I should be studying, but...

[thusspokemara]

I don’t have many individuals to commiserate with. I’ve grown distant from the majority of my friends, either due to personality changes/marriage/children, military service injuries and subsequent addiction or relocation. That said it feels therapeutic to write.

I recently ended a five year relationship (it didn’t end, so much as it slowly dissolved). She was a freshman when we began dating; I’m four years her senior. Our relationship was proportionally alternative to the majority. It was predominantly based around D/s and BDSM, and it formed from that point outwards. The relationship had its moments of difficulty, but as an introvert and a fairly sensitive person, I remained completely supportive of her.

She had health issues, both physical and mental, throughout the relationship. She was diagnosed with GAD, MDD (major depressive disorder), etc… at a young age. She also had Stage 1 cervical cancer at age 14. She also developed Endometriosis, which would increase in severity as the years passed.

I was with her at each step in her different recovery processes. I had learned from a past relationship that a Savior Complex was fairly unhealthy and counterproductive, but I offered whatever assistance that I could provide, including staying at her home (she lives with her mother, grandmother and sister) for multiple nights when she was recovering.

 

The relationship began to change approximately a year and a half ago. Her Endometriosis had progressed, she was often bedridden for two-four days a month, her neurotransmitters were fluctuating and there were periods of time where we would see one another, have a conversation and she would sleep for the remainder of the night. She was eventually diagnosed to be suffering from a Prolactinoma (Pituitary tumor), Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, severe Endometriosis and a variety of other complications. She would often ask why I remained with her, or would apologize for the state of the relationship. I don’t believe she could ever accept my answer that it wasn’t her fault; her medical conditions were involuntary and partially hereditary. I simply loved her, and that was enough. She would often ask if I still loved her, though she was always terribly insecure. This was likely due to the fact that her libido had completely disappeared, and she felt horrendous guilt because of it. I have a very dark/odd sense of humor (I was raised on Monty Python), so I always used humor to soften her insecurities when my attempts to quell them failed.

 

At the beginning of April (on her birthday), I took her out after her hormone treatment side effects had subsided. I brought her to a small restaurant, visited a few quirky little shops that she enjoyed and then returned to my home. She hated her birthdays (all holidays in general, as it was a reminder of her parents’ divorce), but I usually found something special to do for each one. As usual, she was so appreciative of the time we had spent together and was hopeful that the worst of her medical issues were behind her.

 

That would be the first of four occasions (not counting the last) that I would see her in two months. Her test results were very discouraging, and she seemed to slip further into a state of unreachable depression. She was there for me when I was medically discharged from the military after a very short time, destroying my hopes of becoming an Officer and causing me to completely dissolve and slip into passive suicidality. I had always supported her throughout her mental/physical illnesses. However, this time she completely retracted. She began having arguments with her mother, stating that she wished she simply wouldn’t wake in the morning and seemed to show little interest in having conversations.

 

The last day she would see my home was May 3rd, my birthday. She was exhausted (unable to stay for cake) but I was happy to see her out and actually in my home. As the days progressed, communication became progressively more distant. I’d often attempt to visit her, but she’d say she felt too ill or exhausted to talk. The second to last time I saw her, she looked completely spent. There was no attempt at physical contact on her part. I rubbed her back, but she seemed apathetic. On the way out the door (to her first appointment with her new psychologist), she hugged/kissed me, told me she loved me and shed a slight tear. I knew that she must have been truly deeply depressed; if it was any other time in our relationship she would have been sobbing.

 

The end came on May 31st. I was in the area after grad school and decided to stop by her home to see how she was feeling. She said they were eating, but she would come out for a minute. It was then that I knew I would likely walk away from that conversation single. She couldn’t look at me, seemed apathetic when I mentioned my summer grad school course, and gave very simple answers. I then asked her how she was feeling about our relationship, as we hadn’t been together for more than a few minutes in the past month. She sighed. Then the venom began. She said something was no longer there, that I was controlling, non-supportive, lacking in love and compassion, etc… and she no longer cared about the relationship. I said if that was the case, this must be the end. She said “yes”, without looking at me. I slowly walked away; she never looked back and walked into her home.

 

I know this was coming from a place of extreme pain, helplessness, apathy, that it was a compulsion to invert reality because of her misery. I won’t lie; it was painful. Was she lying when she said I was on par with her mother in regards to those she loved the most? It causes one to question if you actually were loving, considerate, compassionate; if your partner’s statements that you displayed all of these characteristics were simply lies born from insecurity. I know this to not be the case, especially after speaking with my family and being reassured that I treated her (from what they could tell/what she told them) as lovingly as possible.

 

I’ve only communicated with her once in the past seventeen days, asking for all of my belongings back (she’s a slob and severely depressed) and questioning why I was billed for a Netflix subscription. I did message her mother, thanking her for her compassion for the past five years and my hopes that her health improves, along with wishing her family well. I haven’t received a reply.

 

There’s far more to the story, but I’ve already written a small tome. As a Buddhist, I try to remain in the moment and keep some positivity to my reality. That said, I lost my best friend; the reality of her absence only recently set in because of how infrequent our contact had become and the loneliness soon followed. As it is said, the only thing constant is change. Thanks for reading.

[Tired Tiger]

Hey thus. Welcome.

 

I suppose this is a case where empathy and compassion are really the only options. I know the pain you're feeling right now, but can only imagine what it would be like to walk a mile in her shoes. Stay strong.

[thusspokemara]

Thanks for the welcome, Tiger.

 

Considering the length of the relationship, I'm functioning fairly well. I believe the two months of little contact/severe illness allowed me to accept what was likely inevitable. In reality, the most difficult component is understanding (as much as I can) how much pain, both mentally and physically, she's in.

[hazelnut321]

What an interesting story. I don't really know what to make of it.

 

My first impression is that your GF decided to let you go because she wasn't in any shape to have you. Her mental and physical health just aren't up to the energy level needed to carry on a relationship. I would bet that she is more heartbroken than you are right now.