allsunny Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I'm not sure what to do or say? 1. He didn't open the door for me. *maybe I'm being a spoiled brat* 2. He took me on a really cheap date (but he probably doesn't have a whole lot of money right now) 3. It was somewhat trashy. 4. We made out on the back of his truck. (It's my fault for being trashy.) I feel so... blah after the date. I felt cheap (not the financial part of the date), but cheap as in how I handled myself. (made out). I believe he's a compulsive liar. He's told many stories and a few I caught him in a lie. He talks himself up. BUT, he also has other great qualities. He's was sweet (besides the fact seduced me and I fell for it!) I just felt "trapped" since he was driving. At least, he didn't go farther when I stopped him. But still. I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him anymore. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. What should I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elcie Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I believe he's a compulsive liar. He's told many stories and a few I caught him in a lie. He talks himself up........... This is the only thing that would be of concern to me.......if you believe he's a liar, then it would be best not to go any further. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 1. He didn't open the door for me. *maybe I'm being a spoiled brat* Did you open the door for him? 2. He took me on a really cheap date (but he probably doesn't have a whole lot of money right now) Did you offer to pay your share? 3. It was somewhat trashy. What does that mean? 4. We made out on the back of his truck. (It's my fault for being trashy.) Why is that trashy? Are you sure he was lying? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 1. He didn't open the door for me. *maybe I'm being a spoiled brat* Did you open the door for him? 2. He took me on a really cheap date (but he probably doesn't have a whole lot of money right now) Did you offer to pay your share? 3. It was somewhat trashy. What does that mean? 4. We made out on the back of his truck. (It's my fault for being trashy.) Why is that trashy? Are you sure he was lying? ^The double standards are really everywhere huh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iakasot Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Why don't you take him out on a date that's not cheap? Why don't you open doors for him? Why don't you take him to a place to make-out that's better than the back of a truck? Why don't you create a situation where you're attracted to him for who he is and he doesn't have to lie? See how everything's on him? All the pressure to get you attracted to him, all the pressure to take you out, pay for you, and make out in the right place. It's not exactly fair, but you don't see him making topics about it. You're making a topic about something where he's actually getting the short end of the stick, from what I can ascertain. If I'm wrong, by all means tell me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allsunny Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 I was really upset, because I have been raped twice. I didn't now what to do. He put his hand on me, and I didn't move. I just laid stiff. Then he kissed my neck when I didn't stop him. I think I got scared. I didn't say no, but every time I kept trying to push his hands away. He would hold my face and kiss me, and I just had my arms to the side. Really, this was my main concern about being rude. The drive in was very trashy. I felt trashy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I was really upset, because I have been raped twice. I didn't now what to do. He put his hand on me, and I didn't move. I just laid stiff. Then he kissed my neck when I didn't stop him. I think I got scared. I didn't say no, but every time I kept trying to push his hands away. He would hold my face and kiss me, and I just had my arms to the side. Really, this was my main concern about being rude. The drive in was very trashy. I felt trashy. I think accepting a date to a drive-in for a first date would not be the best choice. I think in hindsight, you should have not accepted that date. I would not call him rude - but he's not a very classy guy (for asking you to a drive-in on first date). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Allsunny, I'm sorry you have been raped. Have you gone to counselling? I think it's ok to enjoy a guy opening doors, but if he doesn't I wouldn't call him rude. If a guy wants to take you to a location you feel is trashy, do not go. Express your boundaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ariel85 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 You were raped twice in two different situations? You poor thing! But, you do seem to put yourself in potentially dangerous situations that compromise your boundaries. Going on a car date with a stranger isn't the smartest move, particularly with your history. The whole thing is ripe for triggers. Which is what this date was about, really. Him re-triggering your traumas. If you continue to put yourself in positions that mimick that loss of control, it's going to be hard to date and develope a solid footing so you can begin trusting men again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allsunny Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 thanks for helping me understand that I have patterns that I repeat. I think I do tend to put myself in dangerous situations. I've never been to a drive in, and I didn't know how it would turn out. But, I should have known better. I'm trying to avoid him. He said he wanted to buy me diner on Wednesday. I'm not sure if I want to go or not. Do you think what happened is a red flag? Should I go on that diner date with him? or Should I just kick him to the curb? I know it's not his fault. I put myself in that situation, and I definitely felt all the triggers. I'm afraid that I don't know how to handle situations like that. It's terrible. At least he didn't force it on me. I did push him away when he kissed my neck. I just felt like out of all the place he wanted to have sex with me was at the drive in at the back of his truck. I'm starting to think that specific guys KNOW how to manipulate me. I don't know why I accept guys like him into my life. Again, he's not terrible. If I said I wanted to go home, he would have taken me home. But, I felt terrible that night. Should I just stop talking to him? Every time I think it's me overreacting and not them, I end up getting hurt, because it really was them. So, I'm very confused again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 What would be a red flag? Kissing you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ariel85 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Quite simply - there are bad people and good people in this world. If you don't have any idea how to decifer the two, and no ability to discern a safe situation from a dangerous one, then either brings chaperones, group date, or don't date at all. As for this guy - I can't really blame him for trying a little something something. When girls get into cars to go to a drive-in with total strangers, it sends a message that you WANT something to happen. You were lucky this time that he respected your request to stop. Next guy may not be so decent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 We're getting a little too hung up on the fact that it was a drive-in date. That is irrevelant. If the guy was a creep-O than he'd be a creep-O if he took you to Red Lobster's, a walk on the beach, opened your door and flew you out to London the next morning and made love to you in the ocean. NOTE Ladies. If you aren't paying for your own share of the meal then you have no right to complain about where a guy takes you out to eat. If it bothers you that much, then either don't go out with him or offer another restaurant suggestion and offer to pay your portion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 NOTE Ladies. If you aren't paying for your own share of the meal then you have no right to complain about where a guy takes you out to eat. If it bothers you that much, then either don't go out with him or offer another restaurant suggestion and offer to pay your portion. ^^ I think that's pretty reasonable too. OP: As to what to do: If you're not really interested in this guy then you don't go out with him on any further dates (if he asks you). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banal Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Quite simply - there are bad people and good people in this world. If you don't have any idea how to decifer the two, and no ability to discern a safe situation from a dangerous one, then either brings chaperones, group date, or don't date at all. As for this guy - I can't really blame him for trying a little something something. When girls get into cars to go to a drive-in with total strangers, it sends a message that you WANT something to happen. You were lucky this time that he respected your request to stop. Next guy may not be so decent. Agreed. OP, here's the thing. Like everyone else with any decency who posts here, I'm very sorry that you've been assaulted. But being raped is very rare, and for it to have happened to you twice suggests that you're putting yourself in dangerous situations. And you are as confirmed by this dating story. I wouldn't focus on this particular date if I were you; I'd be more interested in figuring out what constitutes a dangerous situation and trying to prevent putting myself in them. I don't know how well you knew this guy, but it doesn't sound like a lot. You let him drive you to a drive-in, and you got in the backseat with him. This is bad. You need to understand why it's bad and to take steps to prevent it from happening again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FathomFear Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Nothing in your post is particular rude or trashy. It sounds like you're struggling with double-standards and a conservative mindset when it comes to dating. It would probably be best to stay single for a while, work on your confidence and self-esteem, and then head back to the dating scene. Feeling scared/powerless at any point is a sign that you need to work on your sense of self. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ariel85 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 We're getting a little too hung up on the fact that it was a drive-in date. That is irrevelant. If the guy was a creep-O than he'd be a creep-O if he took you to Red Lobster's, a walk on the beach, opened your door and flew you out to London the next morning and made love to you in the ocean. Adamantly disagree. A woman getting into a car with a stranger puts herself at great risk. She is captive and its very easy for her to be victimized. A woman meeting a guy at the local Red Lobster and driving herself to and from, reduces/eliminates the opportunity to become a statistic. I think in the times we live in, even a guy offering to drive on a first blind date is odd, as pretty much everyone knows this goes against wise safety protocol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 When girls get into cars to go to a drive-in with total strangers, it sends a message that you WANT something to happen. You were lucky this time that he respected your request to stop. Next guy may not be so decent. Not being a rapist isn't my definition of a decent guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I dont think he was rude but clearly he isnt going through the formalities that some guys would. What sounds more accurate are that your expectations of him were not met, as opposed to him being rude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allsunny Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 so, there's nothing wrong with this guy? Was it all me? He said he wants to take me to diner. Should I trust him and go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allsunny Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 And It really wasn't the back seat of his car. It was at the bed of his truck. He faced the car the opposite way, so we had to hang out at the back in order to watch the movie. I've never been to a drive in theater, so maybe I'm naive, but I really didn't think people really did go there just to make out. He seemed like a genuinely nice person, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I didn't think he would attempt anything. So, my expectations weren't met, and now I feel like I really do put myself in dangerous situations. I'm contemplating not dating again for a while... I was so scared to say no, and every time kissed my neck, I can't believe he didn't feel me pushing him away. He would hug me, and I didn't hug him back. I felt completely vulnerable again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I didn't think he would attempt anything. So, my expectations weren't met, and now I feel like I really do put myself in dangerous situations. I'm contemplating not dating again for a while... I was so scared to say no, and every time kissed my neck, I can't believe he didn't feel me pushing him away. He would hug me, and I didn't hug him back. I felt completely vulnerable again. OK Sunny, it's becoming clearer to me how low your self-esteem is and how you might not be ready to date riight now. You need to learn to exert your boundaries and not expect others to read your mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sambuca Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I generally think it's a bad idea to spend a lot of money on a first date. The guy risks blowing a load of cash on a girl he ends up never seeing again, and the girl feels obliged to see the guy again (or at least make out with him) because he spent lots of money on her. It's a bad situation for both parties. So I don't think that keeping the cost of a first date down is necessarily a red flag. Good manners cost nothing though - I'd at least have expected him to open the door. You probably shouldn't have made out with him on the first date though; that is a bit trashy. Getting in his truck was also dangerous if he was a stranger. Perhaps you lack boundaries when it comes to how far you can safely and respectably go with a man you don't know too well? You need to think more about staying safe and maintaining appropriate boundaries until you get to know someone better. Not having much money doesn't make him trashy - if you don't want to date him because he isn't well off then that's a whole different issue. He has offered to take you on another date, but you already set yourself up in his eyes as a girl who's easy, so don't be surprised if he pushes for sex (don't give it to him if he does). You said he's a liar, and that's a huge red flag - if your intuition is telling you this guy isn't being straight with you then maybe you're better off cutting him loose. The next time you date someone, maintain respectable boundaries from the very beginning if you want him to respect you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Even Flow Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Why should he splurge a bunch of money on you if he doesn't even know you? how is any of this his fault? take responsibility. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allsunny Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 This guy is also not a stranger. I've known him for 6 months, and that's why I trusted him more than other guys... but should i go on a second date with him then? And technically i didn't make out with him. He got on top of me, and i held my hand over my chest and tried to push him away.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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