Don't know if I want to have kids

[Double J]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 6 and a half years. We've had our ups and downs, but for the most part, our relationship has been as close to perfect as I could have ever hoped for.

 

We share similar interests and goals -- except when it comes to the question of having/not having kids. She's made it clear that, ideally, she would want two. (She says she wouldn't want the kid to grapple with only-child syndrome.)

 

Over the years, I've maintained that I would only like to have one. But lately I've been questioning whether I want any kids at all. I've grown distant from many of my friends and family members in recent years as a result of their having kids. I worry that the same will happen with my girlfriend once we have one of our own. This may sound selfish, but sometimes I fret at the thought of having to share the affections of my g/f. As a teacher who's forced to deal with unruly kids all day long, she's exhausted as it is when she comes home. This sometimes leads to problems in the love-making department.

 

Now imagine having to tend to a child; the sex will no doubt be put on the back burner. Yet, I also see the upside to having kids: being loved and relied upon, the joy of bring a little piece of you and your spouse into the world, having someone to take care of you when you hit your later years, etc.

 

As you can see, this presents a big problem. Her family is big on having kids, and there's no question that bringing these doubts to light at this stage of the game would not sit well with neither my g/f nor her folks.

 

I plan on proposing to my g/f in December or January. Maybe this is simply a case of cold feet, but I need advice. Is it normal to feel this way as the pressure to move on to the next stage of your relationship mounts?

 

Thanks in advance.

[lastcall23]

I certainly think it's perfectly normal for you to feel a bit scared about taking the next step. Change is scary for anyone, good or bad, its still change and you always need time to adjust.

 

While I have no personal experince as far as having kids goes, I think that while yes, it will change the dynamic of your relationship immensley, I don't think it would necessarily take away from it. If anything, I think a child would add to it. If you two already have a good relationship, sharing something that is apart of you two would be a blessing every day. Yes, it will be stressful no doubt but one things I've seen with my family memebers is that once they had kids, they made time for themselves and each other, with no kids. My aunt and uncle have a date night every week where either one of my older cousins or family members will watch my 6 year old cousin for a few horus and they get to spend time together. They have the perfect marriage to me so I don't necessarily think that as much will change as you think. You won't stop loving your girlfriend any less and neither will she, you will just be sharing a love for your child and that bond will more than likely bring you closer than anything else.

[hexaemeron]

Why does everyone automatically say that children will add more to a relationship than take away? I don't think that's always the case, at all. I think they can, but you see just as many posts here about marriages that fall apart because the people can no longer see themselves as husband and wife, just mom and dad. Children are a massive, massive responsibility that divides couples just as much (if not more) than brings them together.

 

If you're unsure, OP, really talk to parents who have been on the good side and not so good side of things and make the best informed and balanced decision you can. Children don't come with erasers.

[banal]

Hex is spot on with that analysis. Once you have a kid, your world changes. My God, the number of antisocial zombies - I mean, parents - I've seen over the years is all I need to convince me that I'm not having a child until I'm absolutely ready, emotionally and financially.

 

OP, understand though that it will be hard for you to find a woman who also doesn't want kids and who doesn't already come saddled with them. You may have to suck this one up.

[FarthestEdge]

As I always say in these threads, kids are relationship amplifiers...whatever is great, will most likely get even better, and whatever is not-so-great, will in all likelihood fester and grow worse.

 

It's a tough call, I went through it with DH. We both went through a period where we contemplated not having children at all, but his phase lasted much, much longer than mine. At one point, I had to consider the possibility that I may have to choose between him or a life with someone else who would give me children.

 

I will say that one thing you want to consider more, is the long-term horizon of your life. I always hear people talk about the sex dilemma with kids, and I won't lie, it is a challenge, and things DO change. But 'different' doesn't have to mean 'worse'. But imagine your life in 20, 30, 50 years...what do you want to look back and see, when you are 85 years old? What do you think you will want to leave behind? There's more to life than just sex, and it's a long journey to the end. Consider the whole picture as much as possible.

 

Men are luckier in this regard, they can say at 30 that they don't want kids, and at 45, have a change of heart. Men can father children well into their 60's whereas fertility in women begins to drop off as early as 35. So you have to at least appreciate and respect for your gf that the issue IS more urgent to her, because you have a much longer time horizon.

 

But that's just the way it is, and we all have to deal with that. DH and I were together 10 years before we took the plunge. Benefits of this are that we are very solid in our relationship, and financially (which not being is a HUGE stressor with small kids). I worried that after so long together, we'd struggle with giving up our freedom to be selfish, spontaneous and irresponsible. But I discovered that in truth, we were ready for this new and totally different adventure.

 

Yes, sometimes it's exhausting, and stifling and restrictive. Every now and then we look at our divorced friends with just bit of envy for being kid-free every other weekend, and our childless friends who have money and time to do things we can't but that's a selective view of their situations and we both know it. There are parts of their lives we wouldn't want at all, and every choice has a price ...But we had our time, and lots of it, and we will again when the kids are older. And I know when we do, we'll miss the days when all they wanted to do is BE with US, these days.

[tattoobunnie]

Hmm...odd, every couple with kids I know report great sex lives, including my parents, and my brother and his wife. And he and his wife run several marathons each year, go out with friends, do volunteer work...BUTTTTT...they also have the support of my parents and myself to babysit regularly. So the main difference is, do you have people that support you having a family, or is it just you two on your own?

 

I mean, I run three companies, a non-profit, mentor start-ups and young professionals, and have an active social life, and looking forward to having kids...if you really think that kids are gonna cramp your style, and you think your girl doesn't have enough love to go around...I suggest talking to her about this...cuz for one, when you get old and wrinkly with a walker...do you wanna end up at Shady Pines, or have your kids looking out for you? Do you want to start over with a new woman who does not want kids as well, or are you open to leaving a legacy behind?

 

Either way, you don't sound ready to have them...I would not drag your girlfriend along.