Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hi, I already know what everyone will say to this but I just need to hear it. My boyfriend has had to keep me a secret from his parents because he finally told me his parents don't believe races should mix. He's white and I'm only a quarter native american but I guess that's enough to prevent him from being with me. He said if his parents ever found out about me they would disown him. He says he can't lose his family. I asked him if he believes in the same thing and he said it's what's expected of him. I know I should leave him but I'm still in love with him. I've been trying to give him stories about people that have moved beyond their racist parents but he won't do it. There's no way he'll ever change. He still wants to be with me and I want to be with him but it's so wrong now. Just because I'm only a little bit native american. It makes me so sad. Can anyone say something to me, anything that might put new perspective on this? This is killing me. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkly Eyes Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 How old is he? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I am not sure what your question is or what you need in terms of a reply. Does he want to present you to his parents as being totaly caucacian? I am not sure what the issue is.....chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hi sorry, he's turning 21 next month and his parents can't know were dating at all. He knows we can't be together because of his parents beliefs. I don't know what I want to hear. I'm just really sad right now because we love each other but he can't be with me because of my race. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
listed Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I wouldn't sweat it. This might conflict with your morals but do you really have to give up a good thing for someone else's silliness? I pretended to be christian to my former SO's parents (although this was easy because I did it for my parents too). I can see from a woman's perspective perhaps it's more attractive to have a guy that sticks up for you and that the man is conversely supposed to be more protective (and thus might hide things from the parents to protect the girl) but realistically speaking a guy can have a crazy family just as as easily as a girl. I do agree that this would be more or less acceptable depending on how old he is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well...really...if you are a quarter native american and the rest of your heritege is caucasian, unless they are told, they wouldn't be able to tell by looking at you that you were! People mistake me for nationalities that I am not at all, so I am sure they wouldn't guess about you. You are just simply a melting pot like most other Americans, and I think that if one quarter native american bothers him, then he is just paranoid or he is trying to find a reason to break up with you. I could see wanting to let you know how they were to protect you, but it just seems that he is overreacting if he is telling you about how it just won't work, rather than just saying "they are a bit silly, so I am letting you know". I think what is telling is that he says "its what is expected him" rather than seperating that he thinks differently than his parents. "they think one way, but I don't agree" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Are you saying I should look past this then? I can't pretend to be purely white. Should we keep dating in secret knowing that it's going to end because he can't be with me seriously? We want to be together so badly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
listed Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hi sorry, he's turning 21 next month and his parents can't know were dating at all. He knows we can't be together because of his parents beliefs. I don't know what I want to hear. I'm just really sad right now because we love each other but he can't be with me because of my race. I think he should be willing at least to go behind their back and date you and should be willing for him to hide it from them. As he gets older this would become less acceptable but 21 is a funny age now a days. Many people that age are dependent on there parents and it's made worse by the recession. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 What does your boyfriend feel about you being part Native American? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkly Eyes Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hi sorry, he's turning 21 next month and his parents can't know were dating at all. He knows we can't be together because of his parents beliefs. I don't know what I want to hear. I'm just really sad right now because we love each other but he can't be with me because of my race. Look, racism is no joke and it's extremely disgusting the way his parents think..And the fact that he is not even objecting to his parent's behavior make things even worse. IMO, the answer to your question is very clear and straightforward, END IT. It's not only his parents that are the problem here, he himself doesn't seem to understand how bad this situation nor is he willing to stand in front of his parents for you...he is 21, he is old enough to not have to follow/listen to his parents and be able to have his own mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mouseno4 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I have been mistaken for canadian somehow. (dont ask me how) To be quite honest, if they dont notice - they dont need to know. And if they ask, just stretch the truth. Dont lie - just tell it in a way that satisfies them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guynextdoor Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Here is my take.. are you looking long term with this guy? If so then you need to have a talk with him. Its obviously not going to work if he hides you from his parents. This also about you and not about what his parents believe. He is a grown man he can make his own decision minus his parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I know but it's so hard. We love each other and we've tried to end it before but we can't. We have this stupid bond that is so hard to break. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I don't agree that you should pretend to be anything other than you are. The fact that his parents are racist and he won't stand up to them for you is enough for you to leave him - you should never have to hide your race. Be proud of your heritage and let him bear the consequences of his cowardice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 He likes being with me so he doesn't mind but in the end our races can't mix. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cagedfeelings Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well my dear, this something is that your boyfriend will actually have to WANT to put up with. And just because his parents are racist doesn't mean he has to follow their example if he truly wants to be with you. Race, religion, etc, should not get in the way of love and since you are both adults now, I say this out of sympathy, he should man up and not let his parents decide who he truly wants to be with. I hope it works out. When I was much younger, I used to have the same issues with my parents, except it was the reverse, where the boyfriend at the time is Caucasian and I didn't want to put up with their nagging and kept it a secret for many years until I got older and just got tired of dealing with. I wonder if he's afraid to stick up for you and the relationship because he's at this stage right now where he has to rely on his parents heavily for support and when I was dealing with those issues, I know my parents would never disown me, but they would never hear the end of it from the rest of the Asian community and I had to heavily rely on them for financial support until I felt strong enough to stand on my own two feet and know what I really wanted and I didn't let them dictate who I wanted to be with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well I thought they wouldn't be able to tell and he said they're really good at picking those things out. They've already told him he can't date me from the first time we hung out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stampedingwolf Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Here's what I believe...DO HIS PARENTS EVEN CARE ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS? EXACTLY. If his parents supported him, they would want him to be happy. It's just my honest opinion. If they disapproved, then that's just being selfish, bad parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I know but it's so hard. We love each other and we've tried to end it before but we can't. We have this stupid bond that is so hard to break. Then say "don't tell your parents what my ethnic background is". If they ask you, you will tell the truth, but he shouldn't mention it. I don't go to my parents and say "I am going on a date with Stevie Bob, he is French and Yugoslavian on his mom's side, his paternal grandfather's family has been in the US for 250 years and he doesn't know what all is there - maybe part French furtrapper, originally-from-African freedman and a lot of British, , and his paternal grandma is from Sweden, but her ancestors could come from somewhere else, too." As time goes on and you get to know them more, maybe you mention your grandparent is native american. But if they have a problem with it, its their problem, not yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 He lives with them and does rely on them so he can't afford to be disowned. His family is also very important to him so he wouldn't want to lose them at all whether he could stand on his own two feet or not. Next month will have been 6 months for us so I don't think he would give up his family for a college girlfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I have been mistaken for canadian somehow. (dont ask me how) To be quite honest, if they dont notice - they dont need to know. And if they ask, just stretch the truth. Dont lie - just tell it in a way that satisfies them. They can tell I'm a mixed race. They're good at seeing that kind of thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Here's what I believe...DO HIS PARENTS EVEN CARE ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS? EXACTLY. If his parents supported him, they would want him to be happy. It's just my honest opinion. If they disapproved, then that's just being selfish, bad parents. I know, I've tried to tell him that but he can't leave them or go against them or anything. I so desperately want him to see it but he can't and won't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well I thought they wouldn't be able to tell and he said they're really good at picking those things out. They've already told him he can't date me from the first time we hung out. Oh, so they have met you. Well, then he is going to have to show whether he is going to cave to them or go with his heart. Unless they are KKK, I guarantee that if he is with you for awhile and you get serious, they will get to know you and like you or even begrudgingly accept you. Or be stubborn and spend time with just him for awhile. My parents told me I couldn't date someone outside my race, but I did it anyways. Not out of spite. There happened to be a boy I went to school with who was asian and that comment came whenmy sister was thinking about dating him. She dated him anyway and they were okay with it because he was a nice kid and they ended up knowing his parents already. The heart of the matter I found out was that they were afraid of me and my sister dating someone who was from another country - the fear of us being whisked away and it didn't really have to do with skin tone. Also, it was just what they grew up hearing. But they eased up right away and accepted it. They didn't end up dating forever - they went their separate ways being young, etc, but that is just the story about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petite Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 If he can't stand up to them, then your decision should be obvious. Don't bother being with someone that is afraid of their parents especially when it comes to love. Tell him he either stops hiding you or the relationship is over because he is no better than they are if he wants to hide you from them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I was hoping that if we dated for a while that they would grow to accept me but he said that they're growing suspicious. And it really is a color thing. He said he can tell my father is native american because of his skin color. and my boyfriend claims he is part white native american and if he had any color in his genes he'd be with me in a heart beat. I want to keep dating him to see if he ever changes his mind but at the same time he seems to know for sure it won't last. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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