My second 'public' journal.

[r0ckox]

After giving this some thought, I've decided that I'm going to start a new journal. The first one had the right idea when I started it, and I did keep it constant for about 4 months or so, so I'm half-way proud of it. But towards the end, it got a little crazy. It got that way because my emotions were not in check and at the time, I was feeling like everything was lost in the world.

 

I don't recommend anyone search my posts and look through it - but I know by saying that, people will.

It does show a bit of a crazy side of me, but I can assure you all - and myself, that I'm not the crazy one here. In fact, I'm the most normal person I've ever met. The realest, that's for sure.

 

So, in reality.. I want to post all the good things here. I want to talk about how happy I've been, how things at work since being promoted to manager (foreman if you will) are working out great, how things have picked up and I'm proud of the people in my life...how my love life has turned around, and so on.

Unfortunately, those are all fantasies.

 

Reality?

I haven't been happy. Happier, yes - but not happy. Things at work haven't been so great since being promoted. I'm a little overwhelmed and it's hurting my reputation. Things have not picked up and I'm not proud of the people in my life...my love life has not turned around, and so on.

 

In fact, it's Thursday night and I'm sitting here writing in this journal, drinking alcohol to surpass the time. That's nothing new, though. I've been known to do this on a very regular basis within the last year or two. I have calmed down recently, as in the last couple months.. but every now and then you can find me here back up to my old tricks.

 

I guess we should start with the "catching up" phase..

 

Lately things have been somewhat OKAY. Not good, not great, not bad, not crappy...but okay. I've been in a much better mood, and only get down and depressed once in a while. The depression doesn't last long, usually a couple hours and then it goes away. I'm happy to announce that it's a good thing. I can remember this time last year when it would last for days upon weeks. Hell, it was like that just a couple months ago. I suppose I'm feeling a little bit that way right now, though. I spent the last 45 minutes looking at my pretty-much-inactive-facebook-page, and decided to look at my old wall posts and then click on the "see friendship" link, to read what we've all said to each other. As I read some of these posts, I can literally remember where I was and what I was doing when a lot of these were posted, and it all seems like just yesterday. I can remember posts from the summer of 2009 where I'd have conversations with Jade and Sean, and remember where I was and what I was thinking and how things were back then.

It saddens me a little bit to see that things aren't what they use to be. But thats just how it goes around here... things change.

I guess things change for a reason, and now 90% of the people I use to converse with via facebook, I don't even associate with anymore. I will always find a reason to end a friendship, or to say "this is just useless" and not talk to them again.

 

I spent some time today thinking about the old Crook-Set crew. Thinking about how young and dumb I was to ever get involved with them again after I came home from my Jail bid. It bothers me to think that I was able to get roped back into a lifestyle that literally put me away. Every now and then I still think of the boys. Polo, Jose, Jonny, Chris, Jay -- and I wonder what they're up to now. If I know anyone like I knew them, I can guess that they're sitting around getting drunk and talking sh*t about something. In the 8 years I've known them, nothing ever changed. It was the same sh*t... day in and day out.

I'm happy that I was finally able to put that part of my life behind me. It was dreadful, almost toxic to live those days.. especially after I got bailed out of jail and they were all plotting behind my back while smiling in my face. I can still remember Greg trying to "G me up" and convince me that he was on my side, when really - he would have sh*t on me in a heartbeat had he gotten the chance. I remember one time a couple years ago when he called me at random and said he wanted to talk to me and to meet up with him. When I got there he tried to tell me that Polo wrote him a letter from jail saying he wanted me to write to him so we could talk... I never did write polo, and I can remember when he came home he couldn't even look at me - which proves my point. Greg was on some snake-eyes 2-faced sh*t, and was just trying to cause drama. But that's how all these idiots were. They feed off it.

Like I said, I'm glad that point in my life is over.

 

I think, and hope, that I've finally ended things with A. once and for all. Over the last 2 years, it's literally been to hell and back with her. From all the times she blew me off and ignored me while I was just trying to understand, to the lies and the bullsh*t, and heartache and confusion I felt from her words and actions. She always contradicted herself, and I don't think she ever understood, or will ever understand how it's affected me. She was the girl that's hurt me the most in my life... she was the one I was willing to drop the walls for. Hell, I did drop the walls. I told her what I really felt about her, and she said nothing to me about it...ever. She knew why we started talking again, and just decided to play her little mind games. When I think about it, I think she's a lot like me. I think she wanted it, but was too scared to give it a try, and just didn't know how to communicate it properly. I'm the same way in most aspects. I think I'm good to go, then get scared when things start to progress. Communication is key, and had she told me that in the beginning - maybe things would have turned out differently.

 

Sometimes, I regret ending things again, but in all reality.. it was the best thing for me. I was hurting myself all the time, and talking to her was just bringing me down even more. I loved the girl, but she didn't love me back. She didn't even give me a fair chance.

I'm really angry at her, and I have been since October 2009. Sometimes I wish she understood what I was thinking, and really GOT why I am the way I am with her, but I know in my heart that she never will.

I don't like that I didn't even show any concern for her telling me she has brain cancer, but that's only because I don't really believe it. As f*cked up as that sounds, it's the truth. I think it was just a ruse to guilt me into talking to her and being back in her life after ignoring her for 2 months.

Yeah, I ignored her... but I was never a piece of sh*t to her, like she claims I was. The girl played with my heart and my emotions, even after I tried to end things multiple times. I only did what I thought I had to do to move on... that's not being a piece of sh*t, it's looking out for myself.

What else was I supposed to do? I told her how unhappy I was, and she showed no interest or concern for how I was feeling. I told her I thought we needed to end the friendship and she called me a psycho, said I was crazy and insane and so on. I had to stop it. I hope to god I finally have, for good.

 

Sigh.

 

I don't really know anymore, though. Things are okay, but there's still a hint of sadness that lurks around me. Over time, it'll be 100% healed and I'll be able to post with confidence on a regular basis about how things are good again....

 

but until then....

 

Here's to it.

 

Salute.

[r0ckox]

What the hell?

[r0ckox]

I'm actually going to update this tonight!

[r0ckox]

Well, that failed. I had a whole post written out and my browser crashed.

[r0ckox]

It's been a while since I've showed my face here. I didn't forget about it, but just haven't had the "time" to sit here and vent it all out.

I guess that's what tonight's for.

 

So, as usual - I'm sitting here with some Jack, just hanging out and reflecting on the way things have been going.

There's a part of me that's happy. My old man went away last week and I was left to run the shop all by myself. I think I did okay. We got a lot of cars out this week, although I could have gotten more done... but that's how it goes when you're running things and only have 5 months under your belt.

It's gonna take time until I can run things 100% and be content with how everything is going, and all I gotta do is wait it out. Experience is key. I'll gain it.

 

As for the rest, I'm still in a small rut and don't know what to do yet. I'm pretty much just waiting to go back to jail. In August I got a DWI while still on probation for an attempted robbery case. I did 4 months for that case back in 2008, and had a 5 year stint of probation. I violated the terms of that by getting arrested again.

Stupid me.

Everyone around me knew it was gonna happen.... they told my old man that I was a "DWI waiting to happen" - which was true. I was drinking very often and it was affecting everything around me, but I didn't know what else to do. I was hurt.. real bad. I was depressed. I had a rough year and a half with A, the girl who I thought was going to be "the girl" in my life. Turned out that it wasn't like that - so I handled it the wrong way.

 

Now, I'm paying for it. I'm probably going to do another "6" months. I put the 6 in quotes because I'll only do 4 of them. For every 30 days, you get 10 days good time - so do the math. 6 month sentence, 4 months inside.

 

I don't want to go back to jail, but there's no stopping it. I deserve it.

I'm hoping that maybe that'll wake my ass up and when I get out, I'll have grown up again.... but the problem is, it'll only last so long until I fall back into old habits. That's how it was the first time... I came home and did good for about a year, but then started going backwards again. I got used to being free. I forgot what it was like to have those cuffs on me. Forgot what it was like to get stripped down and patted after a jail visit. I forgot what it was like to wait for commissary every week.

In fact, I forgot what it was like to have everything you love and care about taken away from you.

 

And now I'm paying for it again.

 

So, here I sit - drink in hand, reflecting.

 

I'm upset at how I turned out. I had the world by the balls, yet here I sit depressed and upset.. and it's my own fault.

Everyone told me stuff, and I didn't listen. Once again I thought I knew it all, and did things my own way. Dealt with sh*t my own way. Well, maybe my way was wrong?

I guess so.

 

I still talk to A sometimes. It's not healthy for me, but I continue on with it anyway. Over the years, I've spent a lot of time talking to others about our "situation" and always got the same answers. I've made attempts at ending our "friendship" multiple times over the last 2 years. Never got me very far, because either she, or myself would always come back after a month or so of not speaking to each other.

I love the girl, it's that simple. It's hard to let go of what you love, but what was there to love in the first place? We have nothing in common. No decent memories. We never spend time together. We've lied to each other, played games with each other, and made each other miserable...... what's there to love?

 

Why do I love this girl? She was never there for me. When I was down and depressed after she turned me down officially, where was she? She never talked to me... instead she called me a psycho and a girl because I told her that I wanted her to forget I exist so I could move on and find happiness somewhere else.

She never did anything to show me that I mattered to her.... so why do I even care?

 

That depresses me the most... but there's nothing I can do about it. She made her choice, and I'm stuck sitting here thinking about it every night, blaming myself.... cause I do. I blame myself for all this. I should have never bothered, and never tried to get close again. But, that's what I get for it - it's always been that way... with everyone.

 

But, enough about her. For now, I'm gonna stick to my plan and be distant.

 

After almost 5 months of not talking to T, I sent him a facebook message today which contained a link to the video "Dmx - Here we go again" and had a caption underneath it saying "See if you can read between the lines" - in hopes that maybe he'll learn how much of a stupid dude he is. We've been friends since 2002 and he keeps screwing it up... I'm hoping that maybe he'll learn how much of an idiot he is and will change his childish ways.

I doubt he will, as he is who he is.

 

I don't plan on ever starting a friendship with him again, but I just thought I'd try and teach him a life lesson. We'll see if he has the balls to respond.

 

Anyway, I guess everything else is O.K - I'm just a little lost, but I know that with some time, I'll get myself out of it.

 

Till then..