Broke up 5 weeks ago, but own a home together, what do I do?

[Jeasy]

Hey,

I was hoping that posting on this forum could give me some insight and tips on what to do in my situation. My girlfriend and I have been dating over 5 years, and we bought a house together 2 years ago. We are both in our mid to late 20's. Life has been great, like most relationships the sex life has slowed down a bit, but other than that, we rarely ever fight and things went great.

 

A little over a month ago my girlfriend wanted to go on a "break". She said that her feelings for me have changed a bit, and she wants to go out and have some space and date other people, so that she can find out if I am "the one". Immediately after the break, she went out constantly with her friends partying, drinking, staying out late, etc.... She has been pretty honest with me, we officially brokeup a few weeks into the "break". I know about 2 weeks into our break, she said she hooked up with a guy. She no longer sees this guy, but she is actively dating people through different avenues to see if I am the one for her. She had wanted me to ask her to marry her for a couple of years now, but not too long before the breakup I was finally working up to a proposal. The timing was so close to my proposal that she probably would have said no anyhow.

 

Anyhow, life has been rough.... I made all of the mistakes in the first 4 weeks of the breakup, pleading, being sad, etc... For the last 1-2 weeks I have been on LC, little contact. We live together, so it is impossible to go NC. Whenever I see her now, I try to stay upbeat, happy, like my life is good. Just yesterday she said she missed me the other day when we were both out with other friends, and before leaving to go out for the night, she even said "Love you" while walking out the door. But I knew that when she was leaving, she was actually going on a first date with a guy who asked her out. From my knowledge, she has hooked up with 2 different guys in the 6 weeks that we have been broken up, and is not dating either of them consistently. She goes out pretty much 5-6 days per week, and usually stays out till 12pm-1am, sometimes later. And I can't sleep knowing she's out flirting with guys. She was always a big time party girl before we ever dated, and has a rough family background, broken family.

 

I do still love her, and want to make things work. But I don't know how to make progress, and really get her to miss me even more. I've been going out with friends as much as possible, but my friends just really don't go out during the week, so its SOOO hard to see her leave every night and I can't sleep not knowing what she's doing out there.

 

Any suggestions, or real-life experiences??? I miss her dearly, and we had a great thing for many years. How can I lure her back??

[Jeasy]

By the way. Neither of us will move out of the house. She refuses as do I. But we still get along well when we see eachother. I don't do anything that would disrespect our relationship. But she has done a few things to make the living situation harder to manage. Usually partying related. She has nowhere to go, and since she broke up with me, and I have been the financial "rock" in the home, I refuse to leave also. But she even said she doesn't want me to go necessarily. But if it gets ugly we will need to figure out what to do with the house.

[Eocsor]

Run far and run fast. She's not the girl for you or anyone at this stage. You need to get out of that house so put it up for sale, and if she won't agree have her buy you out. You are in a very untenable situation. The sooner you separate yourself out of it the better.

[Unwanted]

TBH, you can do all the begging and what not and promise to change etc but if the person doesn't respond, it's just not meant to be.

 

Sometimes, when the other person just wants out, they just want that.

 

Do you really want her back still after roaming about hooking up with different guys?

 

I know secretly deep down, I want my ex to realise I was THE ONE in the first place. But if he comes back after roaming the world and 'trying' out girls, I wouldn't want him back even though I still love him.

 

From all the advice people have been giving in this forum, I think that we need to value ourselves more. It's hard after going through something as traumatic as this. But I think it's a good first step. I'm trying it out too

[Ariel85]

Sounds like since you wouldn't marry her, she probably put her own deadline on you asking, and since you didn't, her feelings diminished for you, and she got to the point of being done. No one dates other people to find out if you're the one after 5 years. She is trying to soften the blow for you, clearly.

 

I don't think you should try and "lure" her back. She wanted to marry you, you didn't, game over.

 

I also think you're being a huge pansy by sitting at home while she flaunts the fact she's dating other guys in front of you. Won't be long before she starts bringing them home and having them spend the night.

 

You need to work out how you're going to get rid of the house, and then leave. Are you both on the deed, or just one of you?

[DN]

This relationship is over. I know it is hard to hear that but right now she is being fairly pleasant so she has a place to stay.

 

What do you mean by being 'the financial rock'? Is the house in both your names?

 

I think it is time to see a lawyer and get some good legal advice as to what your options and obligations are.

[Jeasy]

She tells me that she wants us to work very badly, she just needs to be "sure" I'm the one. She told me to date other people also during this time period. She mentioned that has been on some dates, but none of them have really been boyfriend type material so far, but she gets all drunk and gives in to their advances. She has a drinking problem. This is by no means an excuse, she is probably just dragging me along until she finds someone better. But she is a very-self conflicted person right now, work stress and home stress makes her drink even more. I have been going on and doing my own thing as well, had 1 small hookup a couple of weeks back. The reason for her breakup with me was that I pushed her away, didn't listen or give her enough attention. When in fact she was sorta the same way.

[DN]

See my post above - 'wanting you to work very badly' is nonsense. If she did whse wouldn't be behaving like this.

[Jeasy]

We are both on the deed, and we can't sell for another year. We have a tax credit involved in the home that we would have to pay back, thousands and thousands of dollars. Just can't do it.

[Janeiac]

Jeasy, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. I can see you are having a rough go of it. It's terrible when things drag on and on. The best thing you can do for yourself is not to continue this awful situation.

 

I know you want to reconcile, but that can't happen if you allow things to continue as they are. Paradoxically, moving further away and giving your grlfriend the space she is asking for is the only thing that may possibly bring her back. If it does, you'll want to be in a strong postition to make it work, not get jerked around again and go back to the same old problems.

 

Put the house on the market. Get a room mate to move in with her to cover your half of the mortage and go rent an apartment for yourself to live in. Do it now, today. Let her pay her own utilities and whatever other expenses she may incur. Stop supporting her financially. If she is partying 5-6 nights a week and it's affecting her ability to earn a living, that's her problem NOT YOURS and she needs to deal with it in the space she asked to be given. If she goes down the tubes financially, that's again not your problem, it's her own. Take care of yourself.

 

You want her back? Make her respect you and don't let her use you. Get on with your own life. Make her see what it's like without you, the respect-worthy guy who takes care of his business. Right now she isn't seeing that, you are still there.

 

Tell her you wish things could work out, and that you did hope to get married, but that you are respecting her decision and giving her the space she asked for. Then shut up and leave without argument or discussion.

 

If she never comes back you'll be that much further along the road to healing. If she does, you'll be stronger and better able to create a great relationship with her. Don't wallow in the pit, get on with it and find your own sunshine.

[DN]

We are both on the deed, and we can't sell for another year. We have a tax credit involved in the home that we would have to pay back, thousands and thousands of dollars. Just can't do it.

Then see a lawyer and get some legal advice.

[Jeasy]

Well, problem is that neither of us can afford the house on our own. And there aren't any roomates I can think of that would want to move in. I refuse to give up the house, if anything she needs to go. She is the one that is making this situation more difficult and has made the mistakes. I confronted her about everything the other day, I will see if any changes happen in her.... but I know that I am just being optimistic.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Never buy a house with someone you are not married to. This is a common mistake that people make and then they are left in this kind of situation. Do you have family that can help you out on this. You need to get away from this woman who has extremely low self esteem she wants to be every guy's trampoline. Better that you don't marry her because she would have ended up like this anyway. She just wants to sleep with every guy in town...it has nothing to do with finding out if you are really the one. She is reliving her troubled past. Instead of focusing on wanting her back, focus on finding a way to get rid of the house and get rid of her from your life. She is poison for you right now.

[tattoobunnie]

WOW! What a (and I so rarely say this about people) low-life! So while she's out there banging guys, you're sitting around like a doormat with poop stains on it hoping she'll suddenly realize you're the one and magically everything will be alright? I mean, COME on, she couldn't just move out, so she doesn't have to rub what she's doing in your face? I mean, it's called renting out the room! Subletting! Renters! She sounds disgusting stringing you along like this just to have a roof over her head.

 

If it was me, I'd kick her out so fast! Like a women throwing her husband's clothing out the window for cheating on her.

 

If a person really wants a relationship to work out, they work on the relationship, not go on hook-up spree. There are so many methods a couple can get to really grasp one another, strengthen the bond, build intimacy.

 

Is she expecting some giant sign that says, "YOU'RE the ONE! for me!" Um, no...she just wanted an excuse to get out of the relationship, hence "break" but not calling it a break-up, so she doesn't find her clothes in boxes on the front lawn.

 

You deserve so much better. I'd tell her that you want to rent out her share (KICK HER OUT!) And if she gets it out of her system, and begs for you back, it's one thing. But dude, the longer you let this situation keep on where she's out there dating, banging, and hooking up with random dues, all you are doing is enabling her behavior and letting her treat you like dirt. And who wants to date someone they can treat with no respect? NO ONE!

 

Call all your friends, and let them know what's going on, and call a lawyer...on getting a renter. Or go sublet your share yourself. This is ridiculous! Don't ever accept the most phoniest lines on the planet! "I love you, I wanna make it work, but I don't wanna do any of the work to make it work...cuz...wahhhhh, wahhh."

[CatsMeeoow]

This is ---- "I want to break up with you but I will keep you around just in case nothing better comes my way"

 

All you are to this girl is Plan B.

 

You are in a pickle because you both bought the house together. You both legally have a right to be there so long as your are both meeting the financial obligations to do so. Make your paper trail... if she isn't paying her half of the rent and utilities then you have some options.

 

Continuing to live together may not be all that bad... it may open your eyes to clearly see what you could have been stuck with... However, on the flip side its not good for your emotional state and ability to move on.

 

Good Luck

[Brownstone322]

Well, problem is that neither of us can afford the house on our own. And there aren't any roomates I can think of that would want to move in. I refuse to give up the house, if anything she needs to go. She is the one that is making this situation more difficult and has made the mistakes. I confronted her about everything the other day, I will see if any changes happen in her.... but I know that I am just being optimistic.

You always have options, but living together under those circumstances shouldn't be one of them. One or both of you needs to go. (Forget paying to find what your "legal options" are; you're both bound to the note, and the lender isn't going to let either of you off it. You either get a new loan or you pay the one you have.)

 

You're adults, though, so you need to work this out as adults. You need to either sell the house or refinance it solely in your name or hers. If you refinance, then whoever stays in the house should seek a roommate or vacate the house and rent it out. Or you could both vacate the house, retain joint ownership and rent it out until your tax-credit obligation is met, then refinance it or sell it.

 

But you don't want to stay in the house with her under these conditions. (By the way, she's not screwing other guys to see if "you're the one"; she's screwing other guys because she wants to screw other guys.)

[Janeiac]

Jeasy, you don't have to "think of someone to be a roommate."

Put an ad in the newspaper, on Craigslist, and anywhere else real estate rentals are advertised. Then you sublet to whoever comes up with a security deposit and two months rent first.

Then you take that money and get an apartment.

Then you use the monthly rent from the tenant to cover your half of the mortgage. Let the tenant spilt the bills with your EX. She's your EX, not your girlfriend.

You will still own your half of the house so you aren't giving anything up. Things will get sorted out one way or another. Why put yourself through the agony of living in the house like this?

 

Get ahold of your dignity, man, and don't let go!

[wilyone 11]

Jeasy, the way to lure her back is to show some self-respect and get out of there like everyone else has suggested.

 

She is losing respect for you with each moment that you tolerate this behavior.

[LilCat]

My boyfriend of 8 years has decided to breakup with me (3 weeks ago) because he feels "we have disconnected" - fooled me! We are both in our early 30's. We own a loft together (for the past 3 years) and neither of us will leave. I unfortunately cannot afford the mortgage myself, but he can. I have poured my heart, blood, sweat and tears into this home and I don't want to leave it! So he is sleeping in the office and I have the bedroom. He wants to be friends?!?! Like seriously!!!! Oh and did I mention he broke up with my on our 8 year anniversary!!! He is completely happy with both of us cohabiting the place, and even makes dinner and leaves me a plate in the microwave! He does go out with his friends a lot now- and is actually away for the weekend at a bachelor party- which is killing me inside wondering what he is doing! We also have a 7 year old dog, which we both treat as our child!! So that's another factor! He hasn't hooked up with anyone, and there isn't anyone else- from what he says, plus we have mutual friends so I probably would've found out.

 

Just a couple of days prior to my heart being ripped out of my chest, he was texting me "I love you" and kiss emojis. We just booked (in May) a trip to Mexico for his friends wedding in December- we were just planning a hiking trip with our dog for August- just 2 weeks prior! I don't get it! He told his friend that we fight all the time- "whaaattt- was I there for these fights" I said. I feel like he is just saying that because he has no explaination! The only problem was our sex life has kind of taken a backseat lately- bit we go through these small ruts sometimes. Other than that, we have (what I thought was a great relationship)- we cook dinner each night together, go for evening walks with our dog, laugh constantly and watch movies and snuggle- so I'm seriously at a loss! Maybe I was so blind and focused elsewhere (work and grad school) that I completely missed all the signs! The only thing I noticed was that lately (past year) he has become quite rude and short with me when we go out with our friends and he is drinking.

 

He says he still loves me so much - but he feels we don't belong together! And I did the same as you at first- cried, begged and moped around! I tried several times to go out with my girlfriends - but I just get this horrible pain and nausea that comes over- so I leave. I hate being the Debbie Downer!

 

Like you, I keep holding on to this hope- that may just end up being false hope! I keep thinking that he will text me over the weekend while he is away- just to hear from me, maybe realizing that he misses me- but probably won't.

 

After reading everyone's responses - I felt sooooo sad, but they are probably right! I guess I just don't want to face it. I think sometimes, if he could hurt me so bad - without providing me with a real reason, there is no way he loves! I woild never want him to feel this pain- I love him!

 

I guess, what I'm trying to say without totally hi-jacking your post, is that I can relate and that I'm sorry that you are going through this too, I know the pain is unbareable! I hope you keep your post updated with what your next moves are.