Death and Dying questions...

[sisterlynch]

Hello everyone,

 

I am interested in people's understanding and feelings about death and dying and I am looking for interesting ideas for my own studies of grief and loss.

 

If there is anyone that can help me out by telling me of their own experiences with the death of a loved one, or if there are any members who deal with death on a regular basis that I could talk to through PM's or on the open forum, I would be very interested in your views of the processes of grief, the feelings of moving through life into death, and how to recover following a tragedy in your life.

 

All ages or religious inspirations are welcome.

 

Thank you in advance for any ideas and inspiration that come from this thread.

[hardcore]

hello dear .

 

i have died once . i know what your thinking yhea rigth lol.

but its the truth . i never seen the ligth or a tunnal like some say .

but as i felt my last breath leave my body it felt good . Sure every thing was dark as the ligth left my eyes . But i have no fear of death . frankly i was disapointed in the whole thing . when i woke up in the bed i still felt the same piece i can remember that i couldn't feel my legs at all so weird .

it scared me a littel but thing came back into foce's as i jumped up out of the bed .but the feeling i got was one that i still feel today one of great disappointment . that it was not over but then aging i could be just crazy lol hope this gives you some help 8)

[abcd1234]

I would be willing to discuss this via PM.

 

abcd1234

[kimberly31]

My brother died when I was 13. He was only sick for 2 weeks and in hospital for 11 days. He was 2 years older than I.

 

People say that time heals and I think I understand why that expression is used but I think it is more because you don't have constant daily reminders about them and life changes so you get distracted. It has been 18 years now but the pain can come just as hard and fresh, just not as often.

 

I went into shock or hiding for 2 yrs after he died. I was still in school, but anytime I wasn't doing school work, I was hiding somewhere at recess. I think probably to think and not face people trying to comfort me. Life has to go on. I have 2 younger sisters, one was just 3 so my family had to keep going for each other. I am fortunate to have a close family. For about 15 yrs after I would have an emotional breakdown(or a crying jag) each year on the day of his death. I think my mother went through the same thing but we didn't talk about it.

 

It wasn't until about the age of 25 that I think I finally dealt with it. I found a really close friend that I could talk to about it. She has helped me through a lot of hard times.

 

I don't know if that is what you are looking for but I hope I helped.

[Shinobie]

To me if i die i die...It doesnt me anything to me because that means i was a pathetic loser who was never gonna have anythign good in his life such as a gf which is what my mind is always focused on iono why.

[KBlade]

I lost my brother last year, almost exactly a year ago now infact. He commited suicide. Me and him never were very close and rarely ever talked when not arguing, we fought all the time physically. He was older than me so I often came out the worst. When I was told about his death I went in to a period of shock that lasted a while. I couldn't cry, this made me avoid my family because I was ashamed of that. I was meant to start university just 2 weeks later but didn't go. I spent practically a month in bed talking to no one thinking about killing myself. I thought that I was "dead inside" and heartless which really got me down. I never actually attempted it but I went so far as having a kitchen knife in my room and promising myself that I would do it tonight but I just kept putting it off. I also had an eating disorder where I lost a lot of weight.

 

Things began to change though when I moved to live with my mother and stepdad which was hundreds of miles away. Getting away from all the familiar places that reminded me of him helped a lot and I made friends with this girl online who I have become very close to. She helped me lots because I have never really opened out to anyone until I met her and she has made me focus on the future instead of the past. My health improved and my under weight prob went. Also that I can love (i have a thing for her but thats a whole other story ).

 

Quite recently though my mother and sister have had to move back to my home town so now its just me and my stepdad (its complex). Anyway, my mother kept wanting to talk about my brother all the time and had pictures of him around the house which got to me and I think it stopped me from moving on. Now though they are gone and there are no reminders of him anywhere around and it may make me sound cold but it makes it so much easier for me to look ahead.

 

I don't think about the afterlife. Whatever happens to people when they die happens. There is nothing you can do in life to change that and no way you can possibly know or discover what happens without dying. It sounds flat I know but you should think about living not dying.

 

As you can tell I'm not religious

[RayKay]

Two years ago, my boyfriend of five years died rather suddenly. A few months before, they had found blood clots in his brain which were causing a severe, permanent headache but they cured them with drug therapy. A few months later he was back on track, back in university almost completing his B. Comm when he got headaches again. Scans found nothing, suddenly he had a cerebral hemorrhage (massive one in frontal lobe). They operated, but he never woke up from the drug induced coma, and he died five days later when swelling suddenly rose and crushed his brain stem.

 

He was 2 weeks shy of his 26th birthday.

 

I was in shock. I had just gotten to the hospital after it happened to visit (I went every day for hours and hours), when I learned. I remember falling to the floor, not being able to stop crying. I went to tell his roomate, and took a bunch of his clothes, etc to keep the smell, the memory. I woke up every day reliving it. Just a week before he had been in my bed fine as can be!

 

His mother was not very kind towards me, though his father (they were divorced) was great and I gave him an artwork I had given to my bf. We had a service here, then I travelled to another province for the one where his dad lived as well. I remember feeling like he was still with me in some way. I remember being fortunate he had not woken up from his coma, as he would of likely been severely damaged forever.

 

It was incredibly hard to go through. I felt like a widow at 22 years of age. He was my life, my future, so much of my past. He was, and still is, my angel. My family was wonderful, but I lost a lot of friends, since they did not know how to handle it themselves - they were used to us together and did not know what to say, or do, or felt uncomfortable I think.

 

The experience has made me stronger, and also more aware of what is important in life. I cherish people, and relationships with the people I love above all else. This can be a detriment at times though - and why some people do not seem to understand why it is so important that I remain friends with my ex for example and keep in contact with him when he said goodbye, and instead am friends with him (as he wants also). Because I KNOW in my heart that he and I are meant to be together and are soulmates whatever happens, I know from past experience, and I know because I value him as a person too much to CHOOSE to lose him forever like that. I did not have the choice before, I do now. And I cannot explain HOW I know, I just DO...it is a faith I have. Sometimes I get doubts, but the faith is so strong.

 

It has also made me far more patient, far less worried about the little things. I am more compassionate and tolerant. It also really affected however my career goals....I have not really been happy in any job since..there is so much I want to do and go back to school for but do not have the money.

 

As for my spirituality - I have never been religious, though always had an feeling there was "something" more. Now, I believe very much in spirituality, but no specific deities...I just believe there are higher powers in the universe, in nature, in the human spirit, that we are all tied together somehow. I believe in magick, and psychic powers, and healing. I believe love is the greatest power of all. I believe my deceased bf is with me somehow, in some way. That one never really is gone forever, not as long as you keep them alive in your heart. I still have many memories of him, both in my mind and physical ones but I do not look at them or think of them in sadness. I just wish more people could of met him, as he was a truly wonderful soul - a friend to everyone, a great wit and a true angel.

 

I felt very alone when it happened, but in time I loved again, I loved stronger than before and found an even greater love (with my ex) and I believe with all my heart that there is a reason for that. And that is also why I am not so easily willing to give up on my ex. Because this is part of my journey too. He and I are in different emotional stages, but that does not mean he and I are not meant to be together. I believe this, I believe with patience, and love, there is nothing that will stand in the way. And I have an angel to help me along the way

[sonjam]

I lost my finacee in a motorcycle crash. It was not his fault, but tha'ts not going to bring him back. We wer living together for 2 years, had a business from home, and were doing ok. Most important thing is we were happy. He was married to a woman 10 years before, and had a 10 year old boy, which we got to see every 2nd weekend. We had our wills made out, but it was still at the legal guys to be signed when he crashed.

 

My whole world fell appart. We lost our car a month before the crash to a technician of ours, driving drunk. In 2 months I lost my house, my business, my car, my motorbike and my love. You basically go numb. The human brain is an amazing thing. This loss is so big that you cannot actually wrap you mind around it, so what happens is your brain protects you from it. The grief comes through the sheet of mist in your mind in bits and pieces, so you are able to deal with it bit by bit. I did not use any antideressants or any other medication, so I know exactly what I went through. Sometimes when I slept, I would wake up, and not know what happened for just a few precious seconds, and then it would come over me again like a tidalwave. But in those few hours of sleep and the few seconds, your brain recharge enough to carry you through the next few hours of grief.

 

I also withdrew from life, but thank G*d for fantastic circle of friends. In the first few weeks following his death, my best friends would not leave me allone. They took turns in waiting by my bedside, day and night. Later, they invited me along everywhere, and if I cried and could not go, (this acutally happened) my one friend and her husband came to my house, she packed my bag and he physically picked me up, and carried me out the house over his shoulder (kicking and screaming). They could not have done it any better. It showed me life goes on, and it helped me not to loose touch with people around me.

 

I went to church and they hooked me up with other berieved souls. I can say this - there is a lot of depression going around! It felt better sharing my pain with people that went through the same or similar experience, but it felt like coping with their depression and sadness was pulling me under, and I was just barely staying afloat!

 

You sort of lose meaning in life. I mean, what is it all for? You fall in love, have a child (or a few) and build a life, but inevitably you die, and all that you love die too!

I stared into that truth for awhile, and could not carry on with my life, what's the point?

 

It took awhile to realise - life is not a destination (death) but the journey. Now that makes sense. I would do it all again to be able to feel the love, I did feel, and have the child and experience it. That is what we are here for, not to mourn the loss of life, but to have experienced life and love. All this happened to me 4 years ago.

 

I have a new husband and a precious 6 month old daughter of my own now. And I (again) don't think I would be able to live or breathe, if something had to happen to them, but like I say, the human mind is a wonderfull thing. I try to enjoy them everyday, as if it is our last, and tell them everyday that I love them. Becouse of experiencing death, my life has a better quality and deeper meaning.

[jessicalee]

hi

well i haven't died personally but some loved ones have unfortunately,

in my opinoin i think it is really strange that a person you have known for so long and have many memories with, see them maybe everyday even hug them.. can just suddenly be gone...its like they have been deleted out of your own life, even though we all know they will always be with you in your heart and they are watching over you! but i just think its really weird! i mean they once were there and now they are just not anymore.. like when a person had chosen to be cremated for when they are gone..they are now simply dust.

 

I'm sorry if this makes anyone upset or anything but does anyone ever feel like that or had thought of anything like that?

[stardust65]

It is weird that they are now all of a sudden so completely gone, I lost my bf a little over a month ago and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. I looked after him in his final days right up until he had lost his mind completely and didn't know who I was or even where he was. It was only then that I handed him over to palliative care. He died less than 24 hours later. For him at least, his mind was so gone he didn't really realize he was dying, and I feel I lost him about a day or so before his body game out.

[quirky]

I lost a very close friend 2 months ago, he was only 32. Just died in his sleep. One of those friends that you know you'd be friends forever and you'd help each other grow.

It has been a profound experience, life has changed forever. The shock of somebody being here one day and the next he's gone. A lot of people say about death 'That goes to show that you should savour every moment because you don't know how long you've got'. For me it has had the opposite effect, it all seems rather futile. I used to appreciate life before so I didn't quite need a lesson, it has just put a fear in me. I find it hard to be motivated to accomplish my dreams because they don't matter.

 

My aim is to somehow come to terms with the idea of death.

[stardust65]

 

I am not sure why you would think that especially what you have gone through with your friend. What about coming to terms with the idea of life? I mean this is your life, you have been given an amazing gift, but it is up to you to decide how you want to use it.

[quirky]

Yes, I see what you mean. I am usually a positive person. I don't know how this has affected me this way. Him going so suddely, so young..Life seems so incredibly short it's not even worth the effort kinda thing. I will get bereavement councelling to try and understand it.