How am I always wrong?

[r0ckox]

I've noticed over the last few years that every time I get angry or upset at someone, they always tell me I'm wrong, or always act like I'm being irrational. I don't have anger issues, nor am I overly tempered - but every time I express feelings of being angry at someone for something THEY did, I'm always wrong?? (according to them)

 

Take for instance - A guy friend of mine named Alex. This guy has this habit of throwing some really bad parties. Plus, his place is too small to have a house party. It's one bed room, one larger living-room area, and a smaller kitchen. (Not to mention the fact that he gets real drunk every time, and always causes drama) I just don't have the heart to tell him that they suck, so every time he invites me to one, I always turn him down. After a while, he wasn't getting the hint and continued to invite me, so I told him that I just didn't like going to parties and to please stop with the invites. He said he would.

A week later? Another invite. Another turn-down. Another "I don't like parties, stop inviting me." Another "okay."

A week later? Yet another one. This time it was over facebook - so I replied to the message asking him to take me off the list and that I wasn't coming.

All of a sudden I get messages back asking what my "F-ing problem" was, so I explained that I told him multiple times to quit inviting me, and he keeps doing it - and now it's p*ssing me off.

We got into an argument, his friends started getting involved, and eventually - I was told that I'm some kind of A-hole and I'm nuts and whatnot. Are you serious?!

 

Take for instance - The last girl I got involved with.

This was a girl I've known for many years. We dated briefly back in 04 and in the years following our break up, she always made it clear she wanted to get back together. As soon as I tried to make that happen, back in 2009, she did this 180-degree turn and ended up forcing me to end the friendship.

She came back and we tried to reconcile again, but everything she says is a contradiction. She'd tell me things like "Nobody else can have you" but then wouldn't spend any time with me. She'd say things like "I want you ready for a relationship" but would never actually act the part of a girl who want's to be with me.

During our last few conversations, I had told her that there were things I still wasn't over, and that I felt like we needed to cut our losses and end the friendship once and for all. She ignored me, so I called her the next day to find out why. She went on this rant about how I'm a psycho, I'm crazy, I'm insane, and that if I wanted to stop talking to her, I should "just do it" and stop acting like a girl about it -- so that's what I did. I didn't speak to her for 2 months. I then get a text message from her telling me that she hopes "I'm proud of being a piece of sh-- to her"

What?!

 

Take for instance - Last night.

I met this girl online about a year ago, and at the time we were close. We'd talk daily and spend most weekends talking on the phone. We had planned to meet but it got messed up due to some irresponsibility on her part, so the meet never happened. Eventually, she started getting weird and clingy to the point that I had to end the friendship. I have a habit of saying "I'll talk to you later" when I say goodbye to someone. Sometimes it's "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

If you know me, you know that's just how I end conversations.

She'd always give me crap about me saying I'd talk to her later, then she doesn't hear from me. I've explained this to her before, but she continued to do it, so we didn't speak for a couple months.

 

So we got back in contact a few months ago, but we're nowhere near as close. We may have talked on the phone 2 or 3 times since. I've noticed lately that I only hear from her when she's at a bar drunk, or out somewhere else getting drunk; but always ignores me or barely talks to me when she's sober. The last 4 times I've spoken to her she was drunk.

So I get a text message from her Tuesday Night around 10-something. It was basic small-talk. Whats up? What are you doing? and so on.

She responded that she was at a bar, and got stood up by someone. I replied saying "That sucks." and then I fell asleep.

She tried to call me 3 hours later (1:45am) and left me a drunken voicemail.

Yesterday morning I had texted her apologizing and said that I had fallen asleep.

 

She responded later in the day saying "Yeah. Maybe if you answered me I wouldn't have gotten alcohol poisoning today."

 

WHOA. What?

That's a bold statement to make to someone; especially because I had nothing to do with the fact that she got alcohol poisoning. So I asked her if she was serious, and her reply was something along the lines of "Maybe if you talked to me, I wouldn't have gone out to the bar and drank"

I explained to her that she was ALREADY at the bar when we spoke, so how was that true? She didn't answer, so I went on to tell her that I didn't like that and that claim was bogus. If she didn't even remember that we talked while she was at the bar, she had no claim to say anything like that to me.

 

We argued about it, and she went on to tell me that I was being irrational and blowing up at her for something she "half joked about."

No apology, No "Yeah, you're right that was a stupid thing to say" or anything. She just say there and acted like I was wrong for being upset about that.

We're not close like that, so "half joking" about something like that doesn't fly.

 

How is it possible that I'm always wrong? Or crazy? Or irrational?

I feel like I'm not allowed to get upset at anyone for anything.

 

What the hell is going on?

[tresqua]

You seem to be rather reactive and over sensitive in regard to the words and actions of others, going so far as arguing over not attending a party and ending friendships over relatively minor disputes. You title this thread "why am I always wrong" and yet you are the one who intentionally ends relationships leaving the other people confused and angry.

 

Learn to let stuff roll off your back, understand that people are limited and no one is out to "get you" or intentionally make you miserable. Take the party invitation for example. You told the guy you don't want to go, and you told him why. He can't accept that for whatever reasons. So going forward you ignore the invitation and move on. To get all upset and angry because you continue to receive invitations despite your request not to, is a bit over the top.

 

I will also suggest that when you end a conversation with "I will talk to you later", that infers that you will.um.. talk to them later. It's easy enough to change your phrase to be more accurate such as "Ok, goodbye for now, talk to you again".

[DanDee]

I agree with the above. Also, it seems as though the way you act and word things could be a little bit... course? As though you don't really care about the other persons feelings. Things like "stop inviting me", "talk to you later" - then don't, falling asleep mid-conversation and ending friendships pretty bluntly. People want to know that you care and things like that may seem to them like you don't. Even if you do.

[Cheetarah]

I'm in general agreement here. Tone and approach are huge. I feel sorry a bit for your friend - If I were in his shoes, I'd feel rejected that you didn't want to come to my parties. Although of course, that's your right not to go, and you don't have to. The whole "Stop inviting me" is just not pleasant. So you don't want to go "Yeah dude, I'm not up for this stuff at this point." Broken record. Just keep on with the same thing. Is it annoying he doesn't get it, sure. But definitely not worth getting into arguments over and putting dents in the friendship.

 

As far as the girl - Why would you need to hear from her after you said it's time to cut the losses and end the friendship once and for all? What should she say "Yes, I totally agree..", "No, baby, please don't." Sometimes there's just nothing to say after something like that. Do you feel fantastic and like talking to someone after they tell you they don't want you in their life anymore? I don't. You don't want me, fine. I'm outta here.

 

If more than one person says you might be behaving irrationally or tempermentally, it's worth it to investigate, at least. Sometimes we might feel ok but have NO clue how we're coming accross to a person. Sometimes I record myself and take a listen later on. I can be very snarky and cold, even when I don't necessarily feel particularly bothered.

[r0ckox]

I don't always end the friendships, and when I do, it's not over minor things. Out of the 3 examples, I only ended 1 friendship, and that was with my ex after she spent 2 years putting me through hell confusing me with her lies and games. I didn't put too many details into her scenario so I don't expect you to understand fully what I'm saying - but I had to end that friendship because I had feelings for her, which she didn't return - and I got called a psycho for wanting to heal.

 

As far as the other two, I didn't end any friendships - I did mention that I ended the friendship with the other girl (the one I talk to on the phone every now and then), I was actually reading my post on the first girl at the time so I accidentally typed it in - but the friendship didnt end, we just didn't talk for a little while after that.

I'm still friends with the guy and we hang out on a regular basis, but when I say things like "Stop inviting me" - it comes after I rationally explained that I'm not interested in going to parties, and then they say they'll leave me out of it, but continue to invite me anyway despite the fact I've asked not to be invited. I don't think I should have to say "Sorry bro, I'm just not into that" 400 times... If the scenario was turned around, he'd only have to say that once, and I'd not invite him again out of respect for the fact that he doesn't do parties.

 

Take the party invitation for example. You told the guy you don't want to go, and you told him why. He can't accept that for whatever reasons. So going forward you ignore the invitation and move on. To get all upset and angry because you continue to receive invitations despite your request not to, is a bit over the top.

 

I've ignored about 20 previous invitations before I said anything. They just keep coming and coming and coming, and eventually you have to say something.

 

I will also suggest that when you end a conversation with "I will talk to you later", that infers that you will.um.. talk to them later. It's easy enough to change your phrase to be more accurate such as "Ok, goodbye for now, talk to you again".

 

That's just how I am. I've always said "Talk to you later." as my form of "goodbye" since I was a kid, and the people that know me, know that. Half of them do it, too. But the thing I cant grasp, is that I explain that to someone, and they say "oh I get it, lol i understand" and things like that, yet then they give me crap for it again the next time we talk... I don't understand why I have to keep explaining things to people? I know that sounds trivial, but I'm not one to say "goodbye!" - it's just not how I am, so that's the phrase I use. But the point is they all tell me they understand, but go right back to giving me crap... it's like, where do you draw the line? How many times to you have to keep explaining the same thing?

 

I didn't fall asleep mid-conversation with the other girl, she stopped responding and didn't respond until 3 hours had passed, while I was already asleep...so it's not like she responded right away and I just didn't answer. I wasn't giving off the vibe that I didn't care about her or anything...

 

But either way, to throw in my face that it was MY fault she went out and drank and got alcohol poisoning is completely off the wall!

I have a right to be upset about something like that, and then for her to come back and call me irrational for it... that's just insane. That's making an accusation and placing blame on the completely wrong person.... She was already at the bar drinking when we had our small-talk conversation... and then when I called her out on it, she said she "didn't remember" ... soo, where does it come in that it's my fault for anything?

 

As far as the girl - Why would you need to hear from her after you said it's time to cut the losses and end the friendship once and for all? What should she say "Yes, I totally agree..", "No, baby, please don't." Sometimes there's just nothing to say after something like that. Do you feel fantastic and like talking to someone after they tell you they don't want you in their life anymore? I don't. You don't want me, fine. I'm outta here.

 

Honestly, because had the tables been turned - if someone came to me and said "Listen, I have feelings for you, and there's things from the past I'm not over, and I feel like we should end our friendship" I'd want to talk to them about it and figure out why they're feeling that way, so when she ignored me, all I wanted to know was why. I didn't really care WHAT she said, just why she didn't say anything - but me wanting to end our friendship because I'm hurting doesn't make me a psycho, or crazy... it means I wanted to heal and be able to get over things that I can't get over if I'm still in her life.

 

Sorry the reply was all jumbled out - I had posted a reply and had to edit it a few times as I saw more than one response, lol.

[Cheetarah]

Honestly, because had the tables been turned - if someone came to me and said "Listen, I have feelings for you, and there's things from the past I'm not over, and I feel like we should end our friendship" I'd want to talk to them about it and figure out why they're feeling that way, so when she ignored me, all I wanted to know was why. I didn't really care WHAT she said, just why she didn't say anything - but me wanting to end our friendship because I'm hurting doesn't make me a psycho, or crazy... it means I wanted to heal and be able to get over things that I can't get over if I'm still in her life.

 

Understandable. But that's you. Some people are quick to finish severing the ties after someone has cut into them. No, it doesn't make you psycho or crazy. It doesn't excuse her from calling you names, either. That's not right. But it's best to assume that when you cut a tie, it's going to be cut. If they want to seek you out and talk about the whys and hows, and that benefits you guys, great. Otherwise, it's confusing. "We need to end this friendship...*silence*...Why are you ignoring me?" You know what I mean?

[tresqua]

I don't think I should have to say "Sorry bro, I'm just not into that" 400 times... If the scenario was turned around, he'd only have to say that once, and I'd not invite him again out of respect for the fact that he doesn't do parties...I've ignored about 20 previous invitations before I said anything. They just keep coming and coming and coming, and eventually you have to say something.

 

I just grabbed one of the many examples where you get defensive and reject what is in fact well intended criticism. I get that you don't think you "have to say something 400x" and that "eventually you have to say something". Look dude... you're asking if what you do is a reasonable response and me and several others are telling you that your responses are over the top. So rather than come back with even more excuses and justifications, I suggest you take a different approach and maybe start to accept that you are OVERREACTING. So what if the guy keeps asking you to a party? Either ignore the repeated requests and go about your day or calmly explain that you don't like going to his parties because the house is too small or whatever, even if you have to say it several times over the course of a few months. Did you ever ask someone a question more than once because you didn't like the answer and you think if you keep asking the answer will change? I know I sure have. It's like the kid asking mom for the cookie. She says "no" and often gives a good reason such as it will ruin his appetite for dinner, but the kid keeps asking. And sometimes mom changes her mind.

 

That's just how I am. I've always said "Talk to you later." as my form of "goodbye" since I was a kid, and the people that know me, know that. Half of them do it, too...How many times to you have to keep explaining the same thing?

 

It's "just how you are". Well, the way you are is not working and people think you're psycho, so it's time to do something different for once. Just because "half of them do it to" doesn't justify you doing it because for whatever reason it's NOT WORKING and you are pissing people off. Two people can say the same exact things but the WAY they say it changes it and that must be what you're doing since you are getting a different reaction. I'm giving you good advice here. Stop saying "I will talk to you later" and start staying "Talk to you again" or "Talk to you soon" or "Have a nice day". Or don't. But don't expect things to change if you don't do things differently.

 

I wasn't giving off the vibe that I didn't care about her or anything...

 

I bet you were in fact giving off the vibe that you didn't care. You can't possibly know what sort of vibe you're giving off, in fact your entire thread is based on the negative vibes you're giving off. Try to be a bit more openminded. Instead of being so sure what you're giving off because that's what you THINK, look at the responses you're getting to make that decision.

 

But either way, to throw in my face that it was MY fault she went out and drank and got alcohol poisoning is completely off the wall!

 

No it isn't. Because she isn't REALLY blaming you for drinking and getting alcohol poisioning. She is MAD at you for making her FEEL a certain WAY and that's how she vents it to you. That's how women communicate. I suggest a few good books that talk about what women really mean when they say something. For example, from a book I just read, a woman might say "we never go anywhere", "we don't have nice things", "you are lazy and never help me". Well you and her may both know that is not true but at the moment she says it, that's how she FEELS. Get the difference? Stop being so damn reactive to a few poorly chosen words. Or don't. Your life, your choice but forget about satisfying relationships with anyone if you take their words and even their actions so literally.

 

I have a right to be upset about something like that, and then for her to come back and call me irrational for it...

 

Sure you have a "right" to feel anyway you want. But keep it to yourself if you don't want people looking at you strangely and backing away slowly and protecting their children from a person they think is irrational. They have a right to choose who they hang out with and who they think is insane.

 

You started this thread because you want others to tell you that you are right and everyone else around you is wrong. Ok, here you go. "You are right and they are wrong". Even if that was true, and I meant it, it's not going to do you any good because they don't think you're right and look where they are now. Hanging out with other people

 

Would you rather be right, or be happy? Think this one through.

[r0ckox]

Okay. I guess I can see where you'd think you just grabbed a perfect example of me reacting and being defensive, but I'm not being defensive at all.. I'm explaining what my logic and reasoning is. I'm not overreacting, either. It's so easy for everyone to say "well you can just ignore it, or change the way you talk, or continue to respond nicely" when it isn't happening to them. This party thing was a thing that was going on for monnnttthhsss before I said anything about it - it's not like it was just a few weeks.

 

I also understand that "That's me" and the way I think is different than them - but is a little respect so much to ask for? Why can't I just say to the people I call my friends, "Hey listen I'm not into the party thing, so can you please not invite me?" just once? Why do I have to say it 100 times after that? That's my point, and that's why I get angry.

 

I can't possibly understand how I was giving off a vibe to this girl that I didn't care about her. We were talking, she stopped responding and I fell asleep. She decided to get in touch with me again 3 hours later, at 1:45am and when I didn't pick up - it became a problem and I got belted with being told it was my fault she got alcohol poisoning. I know she's not blaming me, "but it's how I made her feel" - but how is that possible? She stopped talking to me and took 3 hours to respond, and by then I was asleep. She went on to tell me that maybe if I had talked to her she wouldn't have gone out to the bar to drink herself into oblivion -- but she was ALREADY at the bar when we spoke, so the way she FELT comes from left field and understandably, I would react to that in such a way. I honestly don't know a single person who WOULDN'T.

 

 

I didn't start this thread to get everyone to side with me and tell me that everyone is wrong and to make myself feel good. I started this thread to get a better understanding of the fact that every time it seems I get upset at anyone, apparently I'm wrong.

 

I don't really understand why you're attacking me here. I can take criticism just fine, but you're basically telling me that my personality is completely wrong and I have to suck it up and change if I want to satisfy relationships with other people. Yes, I take people's words and actions literally. It's what I do. I go out of my way to make sure the things I say and do with other people are taken literally too.

The way I am is the way I've always been. You can't just change who you are in a blink of an eye. The way I say goodbye, "Talk to you later" is second nature to me, it just comes out - but my entire point of that whole thing was that I explained it to this person already, she told me she understood - but still got the crap for it later. That's what I don't understand. Then, when I explained it to her again - she claimed to understand yet again, and it happened once more. Sure, I can try to say goodbye another way, but why do I have to change the way I am to make up for other people not understanding, or remembering something so trivial?

 

Know what I mean?

[DanDee]

If you genuinely don't think it's anything to do with you (being insensitive, cold or disinterested in these people) then perhaps you're just over-sensitive and need to try and brush off the comments these people are making. Most of us encounter situations where we think "geeeeez, what did I say?!" But just forget about it and wait for things to get back to normal. Everyone get's told they're wrong in agruments but it's up to us to explain our side and help the other person see why we did what we did (or said what we said) -- and it's up to us to know that we weren't wrong. It doesn't seem like there's a great deal of proper communication in your examples.

 

Or maybe, you're being a pushover and people are take advantage of that? They enjoy messing with your head or you're someone they're able to take their frustration out on.

[tresqua]

but is a little respect so much to ask for?

 

There are two schools of thought on this one, it's a great subject for debate. I am in the group that believes that respect is "earned" not a "given". Your mileage may vary.

 

Why can't I just say to the people I call my friends, "Hey listen I'm not into the party thing, so can you please not invite me?" just once? Why do I have to say it 100 times after that?

 

I explained that above. Let's try it again. People can be rather thick, they can be in denial, they may believe that if they keep asking the same question they might get a different answer. I can't come up with a better example than the child asking mommy for a cookie even though she said "No!" a dozen times already and provided a good reason.

 

I can't possibly understand how I was giving off a vibe to this girl that I didn't care about her.

 

I get that you don't understand it. Just realize that you DO give off this vibe and that's why people react the way you do. You give off this vibe for many reasons, the ones that I see are that you are over sensitive, over reactive, you have certain expectations from people and when those expectations are not met you react in a negative manner and they back away from you.

 

understandably, I would react to that in such a way. I honestly don't know a single person who WOULDN'T.

 

You are justifying your own actions by saying you understand why you would act in such a way. How is that helpful? You don't know a single person who wouldn't act the way you did in the same situation? Really? How the heck would you know how another person would react in the same exact situation unless you actually witness this happening? I'm telling you without even knowing the people you do that they would NOT react the same way you do, that's the whole problem here.

 

I started this thread to get a better understanding of the fact that every time it seems I get upset at anyone, apparently I'm wrong.

 

Nope. It's not a matter of right or wrong. It's a matter of you having an effect on people that results in them turning away from you. You are left scratching your head and wondering what you did to have that effect and me and several other well meaning posters have given you some perfectly reasonable suggestions as to why that is the case.

 

I don't really understand why you're attacking me here.

 

I'm not attacking you. You "think" I'm attacking you because...you are over reacting because you are over sensitive and you had certain expectations when you posted this thread, that are not being met.

 

I can take criticism just fine, but you're basically telling me that my personality is completely wrong and I have to suck it up and change if I want to satisfy relationships with other people. Yes, I take people's words and actions literally. It's what I do.?

 

Well, you're close. Your personality is not "wrong", that term doesn't even apply here. Your personality is such that you have a negative effect on the people around you and if you want to change their responses you MUST change the way you act towards them even if you don't "feel" that way or even if you think they are the ones acting in an inappropriate manner.

[John Cage]

Well, I think it's because you guys are on different mind frames.

 

You take facebook invites seriously, he doesn't. He figure, "Why is he so worked up about some party invites?"

 

I don't even REPLY to party invites if I don't want to go. You do realize that a party invite is not a Summons from the Courts, right? You don't owe them a reply nor do they care if you reply (unless they specifically invited you for a reason).

 

With the drunk girl, the problem is that sometimes people joke or they say random things that they don't feel responsible for... That's normal for today's society.

 

My rule of thumb is that I forgive everything unless it causes me REAL harm. Some idiot keep inviting me to parties... I ignore them, big deal. Some girl text me something random... Big deal... I ignore them.

 

Now your second case with the ex, you might not be at fault completely there. She seems kinda psycho too. In today's dating world, people take overly clingy and emo people to be "psycho". Which is something that I "kinda" agree with too

 

I had an online female friend once (don't ask, it's a long story...). I have a flirty personality so maybe she took things the wrong way or something but she got REALLY serious with me and we have never met in person

 

When I stopped talking to her, she said I should at least give her "an official breakup"... I was stunned. I was like, "You are kidding me right? I barely know you. I don't owe you anything." Then it was the first time I experienced female drama... Holy COW ! I didn't know people can be so damn dramatic. I was like "Get over it and go meet someone else already, what's with the clingy psycho behavior?"

 

The point was that if you feel like you can't get together with your EX, then that's how it is. You don't need to get all dramatic and "end the friendship before this and that..." This I associate with female behavior. In my experience, girls LOVE to stir up drama, threaten to end friendships if you won't date them. They also like to "talk about the relationship" for hours on end. It's just so over-dramatic for me.

 

---

 

I guess maybe if you try to be less sensitive to words, less serious about minor things and less dramatic then people won't react that way to you.

[oyvey]

No joke, i just read about my life. I found this thread searching "how is it possible i'm always wrong". Notice that the responses are exactly like everything else you get from everyone else in your life?

 

I say black, everyone else assumes i mean dark gray, gray, or maybe navey blue. When I explain I know the difference and I really do mean black, I'm an a$$hole.

 

I have noticed that MOST of the people I know and meet, like a song and dance. They like fluff. You state a fact straight on and you really couldn't have meant it. or you are a cold s o b. Even if you state it clearly (not being mean, just factually). Or, if you meant what you said, your cold and uncaring. Somehow I haven't figured out that most people apparently don't mean what that say, and they don't believe I do either.

 

I have noticed that others can be mean. I am usually in the wrong because I don't understand them or I am being sesitive. Others will stick up for them. Somehow it's my fault. This never EVER works in the reverse.

 

When you figure it out, please let me know. And vice versa. Good luck. There are others i your shoes.

[r0ckox]

Okay John - I think you may have missed the point here. I'm happy that it's so easy for you to ignore people who invite you to silly facebook parties 1,000 times a week.. but I'm a little bit different. When I ask someone to stop inviting me to their lame one-room parties, I mean it. If they had asked the same thing of me, I'd respect that and keep to myself the next time. Yet I ask a simple favor - "Don't invite me to the parties, I'm not interested in going" (as in, any of them. I made that clear) and they keep on inviting me. It doesn't matter if it's through facebook or phone or text or in person, the fact is.. I asked them to stop, and they don't stop - yet THEN, I'm the piece of trash who blows up afterwards?

 

When I talk about ending friendships, it's because I KNOW that more drama will come because of it. It's because I KNOW it's pretty much useless to maintain any sort of friendship with these people. It's not just "She won't be with me I'll end the friendship" (Not to mention it's hard to be f riends with someone you have feelings for.)

 

Oyvey - I haven't figured it out. I've been trying to keep my thoughts and my "crazy irrational anger issues" to myself lately, and I've kept my cool for the MOST part when people have p*ssed me off... but I know it'll happen again, because I'm just the bad guy who's not allowed to be upset.

 

We'll see how that works out.