Jack3d Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I'm having an issue motivating my girlfriend to stay in shape. We've been together almost a year now. I'm 30, she's 31, and we've always had a great relationship. She used to be a knockout and would turn every head in the room. She would take part in bikini contests and win all of them, and it wasn't even close. Over the passed few months, since it's gotten hot as hell here in Houston, she won't exercise, eat right, and just stresses out about everything imaginable, mainly finances. She used to run 1 mile every day, 5-6 times a week. That's all she needed. She never ever lifted weights either, she just didn't feel the need to. Now all she does is sit on the couch when she's not working (she's a nurse) and * * * * * about the weight she's gaining and that her flat tummy is just flubber now. You know, it's true, she's getting fat. She gets mad at me when I tell her to start running again or simply suggest exercises that she could do indoors. I mean, why should I know what I'm talking about, I've only been training people for 8 years now. She won't do supplements, won't exercise, and just complains all day. She has no motivation and I'm sick of it. It's to the point that she won't even have sex with me anymore because she's disgusted about her body image. I've broken up with her twice in the passed 4 months b/c of this, but I may just do it again and this time permanently. I try to lead by example because I have a routine and I'm in the gym 5-6 days a week and staying in tip top shape. What can I do to motivate her, any ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 You've broken up twice and reconciled, that isn't going to help motivate her. If anything she probably feels like it's all a lost cause anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giggity Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Nothing. Let her go for someone that accepts her for her. Go and find some bikini model. Seriously, if she doesn't want to workout, why should she? Not everybodies priority is to live in the gym, and stay in tip-top shape. Stop telling her what to do, and trying to shape her into YOUR idea of hot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack3d Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Holy crap, did I say I was trying to shape her? The bikini contests were HER idea, not mine. I didn't like her doing them. SHE'S the one complaining about her weight to me all the time and not doing anything about it. I'm not trying to change anything! She stopped doing things that she loved to do. Don't turn this around on me, that's complete BS. Edited to add: And I'm a great boyfriend. I am always telling her how beautiful she is and complimenting her, sending her flowers, and treating her like a princess. She's the one that's lost interest in everything including sex. I still want to have it because I think she's beautiful. So again, don't turn it around on me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 It's to the point that she won't even have sex with me anymore because she's disgusted about her body image. I've broken up with her twice in the passed 4 months b/c of this, but I may just do it again and this time permanently. I try to lead by example because I have a routine and I'm in the gym 5-6 days Why did you break up with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack3d Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Why did you break up with her? Because she lost interest in sex and was negative about practically everything imaginable. She was stressing me out, so I needed a break. I love her with all of my heart, but sometimes time apart is good and it worked pretty well, but once again, things are back to the way they were before. I don't have any issues, it's her negativity and lack of motivation to do anything. She's admitted it, but once again, she won't do anything about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elcie Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Is this the first time your girlfriend has had a problem with weight gain, or is this part of a cycle of weight loss/weight gain? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Irulan Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I'd say that she is depressed, and you dumped her over it! Why? When two people are together it's not always an easy road. I'm sorry, I don't know why you and she just suddenly ended, but it sounds like you have. Angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theniceone Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I read your previous post. She never relaly had a strong interest in sex while she was with you, her weight seemed to have suddenly changed (back in may she was in great shape according to your posts) and she is stressed out. She may be going through a depression or her other problems make it difficult for her to focus on her appearance like she used to. i would think helping her remove the source of her stress would be the first step. She may then go back to normal on her own Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack3d Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Is this the first time your girlfriend has had a problem with weight gain, or is this part of a cycle of weight loss/weight gain? It's a cycle and she usually exercises and really gets after it on the track, but this time she just doesn't care. She rather b*tch, moan, and do nothing about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack3d Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 I read your previous post. She never relaly had a strong interest in sex while she was with you, her weight seemed to have suddenly changed (back in may she was in great shape according to your posts) and she is stressed out. She may be going through a depression or her other problems make it difficult for her to focus on her appearance like she used to. i would think helping her remove the source of her stress would be the first step. She may then go back to normal on her own The sex thing had actually gotten better, but now we're back to square 1. The main source of her stress is finances and those won't be removed for a few more years. I'm trying to not put any pressure on her at the moment, especially about sex. That'll just make things worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wicked6018 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 when you say she is getting fat, what do you mean by fat? like, how much does she weigh? do you really love her for HER, or did you love her for her bikini model body? that's the most important thing you have to ask yourself. if you really love someone, you love them no matter WHAT. no matter what they look like. as others have said, she does sound depressed, and that's when she would need you most. i don't understand why she is complaining about her body when she is not doing the work to be in shape, but it could be depression. i don't know. bottom line though, do you truly love her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I think you need to cut her some slack. Nursing is a tough job, she's on her feet all day, as well as the stress that the job entails. 'm not trying to change anything! She stopped doing things that she loved to do. Don't turn this around on me, that's complete BS. Yes, you are trying to change her. Loving someone involves accepting a person for who they are, and realizing that the best qualities come from within. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theniceone Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 The sex thing had actually gotten better, but now we're back to square 1. The main source of her stress is finances and those won't be removed for a few more years. I'm trying to not put any pressure on her at the moment, especially about sex. That'll just make things worse. She needs help coping with them. May I ask you what they are? (bankrupcy?) (you are speaking to a finance professional here lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elcie Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 It's a cycle and she usually exercises and really gets after it on the track, but this time she just doesn't care. She rather b*tch, moan, and do nothing about it. This is really something I can relate to! In fact, your girlfriend is going to have to deal with this always. When you are losing weight, you feel motivated, in control and happy; conversely, when you are gaining weight, you lose that motivation, feel that you are out of control and depression can affect every aspect of your life. This is HER journey! Any suggestions you make will feel like criticisms! The best thing you can do to help her is to make her feel that you love her and find her attractive whatever her size. Without the burden of her feeling like she is letting you down, the conditions will be better for her to get her motivation back - but this will take time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack3d Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 I've been cutting her slack since day 1. I'm not going to post every single thing about the relationship on here. She wasn't a bikini model when I met her, she turned herself into it. I love her for who she is, I always have. She's normally in the 110-115 lb range, but right now she's in the 135 lb range (she's 5'3) and noticeably pudgy. I'm not the only oen who's noticed, her friends have as well. As for finances, she's stressed out about just the normal stuff: car payments, insurance, house payments, credit cards, etc. As for work, she only works 3 days a week, every 2nd day usually, so she has the time to do other things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theniceone Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 hummm... all this has happened before (your previous posts). Is she sill off her antidepression medication or did she have a change in Rx. I think you know very well it is most about her depression/anxiety disorder. There is no quick fix for this. Quite surprised you did not mention it in this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giggity Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Whatever. The way you are coming accross in your posts,make me think you're all about the looks. You basically sound like you expect her to be a gym rat, just because you are. I think you should be looking at the bigger picture here. She may well be depressed from what you have posted. Isn't that more imprtant than her putting on weight? I think you care about her body more than you're now trying to let on. After my reply you seemed to try and play the concerned boyfriend. Your original post did not potray that at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack3d Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 hummm... all this has happened before (your previous posts). Is she sill off her antidepression medication or did she have a change in Rx. I think you know very well it is most about her depression/anxiety disorder. There is no quick fix for this. Quite surprised you did not mention it in this thread. She got back on the wellbutrin and has been doing fine since. Lower dosage, less mood swings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theniceone Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 My sister has been diagnosed with depression for the pas 15 years! her weight keeps changing and it is all because of the meds! it is all quite sudden too. In a month she can take/lose 20 pounds. i would certainly look further into the Rx. maybe there is something else better for her. Of course it affected her libido negatively as well. Offer her support and maybe have a casual discussion about the Rx if you have not already done so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 That's not very nice. You aren't going to find many people wanting to help if you are nasty to them. Your original post did come off as you ridiculing her body. Now maybe you didn't mean for it to come out that way and I know for a fact when we are stressed about something, it's easy to just type away and then the damage is done. You mentioned she's on antidepressants?? Those can kill a sex drive like nothing else. Just something to think about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Moderator Note: Please be respectful, and avoid personal attacks when posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitkat973 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I don't think that it's unrealistic for you to be frustrated about this. You said that you've been advising people on fitness goals for eight years, and her attitude sounds off-putting. There are reasons in your post that have nothing to do with the way she looks and everything to do with how she feels about herself and how she's interacting with the world. Depression has been mentioned- exercise is actually fantastic for depression. Have you offered to work out with her, or asked her to join you on a run? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jfly Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Wow, that's a tough spot you're in. You obviously love her... but being with someone who is negative and unmotivated is not healthy for you, either. It's not unreasonable to want your girlfriend/spouse to be healthy, fit and attractive to you. The difficult thing is if she is completely unmotivated, I don't know if there is anything YOU can do to make her want to get engaged with life again and live a healthy lifestyle. Honestly, it sounds like she is depressed. She probably doesn't even realize it. I would suggest counseling. If she does not want to, you might want to consider a more serious separation without quickly reconciling right away. Sometimes a wake-up call is necessary for personal growth and beneficial for long term relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovelace Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 In my experience, you cannot do anything to motivate her. SHE has to be ready to do it, mind, body, and soul, or it won't happen. In the meantime, is there anything you can do to help her financially? Maybe a different antidepressant will help. I have to admit that your original post sounded like all you cared about was having a girlfriend you could brag about and have on display (whether the activities were your choice or hers doesn't matter; it's pretty commonly stated by men that they prefer to have hot girlfriends so they can show her off to their male friends). That may not be the real reason, but it sounds like a part of the reason. You have a choice: You can help her through this in the thick-n-thin kind of way, or you can leave her. It's up to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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