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This is killing me - But I cant tell her


1m50L0nl3y

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I dont know if this is related to my birthday next week. Im just depressed.

For the first time in 9 months Im completely unhappy. I feel lost, I look at the mirror and I dont recognize that man, i hear my thoughts and is so not me. I dont know who or what I've became. I dont know what to do. I cant speak, I must keep it to myself, its my best interest to not display how weak I really am, if I open my big mouth the only thing I will hear back is nonsense.

I have constant headache and stomachache that wont go away, the only thing I do is smoke day and night. Grown up men dont cry, and Im refusing to let my tears come out, but just for tonight I will, not because of my sadness but because Im angry. If only she could see me while I do it I know she would realize that theres noone in this universe who cares more. But she will never know. How do you even start a conversation about your feelings without looking crazy? How to call someone and cry over the phone? Its unnaceptable, wrong, pointless, pathetic. I need to stay inside of my room and without witnesses.

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