Realitynut's healing journal...finally

[Silverbirch]

Yayyyyyyyy!!!! I think that is good about not caring about Dan, but obviously you're feeling a bit lonely. Glad to hear you had a nice time with the family and went somewhere nice. I can just see you slithering around in the limo! LOL!

[Realitynut]

A new year...a new avatar....this pic was taken this spring and was especially good....only had to take about 50...so true....it's the one i use on dating sites...lol

 

my other avatar pic was taken at Dans the day before i found out about HER....so time to move on...i guess...to other people to break my heart...lol

[Silverbirch]

It's a lovely photo Carla. Glad that you are finally feeling reading to move on. It won't surprise me if you hear from him again - that maybe things will not work out with that woman. I hope if that happens, you don't change your mind.

[Silverbirch]

happy birthday carla!

[Realitynut]

LOL...Silver...he did call me just 2 days ago....about going on vacation with this new woman..welll...it's been 2 and a half years....since they met...and we were together 3....then strung along...so i guess i shouldn't be calling her the 'new' woman...lol

 

I guess time will only tell....maybe when we're both 80 and i don't have any fight left in me...we'll get back together!

 

I've been emailing/chatting with a guy on POF...a dating site. He has NO picture...he is short...he is POOR...he is polite....we probably would have NO chemistry, but he is the only one acting like he's interested in me!!! lol

 

I think...do i want a REALLY POOR man...i think he's a maintenance person....cleans rental properties. Bummer. I want someone who can help pay for a vacation at least. He works really hard and doesn't sleep at night...and now he's been talking to me...well...i do most of the 'chatting''.....lol....all online...never have heard his voice. He says he has hair but it is turning gray.

 

He knows EVERYTHING about me. he keeps asking questions...and i keep TELLING! Me and my big mouth!

 

I just have a feeling there wont be any chemistry and i will hurt him. I just feel that the good guys are taken! (sorry good guys if you're reading this. lol)

 

He hasn't been in a real relationship for years...so he likes to hear all about mine, and the blow ups and explosions....lol

 

I tried to see him over the Holidays, but he was too busy working...i thought he could have found an hour or two....

 

Then the guy i have a crush on...asked him to a movie on New Years...and he said NO!

 

I'm so sick of being rejected....they don't even give me a chance to show them a REAL, LIVE MELTDOWN!!! dang.

[Realitynut]

ahhhh....who's pony is that??? What a beautiful mane....oooohhh i FINALLY got it...is that my white horse for my knight???? lol....

[Realitynut]

lol....just a random post....what month is this now???? oh yeah, who cares.

 

I posted this in write here instead of contacting him.

 

i just copied and pasted to put in this thread....he is that unimportant to me now. And it is such a shame...i loved him so damn much.

...............................................................................................................................................................

lol...you are calling me constantly....almost every day! And i ignore the calls...and it is now so damn easy! I remember when you had first met her, and i was fighting for you with all my strength. You'd give me the rare random call, and i would actually SHAKE uncontrollably....SHAKE. Now i look at the phone, and remember when i use to care....really care.

 

But now you are only calling to see if i took care of the timeshare we own together...so you and her can go on vacation.

 

I keep telling you i will write the letter saying that you and HER can go....but somehow i never get around to it....lol

 

Paybacks are hell....

 

and you know what? I think i've quit caring.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

Sorry I hadn't seen your posts. Firstly, the white pony is mine. Her name is Lois. The photo is a couple of years old, but she is still beautiful with a magnificent mane and tail.

 

I'm so glad you no longer have feelings for Dan. If she is a millionaire, why doesn't she pay for the holidays herself. LOL, maybe she doesn't want to give him handouts. He must be getting desperate if he is ringing every day.

[Realitynut]

Today...April 6...2 years ago today Dan ended things with me. And just think...he called me 2 days ago!!! lol People said...awww he still thinks of you. No. He calls cuz there's a 'reason'. Every time he calls and we chit chat a bit...i say, ok, what ya want.

 

This time it was about a check that the courthouse sent to HIS house for me, for when he threw me in jail.

 

Oh yeah...it was a fun time.

 

Anyway, last May when i went up there to move, he gave me the check. I never opened the envelope, and somehow it never made it home. The courts sent him a letter...addressed to me...lol...that i never cashed the check and if i needed them to re-issue another one..what to do.

 

Another funny thing happened today. I had a call on my cell phone. I didn't answer it, but i noticed the area code was from Wisconsin and the area where Dan lived. They left me a message. It was Dan's DOCTOR confirming an appt. he has on Tues.! lol

 

Apparently they must still have MY phone number (plus his) to call! lol Now i have to call Dan to tell him his Doctor called ME...for him.

 

Geeze 2 years and we're still so entangled. lol

 

Another funny thing...for those of you that care! teehee

 

Of course i asked about the 'other woman' and he says he doesn't know where that is going. She will never come to his house anymore because of his stupid dysfunctional kids. They use him as a doormat and he's an enabler. He laughed cuz i, and all of his prior gf's told him the same thing.

 

Anyway, i was trying to ask questions about Michelle (ugh) and suddenly we were 'cut off' and the phone was dead. hehehe....wonder if he did it on purpose!

 

Life ...aint it grand.

And the guys that helped me get over Dan emotionally, (but not physically) dumped me for good on Easter when i took him an Easter Basket.

 

It was quite simple really. I asked him, "Are you not romantically inclined towards me at all?"

His reply "NO".

 

Wow. cut and dried. So unlike Dan who LOVED to drag things out cuz he never wanted to 'hurt' your feeling. Well...sometimes he did.

 

So it's just me and dog.

 

I still wonder if Dan and i will end up together when we are old and gray, but then i think about his rotten boys who moved into his house and won't get out. Then i think of my rotten boys who live in MY house and won't move out...

 

Crap. I want it to be like it use to be. Making love, going to the beach, playing with pup, being so happy....and me not have any mood swings. (and no kids living at his house...or my house....ugh)

 

Wouldn't life be grand?

 

Oh...i guess...BTW We ARE old and gray. Under our colored hair...ugh again.

[Silverbirch]

LOL Yeah, I'm old and grey under the colored hair too!

 

So sorry about the newer guy and Dan too. Anniversaries can be rotten. It's ironic how things have turned out with Dan's other woman isn't it? Yeah, I'll bet he thinks of you lots - not to say I think you should be back with him - you deserve better than him.

 

What do you mean "the check" you never cashed. Did he give you a financial settlement. If so, I think you should have cashed it.

 

Well, my son says to me: "Mum, men are bastids" Well, it's me, my dog, my cat and 3 ponies.

 

Grown-up kids at home can be such a pain. In my teenage generation, most of us left home much earlier than these guys. My parents were not happy about me leaving in my teens and wanted me to stay. Seems to be the reverse these days with lots staying at home until they are 30 or so. My son moved back in with his father for a few months so that he could save more money for his overseas trip. His father is a money-bag and son doesn't pay for much at all when he lives there. His father says he doesn't cause much grief at home - but then I don't think there are any rules there either.

 

Well, too bad we don't live closer, I'd come to the beach with you with my dog. I know that wouldn't be the same as you having a man with you,but I'll bet we would have a good time. XXXX

[Realitynut]

Talked to Dan for an hour last night. He called me. I was going up there to get the rest of my stuff...and plants this months...lol....only 2 years and 2 months after he dumped me.

 

He met 'me' June 23, 2007. He met 'her' June 25, 2010. We were to get married June 11, 2011.

 

He said it's not going well with 'her'. She quit going to his house in January cuz of his rotten kids. Now he has to drive a whole friggin hour to see her. WAAAGH. And i drove 4 friggin hours to see 'him'...and did he give a flying leap??

 

Well now....i have been here gloating...cuz i knew their relationship was floundering...and was making me so damm happy!

 

But when i pushed him on his relationship, i asked. When was the last time you saw her. He said 3 days ago. I said...whoopie...you're still seeing her. He said he must be fickle. (do people still use that word??)

 

Anyway...he continued...'Ive been going to the gym 3 days a week...and have been talking to a girl" ! My heart plummeted.

 

He said "she's there when I'm there...and that she likes to go for walks...just like you" He missed that. "SHE" wasn't big on walking...i think she usually drank and watch football....his old life before he met me. Which then consisted of walking, biking, working on his house...working on his yard... and fighting.

 

So....as i was saying...i crashed. I so wanted him to suffer. I wanted HER to dump him...and have HIM hurt. Or HIM dump HER and have HER go thru the depression i did. SOMEONE...PLEASE SUFFER!!!

 

But nope. Sounds as if the breakup will be mutual. No one will suffer. He will have a new wonderful women that goes to the gym, likes to walk...and not fight.

 

I'm bummed

 

he can get a woman at the drop of a hat...and yet...i have no one.

I'm MORE than bummed.

[ChocoBears]

Hey, I've read some of your posts from before and I read parts of your journal just now. I'm sorry to hear about what happened, but you've gotten so much better. Just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I can relate to your feelings. Wish you the best, good luck, and thanks for sharing your story.

[Silverbirch]

HUGS CARLA! Well, he sounds like a great big baby to me. You are heaps better off without him. Well, you haven't been completely on your own - there was that young guy and then Eric. That's a start. Sometimes I think that I'm getting used to the fact that I will likely grow old and be on my own with my furries - but you know, truthfully, it could be worse.

[Realitynut]

Thanks LemonCookie.....i figure people read that and think...boy she sure IS nuts! lol

 

I don't know if i'm 'ok' yet....i'm not crying every damn day like i did for FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT....

 

But i sure as hell am lonely!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

I don't think you are nuts. I think you need to meet a really nice, handsome guy who will treat you well - and so do I.

[Realitynut]

hahaha....was just gonna post something about Dan....but say i'm too pisssssed right now to talk....and then i looked at the date!

 

It's July 5. barely. July 5. 3 years ago today Dan and i were so in love. Or at least i was. He got down on his knees and proposed , not only once...but 3 times! I have been engaged so many times i can't keep track...be he was the first to get down on bended knee...oh i was soooo happy. I cried.

 

Now. well. I talked to him a few days ago. I was suppose to go to his house July 6 to get my plants and the rest of my things. Oh yes....the irony of it all. I'm sure he doesn't even KNOW that he proposed july 5.....or care.

 

But anyway...even tho we have been talking for 2 months when i can come up...and we even got out our calendars and MARKED them....JULY 6....Monday and Tues...his days off (so i wouldn't wreck the wk ends he has off!)

 

He now called yesterday and tried to get out of it. First by saying he was getting an MRI done on his shoulder. So?

 

Then he laughed sheepishly and said he was seeing a new woman, and she wanted to come and stay with him that week.

 

After i screamed F U about a million times, and said she can see you the rest of your F'ing LIFE.....and you can't renege on me again....i hung up.

Crap...i guess there goes me spending the night with him Monday and taking pup and all of us going to lake Michigan as one big happy family as we use to. (we had discussed doing that just the week before...he even mentioned us going to Wisconsin Dells....sheesh!)

 

Damn him.

Damn men

Yes. I had sex with someone 2 weeks ago.

The last time was Dan last summer.

Yep. One whole year.

4 days later, this new guys says, lets just be friends.

huh?

Screw them.

All.

Eat chocolate.

Lots.

 

[Realitynut]

Oh...and he also said, "you're not gonna wreck my yard, are you?"

I said, if i was planning on wrecking your yard, i would have come in the middle of the night ....and WRECKED IT! sheesh

 

His yard was NOTHING when i met him. A few hostas growing out of the foundation of his house.

 

I dug up every plant from my old house and bought a kazillion more....just to landscape his damn yard.

damn him.

damn men.

[Cheetarah]

Confused a bit, Rn. Are you reflecting, or are you tangled up a bit in the mess that is Dan? I should keep up better than this.

[Realitynut]

hahaha...i am confusing aren't I? He dumped me for the other woman April 6 2 years ago. But because he did it over the phone...he still had all my things...and he lives 4 hours away in Wisconsin.

 

So last year in May...i went up there with some friends...i drove my van. They drove a moving truck. People asked how it went...i said, well, if you consider hugging and kissing and crying.....good....then i went ok...lol

 

Even with the moving truck etc.....i still wasn't able to get all my things. I basically had moved in with him

Then the next month...last year in June...he came down to my hometown for a funeral...and we went out and laughed etc. And had sex. I was still sorta crazy over him...apparently. Then the next month...another aunt died...and we went out again...and he spent the night. he said he was glad the 'other woman' didn't come. I think things were cooling down by then!

Then in Oct. i met a guy that helped me get over dan...even tho we never even had sex...lol...he refused me...and me being BPD...i went ballistic....ya know....abandonment...not wanted...etc. So he withdrew....i think he is Bi-polar...he says both his kids take meds for it....ugh...anyway, new guy and i txt for 6 months almost every day...and see each other only a few times. He dumps me for good on Easter...during a depressed state.

 

But....oh well.

 

Wanted to get the rest of my stuff from Dan in the spring. Plants mostly...but some furniture...tent...porch swing. Bought a trailer to haul it all in. I found out from Dan...he'd call me every once in a while....and told me the woman he was with...quit coming to his house in January cuz of his rotten kids. And she lives an hour away. Their relationship was going south. And i still in 2 years....never really HAD a relationship!!! CRAP!

 

So a few weeks ago, we were discussing when i could come up. He said not to comeon the weekend...HORRORS...might intrude on his fun! Then he said he met this new woman...even tho he was 'sorta' still seeing Michelle. The next week he said she came to his house...but they were 'just friends'...i screamed BULL...into the phone...and hung up.

 

Then last week...he said...ummm...do you have to come this week. Mon and Tues....oh yes...and we talked about going to the lake together 2 weeks ago also...etc etc. BECAUSE this new woman wanted to spend the week with him!

 

WHAT!! She lives in the same damn town he does! I told him she can see him any f'ing time she wants.

 

Granted. I am upset because he has a new woman. I wanted him to SUFFER...by that last woman dumping HIM...or her suffering by him dumping her...but NO ONE is suffering except me! I guess i still cared.

 

Then to make matters even worse. I met a guy online. Not one that i particularly cared for, but on that i could 'tolerate'...i am so bad. NO ONE compares to Dan....ugh.

 

Anyway, new guy...even tho he made me mad all the time...he had NO endearing qualities...lol...after a month...we finally had sex. It was also the first night he had ever kissed me. We had NOT been romantic in any way before this. But he spent the night out of town with me. We were even in the hot tub...with me in my swimsuit...and him NAKED! lol

 

Anyway....4 days later...i got the 'lets be friends' txt.

 

Last spring i had sex with a couple of guys...and then it was OVER once that happened...so then other than Dan last year...i had no one for a damn year....and then i broke my vow of NO SEX unless i know they really CARE...and look what happens.

 

So....i am pissed.

Hurt.

Lonely.

Angry.

 

Wanting to wring someone's neck...and in this case...i can think of 3...or 4...or 5.

 

Oh...Dan said if i came up there...he could introduce me to her!!

 

I thought to myself...yeah...i could tell her how you cheated on me with Michelle while we were planning our wedding...then you cheated ON Michelle with ME...while you were down here for a funeral.....then you were cheating on Michelle with HER...

 

and the story goes on and on...

 

And that is why i need chocolate!

 

Are you sorry you asked Cheet? lol

 

BTW...Mateo is one BEAUTIFUL baby....

[Cheetarah]

What is it about Dan, rn?

 

No one should compare to him as there should be no comparison. He is soo not where you want to set the bar. He's got that track record and apparently hasn't changed a lick. Ugh.

 

Truly though, that's a genuine question.

 

Big hugs. Sharing some of my chocolate with you.

[Silverbirch]

BIG BIG HUGS CARLA. I am still glad you never got back with D because we all know he is a real Son of a B. Well, you just haven't met the right one yet.

[Realitynut]

hahaha...and it certainly isn't cuz i haven't been LOOKING~

 

I don't know what it was about Dan.

 

He was just about everything i was looking for. Easy going. No anger...at ALL! Fun..liked the same things i did. Not lazy... a real worker. And if i asked for something...he did it. Like digging up flower beds for me...and going places. He like to watch all the reality shows i like! lol....and he was good in bed. After i got to know him (after 3 months) i thought he was so damn handsome he was about to blind me! Sex was fantastic...ummm....what else...lol

 

His negatives? Extremely cheap.

His kids. His enabling ways....and that included enabling me....which i liked....:stupid:

 

But he's pretty much all about having FUN....with him and his buddies etc. And once the romance fades....he's off and running. The kids are what really has run some gf's off.

 

Oh well.....I was CRAZY about him....and yep...no one has even come close.

I think it was cuz we did so much together...and he was sooo easy going. I was the one who got crabby. But he never saw being buds with his ex-wife as anything to be crabby about! lol

[Realitynut]

I txted Dan last night just to say I hope he had a good Thanksgiving. That he has lots to be thankful for! Even tho the Packs lost. (His favorite football team)

 

Tonite he called me. I was out shopping for paint with my friend Tom. I didn't answer. He left a message. I'm hear alone now, and i just don't have that burning desire to even listen to it!

 

HA...woulda been a time i would have been SHAKING with nerves and anticipation....or anxiety. eh

 

In a way I'm still in love with him, but he is so damn shallow....and really never gave a lick about me.

 

Mostly about himself. ugh

[ThatwasThen]

If he is shallow, didn't give a lick about you and only thinks of himself, why would you even bother texting him? You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette. You allow him to remain in you brain by reaching out to him when he doesn't pay you any attention. Let - him - go.

 

When you can't let go of an ex then you are not going to make a good partner to a future prospect.

 

Sorry to seem harsh.. I do empathize but I just don't get the hanging onto him, his memory, journalling keeps him forefront in your mind when the goal of every breakup is to get to the stage of indifference to someone who didn't care, thought only of himself, left and is marrying someone else. To keep him so prominent in your mind is detrimental to your own moving on like he has.

 

I do wish you strength in letting go. You seem like a nice person who deserves to be free of thoughts of someone who is gone.

[Realitynut]

I'm really 95 1/2 % let go! lol

 

And at this point, I'm not looking for a romantic partnership. I got my friend Tom....to hang with. But i feel NOTHING romantically for him.

 

But I'm happy. Don't know how long Tom will hang around taking just a hug goodbye! lol.....but he's getting his house fixed up! I'd be lost without him. Lonely. He's becoming more attractive to me all the time. But i just don't feel that 'pull' to want to kiss him. nope.

 

So I'm just muddling thru life....and enjoying it at this point.

 

Dan is just a memory...really....and mostly a good one. I really do put most the blame on me for the break up. But i know it's over. Period.

 

I keep my ex's as friends. (except ex husband.....cuz i NEVER could stand him!!!! )

 

I don't have the crazy up's and down's i had with Dan. I'm just in the 'middle' of content.

 

If that makes sense.:subdued: