Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In my line of work and in my career looks help to an extent and in certain aspects of the work but it's not going to get you far at all if you cannot do the job well including a can do attitude, teamwork when needed, all of that.  I worked with a very handsome guy who made a pass at me then threatened to hit his female boss. Fired that day (or agreed to resign but he was --- gone.).   When I was pregnant I looked really cute and I waddled.  I did get more attention for that from certain coworkers but no I didn't get a pass as  far as my work quality.  I took one day off for illness from the pregnancy and got an assignment a few hours later to work on from home. I had to ask for what I needed - I was too tired to work late at night, had to stop my air flights at a certain point - looking cute and people being excited about my soon being a mom helped in sort of an even more positive environment -but nothing to do with professional accolades or criticisms.

I think it depends on type of job/industry even geography.  My sister was very very pretty as a child/teen and used to get free stuff at festivals -meaning food/french fries- I was awkward looking and didn't.  

I don't find tattoos or extra piercings attractive.  That's just me.  Doesn't change how I interact with the person in a business or social setting.  I don't do hiring/firing and I'm sure in certain jobs/industries tattoos might be a negative.  In others they are positive from what I have seen indirectly.  Other people don't find my glasses attractive I'm sure and I cannot wear contact lenses anymore.  Oh well.  

I think it's really cool that tattoos are so accepted in the workplace now.  twenty years ago a sleeve was a job stopper and hand tattoos were especially bad because you can't cover them like you can a sleeve.  My left arm is completely sleeved.  My right arm will be soon.  It's getting there.  My chest piece is my next priority though.  Neck tattoos were another huge nono up until recently.  And I have one.  It's just hidden by my hair most of the time.  But back in the 90s/early 2000s, someone like me would have been unemployable to most people.  When I was little my cousin was heavily tattooed (She still is, not like she died or had them removed.)  But she was not invited to family gatherings and even not allowed to go on a few family vacations because of her tattoos.  To me that's just wild.  Like, you would refuse to be around your blood relative because she has a lot of tattoos?  Really?  Especially considering this is my dads side of the family who are mostly raging alcoholics, and my cousin isn't.  Like, you guys all sit around getting drunk every day and act like complete a-holes to each other, and that' totally fine.  But Holly is the bad one because she's got tattoos? 

My sister and I are both all tatted up.  My Mom has a few.  Neither of my brothers do, though. 

My chest piece is going to be amazing.  It had to be put off though since I didn't get a tax refund when everyone else got there's.  So hopefully around October when I get my refund.  And I really want a trash polka sunflower on my right hand.  Those are the two I'm itching to get right now.  Trash polka is a specific style of tattooing.  It's hard to describe without seeing it.  But it's mostly black and red, with very high contrast. 

I'm literally working at a tattoo convention starting tomorrow for the next three days.  So of course mentioning tattoos was going to get me going.  I really should be sleeping.  I need to be up in about 4 hours to go set up.

So, that's what I'm going to try to do. 

 

[Cynder]

I have to keep this short because I'm about to leave.  But I had two conversations recently that made me think...  One was with someone I know who I haven't talked to in over a year.  They asked how life has been and I told them my life is awesome and I'm really happy.  Their immediate response was, "Wow, that's great!  Did you find someone?" 

The other one was with my roommate.  She was telling me it's been so cool watching all these things fall into place in my life, because I've known her since 2000.  And then she said, "Now you just need to find someone." 

Ok... but why?  And why was my acquaintance's first reaction to me saying I'm happy, "Oh did you find someone?" 

Why is there this idea in our society that to be happy a person must be in a relationship? My Mom has said similar things, too.  Like, my Mom will have a three minute conversation with some new guy at her work who's around my age and suddenly she wants to play match maker.  So, this guy is single, and a man, and close to my age.  So I should date him.  Who cares if we have nothing in common, etc. 

The cold reality is most people in relationships are miserable.  Most married people are especially miserable.  And I think when a lot of people see someone who is content and happy being single, it makes them question if they want to be single or not.  And people don't like that level of self honesty, so rather than question what they really want, they just question the single person. 

People reveal their own ignorance and insecurities in every day conversations, if you know what to listen for.  Like, a few years ago my Mom befriended a lady who is a Jahovah's Witness.  And she was telling me, "Oh yea, Rhonda is so nice.  I was so surprised when she said she's a Jahovah's Witness.  But Jahovah's Witnesses really aren't bad people at all."  And she was saying this like she was really trying hard to convince me that they aren't bad people.  Well I don't think that.  I don't judge people based on their religious affiliations.  I've met Satanists who are absolutely wonderful people and I've met Christians who are some of the biggest assh*les around.  Religions means nothing to me.  But clearly my Mom thinks JWs are bad people.  Or at least she did until she met Rhonda. 

But when someone starts telling me I need to find someone, it really says a lot about them.  They don't think they could be happy without a romantic partner, so therefore how could anyone else? 

 

[Batya33]

It's not society -it's these people and others.  Some people do this and it was done to me constantly from the teenage years on. My dad didn't do this - he loved being supportive about my education and career.  But my grandfather wanted to make sure I made good coffee so I could find a husband LOL (and my husband is not a coffee drinker!).  Never in a gazillion years would I ask someone whether they were dating someone especially in the context of that sort of conversation.  The only time I do is when I'm playing matchmaker.  Then I will message or call and mention I know someone who might be a good match -are they available /interested? If no for any reason I back off immediately.

I think in our society in general it's easier to be a married couple or secondarily in a committed couple.  I don't think "society" supports asking irrelevant/rude questions to someone who shares that their life is going well.  Whether it's "did you find someone" or "have you been promoted yet at work."  Just like I get rude comments about whether we were going to have another baby (that was years ago) why we only have one child and on and on.

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's not society -it's these people and others.  Some people do this and it was done to me constantly from the teenage years on. My dad didn't do this - he loved being supportive about my education and career.  But my grandfather wanted to make sure I made good coffee so I could find a husband LOL (and my husband is not a coffee drinker!).  Never in a gazillion years would I ask someone whether they were dating someone especially in the context of that sort of conversation.  The only time I do is when I'm playing matchmaker.  Then I will message or call and mention I know someone who might be a good match -are they available /interested? If no for any reason I back off immediately.

I think in our society in general it's easier to be a married couple or secondarily in a committed couple.  I don't think "society" supports asking irrelevant/rude questions to someone who shares that their life is going well.  Whether it's "did you find someone" or "have you been promoted yet at work."  Just like I get rude comments about whether we were going to have another baby (that was years ago) why we only have one child and on and on.

Not the same thing but when I was in college I worked at a grocery store.  This friend of my grandma's would come in there regularly.  And every time she saw me there, she would always badger me about when I'm going to give my grandma some great grandkids.  Like, Every. Single. Time.  She would say stuff like, "You know you're grandma isn't going to live forever.  Don't you think she would like being a great grandparent?"  She even called me selfish a couple times.  Like okay, I'm so selfish because I'm in college and don't want to get knocked up.  Not wanting to mess up my education and bring a poor unwanted baby into the world should come second to what grandma wants.  And my grandma didn't have some big complex about being a great grandparent.  This woman just took it upon herself to tell me I need to have kids really young just because she assumed that's what my grandma wanted. 

People have acted like it's weird that I don't want kids.  There's a reason a lot of disabled people don't have kids.  I'm not saying disabled people can't be parents.  But a lot of them choose not to be because having a disability makes it really hard to raise kids.  I'm saying this based on personal experience and the disabled people I know.  I don't know the actual statistics of how many disabled people have kids, so anyone reading this, put your torches and pitchforks away.  I know there are always exceptions.  I know plenty of people becomes disabled after having kids, etc.  But from what I've seen, people who are born disabled and have no way of (for lack of a better word) fixing their disability, choose to not have kids. 

Anyway, I need to leave for work. 

[Batya33]

16 hours ago, Cynder said:

Not the same thing but when I was in college I worked at a grocery store.  This friend of my grandma's would come in there regularly.  And every time she saw me there, she would always badger me about when I'm going to give my grandma some great grandkids.  Like, Every. Single. Time.  She would say stuff like, "You know you're grandma isn't going to live forever.  Don't you think she would like being a great grandparent?"  She even called me selfish a couple times.  Like okay, I'm so selfish because I'm in college and don't want to get knocked up.  Not wanting to mess up my education and bring a poor unwanted baby into the world should come second to what grandma wants.  And my grandma didn't have some big complex about being a great grandparent.  This woman just took it upon herself to tell me I need to have kids really young just because she assumed that's what my grandma wanted. 

People have acted like it's weird that I don't want kids.  There's a reason a lot of disabled people don't have kids.  I'm not saying disabled people can't be parents.  But a lot of them choose not to be because having a disability makes it really hard to raise kids.  I'm saying this based on personal experience and the disabled people I know.  I don't know the actual statistics of how many disabled people have kids, so anyone reading this, put your torches and pitchforks away.  I know there are always exceptions.  I know plenty of people becomes disabled after having kids, etc.  But from what I've seen, people who are born disabled and have no way of (for lack of a better word) fixing their disability, choose to not have kids. 

Anyway, I need to leave for work. 

People judge all sorts of things about kids -parenting styles, number of kids, gender of kids (are you going to try for a girl?), how kids are fed, clothed, schooled.  People judge people who don't have kids or not yet.  People judge parents who don't get their child a pet, people judge people who treat their dog like a member of the family.  I mean it's all over all the time - I try to tune it all out and I don't do it to anyone else.  

I was judged and intruded upon when I was pregnant - why are you sitting in a seat up front that's for people with disabilities? Can I ask you how far you are along? (from a stranger), etc.  I was asked was it natural (my conception) by a person who -no-would never have asked otherwise if I had intercourse - and judged -eye roll from another pregnant lady at the table -for asking whether a certain dish was made with alcohol. 

It's all over - everyone has their judgey crap. 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's all over - everyone has their judgey crap. 

Haaah! I like this statement ^. Very true, and we each get to decide how we want to either react to this stuff or respond to it. The two are not the same.

Cynder, as my years advance, I'm more and more likely to be amused rather than offended by the stupid stuff people tend to project onto others, especially me, and I've come to sense that the same has become true of you, too. You can clearly see how it's a reflection on them rather than you.

My go-to response has served me well since my 40's or so, and that's, "How kind of you to raise this. Why are you asking?" It's a simple flip along with a request to go nicer, even while the onus is on them to answer W T F they are thinking.

[ShySoul]

On 7/30/2024 at 5:25 AM, Cynder said:

But when someone starts telling me I need to find someone, it really says a lot about them.  They don't think they could be happy without a romantic partner, so therefore how could anyone else? 

Let someone talk and they will reveal so much about themselves is shocking. As the quiet one who observes everything, I see how often people don't even realize the things they are saying and what it says about them.

My mother is just like that. She's always had this thought that she needs to find a man to be happy. So she gets with men who end up taking advantage of her or hurting her in some way. I've tried to get her to focus on her, but doubtful that's going to change at this point in her life.

So I'm not surprised when she regularly asks me if I have a girlfriend. I usually play it as a joke. Yes mom, I eloped last month and there is a baby coming in about nine months. Gets her off my back. What I want to say is, what does it matter? You barely let me talk on our calls as is and when you do that's the only thing you care about? 

My best friend also does't want kids. She's faced a lot of judgement about that. And I'm pretty certain at this point I won't be having children either. If that's our choice, shouldn't matter to anyone else. In the end, it's our lives. We just need to do what is right for us and ignore the ones that try to tell us what we should be doing. 

[ShySoul]

Cynder, how have you been? It's been a bit. Think I saw the revisions were done, or at least the first go through. Any update?

Hope life has been treating you kind.

[Cynder]

On 7/31/2024 at 1:34 PM, Batya33 said:

People judge all sorts of things about kids -parenting styles, number of kids, gender of kids (are you going to try for a girl?), how kids are fed, clothed, schooled.  People judge people who don't have kids or not yet.  People judge parents who don't get their child a pet, people judge people who treat their dog like a member of the family.  I mean it's all over all the time - I try to tune it all out and I don't do it to anyone else.  

I was judged and intruded upon when I was pregnant - why are you sitting in a seat up front that's for people with disabilities? Can I ask you how far you are along? (from a stranger), etc.  I was asked was it natural (my conception) by a person who -no-would never have asked otherwise if I had intercourse - and judged -eye roll from another pregnant lady at the table -for asking whether a certain dish was made with alcohol. 

It's all over - everyone has their judgey crap. 

Yea, you're right.  My former mother in law told me I better have a girl.  She said we better keep trying until we have a girl.  And my ex husband and I were both undecided about whether we wanted kids or not.  And if we decided to have kids, we wanted to adopt.  He was adopted.  And also, with my childhood, and being told I wasn't wanted, etc, I really wanted to give an unwanted kid a good life.  Looking back though, I'm really glad we never adopted or had kids because we weren't parent material. 

People are so big on calling any parenting style they disagree with abuse, too.  People who raise their voice at their kids are called abusers.  People who shelter their kids are called abusers.  Etc...

I see this with relationships too.  People are so quick to call any less than desirable behavior by a partner abuse. 

I remember some of the comments from people here when D and I were together about why we don't see each other more.  Ok, we live an hour away from each other.  We are both busy people.  Gas is expensive.  Ubers are expensive.  We were both happy with the frequency we saw each other.  So who cares?  But there were a few users here who were way too invested (to the point of PMing me asking me why I didn't see him this weekend, etc.)

People will judge any behavior different from their own.  I don't get it.  I don't have the emotional energy to invest that much in what someone else is doing with their time, unless it affects me or someone I care about. I have my friends/family, pets, house, job, bills, business, book, etc to worry about.  I don't care what Sally down the street is doing with her partner. 

I mean yes, if I saw my neighbor outside in the yard beating their kid, I would do something about it because the child is trapped in that situation.  Same with animal abuse.  And if anyone is wondering, no, I wouldn't go get in someone's face.  But the right people would be called. 

Wow...  I couldn't imagine asking a total stranger how they got pregnant.  SMH.

I know this isn't mentioned in your post, but something I thought about reading it was people being judged for having certain pets.  If a single woman has a cat, she's a cat lady.  If she has more than one cat, she's a crazy cat lady. 

This is something I was thinking about last night at work.  Cats are considered feminine animals and dogs are considered masculine.  If a woman loves dogs that's great.  If a man loves cats he's a weirdo.  Hating cats is socially acceptable.  If someone hates dogs they are a bad person. 

I know this post is old news now and my reply is all over the place.  I just woke up, in my defense. 

 

 

[Batya33]

I try to focus on the people in my life who are thoughtful, supportive, caring and recognize when they feel judgey and don't act on it and/or don't really feel judgey in the first place.  I feel personally like I'm copping out when I focus on the people who are judgey because it's a waste of stomach acid.  And probably raises my blood pressure which is not good.  I meet and interact with and know and like and even love many people who mean well, who strive to treat others with kindness and caring, who enjoy the diversity in people and don't try to label too much or fit into a specifc category or box.  It makes life so much more interesting when you challenge yourself to do that and then like attracts like. 

I do and have done a lot of things that were and are unusual - professionally and personally - and I get along best with people who want to hear about that and share with me their own path - without trying to tie things up with a neat little bow.  For a minor example it's been very freeing to share with certain people who needed to know that I no longer do evening phone calls (except with my mom but only a couple times a week), that I shut my phone off on the early side around 9pm or earlier and that I'm not going to take calls when I'm enjoying a meal.  I say it simply and directly even though it's very unusual among many of the people I know and when you express yourself simply and without apology most people simply accept you as you are.  There is no opportunity to give input or to say "oh but that's ok" because -I don't apologize for it so there's no room for that either.  Now obviously really judgy people will find a way and I have my quick close it down come backs.  And then sayonara.  

[Cynder]

On 8/1/2024 at 12:18 AM, catfeeder said:

Haaah! I like this statement ^. Very true, and we each get to decide how we want to either react to this stuff or respond to it. The two are not the same.

Cynder, as my years advance, I'm more and more likely to be amused rather than offended by the stupid stuff people tend to project onto others, especially me, and I've come to sense that the same has become true of you, too. You can clearly see how it's a reflection on them rather than you.

My go-to response has served me well since my 40's or so, and that's, "How kind of you to raise this. Why are you asking?" It's a simple flip along with a request to go nicer, even while the onus is on them to answer W T F they are thinking.

I would love to genuinely ask one of the people who assumes whoever is in the booth with me is the artist why they assumed that.  I feel like that's one situation where I can't because even though I own my business and I'm the boss, I still have to answer to organizers.  If I rub someone the wrong way, all they have to do is go complain to the organizer and get me booted from the festival the following year. 

Speaking of...

CPPD is this weekend and I'm not even excited.  RCTC was such a massive flop... as most of them have been this year.  But it's to be expected since it's an election year.  Any seasoned vendor will tell you election years are awful.  2016 was my first, and I was still finding my footing then, so I didn't really notice.  And then 2020, when everything was canceled, so it was a bad year for all of us but only because there were no festivals. So, this is my first time really experiencing the downtick in sales during an election year. 

Every vendor I know is hurting really bad financially right now.  I'm really fortunate that I have a job that pays pretty well and I also have two awesome tenants who pay their rent.  Not only do they pay their rent but we also help each other out.  Like, when the electric bill is crazy high and I let them know they actually try to use less electricity.  I remember when L lived here, me saying anything about the electric bill or the water bill was almost like an invitation to use as much electric/water as she possibly could. 

I miss my nephew.  I don't miss his mother. 

Another thing making me not looking forward to CPPD...  I haven't painted anything knew.  I mean, yeah, I have the novel that's been monopolizing all my time, but I have nothing to physically show for it.  So I will be sitting there with a bunch of old paintings, etc.  But, all artists go through ebbs and flows... I've tried to set aside blocks of time to paint.  And it just doesn't happen.  I'm stuck on the train of thinking I can't do anything else in my free time until Needles is published. 

The first 10 chapters are finalized.  As in, editor has gone over them, all suggested revisions have been added.  My critique group has been over them and any of those suggested revisions have been made.  So, the first ten chapters are proofread, polished, and completely finished.  I could send them to print right now.  But the whole book has to be there.  The cover art is also done.  

But I'm glad I'll be taking the next few days off from it because I'm getting burned out. 

 

[Cynder]

On 8/4/2024 at 2:25 PM, ShySoul said:

Let someone talk and they will reveal so much about themselves is shocking. As the quiet one who observes everything, I see how often people don't even realize the things they are saying and what it says about them.

My mother is just like that. She's always had this thought that she needs to find a man to be happy. So she gets with men who end up taking advantage of her or hurting her in some way. I've tried to get her to focus on her, but doubtful that's going to change at this point in her life.

So I'm not surprised when she regularly asks me if I have a girlfriend. I usually play it as a joke. Yes mom, I eloped last month and there is a baby coming in about nine months. Gets her off my back. What I want to say is, what does it matter? You barely let me talk on our calls as is and when you do that's the only thing you care about? 

My best friend also does't want kids. She's faced a lot of judgement about that. And I'm pretty certain at this point I won't be having children either. If that's our choice, shouldn't matter to anyone else. In the end, it's our lives. We just need to do what is right for us and ignore the ones that try to tell us what we should be doing. 

My Mom couldn't be single when she was younger.  Her and my dad were together for 15 years.  He moved out in December when they split up and by the end of January she had some ex convict living in our house who was also a drug dealer.  And suddenly we're getting creepy phonecalls in the middle of the night, and random sketchy people are showing up at our house.  And I, at 15, called her out on this and she's like, "Everyone has a special person, and I think he's mine!" Wow, you figured that out in the month you've known him huh? lol. 

And her interests, etc, have always depended on whatever man she's with.  Now she's single and not really into anything.  Like, if her current SO liked cars, suddenly she likes cars.  Her taste in music changed whenever she started dating someone new, too.  Now, she goes to work, comes home, and watches TV. 

It was funny a few months ago she insisted on putting me on her Netflix account.  She just couldn't fathom not having Netflix.  I told her I gave up almost all my streaming services because it was just a waste of money.  I kept Prime Video because it just comes with being a Prime member and the prime membership is useful for my business. I spend my free time creating.  I don't really sit and watch TV.  My TV in my living room hasn't even been turned on since like 2019.  I wonder if it even still works, lol.  But my Mom acted like me not having Netflix was such a sad thing.  And then as soon as she put me on her Netflix account she was like, "So did you watch anything no Netflix this week?"

I've told her she should try to find a hobby.  I didn't say it in a mean way.  She was complaining about how boring her life is.  I told her to get involved in something outside of work and the house. Like take a class at the community center, or get a gym membership, etc.  She doesn't seem interested.  She has two dogs.  I suggested taking the dogs to the dog park.  She would meet new people and the dogs would have fun.  That was a no-go too. 

The fact that she quit drinking also plays a big role in this too, though.  So much of her social life revolved around drinking.  Her situation makes it easy to understand why so many alcoholics fall off the wagon.  She quit, and made this awesome change in her life.  But now she has no social life.  And for a while she tried just going to the bar to hang out and not drinking.  But it was too much of a temptation for her. 

But yeah, my Mom always wants me to find someone.  But just like how she can't fathom not having Netflix, she can't fathom someone being single and happy. 

I've heard some interesting theories about how the birth rate going down will affect our society since so many younger people are deciding to not have kids and so many millennials chose to not have them.  I see the way my family has changed.  Since the grandparents are the glue that holds younger families together, and then when they die off, the kids hold the family together.  But in my family almost none of my generation has kids.  And so my extended family is drifting apart.  My youngest brother has two sons.  But I've never met them.  He doesn't speak to any of us.  It's sad seeing how whole families age.  When you're younger you think you're family will be around you forever, etc.  But that doesn't happen. 

 

[Cynder]

On 8/4/2024 at 2:42 PM, ShySoul said:

Cynder, how have you been? It's been a bit. Think I saw the revisions were done, or at least the first go through. Any update?

Hope life has been treating you kind.

Yep, first revisions are done.  Now I'm working on final revisions.  Chapters 1-10 are ready to publish.  11-14 are almost there.  I'm slowly learning to not tell anyone a book is finished until it's really finished.  Finishing the first draft doesn't count.  Finishing first revisions doesn't count.  It's not done until it's ready to publish.  This whole experience has taught me a lot about the process. 

Life has been treating me great.  I hope it's been the same for you.  🙂

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I would love to genuinely ask one of the people who assumes whoever is in the booth with me is the artist why they assumed that. 

Yeah, I can appreciate that. I love art festivals, and I'm often wrong about the artist. I hold a bias toward the person who makes eye contact or seems most friendly and willing to discuss the work. In my mind, anyone else is a support person. But it's often the support person who engages me, so I end up meeting the artist after that exchange, and I go through some confusion. Okay, but wait--sometimes there will be someone there who seems a bit busy and uninvolved in the exchange, and this makes me assign THEM as the artist. Or, the artist isn't even present at that moment. So I just try to be open to being taught about the vendors, the artists and their relationships. It's part of the fun for me, but really, I don't intend to offend anyone.

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

CPPD is this weekend and I'm not even excited.

I understand. Sometimes showing up is just a placeholder move. Consider challenging yourself to see how fun you can make it rather than sinking your energy down to circling a drain. I've surprised myself with this challenge countless times. Sometimes things are just so bad it's funny. Sometimes I just like making fun of how bad something is, and I end up having the best time I could NEVER have fathomed.

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I miss my nephew.  I don't miss his mother. 

Awww, I understand. Didn't you develop a favorable relationship with his grandmother and father? Could you possibly contact one of them to inquire about him? Maybe you could arrange to meet somewhere when one of them has him, and surprise him with a 'chance' meeting?

This wonderful boy will always think of you fondly, and you might be able to parlay that into some kind of relationship when he's old enough to make his own decisions. Meanwhile, no matter how you slice this, getting L out of your home was the best outcome regardless of price. I'm so happy your current roommates are working out and helping you to. live a peaceful life. You have earned this. You deserve this.

[Cynder]

So, In a few hours it will be time to load/set up for CPPD.  I just checked the weather for the city its in.  Of course, rain and thunderstorms all three days.  But, it rains every year at CPPD at least once.  Seriously, this is a show I've been at every year since 2015 and it rains at least once every time.  But this year they're calling for it all day all three days. 

I'm still trying to be positive, though.  Last season sucked, too.  And CPPD was the one show that made up for everything. 

I know I shouldn't think this way, but it also feels different since they tried to ban me two years ago, over literally nothing.  I didn't hear about this until very recently, but last year they tried the same thing with someone else.  It's very much a money driven event.  And I know all festivals are to some degree.  But the organizers of this event are notoriously money hungry.  It's free to attend, so they need to make their money somewhere.  The booth fee is really high.  The food/drink vendors pay twice what the artists pay, and then they have to give the organizers 40% of what they make, also. 

That's the case at most events, though.  People always complain about festival food being so expensive.  Well, it's expensive because the vendors need to make something.  They're not just there out of the kindness of their heart. 

Knowing that there are literally volunteers walking around everywhere and I can't ask anyone for help sucks, too.  Last year I refused help politely even when a volunteer offered.  Because they year before they were trying to ban me for asking for too much volunteer help.  But they also were trying to say that I asked a volunteer to go get food for me, which I didn't do.  And they tried to say I had a volunteer help me close and secure my tent on Saturday night, when it was D who helped me close and secure my tent.  So, just the fact that the people in charge decided I'm banned and then lied through their teeth about why makes the whole event feel different for me.  Now I feel like I have to document everything I do when I'm up there.  Last year I took video of myself opening/closing the tent and setup and breakdown to prove that no volunteers were helping.  It just sucks that I have to watch my back and make sure I can prove everything.  Ans volunteers are there actively helping all the other vendors but I have to refuse help because I might get in trouble.  I know for sure it had nothing to do with volunteers, though.  It was my rich spoiled brat ex just deciding to wave his money around and eliminate someone he feels threatened by.  And last year he tried to do the same thing to someone else. 

But, I always come back from CPPD feeling inspired and remembering why I do this.  It's hard to believe this season is almost over.  I have SCMF in a month and then WF in October, and then nothing until MK in December.  I really need to get out of this deep art slump I'm in. 

[Cynder]

So...  CPPD did not disappoint. 

I only made half what I usually make.  But I'm not going to complain at all, because after the year I've had I expected nothing.  CPPD is always my highest grossing show of the year.  I pull thousands in one weekend.  My gross was still in the thousands this year, but half my average.  Still, it's enough to pay bills for a while, take my two cats to the vet and get their shots updated, do something fun for myself, and replace my upstairs toilet.  I definitely won't complain. 

And the people...  this is an event with the best vendor community around, and the people who come to it every year are amazing.  People come from several states away for these three days.  Some people are walking around practically naked, covered in body paint and glitter.  Some wear really elaborate costumes.  Isis and Osiris were walking around.  This woman dressed as Isis had this massive crown, and she was wearing this long flowing white dress.  There was this one girl walking around with long rainbow dreads, and she was all painted up all over her body in swirling colors.  There's really no way I can describe all the beauty I see every year at this event.  And I don't just mean attractive people but people who make themselves into moving works of art. 

Every year there's a theme.  This year's theme was Respect to the Elders.  They had what was called the March of Crones, which was really beautiful to watch.  All these older women marched through the festival playing rattles, tambourines, etc.  One lady who participated was almost a hundred years old.  She had really long white hair and was wearing this black lacy gown.  She had flowers in her hair and was smiling from ear to ear the whole time.  If I live that long I hope that's me when I'm 98. Our society is so obsessed with youth.  People act like once someone is over 40 they have nothing of value anymore, especially women. 

Saturday we got some heavy rain and high winds.  I mean, I actually got scared for a minute. My tent is one of the best available so I knew it wasn't going anywhere.  But I was afraid for the safety of others, etc.  Like, who cares if my tent is standing if a tornado comes through here and completely levels the place.  A lot of the vendors lowered their tents.  I can't lower mind because of the gridwalls.  But I lowered my side flaps and secured everything.  And because my tent was still up, a lot of people came to it for shelter.  And so I had all these people to hang out with during the storm and a lot of them bought stuff.  I can't wait to go through my log book and see how many magnets I sold this weekend because it was a lot. 

The open drum circle is always impressive, but this year they had a lot more people join that played other instruments.  There was someone wailing on a flute like Jethro Tull.  There was also a bag piper.  My tent is near the stage, so I get to see and hear all this while I'm working.  And every year they have so many amazing musicians there.  CPPD definitely has the best live music out of all the events I do. 

Every year I have people come into my booth who tell me they look forward to seeing my work all year.  Some people even come just to see me.  At least that's what they say.  They could say that to every vendor. But it's nice to hear it. 

Friday morning when I was setting up I had my hair up in a messy bun.  I have what is basically rainbow hair right now.  The only color that isn't in my hair atm is orange.  So I wasn't going to keep my hair up.  It was just for setup because it was hotter than Satan's armpit.  So I was setting up with my hair up,.  Then once the booth was all set up I took my hair down.  This lady came into the booth and she was like, "When will the artist be back?"  She was one of my first customers, too.  I remember thinking, "Jeez, I hope this isn't going to be how it goes all weened." I told her I'm the artist.  And she's like, "Well I thought the girl that was over here earlier was."  And I said, "I'm the only one that's been here all day."  And she's like, "Oh, you had your hair up earlier."  At least her reason makes sense. 

A few years ago I kinda snapped at a customer who was in my booth all weekend trying so hard to get in L's pants.  He was coming over 5-6 times a day to ask her if she needed anything.  "Hey, I'm running to the food trucks, do you want me to bring you anything, my treat?' etc.  And finally on the third day he starts telling her how talented she is and how he's seen so many people walking around carrying her art. She told him it's actually me who's the artist and he gave me this annoyed look, and I said something like, "Yeah I know it's hard to believe but ugly people have talent too."  Not my proudest moment.  It was less than two weeks since Z and I broke up.  I was unemployed, heart broken, etc.  Not excuses, but I didn't have the resolve I normally do. 

Well, Mr. Wonderful came into my booth this weekend.  He asked "Where's the other artist?"  I said I'm the only artist. And he's like, "Well I remember a couple years ago that other girl was here and most of the art was hers." I said no other artist has ever worked this booth with me.  All the art is mine. And then he starts looking at the magnets and he's like, "The magnets are hers though, right?"  I'm thinking, Dude, I made you look like a total idiot in 2021, do I need to do that again? I told him the magnets, and everything else, are my work.  I'm the only artist who has ever had any artwork in this booth.  And he's like, "Well I just remember that some of it was hers before."  I just gave up at that point.  Then he starts asking how she's doing and why she's not here.  I was about to be like, "Here, here's her number.  Call her and ask her."  But I didn't.  I gave him generic answers until he went away. 

D texted me yesterday and told me he wasn't going to make it this year.  He's so miserable right now.  He's absolutely heartbroken over the end of his marriage. I told him not to worry.  I understand.  He is one of those people who prefers to be alone when depressed. And he's also someone who can't just go to a festival and keep to himself.  And at CPPD everyone knows him.  So as soon as he walks in everyone would be circling him asking if he's doing a fire show this year, and where's the skunk at?  

I did have someone come up to me yesterday and invite me to an Alice In Wonderland festival in October.  But that whole conversation was kind of weird too because they were like, "We were here two years ago too.  And we were really hoping to talk to that other girl who helped you because we want her there as an artist too."  I told them the art is all mine.  She just helped me in the booth. And they were like, "Well didn't she do all the Alice in Wonderland paintings?"  "Nope, I did those." "Oh!  Well in that case we really want you to come to our event and be a vendor."  So, I'm most likely signing up to do this event.  I was reading about it online.  It sounds so amazing and right up my alley, too.  If I wasn't vending I would probably go to it just to go.  It's an AIW event, but it's 21+ and 420 friendly.  There's a tea room there serving cannabis infused tea (which I love.) There are some really cool art installations happening, etc.  So, even if for some reason I decide to not be a vendor, I still want to just go and have fun.  

It's been interesting seeing events like this pop up since weed became legal in my state. 

Anyway, I need to get a shower and head to the grocery store.  I don't have anything to pack for lunches this week. 

 

[Batya33]

Interesting weekend! I'm glad about the $ you made too! I liked your descriptions of the people -what people watching opportunity!

[Cynder]

I think I might be coming down with the festival flu.  I hope not.  It could just be exhaustion.  CPPD is an exhausting show, even though it's fun.  The days are long.  And it was so hot this weekend.  Plus dealing with horizontal rain and high winds off and on all day Saturday didn't help. 

A lot of people probably wonder what's so exhausting about sitting in a booth all day.  Well, for an introvert, having to smile and talk to people for 12 hours is really draining.  And then since there is live music and I'm near the stage, having to scream while bands are on stage starts to hurt the throat after a while.  My voice is usually pretty hoarse by the end of the weekend.  And really, doing anything for 12 hours is exhausting.  And then, doing that for 3 days in a row... 

And I'm a healthy eater.  This weekend a lot of unhealthy food was consumed.  If you're not used to that, you feel it. 

Last year I got really sick after CPPD.  I'm hoping this year isn't a repeat of that.  And a few vendors that were there last year got it.  We all had the same symptoms.  And D's mom (well, the lady he calls Mom) she got it too, most likely from me since she was in and out of my booth a lot when she was there, and she did give me a hug before she left. 

I wish there was something I could do to help D out right now.  But nothing helps a broken heart, really.  No matter what anyone says, nothing is just going to make it go away but time.  When Z and I split up I had my core group of friends who I could message any time.  And even though nothing they said made it stop, just the fact that I had people to talk to made it a little easier.  And he knows I'm always here. 

We've become so isolated as a society.  Everyone is in their own little bubble doing their own thing.  I know for me, I don't reach out to people like I should because I always think, "If they wanted to talk to me, they would talk to me."  But other people think that way, too.  And so no one reaches out to anyone.  When my siblings were born, I remember the house was just full of people for days afterwords.  Everyone was coming over to hang out and see the baby, and help my Mom out with stuff, etc.  No one does that anymore.  Now everyone just sees pics of the baby on social media and that's it.  People also used to gather like that when someone died.  Now that's not really a thing anymore.  And then when someone's going through a rough time and they post a lot of sad things on social media, it's "Oh, they're such a downer.  Such a drama king.  So emo."  Etc.  Well yeah, that's the case for some people.  But some people who are posting a lot of sad things online are probably doing that because they don't have anyone around to actually talk to and they're afraid to reach out and bother people. 

Idk...  I'm feeling pretty cruddy and I need to sleep and let my body heal itself from whatever is going on here. 

[Batya33]

I hope you feel better !

[Cynder]

Part one of Needles is completely finalized.  As in, all revisions are made and my editor has gone over it.  It's ready to publish right now.  But, there are two more parts.  Editor is working his way through part two. 

I feel like one of those people who has been working on some project forever that they never seem to finish.  But, I see it this way, I can release a halfassed novel I'm not happy with or I can release something I'm proud of. 

Since it's told in three parts I've considered releasing it as a trilogy.  But all three parts are just under the length required to be called a novel.  So it's basically three novellas that are connected, in one book.  Part one followed one cast of characters.  Part two follows a different cast of characters.  In part three, both stories intersect. 

In writing circles, the person who is always talking about this book and not finishing it is almost a trope.  I wonder if that's how people see me.  But, it's not a fast process.  People who crank out books like factory workers end up publishing crap.  (D's Sister... lol. "Look at me!  I've written five books this year!"  Ok, but who's reading them?  They all have one 5 star review and it's clearly you under a fake account.  And the one that I looked at on Amazon was full of punctuation mistakes and grammatical errors.  Yeah, I'm taking my time.  But I won't release crap, either. 

Vladimir Nabokov spent five years writing Lolita. Flowers in the Attic was written in three weeks.  Both are classics. So, there is no timeline.  And if anyone wants to pick apart my examples and point out that one is about pedophilia and the other is about incest, I know that.  I was only thinking of the longest and shortest examples I know for how long someone spent writing a book. 

I also need to be a little easier on myself and take into consideration that I started this in 2021 just for the hell of it.  I didn't plan on actually taking it anywhere.  I wrote to blow off steam and process all the crap Z put me through.  And I lost several friends at that time, so most of my support system was gone.  So, from 2021 to 2023, I basically just worked on it at my leisure and honestly never expected to finish.  It wasn't until July of 2023 when I met my editor that I decided to actually publish it.  So really, I've only been grinding at it for a little over a year.  From 2023 to the middle of 2023 I wrote maybe eight chapters.  There are 43 chapters total, and an intro and an epilogue.  So I wrote all those additional chapters, plus the intro and the epilogue, in a year. 

So many people keep asking me when it will be done.  But in reality, most of those people don't really care.  They are just making conversation. No one cares about your work as much as you do.  That's a hard pill to swallow for a lot of creative people, but it's the truth.  I know there are obsessive fans, etc.  Harry Potter has a near cultlike fandom.  But most creative people don't put out a pop culture juggernaut like that. 

Anyway, got to go do some video editing, because that deadline is fast approaching. 

 

[Batya33]

Congratulations on finishing part one! I loved Flowers in the Attic.  I've been reading Ann Patchett's book of essays These Precious Days - and many of the essays are about her writing process and even - her cover art and how that comes around, etc, the process. I love her descriptions of her process and how she reacts to how others describe theirs or even tell her how she should approach wirting lol.  

[Cynder]

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Congratulations on finishing part one! I loved Flowers in the Attic.  I've been reading Ann Patchett's book of essays These Precious Days - and many of the essays are about her writing process and even - her cover art and how that comes around, etc, the process. I love her descriptions of her process and how she reacts to how others describe theirs or even tell her how she should approach wirting lol.  

I still haven't read Flowers in the Attic. It's not that I find it offensive or anything.  There are just a lot of other things I would rather read instead.  VC Andrews' story is interesting to me, though.  Considering she was a disabled author in a time when disabled people were basically seen as throw-away humans (and we still kind of are seen that way, sadly) And the fact that a ghost writer is still publishing books under her name forty years after her death is a whole story in itself. 

I will have to check out These Precious Days.  It sounds interesting. 

I'm learning along the way that writers, in general aren't the nicest people.  I've spent a good amount of time hanging out with musicians, film makers, and artists.  And Of all the creative groups, writers are the most toxic.  Film makers are the least toxic.  This is just my experience.  I know there are always exceptions for everything.  I also have a slanted view of things because most of the writers I interact with are online.  And people are just mean online everywhere.  The group of writers that gets together every month at open Mic night are all really cool people.  But also, I only interact with the for a couple hours once a month.  I have no idea what they are all like outside of that insular space. 

I think ego has a lot to do with it.  Of all the creative people I know, writers have the biggest egos.  And a lot of well known authors are known to be jerks.  There are so many stories about what a legendary a*shole Hunter S Thomspon is.  Bret Easton Ellis is known to be a royal scumbag.  (And they are both authors my style gets compared to a lot.) Neil Gaiman has been in hot water for sexually harassing his female employees.  I'm sitting here trying to think of any stories I've ever heard about an author being really kind, and I honestly haven't heard one.  But, I also know people rarely tell stories about kindness.  It's the bad things people do that get noticed, especially famous people.  A celeb does some great charitable thing and it might get mentioned here and there in passing.  A celeb gets caught beating their wife, and it's plastered everywhere in huge headlines. 

There are so many stories out there of authors harassing people who gave their book a bad review, etc. I've said before I can't wait for my first bad review.  But I've also learned that in the writing community, being excited about a bad review is seen as really negative and attention seeking behavior.  But it's also just as bad if you get excited about your good reviews. In fact, if you look at your reviews at all, it's bad. But every author looks at their reviews. Why is it such a taboo thing? I also see so many writers telling other writers they aren't a "real writer."  Ok, well real is an arbitrary concept when it comes to creative things.  Artists don't sit around telling other artists they aren't real artists.  I've never seen a musician or a film maker say that about other musicians or film makers, either.  But writers love to get up on their soap box talking about who's a real writer and who isn't. 

I'm also slowly learning all the annoying things non writers say to writers.  Just like all artists hear from non artists how we should suffer for our work, all writers get told by non writers that we should write what we know.  Someone here told me that once in a really condescending, virtual finger wagging kind of way.  People don't seem to understand that only writing what you know is very limiting.  If I only wrote what I know, I would just write the same story over and over again.  And where's the creativity in that?  No one ever tells artists they should only paint/draw what they can see in front of their eyes.  No one tells musicians they should only play music they've already heard.  No one expects film makers to only make documentaries about things they personally have experienced.  So I don't understand why so many people tell writers they should only write what they know.  If you really want to get literal with that statement, all fiction could never exist.  Because no one can know what didn't happen.

I know I'm rambling.  But an author writing about her reactions to other people telling her how to write is what made me think about all this. 

 

[Cynder]

I'm a firm believer in Karma.  I know I've talked about it before on here.  But, I think Karma is a lot more nuanced than most people realize.  In its simplest form, you do good, you get good.  You do bad, you get bad.  But when you get into the more complex nature of it, you get a situation like the one I'm about to talk about. 

So many times in my life, I've found myself on the other side of situations that upset me when I was younger. 

So, when I was dating M, the vendor I was with for three years, after I ended it, suddenly all these people came out of the woodwork (mostly friends/acquaintances of his) to tell me about his sketchy history with women, and how they were always so worried for me. At the time this was validating, but it also pissed me off to a degree. Like one one hand, it's nice to know I'm not crazy. But on the other hand, why didn't anyone say anything? And I've looked back and tried to analyze whether my younger self would have believed them if they did. I doubt it, sadly. People like him are so good at convincing everyone they are amazing. And a lot of people who know this guy will tell you how amazing he is. But they are people who know him from afar. Anyone who knows him well will tell you all about the long line of exes he treated like garbage, and about how he treats his family like garbage, etc. He is one of those guys who is an absolute saint until he gets her reeled in. And the change was gradual with him too. He really had a way of making me think I was just nuts. And throw in the fact that I have mental problems, and it's easy to see why I fell for his crap.

But anyway, I was validated and pissed when people told me how worried they were for me. I got over it. I never said anything to any of these people because like I said, I probably wouldn't have believed it anyway.

So now, let me get tot he current situation.  Years ago, an author I know, Ashley, hired me to do a book cover. Well, after meeting up a few times and talking about the cover, we started realizing we have a lot in common and we became friends. I did another book cover for her about a year ago and she's the one who introduced me to open mic night. When I met her she was completely in love with her ex husband. She said he was her person. She told me she never felt complete until she met him, etc. When he cheated, she was devastated.  He was the inspiration for two of her books, one of the ones I did the cover for was inspired by him. When she first took me to open mic night, they were celebrating her book release. And he was there. On the way home, she cried to me about him having a new gf, and how she just can't move on even though it's been years. They have two kids together, I get it.  She's always going to love him.  No judgment. 

So, recently she found a new boyfriend.  She hasn't been to open mic in a few months and she kind of dropped off the radar for a while. Well, last night she showed up. She was just glowing. She couldn't wait to tell us all about how they met, etc.  And she said all the same things she used to say about her ex husband.  He's her person.  She met the other half of her soul when she met him, etc.  They were together a week when he told her he loved her.  In a month they were living together. It's been two months and they're engaged.  Anyone else see the red flags here? 

But it's not just that.  She was so excited about him coming to open mic. She couldn't wait to introduce him to everyone. She's written about a hundred poems and stories about him. She was so happy.  And it was awesome seeing her that happy.  But then it's getting time to start, and he's not there. He texted her and said he'd be there in 5 minutes.  So after some discussion, the lady in charge asked if we should wait for him.  Ashley said no, he's going to be here any minute, let's just get started. Well, an hour goes by, and he's not there, and I just see her getting more and more upset but trying to not show it.  She's checking her phone obsessively, etc.  And finally after an hour, he shows up. 

She really wanted him to come up front with her while she read poems about him, and it was so clear he didn't want to. And, aside from that... dude just gave me the ick.  Not in a shallow way.  He's actually really good looking. But something about his vibe just made me not want to be near him.  I know I'm the world's worst judge of character, so it might be nothing. But it seem, to me, like she's being love bombed by some guy who doesn't care that much about her. And she wants that so bad that she's not seeing any of the red flags.

And so now here I am looking back to the people who saw me in that situations and decided to not say anything. And I can see their side of it.  I don't know if I looked near as happy or glowed near as much as she was last night.  I mean, I've known her for years and I've never seen her so happy.  I hope this guy is genuine. But I just can feel it that he isn't. It was so obvious he didn't want to be there and didn't give a crap about her poetry or anyone else there. He showed up an hour late knowing this was important to her, etc.

And she's been through so much in her life.  She's an absolutely brilliant writer.  She's actually one of the people who inspired me to get more serious about my own writing. I'm worried for her and I don't really know how to proceed. I blew so much hot air about how if I was ever on the other side of things I would speak up.  But now I can see why the people who didn't speak up when I was with M didn't. 

Anyway...  I need t get some sleep. 

 

[Batya33]

I've been in very very similar situations with friends. My boundaries are I say something only if abuse or like that.  Also some people will listen to you but then if they settle for the Ick person they likely won't want to be around you as  the reminder.  One time I mentioned to a friend like your friend that it seemed like too much too soon including excessive checking in calls every day and she wasn't happy to hear that from me.  A couple of months later they moved in together and it was over a month or so after that because living with him and his kids I guess showed her other sides. I'm glad I didn't say more than I had though. Maybe I shouldn't have even said  that.

I feel so badly for your friend waiting there for him to show at an event like that!!

[Cynder]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

I feel so badly for your friend waiting there for him to show at an event like that!!

Yeah, I felt awful for her. To see her go from grinning ear to ear to looking like she was about to cry, over an hour's time was rough. And I've been in similar situations to that, too.  M was really bad about stuff like that. Not the same, but M and I would make plans that involved me coming to his house. He lived 30 minutes away. It was really expensive to take public transportation to his place. So I would get a ride and then he wouldn't be there. And I would text him, "Hey, I'm here, etc." It was always some answer like, "Well I had errands to run..."  Ok, that's fine, but you knew I was coming over.  Like am I not important enough for you to be here when I get here?  And he would come back with something like, "So, are you saying you expect me to not take care of stuff I need to do just because you're coming over?" And then I look like the bad guy.  And on top of all that, then he would start texting all his friends talking about how I'm trying to control him and tell him when he's allowed to go run errands.  "Oh God... my gf is so controlling! I can't even run to the store without her complaining!!!"

Last night could have been a fluke, I suppose.  I really am rooting for her and hoping I'm wrong. None of the a-holes in my past gave me the ick until it was too late.  So I can't pick 'em, either, lol.