Mixed signals, crumbs, and acceptance

[just not sure]

You can go through my post history to see the entire story. 5 years, broken up 3 times in the last year. Both of us are 26.

 

We've been broken up for about 3 weeks now. Again, left for another guy. I feel like I've handled it pretty well. I did lash out at her because about 3 days after the BU I was picking up some things from the house and she had a large hickey on her neck. We've talked since then and I think she understands.

 

I realize now that none of this was my fault. I made mistakes of course, everyone does, but when you tell someone not even 3 weeks before the BU that if they have any doubts that they want to be in a relationship that they should just say so as to not hurt you again and they respond "why would you say that to me? I want us to be together" it's not the dumpee that has the issues. She broke up with me the day after we got back from Florida to celebrate her mother's birthday. That was on a Monday. By Thursday she already had a huge hickey and slept with him by the next Saturday.

 

And she does have issues. Classic GIGS. Wants to "date around', "explore" "not looking for anything serious". Large lifestyle change. Parties a lot. The guys she dates are the complete opposite of everything she's ever claimed to want in a guy. Shes even looked around craigslist looking for a girl/girl experience. Her mom asked her how long this current guy was going to last and she said "until i get tired of him" which i believe shows alot about her character. Even if he's a little trashy, he's still a person. However she's emotionally compromised. There has never been a man in her life. No father, no uncles, no cousins. Her first boyfriend who took her virginity came out of the closet on her. She's been the woman of the house taking care of her sick mother since she was 8. she wasnt popular in high school and got little male attention from guys because she was overweight. I think all of this is a quest for male attention.

 

Meanwhile, since we've broken up this time she's acted fairly strangely. I had bought an engagement ring for her a couple months before the first breakup and since things have been on and off I've just held on to it. After the BU I left it on her dresser with a note saying "I hoped so much that I'd get to put this on your finger. Part of me still does. Do what you wish with it." she still has it. She told her mother "it wasn't given to me to sell". But what else would she do with it? Keep it and give to whoever she ends up engaged to to give to her? She even tried it on and said it was because she "wanted to see if her fingers were any smaller." which sounds like BS to me. She's even keeping the last valentines day card I gave her.

 

She called to ask if I knew why her moms mailbox was leaning. She called to tell me about the car insurance rate going up even though she told me that a month ago. Her car engine died and she was in a big hurry to get a car loan out of both of our names into mine only but the other bills we have together weren't mentioned (I'm working on getting those separated). I've told her what I needed to say and ended it with "goodbye Mary" and got no response, then a text the next day about something meaningless. She texted me a few days after that because "her phone wasn't acting right and she wanted to know if I wanted her to come to my store or if it would upset me she'd go to a different one." I didn't answer because that answer should've been obvious, yet she just showed up at my store anyway. She's been facebooking a friend of mine that she's met ONE TIME about hanging out. Is she going to talk to my friend/co-worker about her new boyfriend?!

 

The last time we talked I told her to say she didn't want me and wouldn't ever again (hearing it would've been helpful, although she's said that before and we've gotten back together) and she said couldn't do that. She said she wants us to work out so badly and wants everything to go according to our plan but she just doesn't know what she wants right now. Again, sounds like BS. She obviously doesn't want me so she must have some idea.

 

I think she honestly thinks she can just do whatever she wants and when she's ready she'll come back because I've enabled her to do it before. I've accepted the fact that we're finished, most likely forever. I've been planning on joining the navy for awhile and I've lost 60 lbs in order to make weight. I have around 40 lbs more to lose before I can enlist. It only took like 3 months to lose the 60 lbs so I should be in BMT early next year. I don't think that's enough time to be able to forget enough to really build a new relationship, plus she just jumps into a new guy so she probably isn't thinking of me at all and certainly isn't working on herself. But it is fairly obvious that she's trying to keep some strings attached to me, right?

 

Again, I think my head knows this will never work and letting go of her is the only legitimate outcome, regrettable and sad though it may be. My heart, however, says otherwise.

 

ETA: I've been in strict NC for nearly the entire breakup except for 1 10-minute talk and I had to text her to get her account number to deposit money.

[guest281]

mate let her go.. shes not worth it. trust me, when people said that to me i thought, hey what would you know. your heart will catch up, my heart has now caught up with my head and i see my ex for the user that she is. walk out with dignity, get training for the navy. achieve your goals, and when you do, find out what she has done in that time... probably nothing! my ex left me for another man as he has kids and i wouldnt give her them yet.. serious!

 

i know there is someone better out there that will treat us they way they are supposed too. if she loved you would she put you through this hurt.. no..

my ex is trying to keep strings attached to me, she says she still loves me. but i reckon she knows shes lost a good thing. im currently texting a new girl at the minute and she makes me feel good so beilieve it can happen again!!

 

 

but please dont let her play games with you, truth is..if she wanted you, she would be with you now

 

a few weeks ago i realised i had to let go of all hope.. now i actually dont care about my ex. shes sleeping with someone else everynight and its hard to take, but thats life, part of growing up... trust me though someone decent is out there and you will ever wonder why you hurt so much now

[just not sure]

I think the thing that bothers me is the complete lack of "mourning" on her part. We were together for 5 years and I doubt she thinks of me at all. I doubt she misses me. Why would she when she has a brand new sucker in my place before my seat even cooled down. It just seems so silly. She told me once "I KNOW you're what's best for me in the long run but right now this is what I want." again, as if she can just show back up whenever she wants...speaking of which she told me once she wanted me to date other girls so I would be a challenge and that she had a dream that I was with another girl at a bar and she just walked up to me and started kissing me and she told the other girl "he's mine * * * * * " man, she really is crazy.

 

I guess I just have trouble wondering if she really cared about me that little or if her emotional issues have really messed her up that badly or will it all hit when her little honeymoon with this guy is over?

[guest281]

trust me it will come.. it killed me for 2 months after we broke up, now its killing my ex. once the grass isnt greener etc, she knows what shes lost, and says it kills her we dont even speak because of what we used to have. but she ruined it.. not me! if she doesnt miss you know, she will. i always thought my ex never missed me as we went nc for nearly a month.. i wanted it, but she was more that happy to have it, probably so she could have her new bf, without me interfering!

 

i have read alot on here that a lot off people cant be content on their own, and wait till someone else comes along to break up with you. to me thats wrong, as i need my own space, my ex is very needy and she waited until someone else came along. shes not worth it mate, she doesnt value you. does she think she can do what she likes and come crawling back? dont let her. she will use you as a doormat. i have went through all this, but now my heart has caught up im so glad if my ex came back i would tell her no.. she made her bed she can lie in it. i wish you a speedy road to where i am now, as i never thought i would be here! shes sounds really crazy u dont need that, she will see u with someone else and try and ruin it..dont let her.

 

i would guarantee she cared, maybe not now.. but she has, and will someday in the future when she starts to regret it. but let her regret it. u sound a good guy, she sounds like a loser. when the honeymoon period is over she may come back, but may not.. i personally wouldnt take her back, i have been in your situation about 2 months ago, look where i am now.. giving advice out. maybe its helped i have been texting a few girls, they have gave me compliments etc, as confidence sure hits rock bottom! all i know...life goes on without them. one day they will regret it. but sounds like our exs will continue doing this to every man they meet!

[mactownman]

Sorry about all this, I know it's tough. You are better than this man. No one deserves to be treated as she has treated you and she must learn the hard lesson that she cannot simply do whatever she wants. She has thoroughly disrespected you and the relationship you had together. Remove her from your life completely and move on.

 

"I've accepted the fact that we're finished, most likely forever..." Dude, there is no "most likely" about this situation. You should be finished forever.

[MissKate]

OOOOOOO.

 

Do not let her have her cake and eat it too. People who think they can do and say as they wish then come running back when ish gets messy are the worst. They tear you apart over and over. If you let her...she'll do the same

[tresqua]

And she does have issues. Classic GIGS. Wants to "date around', "explore" "not looking for anything serious". Large lifestyle change. Parties a lot. The guys she dates are the complete opposite of everything she's ever claimed to want in a guy. Shes even looked around craigslist looking for a girl/girl experience. Her mom asked her how long this current guy was going to last and she said "until i get tired of him" which i believe shows alot about her character.

 

Does it? I've been in 5 relationships in the past 5 years. The girl I'm with right now is great, but if things get, I dunno..."boring" or I'm just not feeling it then I wouldn't hesitate to get back out there again. Lots of great women out there, and for the girls, lots of great guys. You cannot accurately disparage her character and say it's "Gigs" just because she wants to go out and casually date and play the field and get an idea what's out there. What you CAN do is stop taking her calls and messages and stop watching her every move and analyzing why she's doing it, and use that gained time and energy to get yourself moving on with your life.

 

I had bought an engagement ring for her a couple months before the first breakup and since things have been on and off I've just held on to it. After the BU I left it on her dresser with a note saying "I hoped so much that I'd get to put this on your finger. Part of me still does. Do what you wish with it." she still has it. She told her mother "it wasn't given to me to sell". But what else would she do with it?

 

It's worth a good piece of change? Eventually she'll sell it and pocket the cash. Exactly what were you trying to accomplish by giving her an engagement ring AFTER she broke up with you? My guess is you were trying to manipulate her into taking you back. That was a costly mistake.

 

The last time we talked I told her to say she didn't want me and wouldn't ever again

 

What do you expect to accomplish by telling her to tell you something? Even if she said it, it would be meaningless because she would have been simply regurgitating your words back to you. Plus it's rather controlling to say the least.

 

I think she honestly thinks she can just do whatever she wants and when she's ready she'll come back because I've enabled her to do it before.

 

Well, it makes sense. Why would she think otherwise?

 

I've accepted the fact that we're finished, most likely forever.

 

It doesn't sound like it to me. You are still hoping she's going to come back, it's written all over your posts.

[just not sure]

1. If dumping your long term SO for the third time, who you just got finished tell that you love and want to marry, just so you can bang some guy, who you'll drop when you "get tired of him," less than a week later isn't a decent reason to judge someone, give me a better one. Love isn't a game and hearts aren't toys. I bet he doesn't know that she was most likely seeing him and coming home to bed with me. Do you think that's fair to him? I don't know the guy, but I'm a dude so of course i want to rip his face off. Maybe hes a really good guy though. Do you think he knows that he'll just get dropped whenever she gets bored? I can just about guarantee he does not.

 

2. You're probably right. It'll most likely end up getting pawned. Although last weekend she just bought a new car so what better time to put an extra grand or so in your pocket right? But there it sits in her underwear drawer. As far as what I was trying to accomplish? Nothing really. She's known I had it and why i hadn't actually proposed, I don't want to hold on to the memory of it, I'm surely not going to give it to another girl. It was meant for her so let her do what she wants with it.

 

3. I guess I wanted finality? Closure? I guess I wasn't really thinking at the time, which isn't the best way to go about things. Perhaps I was trying to intentionally extinguish any embers of false hope. The last time this happened she told me she didn't love me, didn't want to see me again, etc. and after we got back together she said that none of that was true, she just didn't know of any other way to let me to let her do what she wanted, which was date some guy who ended up screwing her on a couch at her friends house, standing her up the next day on a date, and never talking to her again. That's why I overanalyze I think, because even the stuff she says isn't necessarily how she feels. She even told her mom "if eddy would just let me get this out of my system we'd be fine." as if I'm supposed to let her go and play the field of ***** and be cool with it when she's done.

 

5. Isn't that what I just said?

 

6. You're right. A large part of me would love to get that call from her, but I don't expect to. And even if I did, how could I ever trust her. If I get deployed somewhere dangerous and she couldn't go would I be able to trust that she's not screwing around or that she could handle being alone for that long? Not to mention the fact that she's broken up with me 3 times for other guys and almost immediately slept with all of them? Common sense knows it would never work and she's not good enough for me. I've never even gotten an apology from her. She's my best friend and I miss her more than anything in the world. I don't believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason and all that, and maybe it is fate for us to be together, but I kind of doubt it. If she loved me, she wouldn't leave me.

[tresqua]

In response to your responses.. I'm not going to bother with the quoting this time.

 

Life isn't fair, sometimes people aren't interested in having a committed relationship, they just want to fool around, have meaningless sex, it isn't always about love, who knows if the guy she is banging is "falling in love with her" and he's going to be hurt by her "deceptive actions"?. Could be nothing more than a casual fling for him too, she may have told him she's not looking for anything more, it's not necessarily a "character flaw" and you're putting way too much thought into what she might or might not be telling this guy and whether or not she's manipulating him or if he's going to be "hurt" or if that means she's a "bad person"; of sorts.

 

The engagement ring was meant "for her" in the context of a committed relationship that was headed for marriage. Once she broke up with you the meaning behind the engagement ring was lost. I maintain that you gave her the ring because you were hoping, in your shock and desperation that somehow it might help her change her mind and by taking the martyrish approach of "It was meant for her, it somehow belongs to her, I have no other use for it" is just a "self deceiving cover up". But so what, you gave it to her, the money was spent, and that's the end of it, however I think it's in your own best interests to try to dig a bit deeper into what motivates you, including this particular situation.

 

You wanted finality and closure so you told her to tell you it was over. Like I said, even if she said it, it's because you asked her to say it, the words were meaningless, especially given that she has said the same exact thing to you in the past and subsequently told you she didn't mean it even when she said it of her own free will not due to you coercing her. Like I said I'm just trying to help and even if this relationship is over, there will be others, and I am going to suggest that you never tell another woman to "tell you something" because hearing it will help you get over her or something like that. It's just really lame to tell the dumper "Tell me you really mean it!" and it won't get you anywhere even though it seemed to you like it just might.

 

Yes you said "you honestly think she knows she can come back whenever she wants because it's happened before", but the way you posted it, it's like you "almost believe it" and "how dare she assume that you'll be waiting around for her" as if this time its going to be different when you've provided no reason for her to feel that way. The only way things will change is if you really mean it and only time will prove that much.

 

Common sense and logic tells you that you can never trust her again and due to the other situational factors this will never work but unfortunately emotions don't work that way.

 

Hang in there man

[just not sure]

I am a little confused by your paragraph about her knowing she can come back...

[tresqua]

I am a little confused by your paragraph about her knowing she can come back...

 

You posted earlier that you "I think she honestly thinks she can just do whatever she wants and when she's ready she'll come back because I've enabled her to do it before."

 

The way you wrote that, well, it seems to me that you believe that you DON'T feel that way and she CANNOT do what she wants and come back whenever she wants. It seems to me that you believe that you WON'T just be waiting around for her to come back like you did in the past, and it is my contention that is EXACTLY what you are doing right now just like you have done in the past. You are making yourself waaay too attainable, it's waaay too easy for her, and that makes you, at least to her, boring and unattractive because there's no challenge and the easier something is to obtain, the less perceived value it has. It also makes you out to be an insecure sap who doesn't have his own life and is completely at her mercy. And secondly, because you seem to think it's different this time around, and you "believe" that you wont be just waiting around for her even though you obviously ARE doing just that, I will gently suggest that you are not in touch with yourself and what motivates you, and you really need to work on that.

 

Does that make it any clearer?

[just not sure]

Crystal.

 

I guess I did forget tto post that I told her the last time she texted me that "i already told you I don't want to talk to you while you have a boyfriend unless you're gonna tell me you made a mistake and you want to REALLY work on things. As much as I don't want it, Il have to respect your decision so please respect that"

 

Oh and I had a girl in my bed 2 nights ago. As I said before, a large part of me DOES want her back. I will not and cannot deny that. I'm not sure why though because as beautiful as she is, as much as i love to be around her and everything else that comes with her I don't see how I could trust her. That coupled with the fact that ill be joining the military before the end of the year leaves me no time to believe she'll have any real time to think about the relationship objectively.

[tresqua]

 

You are obviously really suffering.

[just not sure]

So if I meet girls, work on myself physically, don't contact her etc, then I'm suffering and waiting around for her?

[tresqua]

So if I meet girls, work on myself physically, don't contact her etc, then I'm suffering and waiting around for her?

 

My advice would be to work on yourself physically, move on with your life, if you're truly over her and ready to date then get out there and do it.

 

But you can't do both, as in "wait around for her to reconcile and sleep with other women to pass the time".

 

That's just not healthy.

[just not sure]

I didn't sleep with her, she just came over and watched a movie. Had I wanted to I most likely could have, but it wasn't fair to her to use her as a distraction plus I'm not sure I wouldn't feel like slime after. Regardless, the point of this thread was to get some opinions on why it seems as.if she's trying to keep some strings attached, how stupid I would be for possibly wanting reconciliation, etc.

[LTS48]

Working on yourself does not preclude suffering and anguish over the lost relationship. However, I have come to believe that any reconciliation MUST come once all of the emotions are removed from the equation (if it is to come at all.) Otherwise you risk falling into a trap of talking about how much you've "changed," which we all know is false.

 

Live the changes you make to yourself. If she is interested in the new you she will come back. If not, let it hurt as hard and for as long as it takes, then let it go.

[Edmund Exley]

I think you need to let this fish get away. There are a lot of signs here that nothing good will come out of this for you. She's sleeping around, shes looking for bi-sexual experiences and thats only the beginning of the laundry list of problems.

 

You are supposed to let her get acting like a * * * * * out of her system??? Thats the kind of girl you want to marry?? What if its out of her system, you get married and it comes back into her system? There's something to be said for values. Everything you descrive says she has none.

 

I think you know deep down you need to let this one be, but you are afraid to move on, so you are hanging on to the notion that love is the reason. Its not.

[just not sure]

and one week after i told her not to contact me unless it was regarding reconciliation, she's texting me about money i've already given her.

[tresqua]

and one week after i told her not to contact me unless it was regarding reconciliation, she's texting me about money i've already given her.

 

If she's texting you about money you've already given her, that can't be a bad thing. Maybe she wants to give it back?

[just not sure]

should i even respond? i have a rather lengthy text typed up...should i post it to get opinions before i send it?

[just not sure]

So after she sent me the text about bills I've already left money for, I asked her "why are you completely disrespecting me?"

 

To which she replied "stop it"

 

I replied with "Mary you haven't wanted me in nearly a year yet you came back twice knowing you didn't want to be with me and now you say you don't want to hurt me. You told me you loved me and wanted to marry me and 2 weeks later you were more interested in sleeping with someone you KNOW you won't be talking to in a few weeks/months. You still haven't met anyone better than me and you know it. They just AREN'T me. And the worst part is that I should hate you and I dont.

 

I'm not even angry. I should be though. I'm just disappointed. Again. I'm going to be gone forever in like 6 months and you know that and it makes no difference to you and you know that I'm what you want in the long run. You've told me that enough times, including the week after you slept with some douche who used you and never spoke to you again, ye you learned nothing from that. But I doubt you've missed me for 1 second. I doubt you've even thought about me for 1 second. And all I asked from you was enough respect for me to not make me feel like * * * * every time I see your number pop up on my phone and you couldn't do it. I don't understand what you think you're missing out on or why you think jumping from guy to guy and bed to bed is going to be such a great experience. We've done this twice before and only been broken up for a total of 3 months. This time is different because it has to be. Maybe you'll miss me and stop taking me for granted. Maybe you won't. But I'm going to let you find out on your own.

 

You know how I feel. I should hate you more than anyone but I don't. Like you said you do you and I'll do me and we'll see. This is the end of our story, at least for now."

 

No response. I definitely regret parts of it. Oh well. I said what I wanted to.

[tresqua]

I replied with...

 

Wow that messages says a lot about you, not much about her and it's all BAD. It's REALLY presumptive and controlling, over 90% of it is about how you know what she feels, why she feels and how she knows how "great you are" as compared to all the other guys. Throw in the part about how you know you should "hate her" and I gotta tell you man, you've got some work to do right there.

[just not sure]

You might be right, but its not that presumptive when it follows things shes told me directly. She told me her and this guy wouldnt last long. She told me I was the best thing for her and what she wanted in the long run. As far as the stuff about me being better than the other guys she's dated while we were broken up...one of them was a 35 year old year old guy who hangs out with a bunch of girls 10 years younger than him and lives with his brother and sister. The second nailed her on a couch owned by someone he'd never met then never talked to her again, and the third is a 26 year old drug dealing convicted felon who lives with his parents. Ill take my chances as far as being a better guy than them.

 

As far as the stuff about hating her...she told me she loved me, wanted to marry me and wouldn't hurt me. She left me 2 weeks later and was sleeping with someone else a week after that. If I really did hate her.I think I'd be justified.

[just not sure]

got a call from her this morning. her dog that she got when we first got together is probably being put to sleep today. i had to call her back because she left a voicemail and told me what was going on. this is so hard. it just feels like my life is crumbling around me.

 

i miss her.