Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[ShySoul]

On 9/5/2024 at 4:15 AM, Cynder said:

He's her person.  She met the other half of her soul when she met him, etc.  They were together a week when he told her he loved her.  In a month they were living together. It's been two months and they're engaged.  Anyone else see the red flags here? 

Seen it. Only it was one month and engaged. Two months and they were already married.

I did say something. I said she was rushing it with someone she barely knew. I pointed out how she had always been in a rush to have someone as if that would solve all her problems. That being married was supposedly something that meant the world to her and how she said it would be for life with her best friend. How can someone you've known for two months, mostly online be your best friend and soulmate? If they really are, why the need to do this now instead of waiting until you've really got to know each other and can be certain?

She didn't listen. She got mad at me. And three months later she is crying to me about how much of a horrible mistake it was. Really felt like saying I told you so. But I just listened and offered support.

People are going to do whatever they are going to do. Especially when it comes to the heart, people aren't good at listening. Best thing you can usually do for a person is just be supportive, caring, and encouraging. And if it all comes crashing down, be there for them when they need you and are willing to listen.

People's radar can be so off. Love can blind us to what is so obvious to everyone else. But it's something we all have to experience for ourselves until we hopefully learn better or meet someone decent.

Hope those revisions get finished someday. It a journey - a long, agonizing journey. 😄

[Cynder]

I was talking to my sister last night and she told me her and my Mom got into an argument because she made the off hand comment that she wants a hysterectomy. My sister said it in a joking way because she doesn't want to have a period anymore.  My mom was so pissed off at her for saying this, because apparently my Mom is holding out hope that my sister will have a kid one day.  And my sister's comment really pissed her off.  

I had no idea my Mom was still pushing my sister to have kids. I know years ago Mom used to make comments about how my sister would have such beautiful kids. And she also has made comments more than once over the years about how ugly my kids would be if I ever had them.  I remember when I was with my vendor ex, who was really attractive, multiple people we know told us how pretty our kids would be.  And I told my Mom about it once and she made the comment, "Well, they would have beautiful hair, but not much else."  So many times it's been said by family members that my hair is the only thing pretty about me, etc. 

But it's mind blowing to me that the only reason my Mom feels this way seems to be because the kids would be aesthetically pleasing if my sister was their Mom.  Like, that seems like such a dumb reason to reproduce. 

And, pretty much ever since I got married, she's been bugging me to get sterilized.  She tried so hard to talk me into it when I was married, and even after.  But when I was married it was always, "Well, you've said you guys want to adopt if you decide to have kids.  So why take the chance?  Why not just got get your tubes tied?  It's better safe than sorry."  Like, does she not understand that I know what birth control is?  I know birth control is not % effective.  But cases of people getting pregnant on it are rare.  And then when I got my IUD, she was so upset, because why did I bother with an IUD when I could have just gotten "fixed"?  Those were her words, too.  She actually said fixed, like I'm a dog in heat. 

I accidentally let it slip that D is trans once.  D doesn't really care if people know.  But he doesn't like telling people or going out of his way to make it known.  He's been on T for 20ish years.  He looks, sounds and passes for a cis male.  Most people don't know he wasn't always living as a man.  He doesn't want people to see him as a trans man.  He would rather just be seen as a man. 

But I let it slip in a conversation once.  It really was an accident.  And my Mom doesn't care.  She has no issues with trans people.  But her immediate reaction after finding this out about him was, "Oh, thank God he can't get you pregnant." 

I don't know why she has this irrational fear of me having a kid, and has had it for a long time, while desperately wanting my siblings to have kids.  She's also made comments about how she wishes my brother would have kids. 

I know because of my disability and my mental health issues I wouldn't be a perfect parent.  But I seriously doubt I could mess it up any more than she did.  I think a lot of it boils down to not being able to see her problem child as being good at anything.  And the idea that I might be a good parent is just something she couldn't handle. 

I babysat my former friend Kitty's daughter for two years when she was a toddler.  Three nights a week after work I went to her house and watched her daughter until she got home from work.  My Mom was "so worried" about this.  Kitty shopped at the grocery store where my Mom worked and on more than one occasion, Mom tried to talk her out of letting me watch her daughter. 

When I was married, she made the comment to me that if I ever have kids and don't get rid of my snakes, she's calling CPS.  Ok...  how many kids are killed by dogs every year versus snakes?  If snakes are properly taken care of and kept in a secure space, there's no way they could attack a child. 

Idk...  finding out that my Mom is still pushing my 40 year old sister who is child free by choice and has no desire to have kids, to have kids, irks me a little.  And that she's doing it because my sister would have pretty kids just annoys me more.  It annoys me because she's pushing this on someone who doesn't want it.  But also because she swears she doesn't think of us kids differently and doesn't have favorites. 

I remember once about ten years ago she made the comment to me that "God knew what he was doing when he made it so you never had kids.  Because you would have been a really bad parent."  I told her God had nothing to do with it. I know what birth control is and I made the decision to not be a parent. She was acting like I'm just out screwing every Tom, Nick and Harry around with no protection and God stepped in and saved everyone from me having a baby.  Well no, I don't go around having unprotected sex, for one. And I made the choice to prevent myself from getting pregnant. 

I decided to not have kids because to me, my creativity is more important than parenthood.  People act like it's our duty in life to reproduce.  Well, it's not, really.  Back in the day when we all lived in nomadic tribes that depended on babies being born for the survival of the tribe, than yea.  Having kids was important.  But now, the world is overpopulated and a lot of people can barely afford to feed and clothe themselves, let alone a child.  People say things like, "h, but you have the ability to create life!'  Yeah?  So do cockroaches.  What's you point?  But who's gonna take care of you when you're old?  Well, I got my dad's genes in every way, and the women on his side of the family don't reach old age. So, I probably won't get old enough to need taken care of. 

Anyway, time to sleep.  Got a long night of video editing tonight.  This project deadline is fast approaching.  It's crunch time.  I worked on it for 6 hours on Saturday, too. 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Cynder said:

People act like it's our duty in life to reproduce. 

I'm a people and I never have -I know people who do and other people who think it's ok to comment and judge someone else's parenting whether or not they know  the person and whether or not the situation requires intervention for the child's safety.  I know other people who have no children, want no children and are so incredibly thoughtful and kind to parents especially those with young kids.  The very first person I ever left my infant alone with except my parents was my friend.  We were walking down the block with my infant in the stroller.  We passed my favorite coffee shop which had steep steps leading up.  I couldn't take the baby because of the stroller and because of the risk of hot coffee spilling on him.  My friend said -go get coffee.  I will walk around the block with the baby.  I hesitated and she "made me" go.  I did and got my coffee, she arrived a minute later with the baby.  She's in her 50s and would make an awesome mother.  I've never ever pressed her on the issue but surmise it has to do with her past experience with her parents. But that's the point - I'd never pry into such a sensitive topic.  We've been friends for 21 years.

Our cousin has a husband and 5 cats no kids.  I've also never asked her and she is very involved with our son and with many kids of her friends.  I volunteered for 7 years reading to children who lived at a homeless shelter with a woman who never had kids, worked tirelessly with kids and later in life decided to foster older kids.  

There always will be judgey types and no it's not anyone's duty to reproduce. Your mother has odd ideas about why to have children of course and you've posted many times about hurtful things she says.  I am sorry.  I personally wouldn't joke about having major surgery like a hysterectomy and I of course complained to my mom about my menstrual cycle -had I joked like that she likely wouldn't have found it funny either but not reacted in an offensive way.

[Cynder]

It's so hard to believe it was a year ago yesterday that D and I broke up.  I remember the date because it was September 11th, before people start screaming about why I'm keeping track, etc.  September 11th is an infamous date here in the US. So it's easy to remember.   

He texted me yesterday morning about it.  We were both talking about how time flies.  And he told me it's just one more loss he can't get over.  I can't really say whether or not I'm entirely over him, either.  I'm just really grateful that we still have each other as friends.  I think we are always going to be each other's one that got away.  We are both better off single.

Speaking of September 11th...  For the whole maybe 5 minutes I was on FB yesterday, I couldn't believe how many memes and jokes I saw about it. Right now everything is offensive...  but 9/11 is somehow funny?  And a lot of people were saying things like, "Well, it's been 23 years. We can't cry about it forever."  Idk man...  I have about the darkest sense of humor around.  And I just can't imagine thinking 9/11 is funny, even after all this time.  One thing that still sticks with me is the cultural impact afterwards.  Suddenly everyone was a blind patriot.  Suddenly hating Muslims was the cool thing to do.  My high school boyfriend jumped right on that bandwagon.  He was enraged at me for listening to System of a Down because they're *insert Arab slur with the word towel in it.*  Well, they aren't, they're Armenian.  Him -and most people- didn't take the time to educate themselves when it came to this stuff.  People from India were being attacked in the street because your average person doesn't know world geography and know there's a difference. We as a people just because so ignorant.  And I understand our country was grieving.  But we became so hateful.  And I saw this in my own family, too. My parents making comments about how all the Muslims need to be shot, etc. Okay... a few Muslim extremists did this. That doesn't mean they all need to be shot.  How does thinking that make us any better than the people who hijacked those planes?  People were basically calling for genocide, and it's the new thing to do and it's acceptable.  

But, it also brought a lot of people closer together.  At that time, friends I'd drifted apart from, like people who moved and changed schools, etc, called me just to say hi.  And I did that same to people I hadn't seen in a while. Family members we hadn't seen in a while were checking in, etc.  All the crap I had to put up with at home stopped for a few weeks because my parents just seemed grateful we were all safe and alive. They didn't go out drinking as much for a little while after.  So, as much as we became hateful and ignorant toward what we didn't understand, we also appreciated what we had and those we are close to more.   

Anyway, time to sleep. 

[Batya33]

No one ever on my feed has ever joked about it.  Thank goodness.  One friend who lived through it said the photos of the towers trigger her -PTSD. I can see that.  I had significant personal involvement that day and was involved in other ways over the next days, weeks and months.  I will never forget and I have taught and explained to my son over the years about what happened particularly since we spent lots of time in a location where we had a view of the Freedom Tower going up.  I will never ever forget including those I lost and family and friends lost.  

[Cynder]

On 9/6/2024 at 10:32 PM, ShySoul said:

Seen it. Only it was one month and engaged. Two months and they were already married.

I did say something. I said she was rushing it with someone she barely knew. I pointed out how she had always been in a rush to have someone as if that would solve all her problems. That being married was supposedly something that meant the world to her and how she said it would be for life with her best friend. How can someone you've known for two months, mostly online be your best friend and soulmate? If they really are, why the need to do this now instead of waiting until you've really got to know each other and can be certain?

She didn't listen. She got mad at me. And three months later she is crying to me about how much of a horrible mistake it was. Really felt like saying I told you so. But I just listened and offered support.

People are going to do whatever they are going to do. Especially when it comes to the heart, people aren't good at listening. Best thing you can usually do for a person is just be supportive, caring, and encouraging. And if it all comes crashing down, be there for them when they need you and are willing to listen.

People's radar can be so off. Love can blind us to what is so obvious to everyone else. But it's something we all have to experience for ourselves until we hopefully learn better or meet someone decent.

Hope those revisions get finished someday. It a journey - a long, agonizing journey. 😄

So many people think like that, as far as marriage.  My ex roommate was always wishing she could find a guy to marry her.  Why...?  I was married for eight years.  It didn't solve any of my problems. 

And the attitudes a lot of people have about it don't make sense, either.  When I was married it annoyed me that suddenly everyone thought of my husband and I as one entity.  Like, being married doesn't strip away a person's individuality.  People acted completely shocked at the fact that we had separate bank accounts, etc.  People acted like it was wrong that he went to the game shop in our town on Sundays to play DnD and I "Let him."  Why wouldn't I let him? It isn't about letting. But people seemed to think because we were married we should just be joined at the hip and not have our own interests, our own friends, our own money, etc. 

It wasn't until very recently in our history that love even became a factor, as far as marriage is concerned. 

Ashley says this guy is her best friend, too.  She is the manager at an Italian restaurant.  Yes, she's an author, but every author I know works some kind of day job.  Unless you're someone like JK Rowling, there's not a ton of money in it.  But they met when he parked in her parking space at work.  He was a customer there to pick up a takeout order.  And she got really pissed at him and wrote a note basically calling him an a**hole for parking in her spot.  Then he took pics of the note, and posted it on our city's Facebook page.  He basically said, "Hey who's the jerk who left me this note? I was just picking up an order."  She saw it and that's how they started talking. Idk man, I don't mean to sound judgemental, but their relationship started with them pissing each other off.  I know that is basically a staple in most romcoms.  But those movies are so unrealistic.  

But, I agree, the heart is a bad listener.  And that's even true with my past relationships.  I definitely wish my brain would have taken over a lot sooner in the past.  I will admit I got married for stupid reasons. I did love him.  But it was more about being told over and over that I "should" get married.  It seemed like everyone I knew who was around my age was getting married.  My family was pressuring me,.  His family was pressuring him.  It just seemed like the next logical step. 

It was really honorable of you to listen and not tell her "I told you so."  If Ashley's relationship falls apart I will be the supportive friend and keep my thoughts from the beginning to myself.  I really am rooting for her.  I hope he really is the Prince Charming she wants and I'm just wrong. 

Now that I plan on staying single, I look back on the person love made me at times in my past and I'm really disgusted.  I talked to my therapist about this, even.  So much emotional energy was wasted on people who didn't deserve it.  I spent so much time caring about people who didn't give a rats ass about me at the end of the day.  I realized I love myself more than anyone else will ever love me. 

Most people in relationships are miserable and in denial.  I see it all the time. 

It's so hard to connect with anyone post NDE.  This is something you almost never hear about when people talk about near death experiences. There's always so much emphasis put on the fact that they survived. It wasn't their time, etc. But no one ever talks about how different everything feels when you've been dead. You're never the same person again. People who have died see things that others don't see.  It's not like I'm claiming to be psychic or anything. It's hard to explain.  There's a whole other layer of perception after dying. 

So, this really meandered off subject.  But, I need to go get ready for work and hopefully get some cleaning done before I leave. 

 

[Batya33]

You're a very good friend to be there without I told you so.  I do the same.Marriage solved none of my problems but I didn't marry to solve problems and that would have been a bad reason to marry. I mean I had the problem of not having a child- I would have adopted a child in my 40s on my own but yes I wanted a biological child in a loving marriage and family. It wasn't a problem but I wasn't fulfilled in that way.  I was desperate for marriage in my 20s and almost settled at 23 - I was like your ex roommate.  Thank goodness I woke up and broke it off before marrying him.  Decently good guy and not right for me.  I felt the shift from desperation to - a normal healthy desire to find a husband who was right for me - later in my 20s/into my 30s.  It was a significant shift in outlook.

[Cynder]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're a very good friend to be there without I told you so.  I do the same.Marriage solved none of my problems but I didn't marry to solve problems and that would have been a bad reason to marry. I mean I had the problem of not having a child- I would have adopted a child in my 40s on my own but yes I wanted a biological child in a loving marriage and family. It wasn't a problem but I wasn't fulfilled in that way.  I was desperate for marriage in my 20s and almost settled at 23 - I was like your ex roommate.  Thank goodness I woke up and broke it off before marrying him.  Decently good guy and not right for me.  I felt the shift from desperation to - a normal healthy desire to find a husband who was right for me - later in my 20s/into my 30s.  It was a significant shift in outlook.

I actually don't regret being married, oddly enough.  I'm glad I had the experience, even if it was for dumb reasons.  I was in my early 20s.  I think everyone makes dumb decisions at that age.  We also were able to end it in a way that was really clean and amicable, too.  I know not everyone has that luxury.

We were two angry people, for sure. The way he turned his life around was amazing. People rarely change. But he really went balls to the wall working on himself. 

Anyway...  cleaning time.  I'm procrastinating because I don't want to do the dishes, lol. 

[ShySoul]

On 9/9/2024 at 4:20 AM, Cynder said:

People act like it's our duty in life to reproduce

Best friend is past the point of having a child, and she never cared to. She's been judged for it before. Had at least one set of aunt and uncle who never had a child. They seemed to do just fine for themselves and lived happily together. My brother didn't have a child, doesn't seem to have negatively affected him. And I'm pretty sure I've hit a point where I can say being a father is not in my future. So maybe it's not all that big a deal if people don't become parents, either by choose or life having other plans for us.

Population keeps growing. Plenty of people are having children. We aren't in danger of dying out as a species because of reproduction. So people should mind there own business and let others make the choice that is right for them. We should be free to choose the kind of life we want, even if that means not having children. 

Respectfully, your mom sounds crazy. Glad you didn't take after her. 

Actually, I've grown quite fond of childless cat ladies recently. Or childless (insert favorite animal) (insert chosen gender).

15 hours ago, Cynder said:

So, as much as we became hateful and ignorant toward what we didn't understand, we also appreciated what we had and those we are close to more.   

Oh the blind patriotism at the time drove me crazy. And sadly it seems to have been a warm up for a lot of the hell we've endured over the last decade. Spreading hate and lies about huge groups of people just trying to live their life? Who have done nothing to you? It's sad and sick. We're better for our diversity. And everyone deserves the right to live their life as they see fit. 

Though it is always heartwarming to see that despite all the forces that try to divide us, ultimately more people choose to come together. In the wake of tragedy, people grow closer. They stand up for others. Appreciate that in the darkness is the light.

Hope you're doing well regarding D. You made the right call on just being friends. Sometimes things just don't work out the other way.

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

I was in my early 20s.  I think everyone makes dumb decisions at that age. 

That girl probably was my dumb decision at that age. 😉 Yet I don't regret it either. She was my first love and showed me something good might just happen for me. It just needed to be with someone a little saner. There were some great moments together. Taught me I could handle a lot. And lead me to someone even better... and with a lot less issues.

It was hard to not say I told you so. She told me she was married online. I immediately called in disbelief, assuming it was a joke. That was probably the most angry I've ever been. Went off on her in such a way I'm shocked by it now. Not sure how I found a way to get over it, but glad I could.

Unfortunately, I'm a romantic who can't help but want to find the right person and be married. Being single is fine, if it's you choice. But being single indefinately when you don't want to be can take a toll on you. I don't think being married will solve my problems. I know there will be new problems. I know we'll have separate lives. Would just be nice having somewhere to share those lives with. When there's been a lack of love throughout your life, having that one real love becomes all that more important.

Should all be free to follow our own path and do what will make us happier. If you feel better off without a partner, then you don't need one. You're creative outlets can be your passion. Whatever brings you the joy you deserve to have.

 

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Best friend is past the point of having a child, and she never cared to. She's been judged for it before. Had at least one set of aunt and uncle who never had a child. They seemed to do just fine for themselves and lived happily together. My brother didn't have a child, doesn't seem to have negatively affected him. And I'm pretty sure I've hit a point where I can say being a father is not in my future. So maybe it's not all that big a deal if people don't become parents, either by choose or life having other plans for us.

Population keeps growing. Plenty of people are having children. We aren't in danger of dying out as a species because of reproduction. So people should mind there own business and let others make the choice that is right for them. We should be free to choose the kind of life we want, even if that means not having children. 

Respectfully, your mom sounds crazy. Glad you didn't take after her. 

Actually, I've grown quite fond of childless cat ladies recently. Or childless (insert favorite animal) (insert chosen gender).

Oh the blind patriotism at the time drove me crazy. And sadly it seems to have been a warm up for a lot of the hell we've endured over the last decade. Spreading hate and lies about huge groups of people just trying to live their life? Who have done nothing to you? It's sad and sick. We're better for our diversity. And everyone deserves the right to live their life as they see fit. 

Though it is always heartwarming to see that despite all the forces that try to divide us, ultimately more people choose to come together. In the wake of tragedy, people grow closer. They stand up for others. Appreciate that in the darkness is the light.

Hope you're doing well regarding D. You made the right call on just being friends. Sometimes things just don't work out the other way.

My Mom is an interesting lady.  She's very pessimistic and negative about everything.  But, she's also lived a really rough life, too.  She got pregnant as a teenager, at a time when society wasn't as accommodating to teen moms.  She's very derisive, toward a lot of people.  But I think that's probably her coping mechanism.  Not saying that makes it ok.  I just think that's probably why she is that way, deep down. 

The cat lady is an interesting archetype.  It used to be the old woman who lived alone and had 5 or 6 (or more) cats.  Now though, if a single woman has a cat she's a cat lady, regardless of her age.  And if she has more than one, she's a crazy cat lady. I think I wrote in here not too long ago about society's attitudes about cats and dogs. I can't remember if it was here or on Reddit.  But, dogs are considered masculine animals.  Cats are considered feminine animals.  Hating dogs makes you a monster. But it's perfectly acceptable to hate cats.  If a woman loves dogs it's fine.  But if a man loves cats it's weird.  And it's also weird that cats are considered sexy animals.  And liking cats is seen as a wimpy thing, but cats are basically the perfect predator.  Nature has designed them to be these badass hunters.  But, it's cool that you've grown fond of cat ladies.  Cat ladies deserve more people in their corner, lol. 

The blind patriotism dove me nuts, too.  I remember trying to talk about it to my parents when they would make stupid comments about how all the Muslims should be shot.  My Mom was raised Catholic.  I tried to ask her ho she would feel if it was a few Catholic extremists.  Her answer was that Catholics wouldn't do that because Catholics follow the Bible.  Um... ok? Because no one kills anyone in the Bible, nope.  It's so easy to hide behind religion and develop this us against them mentality. 

Not the same thing, but I've met so many Christians who assume I hate them just because I'm not a Christian.  It's like they just can't comprehend that people with different beliefs don't have to hate each other.  Whenever I  met a Christian with that attitude I'm always respectful.  If I feel inclined, I point out that I don't hate anyone for their beliefs.  I keep it to myself that they are saying way more about themself than anyone else.  Because they are basically telling me they hate anyone who isn't a Christian. 

One of the main characters in Needles is a Christian at the beginning of his arc.  He's even questioning then, though.  He's 17 and has had these beliefs pushed on his since childhood.  And it's really interesting that of all the bad things that happen in this novel, the thing that offends people the most (so far) is the Christian character questioning his faith.  I've had comments on reddit from Christians telling me I need to learn more about Christianity.  "We're not all like that!" "Do more research!" I know they're not all like that.  But this character is like that. 

My grandma, Mom, sister and I all went to a prayer service in my city after 9/11.  It was a really emotional gathering.  And in an odd way it was actually beautiful. Roughly two thousand people all standing with lit candles singing in unison was a really powerful thing to be part of. 

And I think you're right that the blind patriotism paved the way for where we are now.  Our diversity was always a point of pride in the US.  Now we are back to putting everyone in a separate box, under the disguise of tolerance. Enjoying things from other cultures is now bad unless you're part of that culture. You think sugar skulls are beautiful and want to hang them up for Halloween?  Well, if you're not Mexican that's cultural appropriation.  You want to wear a silk dress that was inspired by the Japanese Kimono?  Well, you better be Japanese. People have even gotten upset about white people running a taco truck.  We used to be this melting pot of different cultures.  Now that is going away. 

And that's also when people started isolating more.  Post 9/11, people were afraid to go to events where a lot of people would gather, and afraid to travel, etc.  Which, I understand the fear.  But it seems like that's when we started to become a lot more solitary as people. And then the pandemic just made that a lot worse. 

As far as D is concerned, I think I'm doing better than he is.  I'm really thankful that he's still in my life.  I wish there was more I could do to help with his current situation. 

Anyway, I need to sleep.  This is the first weekend in a while that I have nothing going on and nowhere to be.  I'm going to spend two days relaxing. 

 

[Cynder]

On 9/13/2024 at 12:22 AM, ShySoul said:

That girl probably was my dumb decision at that age. 😉 Yet I don't regret it either. She was my first love and showed me something good might just happen for me. It just needed to be with someone a little saner. There were some great moments together. Taught me I could handle a lot. And lead me to someone even better... and with a lot less issues.

It was hard to not say I told you so. She told me she was married online. I immediately called in disbelief, assuming it was a joke. That was probably the most angry I've ever been. Went off on her in such a way I'm shocked by it now. Not sure how I found a way to get over it, but glad I could.

Unfortunately, I'm a romantic who can't help but want to find the right person and be married. Being single is fine, if it's you choice. But being single indefinately when you don't want to be can take a toll on you. I don't think being married will solve my problems. I know there will be new problems. I know we'll have separate lives. Would just be nice having somewhere to share those lives with. When there's been a lack of love throughout your life, having that one real love becomes all that more important.

Should all be free to follow our own path and do what will make us happier. If you feel better off without a partner, then you don't need one. You're creative outlets can be your passion. Whatever brings you the joy you deserve to have.

 

I gave up on trying to find the right person. The right person doesn't exist. And that's more of an issue with me than with others.  Looking back on past relationships. I see the patterns, the things about me that everyone ends up hating/resenting.  And most of them are things I can't or won't change about myself. That probably makes me sound really selfish, but I don't think I should have to change major things about myself just to be palatable for a partner. I've never expected anyone to change for me. So why should I have to change just so someone can tolerate me?  

D is the one exception.  He met me where I am and didn't have this huge laundry list of complaints that I was expected to take care of. 

But, in every relationship before him, my disability caused problems. I've had partners accuse me of faking it, and then get their whole family on board with said accusation.  But the biggest thing is that I can't drive.  Everyone says it won't be a problem in the beginning.  They all insist it's not a big deal.  Some have even emphatically told me how much they like to drive.  And I am always willing to help pay for gas, etc.  But it becomes an issue every time.  People get tired of doing all the driving, etc.  And a lot of them get frustrated and end up telling me I'm lazy and I could drive if I really wanted to, I just don't want to.  Well, uh, I'm legally blind in both eyes. The fact that they don't seem to care that I would be putting myself in serious danger and other people also really says a lot about them.  

Me being a business owner has caused issues in every relationship as well, since I became a business owner.  And before that, the fact that I wanted to be a business owner was a problem. My high school boyfriend had our whole future mapped out. As soon as I graduated, I was going to marry him, move into his parents basement and start popping out babies.  He just couldn't understand that that isn't the life I wanted. And so I was the selfish one who wasn't thinking about "us."  Ok, so I'm selfish. If that's the "us" you want, that there is no more "us."  And I was also the evil monster for dumping him, too.  His parents got married as teenagers and started making babies right away, and so did his older sister. So his entire family seemed to think that was the only way to do it. So, I know me being a business owner would have been an issue for him, had he been around then.

Substance use has caused issues in every relationship, also.  I've never been able to consume or not consume the "right" amount of anything. High school boyfriend was very straight edge.  And him and his entire family believed that anyone who drinks ever in their life is an alcoholic, and anyone who has ever done any drug at all is a drug addict. I was with him in my late teens/early 20s, when most people are partying and experimenting.  I got so sick of hearing about how I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict, when I'm not those things.  My ex husband was also really straight edge. It wasn't as much of an issue for him if I drank a beer or whatever. And I didn't smoke weed when we were together. But his hypocrisy about stuff like that caused a lot of fights between us. For one, the girl he cheated on me with was a pothead. He told me more than once that if I ever smoked, he would divorce me. Then he goes and has an affair with a pothead. <y ex Aaron was a social drinker and an occasional pot smoker, as was I when we were together. And he ended up ending things because I did Ayahuasca.  He could handle drinking and some weed now and then.  But some some reason hallucinogens were his line in the sand, even though it helped me so much with my depression.  And years later I actually found out that was just a convenient excuse. He actually dumped me for someone else. He just didn't tell me. His exact words to me were, "I just can't be with someone who uses hard drugs." I guess that was easier for him than "I'm a cheating ass."  And with Z the issue was the opposite.  I'm boring and a lightweight because I just don't want to spend every day of my life drunk and I can't smoke because where I work does randoms. So, it's like no matter what, how much I drink, etc, how much weed I smoke, etc has been wrong for everyone.

Sleeping int he same bed with me is also a really awful experience, says pretty much everyone from my past. I guess I move around a lot in my sleep and people hate that. I have always been a thirsty person. I drink a lot of water. So, as expected I get up to use the bathroom at least once a night, usually twice. And this is just way too much for most of my exes to handle. To me this seems ridiculous. But It's been the cause of a lot of arguments. And that's something I can't really change, either. I can't control when I use the bathroom and I can't control what I do in my sleep. 

My creativity pisses everyone off, too. Like, Aaron in particular... he would get so annoyed with me for drawing and painting and stuff. He just thought I should spend all my time watching Netflix, I guess. But, it becomes an issue in all relationships.  They all are so intrigued in the beginning. They all love that about me. But eventually they all start to resent it.  Aaron was one of the few who explained his resentment to me. He was a software engineer. He told me once that it pisses him off because he had to work hard to get where he's at and to make the money he makes. And meanwhile I'm just sitting here whipping out paintings that people are paying a lot of money for. In his eyes I guess art school didn't count as working hard I guess.  He also said it's not like anyone ever looks at the software he works on and Oos and Ahs about how talented he is. Ok, I get that. People who work behind the scenes on stuff like that don't really get the praise that artist get.  But what he did took a lot of talent. It can't be easy to write code all day.  I remember actually posting about this on here and getting countrified because I'm so arrogant to think my BF is jealous of me. Well, uh, he said he was. Z got mad at me at the one show she went to with me. She was saying stuff like, "It must be nice to go work somewhere for a day and walk out with a few thousand dollars." She was genuinely pissed at me for making money. Even though it was me who paid for our hotel, all our food, all the gas, etc. for that weekend. And I bought her three presents at the event.  It has showed itself a little differently in every relationship.  But there's been so many arguments over me being an artist, etc.  And my writing, too.  No partner, other than D, had no issues with it.

My looks are a problem with everyone, too. I don't really understand that, either.  If you wanted a supermodel, you should have gone for a supermodel.  What did you think I was going to suddenly be a 10/10 once we started dating. You chose a 3, you're stuck with a 3.  And I don't do online dating. I met all these people organically except for my ex husband.  I didn't even meet him on a dating site. We met on a local music forum. And I sent him pics, realistic pics, full body pics, etc.  He told me years later after we were married that he was so disappointed when the girl in the pics actually showed up when we met.  He hoped I was really some hottie sending pics of an ugly girl to test him.  He didn't really like it when I asked him why, if he was so disappointed, he asked to see me again. 

And that's another thing a lot of people can't handle.  My mouth. I call people out on their crap.  I notice things a lot of other people don't notice.  And a lot of my exes just didn't like talking to me. Idk, if something funny or interesting happened when I was going about my day I would text them about it. I am not someone who texts 10 times an hour and gets pissed if I don't get a reply, etc.  But apparently, me just talking about crap that happens on the day to day is really annoying.  And this is something I've heard from multiple exes.  And I also need to give myself some credit, because I was the dumper in almost all these relationships.  Aaron and Z are the only two people who've ever dumped me.

So, after all this crap, I actually did find someone who accepted me for who I am and wasn't constantly griping about everything I do, basically.  He loved my creativity, and loved sleeping beside me. We always had plenty to talk about, even if it was just mundane crap that happened on a Tuesday.  And mental health issues ended that relationship.  So, at least I know there are people out there that can tolerate me. But I'm in no hurry to find another one.  I have friends that I've known since high school.  I have an amazing support system.  I am perfectly content to stay single forever.  The only thing I miss about being in a relationship is sex, and I have a FWB for that.  My FWB is good looking, kinky, and he likes tattooed women. That's all I need from him.  Oddly enough he has the same first name as the main character in Needles, lol.  That really was just a coincidence, though.  I started writing the book in 2021 and I didn't meet him until 2022.  It's a pretty common name.  

Anyway, time for bed.  Where I can roll around all I want and get up to use the bathroom as many times as I need and no one will complain.