, and someone else gets to deal with the insanity

 

I do feel so much better since I reached out to her - I know that she hasn't changed, still thinks she is right, and I am long gone and moved on to a life so much more fulfilled. I'm traveling the world and getting my JD, and she's waiting tables. I win. Sorry if that's pretentious, but when your fiance pulls something like this, it feels good to "win," since I had no control over the way things ended or how she dealt with it.

[Dryyoureyes]

Well I can relate to that whole topic. After fighting with myself (I got a serious problem with being able to forgive....) for a month, I send her a bday msg today after 3 month of NC (got the nice usual "thank you...." msg back and that´s when I realized I got to let the past go and move on) and me acting childish from time to time (when I had an emotional backlash). Wasn´t messaging/calling her at all, but I was treating mutual friends a bit weird and was hideing my fb profile, on- off blocking her.... and stuff like that. Anyway it was just for me so that I can heal and I really should think about trying to not use facebook that often anymore and try to learn how to forgive and move on.

It is essential so I am not getting a bitter lonely person ( and boy am I on my way there...) and therefore I would be interested in that email you send. I try to figure things out in August as I got plenty of time then to think, heal work on myself. A month away from home, just sports and no god damn cigarettes should get me back into shape body and mindwise

[okiedokiestomp]

I just don't know how you can leave without saying or very least write a thank you card to two people who let you stay in their home and did nothing wrong. She even ran into my mom and sister 6 weeks post breakup and acted very cold and not very friendly. It just shows you who people really are how they act after breakups. QUOTE]

 

shame and embarrassment are most probably at the core of the post breakup actions you describe, although she will never show them to you (pride). People like this have to put up a wall to keep others out and convince themselves that you are the problem b/c the truth is too painful, too unbearable for them to face...ego is a very powerful thing...it lies and sometimes we choose the lies over reality to protect ourselves..

[GenoGeno]

quite a cold response in my opinion.

[Philabonia]

Hate that I still think about her - even overseas, on vacation, I think about her daily. I can't even remember specifics of her and I, but I just miss something about her. I used to have specifics, but its almost like I'm so used to missing her that it's become part of me. Yeah, she's cold and she's moved on and did so long ago, but that doesn't mean my mind has given up all of her yet. So strange - your conscious psyche can write someone off, but as soon as emotion is introduced, your subconscious starts pulling from the ethos and reminding you of things that no longer hold any value in your life. Sometimes, I think we are too smart for our own good.

[okiedokiestomp]

So strange - your conscious psyche can write someone off, but as soon as emotion is introduced, your subconscious starts pulling from the ethos and reminding you of things that no longer hold any value in your life. Sometimes, I think we are too smart for our own good.

 

I read that the subconscious never sleeps and doesn't know the difference b/t fantasy thought and reality..that is, to your subconscious there is no difference...to the subconscious it's all reality.

[Philabonia]

I read that the subconscious never sleeps and doesn't know the difference b/t fantasy thought and reality..that is, to your subconscious there is no difference...to the subconscious it's all reality.

 

If thats the case, im much more confused than i thought i was - shes all over my dreams. Maybe thats why i have such a hard time forgetting her.

[Purple Socks]

I just ended a 7 year relationship because he could not commit to me and felt "trapped." I finally got tired of being the only one trying and I realized that if after 7 years he didn't know what he wanted, then he never will. I called him last week just to clear up some things and get closure and he responded in such a similar way. He acted like I had simply told him to change brands of toothpaste, not end a 7 year relationship! The most he said was "You had some good points. It is what it is." and his ever famous "I don't know." Really, it just made me feel like I did the right thing. If he can be so emotionless after that much of a life change, then I don't want to be with him anyway. Stay strong. There is someone better out there for both of us.

[dabbledave]

If thats the case, im much more confused than i thought i was - shes all over my dreams. Maybe thats why i have such a hard time forgetting her.

 

You loved this person once. Subconsciously, maybe you still do. Of course you cannot forget someone you love or once loved. That would be colder than her reply to you.

 

So don't worry about not forgetting. You've healed with your head held high and with love in your heart.

 

That just shows you're a good guy and will be a great catch for the girl lucky enough to earn a piece of your heart.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[Philabonia]

You loved this person once. Subconsciously, maybe you still do. Of course you cannot forget someone you love or once loved. That would be colder than her reply to you.

 

So don't worry about not forgetting. You've healed with your head held high and with love in your heart.

 

That just shows you're a good guy and will be a great catch for the girl lucky enough to earn a piece of your heart.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

 

Thanks, DD - that means a lot. I tried so hard to come out of this a better person, and though I do feel a bit jaded, I definitely am much more worldly, and able to put things in perspective. I think everyone needs something like this to happen to them, to make them realize how to treat people they love, and grow up in general.

 

I do still love her, I just wish I was able to turn the page with much less internal friction. You see, I, for once, was trying to go against the grain, and not "get over someone by getting under someone else." That was my M.O. for years, and I kind of wanted to do this organically. Though it is much, much harder, I think you learn more about yourself and life in general this way.