lostwithouther Posted July 24, 2011 Author Share Posted July 24, 2011 My question is why would she want to come over to hurt me and then disappear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaKings55 Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 I don't think he's playing games nor is he acting like a child. That's how emotions work, they come in waves. One minute he's got it under control, the next, in a moment of weakness he feels like he's coming apart. You could say that he's lying to himself which is usually referred to as "denial" but hey that's how the mind works, we don't heal in a linear way, there's lots of ups and downs along the way. He still needs support and guidance, give him a break. Eventually he'll figure it out that he's in a toxic situation and he'll pull himself out of it, assuming she doesn't leave first. To do that he could use some reminders from his forum buddies. Well tresqua, I'd agree but he seems to ignore it so i say let him make those mistakes. And as far as acting as a child, he himself posts that "this is my child talking." That's what leads me to believe he's playing games. It all just seems like one big joke to me. He posted an agreement with you that I won't even reply to, but the fact is he'll do what he wants and ignore any advice. So if he wants to keep being used for sex in the hopes that she'll come back to him, then let him. I don't mean to be harsh or cruel, I'm just calling this one as I see it. I'm no expert in psychology, but my job requires me to know when someone is b***s******* me, and from my experiences, this dude is doing just that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaKings55 Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 My question is why would she want to come over to hurt me and then disappear? Ok, I'll bite. Does it even matter? It's called using someone. People do it everyday. Can't you stop and think about the notion that maybe, you didn't mean as much to her as you thought you did. I know we all think that when we meet someone and hit it off, that our love will be "one for the ages" but sadly it's not. Everyday people break each other's hearts. You are not alone, your situation is not unique. Get over her, forget about her, move far away, and never speak to her again. Cry, mope about, do what you have to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnoliatree Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 My question is why would she want to come over to hurt me and then disappear? It doesn't matter and you aren't ever going to understand why she does what she does. And even IF you did, that understanding won't give you the ability to do and say the pefect things to get her back. You've fallen down the rabbit hole, and it's time climb out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tresqua Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 My question is why would she want to come over to hurt me and then disappear? It could be a power and control thing, her using you like a dog gives her a feeling of superiority, maybe she's always been a doormat for someone else and it's payback time, maybe she resents you because she blames you for the failure of the relationship going bad, and again, she's getting even. Or maybe it's "innocent". The sex feels good, it's safe, familiar, and comfortable, and since she's emotionally over you it doesn't bother her in the least to walk out the door after she's got her needs met. Either she has no clue how hurt you are by it or she just doesn't care. For all practical reasons it really doesn't matter which one it is, or whether it's all of the above, some of the above, or none of the above. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostwithouther Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 LAKing, Why are you getting upset? It is a unique situation because it is happening to me. I am confused like everyone else going through their own problems and I support everyone on here, please be respectful of my problems I am having. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_Unknown2005 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 2 options Option 1: Continue being a ego boost for your ex until she finds someone else then kicks you to the curb Option 2: Get her out of you life and grow a backbone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oasiswater Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 OP, I just went through this whole thread for the first time and I watched your emotions literally hit EVERY end of the spectrum. You're all over the map. You're not as calm and as collected as you pretend to be, you don't have anything figured out, and this is a classic case that repeats itself everywhere. Girl dumps guy, guy is heartbroken. Girl comes back for sex, guy pretends to be tough and move on, ends up falling for her again. Guy is heartbroken. Shut her out, and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaKings55 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 OP, I just went through this whole thread for the first time and I watched your emotions literally hit EVERY end of the spectrum. You're all over the map. You're not as calm and as collected as you pretend to be, you don't have anything figured out, and this is a classic case that repeats itself everywhere. Girl dumps guy, guy is heartbroken. Girl comes back for sex, guy pretends to be tough and move on, ends up falling for her again. Guy is heartbroken. Shut her out, and move on. THIS!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be respectful when you stop posting garbage. Either you have deep, deep personality and emotional issues, in which case we can't help you, or you're playing a game. No one, and I mean no one I've ever met or heard about flashes so quickly between emotions. You have two options here buddy. Either beg her back, get your heartbroken again, or just shut her out of your life in every possible way. Then, and only then will people be willing to help you through the process of getting over her and moving on with your life. But since you want to continue to act like a hurt little puppy, then come back as a cocky, "If she wants hers, I want mine too" jerk, then very few, if anyone will have sympathy for you. How many more people have to point out your wild emotional swings? How many more people have to tell you that your actions are unhealthy and will only end in disaster? How many more times do you have to hear that you NEED TO CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY?!!!! And to clarify that process for you, that means NO CONTACT, NO SEX, NO STALKING, IGNORING HER CALLS,EMAILS,TEXTS, SMOKE SIGNALS, MESSENGER BIRDS, WHATEVER! THROWING AWAY ANYTHING THAT EVEN REMOTELY CONNECTS YOU TO HER. But again, I'm sure you'll just continue in this behavior, continue to post your emotional swings under the guise that you need help, then get defensive and tell people you have it under control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaKings55 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Oh, and for the record, I have an immense amount of respect for those of us who are in real pain and are legitimately trying to work through problems. No one else I have met on here or the many threads I've read through have once given me the impression of game-playing, or just flat-out lies. You, on the other hand very much do give that impression. Seriously, you need an intervention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingIn Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 My question is why would she want to come over to hurt me and then disappear? Because some women are incredibly selfish, self centered, and never take a look at themselves or take others into consideration. And even if they do, sometimes they still go after whatever comfort is offered to them even if it means the other person will get hurt because of their own weakness. Some people are evil and purposely do it or do it out of spite and vengeance. They may feel justified because of things you have wronged them with. Others, simply are as immature or as weak as you are and she just may not see it as coming over to hurt you, either because she believes you when you say you won't or is denying it in her own mind. If she had strength, was considerate, and integrity, she wouldn't do it because she would realize it would end up hurting you. But it also doesn't necessarily mean she's out to purposely hurt you. She's just out to make herself feel better, which is selfish, and does in turn hurt the other person. But she either doesn't care, can't see this, or even if she does she just may be too weak to control herself from taking advantage of feeling better at the expense of someone else when the other person is offering it for the taking. She takes what's being offered when she shouldn't but as long as you are offering it, she's only HALF at fault. Some people do that. You would know better than anyone else which category she falls under. But, regardless of the fact, it's YOUR job, and YOUR responsibility to protect yourself from the evil ones as well as the weak and selfish ones in these situations. They won't have your best interest at heart. They will have theirs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mustachio Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Well that was a good read overall and I just read through this whole thread for the first time. lostwithouther, I gotta agree with everyone else and I really dont have much to add only that while your situation is unique because it is happening to you and to nobody else, plenty of us have been in similar situations and in the end I would say that almost all of them play out exactly the same. So telling us that our collective experience doesnt matter because your situation is "unique" would be shortsighted on your part. In the end, you are going to do what you are going to do regardless of what is said and you will either keep going back and getting hurt further until you finally decide you have had enough or you will listen what we are saying and finally actually start to move on. Now realize that you dont have things under control and stop trying to act like such a strong guy. We all know you need help and its not a weakness to ask for it. Putting on this fake strong front seems to be more of a weakness to me. Anyways, everyone in here is really only trying to offer you advice to minimize the pain you are in. Finally, you said something that I wanted to address... when a person breaks up with you they want you to chase them Did it ever occur to you that when a person breaks up with you it actually means they just dont want to be with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tryptophan Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I had sex with my after I broke up with him because... plainly I was horny and I still had feelings for him. Obviously sex is better if the feelings are still there so he was my best option. As a matter of fact, I couldn't have sex with anyone other than him even to this day (nearly 6 months post-BU). The sex didn't change the reasons for the breakup though (he "cheated"). It felt good to have control over him with sex. So I would text him and he would be down for it right away. It's always about the ego boost. Just knowing that they're available makes you happy, but at the end of the day, he was still an * * * * * * * I wanted nothing to do with. My situation is different though. He did cheat on me, but the sex with the other girl was lame; I'm certain of that. So sex was my way of getting back at him because he wasn't gonna get it anymore. It ended up hurting more every single time once the ecstatic mood wore off though so we ended up going NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tresqua Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 My situation is different though. He did cheat on me, but the sex with the other girl was lame; I'm certain of that. How can you be certain that the sex he had with the other woman was lame? Were you there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tryptophan Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 How can you be certain that the sex he had with the other woman was lame? Were you there? Because he just used her since he took her virginity; that was his only objective. He practically told a few people it was "lame" but the fact that he was a virgin was "good enough". One of them wasn't really his friend, I guess, and told me so that's how I found out he cheated in the first place—silly way to cheat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tresqua Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I think that most men would agree that devirginizing a woman is not something that happens every day and just by virtue of the fact that you're the first one in there, almost nothing else really matters and it's anything but a lame experience. No matter what a few third parties told you that he "practically told them". Look you can downplay it all you want. Sex with another person is cheating, whether it's the best sex in the world or the worst. If it somehow makes you feel better to believe that the sex with you was better than with his virgin mistress than knock yourself out. I think you've got some rationalization going on right there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 i went back to a girl after a month apart...knowing full well that i never wanted anything serious. we had sex. she was still hopelessly in love. and i knew it. but i placated myself with the idea that she'd tell me if she wanted more. well...she never spoke up. she assumed i wanted more...and went along with things...even though i'd actually given her nothing but negative responses to her advances (which she found a way to to subvert, and justified to herself reasons to stick around for more. a glutton for a good heart-trampling. poor girl for me...the boundary was always there. eventually my integrity kicked in and i walked. i'll never go down that road again. the thing is...the idea behind this break-up thing is that something wasn't working. and especially after a longer relationship (which two years certainly is), it takes serious time to let go of the attachments. but that's the important part. so long as you have deep-seated attachments (and we're talking feelings of emptiness...loss...incompleteness...etc) where this person's void in your life is concerned, you're in a state that could easily be considered 'delusional'. you tend to be fuelled more by a sense of regaining what you had...as opposed to creating something new. it's like a band-aid. a world of hurt for a short period...covered up in the blink of an eye by the ending to your desperate longing for something that's no longer there. it's like magic...PFM. it's worth asking the question...''do i really want this...or am i just eager to end the constant unease of longing?" i'm not saying it's wrong. i'm not saying you're better off leaving well-enough alone. just something to consider. i hope it works out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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