lostwithouther Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Last Thursday as you all read my ex came to my house not as a mature person to work things out, but to take her anger and throw it on me. I have been in therapy 2x a week, spiritually bettering my life in every way in hopes she would too. Today was a Big day for me. In business, I had a major deal go through. All day yesterday and today I sat in my success and thought of her. Where she was, would she call, how she would be enjoying this moment and I am alone. I am upset that she is not here. I am angry at her for not caring, sharing, allowing herself to be a mature adult and I see she is a lost soul, a child of abuse who runs to avoid problems and latches onto something to avoid abandonement. She is blinded by tunnel vision where she will not she I am a good person and bettered myself for myself and for us. I am putting aside my compassion and only feel anger for her. She didn't want to make it work. I wanted to give her a great life. Don't women want a good man, aren't we hard to come by? A healthy relationship takes work which she doesn't know how to do. I remember when I needed some time to think, she made guide lines, it was then I knew I loved her, got some good sleep and saw her the next day. She threw me the Best Birthday. How could she just turn to this lost soul? I see the kindess and the pain in her life. Today and every future victory was for us, please see that. Love, Brandon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Damaged, lost, souls are NOT capable of what you are asking. They cannot cognitively process things the way you do. Have a little sympathy, not derision, for her. She is not with you because she KNOWS she cannot give you what you either want or need. She is looking out for you and her both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnoliatree Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Why did you break up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostwithouther Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 Thank you, I have to remember to be merciful. I just love and care for her so, that it hurts she is not by my side and I am not by hers. We broke up because I neglected her. I have been fixing myself. I miss her dearly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostwithouther Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 jigisup, that was absolutely kind and caring what you said. It is true, I appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
okiedokiestomp Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 If your ex comes from an abusive background she may not be capable of giving what you are asking of her. People who come from traumatic, abusive, dysfunctional backgrounds often have trouble with intimacy having learned growing up in dysfunction that feelings and emotions can be dangerous so they learn not to trust them and often feel unworthy of love and suffer low self-esteem. Abuse is horrible, it leaves scars that last a lifetime unless confronted. Unless she has a willingness to work on those things from her past FOR HER SELF that are still shaping her present there is little you can do. She may not even be aware how past events and losses effect her presently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northerner2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I recognized those symptoms while I was still with my gf. Her upbringing to right up to this day, she doesn't see herself who needs help. I felt sorry for her cuz she went through so much!!! She lacks the most basic social skills and avoid herself by being left alone. Only when she'd go out to drink or to feed her habit, she feels welcomed by her 'friends.' She'd been taken advantaged of, raped, and other bad stuff!!! Yet, she saw that I was different and she was abusing me, too!!! She knew that it was wrong what she was doing to me, but could not stop herself. I did the best as I could by being there for her (although not when she was drinking or feeding her habit). She wanted to change and we had our moments together. But the only life she knew, lying, cheating, drinking, smoking, hurting me in every way possible, that's all she knows. Also, not showing any affection to me, no sympathy/empithy, no consideration, and and no respect to anyone, too. And the only way that I moved on without her is by forgiving her!!! There are times when I want to call her, but what stops me is my well-being cuz I lost everything when I was with her... MAAKUSIMI. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Irulan Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 ...I have to remember to be merciful.... This statement is intimidating! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostwithouther Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 She used to physically abuse me. I got her into therapy. I went to a session, I mentioned her violent behavior, the therapist was shocked and never knew about this. My ex said, I do it because you frustrate me, then I said, what are you going to do to our kids when they frustrate you? I never experienced that growing up, I only knew love and compassion. She used to harbor onto anger, going to sleep without saying goodnight, then putting the blame on me for everything. She never apologized, it was everyone elses fault. Being in therapy I am able to admit my faults, what I need to work on, but for the drinking, last week, she said she enjoyed drinking, smoking going to the beach, going on boats, how could one be so cruel? She lives an angry life and I tried to show her positive moments. She only admitted one time and apologized for one of her actions, she must be perfect to never have faults or do anything wrong. I think if she admitted to a problem when she was younger her mother would abuse her? If she admits it now, maybe the same triggers? All I know is she called my mother looking for someone positive. She latched on to the beer friends now and the friend who has a t shirt company to avoid abandonement. She is going through life without a good influence, this is afraid all she knows. It is sad but her abusive ways she blamed me for her actions. I cannot believe I was in love with such a person. Last week she called my mom, I saw her, her hurt, her anger, her pain, then we would laugh, then she went back to being abusive verbally. What is this girls deal? When we spoke she fabricated fear to keep us away. Are these symptoms? When the fun is over what happens? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wicked6018 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 you say you broke up because you neglected her, but i kind of doubt that the way you talk about her. sounds like she's the one who neglected you and turned it around to make it seem like your fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Never date a lost soul. Ever. These are typically the people who exhibit the kind of self-destructive tendencies and behavior that it's usually so abundantly clear early on. Can I share a story? I'll make it very brief. I dated this woman once when I was about 18 or 19. We met offline. At the time we met she was away at school and our first meeting ever I went to her school to meet up one night. Our movie ended up being sold out, so we sat in front of her campus in my car for hours just talking it up. She had given me every single sign in the book of guiness she was a complete destructive mess. Being as naive as I was back then I ignored every sign and thought that because I was a nice guy things would suddenly become better at some point, but you know what? They didn't. A few months had passed, she flunked out of school and ended up moving back home. We dated and became official and it was worst mistake of my dating life. She was a lost-soul, some of the similiar behaviors of your girlfriend. At times I tried to break things off but she would threaten suicide. We got into arguments sometimes and she would cut her wrists if she became upset. Or if her father yelled at her, she'd cut herself. Very bad. Extremely gushy, out-pouring emotions and toxic behavior. She cheated on me, lied about that and said somebody had tried to rape her. Ran away from home, scaring her family half to death. She was just a complete hot mess, man. That was my first, first true love I think. I lost part of myself in that relationship and I never got it back. I don't want it back quite frankly. Ok, sometimes, people do change. But typically an anaconda doesn't change it's venom. And as much as my ex wanted to change and be different, I realized something after it was all over. If she wanted to change, it was something she would have to learn to do on her own. She would have to find the inner strength to seek whatever help and to stay on track with it. Being in a relationship with me is not going to fix you. You have to fix you. And I didn't realize any of this until the last minute. We broke things off and went our separate ways, she eventually contacted me through facebook finder about 7 or 8 years later and I kept light contact with her on there. I forgive people, I don't hold grudges. However, I didn't ever see her again and I darn sure wasn't going to give her my phone number. As far as I'm concerned, forgiveness is divine. It's over, but I'll be darn if I repeat the same mistake hoping to find change on the ground.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
okiedokiestomp Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 unless an abuser seeks help they will continue the pattern of abuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostwithouther Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 This is what I need to learn. How can I love someone that abused me and yes then she would blame me for frustrating her, rather than say sorry and get help. This is how she was raised. My therapist told me my symptoms but how could you love someone or want to be with someone that was actually hurtful physically and now verbally? How did I get myself involved in this? Then she runs to avoid issues and escapes rather than dealing and maturing. It gets me upset to see I had a woman that cared about me so, then she turned into a monster, I handled last Thursday so well taking her shots, but it should have been mature conversation and and love, rather than her attack me because of her anger. I never saw that side of her. She took shots at me from all angles, like jumping into the ocean with sharks I got eaten alive. I am upset that I didn't speak my mind, I just sat there, handcuffed taking her verbal punches. I was on the total defense, why did she want to come over and hurt me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waterlilly Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I understand. My ex is a lost soul too. I got sucked into his chaos and madness. I don't blame him for that though. I should have walked away and didn't.... why? because of love yes. but also codependency and addiction(to his affections). I tried reasoning, explaining, fighting back(terrible idea), cowering, standing up for myself. you name it. They will and do blame you. no matter what. some people do cause a reaction in us that brings out the worst. That happened to my ex and me. We didn't mean to push those buttons, but we did. After we broke up I let myself feel every feeling, spoke to professionals, read tons. some days I was so angry. Other days I had so much compassion. Even now I still miss things about him and our relationship. I think what went wrong? could it have been different? was I handle things as badly as he said(in some ways yes I did). but I KNOW, that he showed major red flags that alarmed me, but I stayed anyways... I refuse to ever be in anything like that again. And to prevent that I do feel it is important to find out why we went there ever. I really looked at my issues to see why. I agree, don't ever date a lost soul. good luck. continue to work on yourself, forgive yourself and her too. You don't have to live with her, but she does. Her pain will follow her till she gets help. Hopefully she will, but you can't control that and have to let that go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 because people are more than the comination of a few behaviours. they're complex beings. they're multi-faceted...multi-dimensional. if all it took was one thing to make us 'bad' from the perception of others...we'd all be 'bad'. you love this woman because you can see the sum of ALL of her parts. and while loving her through all of this is no doubt difficult...it is NOT the problem. love is never the problem. she didn't turn into a monster. whatever she showed you...that's a part of who she is...who she's been for a very long time in all likelihood. maybe it's the nature of us humans. we put our best foot forward in the beginning. we know that deep down we're a little bit neurotic...but we're also convinced that no one would give us the time of day if we let that side of us be seen. and that's true to an extent. this is a part of loving someone though. love is one of those things that doesn't really have boundaries. it takes the good with the bad. it sees the WHOLE person. if the 'love' you feel changes rather dramatically to something else in the face of adversity...it's safe to assume that what you were perceiving as 'love' wasn't really love to begin with. lost, i don't think you fall into this category. i think on a fundamental level...you're probably very open to love...and understand that loving someone isn't always 'easy'. in my books...that's great. it does open the door for hurt though. and that's a good thing too. if you're not open to the prospect of pain...of being hurt and vulnerable...then there's a part of you that has shut itself off from really knowing what it is to love. it's difficult to have one with the other. we're reactive creatures. there's actually an entire section of the brain that is responsible for this. it's like we get kicked into survival mode. for her...she's feeling threatened...and she's responding in a very reactive, automatic way. it could be that she's just never learned a more proactive way to deal with these things. she doesn't have the skills. that sucks for both of you...because it makes communicating next to impossible. she probably didn't want to hurt you though. it was her way of neutralising a threat (from her perspective). a way to promote her own survival. she was responding the only way she knew how. and that doesn't make her contemptible...but rather...someone in need of a compassionate soul. and maybe that compassionate soul isn't you. not right now anyway. just remember...loving someone isn't a bad thing. sometimes our attachment to that love isn't entirely healthy though. investigate your attachment. why are you so drawn to something that is so clearly HURTING you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostwithouther Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 Beautifully written. My therapist said because of my father, the way he verbally abused me growing up, it was all I knew. So you learn to find that behavior acceptable. I am learning it is not. I have to remain compassionate but it hurts to see a person you love, running to avoid problems and she thinks it the appropriate action, rather than get help. Thank you for that letter, reading your patience is helping me calm. I thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
okiedokiestomp Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Like 90_Hour_Sleep says it is about having the tools necessary to communicate in a healthy way in intimate relationships. People who have a dysfunctional past did not have the propper type of relationship tools (both with others and with themselves) modeled for them often had poor boundaries demonstrated and applied and found ways to cope and survive the dysfunction around them...unfortunately those very survival mechanisms that helped them survive also now act in ways that damage their current relationships---the tools they utilize are stunted and are reactionary from a self preservation mode and often this works against healthy communication. 90's his question about investigating the reasons for your attachment and attraction to someone who is clearly not healthy for you is one that all of us should apply to ourselves and our situations. 90_Hour, this is an excellent post. thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Beautifully written. My therapist said because of my father, the way he verbally abused me growing up, it was all I knew. So you learn to find that behavior acceptable. I am learning it is not. I have to remain compassionate but it hurts to see a person you love, running to avoid problems and she thinks it the appropriate action, rather than get help. Thank you for that letter, reading your patience is helping me calm. I thank you. it's why we're here... it does hurt. it really does. and as waterlily said: good luck. continue to work on yourself, forgive yourself and her too. You don't have to live with her, but she does. Her pain will follow her till she gets help. Hopefully she will, but you can't control that and have to let that go. i understand where you're coming from, lost. there's an almost compulsive desire to 'fix'...to have an agenda for another person. but ask yourself...do you really know what's best for her? you know what's best for her from your perspective...but for her it may be something very different. any meaningful change that she chooses to pursue will be of her own design. it will come from within her. i like what you've said here: So you learn to find that behavior acceptable. I am learning it is not. acknowledging another person's behaviour -- accepting it as it is -- does not mean that you will stand down and just take it. there's passive acceptance...and then there's active acceptance. you can accept a person for who she is. you can love her. you can know compassion for her. but this doesn't mean you're a good match. sometimes loving someone and being with someone can be two different things. i hold firm that it's not necessary to forsake your love for another person to move on. sometimes it's necessary to put that love under the microscope though...and see just where it might be leading you astray. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostwithouther Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 With my friends being here I know she wanted to be there. She text me last night, but I did not respond nor will I. I don't want to be hurt. I want to be in a mature relationship with a kind person, not someone who wants to play games or hurt my emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summerishere Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Everyone's a little bit damaged in some way... Women act irrational just because they are in love. You need to let her cool down before you two make any official decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostwithouther Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 You are all nice calm people. I need to learn the art of calmness B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostwithouther Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 The moment I felt my phone buzz I saw it was her number. I read her text yesterday. That was it. No response, why is she continuing to text me if she doesn't want me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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