Realitynut's healing journal...finally

[Realitynut]

heehee after I I wrote that I got up an made me my meal of peanut butter and bread, even tho I an not hungry. My sis brought me some food at work, and for lunch a customer brought me some food. So I'm sitting here feeling fatter than ever, and now I'm gonna eat..bye. to everyone.

[Silverbirch]

OMG Carla,

Don't you get the urge to eat anything other than peanut butter. It's a wonder you can stand to look at it anymore!

[Silverbirch]

Hey Carla, if you want to increase your chances of seduction of your ex or another man, lay off the peanut butter, get some yoghurt, porridge, muesli, lean steaks, and vitamins. Take care of yourself Hon. xxxx

[Realitynut]

Seduction? What's that?

 

I'm in the thro's of destroying myself, my home, and whatever life I might have left. Was going to go to the pool today. It's hot. was off work early. I didn't. Was going out to listen to a band (by myself, ugh) tonite. I didn't. I have been on this couch since 4:30 this afternoon, and it is now almost 3 in the morning. I looked at all the pictures we downloaded from his camera the last time he was here. The pictures we took last July while on vacation and he was proposeing. The pic that I LOVED of us, that was suppose to be our engagement pic. I burst out crying . boy that was sure a stupid thing to do.

 

I looked at all the fat, ugly old men that emailed me on the free damn dating site. Who's to say I' m any better. This whole wk.end, 3 more days of no work. A Holiday. And I have nothing to do, and no one to do it with. Oh I could clean.

 

SB. I made speghetti for supper tonite and shared it with my dog. She loved it. But I had the peanut butter earlier!!! lol To tell you the truth, it's peanut butter mixed with Karo corn syrup. I never tell anyone, because no one ever heard of it. something my dad use to make when we were growing up. Yes fattening, that's why I never ate it except for special occasions. I can't tell you how many loaves of bread, jars of peanut butter, and bottles of karo syrup I went tthru. I will quit one of these days. I guess the day I join a gym...lol (since I've never joined a gym in my life, can't afford it)

[Silverbirch]

Hi Carla,

I just finished a very lean steak with some Spanish onion. I know what you mean about lying around though. Went and had a make-over done at most awarded hairdressing salon in Melbourne today. I was there so long, by the time I got home too late to go out. It's extremely windy here and I'm happy to be curled up in bed anyway. Writing about it shortly in my journal.

[Silverbirch]

Hey Carla, where are you? How bout an update!

[Realitynut]

It's your birthday today. How I want to text you so badly and say Happy Birthday. But I won't. I'm sure she is sleeping next to you. Last year on your birthday was our big blow out fight, that ultimately caused our demise. Both at fault. But then I found out about HER. I wonder If we would not have had the big fight, how long it would have taken. Tomorrow it will be 4 months since I have seen you. I have cried every day except last week, I missed 2 days. Wow...2 days in 4 months that I haven't cried. I miss you so much. You will never know how much I loved you. How much I gave to you. I thought we were to be together forever. I didn't think anything could or would break us apart. You just didn't love me as much as I did you...but then I was harder to love, wasn't I.? I wish I could have been that woman you were looking for. I wish that i would have been the love of your life. I adored you. But I made you my whole life. And now that you are gone, I have nothing. I sit every day on the couch and wish that I hadn't screwed it up. Pup and I love you daddy. Happy Birthday Sweetheart.

[Silverbirch]

I hope he burns his nose blowing out the candles on his birthday cake.

 

Hugs Carla.

[Realitynut]

I miss him so much. I feel like I've gone downhill. All day Sunday (yest.) I never got dressed, combed my hair or brushed my teeth. sat on this computer all day. Today is monday. doing the same thing. If I have no customers, i do nothing. It's been so dang hot I don't want to go outside, but today it's not so bad. My poor pup wants to go for a walk. I've only walked with him 2 or 3 times in 4 months. with dan we walked almost daily. I'm not just mentally down, I'm physically down. I'm the fattest I've been in years. Gained almost 20 pounds in the last couple of months. Inactivity and just eating sweet sh*t. I can hardly get out of bed. Almost noon everyday. I hate looking at myself. I hate my house. I hate my life. I hate the fact he left me for another woman. Even tho he had wanted to leave me for years...I don't think he ever would have....if it wouldn't have been for her and his rotton kids. How I miss the life we had. I would have been laying on the beach with him and pup....and now it's him and her boating and doing who knows what!!! And i sit here on the couch.

 

I thought about being dead last night. and again this morning. The best way to go would be with the car running in the garage, but I don't have a garage!!!lol

A tear just ran down my cheek. I am so alone.

[Realitynut]

Another month has gone by. I wanted to call him soooooo bad tonite. To think that he never even THINKS about me, is unbearable. I got up today at 1:30 pm. Then went back to bed at 3:30 for an hour. It would help so much if I was busier at work . Tomorrow I have a customer at 1 pm. I'm wishing I didn't have her so I could just sleep all day, or at least have the opportunity if I wished. The weather here today was perfect. 72 degrees. Perfect, and the only reason I left the house was to cut Joanns hair at 6. Her husband died yesterday, but yet I cried at her house about poor pitiful me. I felt ashamed that I was crying tears for ME, and not HER! How shallow is that.

 

Then I went to bettys house and watched t.v. then my bro called and talked about his girlfriend. And I thought of Dan, and wanted to see him, talk to him, hold him.

 

Been 5 months since he ended it. I woke up and almost felt energised. after all it was afternoon. I planned on cleaning up my pigsty. I did my dishes. That's all. Ate a bunch of toast with butter and sugar. Tonite bananas with icecream and sugar. Sugar, butter, sugar, butter. I'm 20 pounds more than I was last Sept when I found out about her, and lost these Damn 20 pounds. It had originally taken me 3 years to gain them, and now I did it all within 3 months...almost 2.

 

I had 2 bad dates Sat. and Sun. Totally different. One liked me, one didn't. Of course the one who liked me didn't have a pot to piss in, and the other had a beautiful farm with such nice horses and the cutest little donkey. They were the only thing to make me smile in so long... but he didn't like me. Of course I talked of Dan and my life. He talked of his life. He had been married 3 times. The last two only lasted one year ea., so maybe he has issues also!! lol

 

I wish that maybe I would have dated a little bit before I had met Dan, then maybe, I would have somehow been nicer. If somehow Icould have.....don't know.....

[Silverbirch]

Hi Carla,

Been thinking of you. Hey, did you see the link to the Cosmopolitan site where you upload a passport type photo and get to try on the celebrity hairstyles. GF from work says she has bought some hair extensions from Ebay and waiting to see what they are like. I'm over my job and could fancy doin a Thelma and Louise type escapade with you. Alas, I'm as broke as your date right now.

 

Oh, too bad about your dates, but maybe the poor guy has lots of other good qualities. Oh gosh, married 3 times. I think it was good then that he didn't like you. LOL!

[superfox]

Wow Carla, I've been reading your back story today as I couldn't believe you're in your 50's! Big hugs and kisses, I hope today is better x

[Silverbirch]

Yes, she's beautiful isn't she?

[Realitynut]

6 months and 10 minutes since I last saw him. Been out of my depression for 2 wks and 4 days. I had called him and left a long msg. (on mycell ph. that he still has, but doesn't use) I cried and said how much I miss him. That was 2 wks, and 4 days ago. lol....he never has called back or responded in any way. I just makes me realize how much he really didnt love me at all. I could never have done that to him....of course I would never have cheated on him. It's unbelievable how he strung me along. He even admitted it. I acknowledged it. We both knew what he was doing, but I thought I;d win in the end...cuz I thought it was fate. I wish I could have been a different person. The people on these sites act like it was always their guys fault. But I drove him away. But that doesn't mean he had to cheat on me, and still p;ropose the next wk. Or lead me on. Then get back with me, then still see her behind my back. It was all so devious...and he had never been devious. He had always been so kind-hearted and forgiving. Everyone loved him. He had no enemies. He was not judgemental. He accepted everyone, and their flaws. Except for me. I was that 'crazy woman' that the guys can never get away from fast enough. Just the fact that he stayed with me as long as he did, proved that he tried. I guess. I just don't see how I could ever love another person. Guys might be attracted to me initially, but then when the real me comes out...the needy me. The emotional, crying, running upstairs when I'm upset me, that kind of woman that drives men nuts....what happens when that person comes out? Will they all leave me??? And who's to say I will love them, the way I loved Dan? I had tons of boyfriends before I got married at 32. I never loved anyone the way I loved dan, and I met him when I was 52! What are the chances. I'd say NONE.

Silverbirch just fell in love. fudgie just fell in love. A friend of mine last wk just met a new woman, and I think they are falling in love. I can't imagine loving anyone but him. I can't imagine making love to anyone, and not imagine it being him. No one, but no one, knows how much I loved him. I thought he would stick by me thru thick and thin, thru my temper tantrums, thru the rough waters....cuz I gave so damn much of myself. I gave him everything. My love, my time, my money, my hopes and dreams, my future was all put in his hands...and he took those hands and threw it all away. for another woman. I really truly believe, if he hadn't met her, we'd still be together.

 

Maybe this is to be my growing period. Because never ever before, have I ever hurt this bad. Never have I looked inside myself, and said I had to change. I had hoped to find someone who loved me as I was. The good parts and the bad parts. But everyone here says that's unhealthy. Unless you are perfect, everything else is unhealthy. So I guess I have to change. I'm gonna be 57. How does an old woman change when she's been this way her whole life. I've always been insecure. Always. Insecure about my body. Insecure emotionally. All stemming thru my childhood and young adulthood. Now my self-esteem has been shattered again. It make a person just want to give up!

 

I really am out of depression. that is why I can write all of this. But doesnt mean my life isn't lonely. I've never gone longer than about 3 monts without a man in my life since I was 17. Except of course when I was married for 20 yrs and didn't have sex for the last 15 and hardly any before....so basically I was alone then. But still had him in the house, plus the kids, and the dog. I wasn't ALONE.

 

Some people might be happy being alone. but I don't see the point in it. I want to look at the moon, and share it with someone. I want to WALK, but walk with someone, travel with someone, lay in bed WITH someone, and laugh at my pup. And just not any someone....but someone that adores me....just as I am...I want a man who looks at me, and says, I'm so glad "God" brought us together. I thought I had that with him. boy was I stupid.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla. I did think also that I wouldn't be able to love anyone like that again, but I was wrong. It's BETTER with David. A hundred times better, maybe more. It's not too late for you to meet someoone. Love isn't like that I can see now.

 

I too have had my fears that I'm going to get clingy or do something to wreck the relationship with David,but I've never wanted to be with anyone more, and NOBODY has ever felt this right for me. I am not going to sabotage this. David says he isn't going to let me get clingy either - AND HE MEANS IT. I don't think that means he is going to dump me either, but that he will tell me to pull my head in if I do. There are so many good things happening in my life now that I think that is less likely to happen.

 

Hey girlfriend, I have been meaning to tell you that my friend from work just bought these great clip-on hair extensions on Ebay from Hong Kong. They look so real and only $9 for a pack of 6. I'm going to get 2 packs - 1 of light brown, the other blonde and give the illusion of my hair being 3-4 inches longer. Just thought I'd let you know coz you might like to get some for your bidness! Take care and speak soon. xxxx

[Realitynut]

I guess this is my monthly update. Dan called me this week for the first time since June. It was in response to a letter I wrote about getting my things back from him. My dad insisted I write him a letter that Dan has to sign and send back saying he will 'relinquish' my belongings. Of course he will...he's not like my ex-husband...MEAN!

 

Talking to him did make me realize how much I did love him, and still do to a point...he was a jerk to lie, lead me on, and have an affair, and throw me in jail for no reason....I have to focus on that I guess.

 

I will write later, I just got done writing a whole bunch on S.B.s thread...hahahaha, so I'm typed out, and my "job list" today was to clean house, NOT write to ENA!!! LOL

 

 

so gotta get off the couch and accomplish something. My life is crap. Anyone reading this, please pray for me that my life comes together before I get so old I can't enjoy it!!! LOL, I'm going to be 57 on Christmas Eve. I would really like to find love sometime in my life. I know some people are happy alone, I'm just not one of them.....Oh, just cry me a river...

LOL

Talk later...C and P (Carla and Pup)

[Silverbirch]

I'm praying for you Carla. I know you are still feeling sad and frustrated, but I do think you are sounding as though you are genuinely in the healing stages. Keep hanging in there Carla. xxx

[mrtango]

Carla, I know how it's difficult. I know that you loved him deeply. I commend you. The hardest thing in our lives is to get over someone we love. It's the most difficult task. I hope you will heal.

 

I feel for you. I am in the same boat, that's why I can understand how you feel. Neither family nor friends can understand this if they never experienced that kind of pain. It's a long journey. I hope you will handle it.

 

Good luck.

[Realitynut]

Thanks, you made me tear up, cuz no one does understand. My mom says it's just because I don't have him, that now I 'love him so much', and it was just an obsession. Maybe it was...who knows. I've been with many guys in my life, and married for 20, and no one had I ever felt like this before...or spiraled in such a deep depression before. My sis wrote me a letter and said, everyone has had their heart broken, but did they dwell on it, no, they moved on, so get over it!

 

Well, I remember it seems to me, she had 3 long term relationships and she ended all 3!!! so she doesn't know sh*t!! LOL

 

And depression is another whole ball of wax! When people say snap out of it, go for a walk etc, and you feel like you can't even lift your arms in bed. What do they know. I can't tell you how many times I went to bed and wished with all my heart I would never wake up...and I meant it!

 

I don't wish for it now, but if I died....I really wouldn't care....except my dog would miss me...lol

[mrtango]

Carla,I think that love is a kind of obsession. So (as your mom told you) it is an obsession. But remember this: You are in love. It's a feeling that only a few person can feel. Only fewer of them can keep it for eternity. It's a rare feeling that you taste.

 

So your life has a meaning. You live what others can't. I know it's difficult because I know how I felt when I've been dumped. I am in love and she's not anymore. But I know that if you experienced that love once, if you can love with whole your hearth, I am sure that one day you can find the eternal and unconditional love. Because your hearth will know it and recognize it when you will see that special person.

 

It's normal for you to be depressed. And sometimes it endures for a year. I am suffering for 4 and a half months and sometimes it gets easier but sometimes it's difficult even to breath.

 

I understand that you feel lonely and depressed, it's normal. You would see how many hours I walk in a day just to clear my toughts. I am not crazy neither you're. It's only hard times of our lives. Think about it: 30 years after, what will you think about now? It will be nothing compared to your whole life experience.

 

I wanted to die because I felt that life is meaningless without her. But I was so wrong... You know, I quit my job (what a stupid idea on my part!) and went abroad just to forget her. But I couldn't, because it's in my mind... I can't go out of my mind. So I decided to accept it as a part of my life. Now I don't try to forget her, I will always remember her as a delightful person whom I love. I will live with this pain but it will not hurt as it was before. I know that.

 

I hope you will get better. Good luck in your journey.

[Realitynut]

O.K. another monthly update. On Dec. 23, we would have been together 4 and 1/2 year...but I cant' say that, since SHE'S now been with him for over a year, with me thrown in for those 4 months. but I got back with Dan last Dec. 3, and on Christmas day of last year, I found all her love letter and cards to him, plus the porn pics, and his breakup letter to her (the rough draft, why he saved it I'll never know) saying that everytime he saw her, he loved her more and more...but yet he told me he NEVER told her he loved her...and that he LOVED ME! Yeah, right. All that, PLUS the porn pics, all printed out in their gory details! I found all that on Christmas Day night, while looking for my swimsuit. We were going to go to a water park the next day. Hmmm...and he wonders why I acted crazy half the time!

 

Then New Year's came. It was WONDERFUL. Romantic. Just him and me. Then I find out in the middle of January, that he was still seeing her!! All that time. No wonder he didn't say he was sorry when I found those letters and pics, even tho he then threw them in the fireplace and burned them. I hope he hasn't burned all our letters and pics. I doubt it...we had 3 BIG albums FULL.

 

4 years down the tubes. Now here I am a year later. Alone on my birthday. Alone Christmas night. My dad is dying and had a blood transfusion today. As I was driving to the hospital, I was in a car accident. Sorta my fault, I had to slam on my breaks, but I stopped just inches before hitting the car in front of me. but the car behind me, slammed into me, and pushed me into the SUV in front of me. So my front is smashed in (it's a minivan) and the back rear hatch door doesn't open. But it drives and the lights are broken, but still work!!! I just can't put oil in it...lol

 

I told SB, if we didn't have bad luck we'd have no luck at all....but she found a good man. Its nice to have someone to lean on. I really believe Dan was almost perfect for me. No one is perfect...but he was close. It's just that he wanted perfect. I don't sweep things under the rug. I get upset. I'm probably BPD. God I hope not. But probably am. He said he's never had one confrontation with her, ever. Well....aint that just fine and dandy! I'm sorry I don't keep things in. I am very sensitive, and finding a new guy is gonna be soooo tough.

 

I can't even get past a first date. Usually I don't like them, and when I find one I do....I do something that turns him off. So, I met a man on link removed. He was 46 and we emailed and txed for two weeks. We had one date, on Dec 23 (catch that date???) and after that he went cool.I'm not sure what went wrong...so I emailed him tonite and asked....that's probably one of the NO, NO"S that you are not suppose to do. Bug them about "what went wrong"...lol

 

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU PROMISE NOT TO JUDGE ME HARSHLY....OR DO NOT JUDGE AT ALL....

I have to admit...so don't judge.....S.B...don't read this....but when He took me out to eat, he said he'd fix me bisquits and gravy for breakfast in the morning. I said, "WHAT, I'm spending the NIGHT???"

I live over an hour away, and I knew I'd be drinking, but I could manage. We went to his house and watched a movie, snuggled on the couch. He's quite religious, in fact, I'd say "very". I was thinking about sleeping in another bedroom, but he said the heat went out upstairs, and he had to have a space heater in his bedroom. so first we climbed into bed with all our clothes on. Let me tell ya, I haven't slept with clothes on since I was 18. We still hadn't even kissed!!! lol

Well, once we started kissing....hmmmm....got carried away, but didn't have sex/make love/whatever.

 

Next morning he was kissing my neck and acting all amorous. So finally I thought, Oh, what the hell...I like the guy a lot, we had been talking for 2 weeks, I didn't feel like he was a complete stranger, AND, and this is a big AND....I thought we'd be seeing each other again. He even had bought me a christmas present. And seemed all smitten with me.

 

Until after the deed was done. It's like, whoops, you slept with me...now I don't want you. He still txted for a while, but was MUCH cooler. And now for 2 days has not been in touch with me. Before that, he was txting constantly. Cost me a small fortune. Now I feel like a fool. I feel like trash. I feel rejected...again. Not only didn Dan leave me for another woman while we were engaged, but now I cant' even have a relationship that lasts longer than a 'one night stand"!!! OMG! How pathetic is that! I feel really worthless. He kept saying he liked hugs and kisses. I know he would never have progressed that far, but hellsbells, I'm an old woman, but I still got turned on. I really thought we'd be seeing each other on a regular basis.

 

Have I learned my lesson? Probably not.

I just had a birthday. I gained 30 pounds this summer. I'm now 57. Pretty damm old. He was 46...looked about my age...hehe, and he kept telling me I was gorgeous, and that I wasn't fat! (yeah, well, we all know THAT was a lie) but it felt good to hear. It felt good to be held again. Maybe I snored too much, and too loud. I did. and I tried not to, but Idid fall asleep eventually. Bad.

 

I feel so unwanted, and rejected. Is this called "feeling sorry for one's self"?????? YEP! I am....and this is my journal, and I can say and feel anyway I dammmmm well want to!!!!

 

Until next month....this is my life.....

 

Carla and pup

[Realitynut]

Feb 1. It's been 10 months since I last saw Dan. I still think of him daily...many times. I don't cry daily. I could if I wanted to...and do if I talk about him enough...but when he pops into my mind...I try to dismiss it. But I would say, he pops in at least every few hours still....pretty sad, huh?

 

Maybe I was obsessed. Wish I could become obsessed with another handsome, viral guy, that was fun, and easy going, but who loved me with every fiber of his being! Know anyone??

 

It's just EVERYTHING reminds me of him, because he was on my mind 100 percent of the time before. I went shopping at Menards ( a lumber/hardware kinda store) and I was looking at the pictures for sale, and the Menards in his hometown, was where we bought the pics for the entryway. I almost had a meltdown...I felt soffacated and wanted to cry. So I broke down and bought a huge picture (over 200 bucks) as a housewarming gift for myself...on a house I don't even own yet....but it made me think of something else!!!

 

I'm afraid if I EVER meet another man, I will always have a 'thing' for "Dan". Don't know. Hope not. And I'm still fat. Lost 2 pounds. 2 down, 25 to go...lol

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

Tell us about the house. I recall there was one you really liked which you were hoping your father might help you out with. Do you still have yours sights set on it?

 

 

Congrats on the weight loss!

 

 

Well, it does sound at least that you are not quite as sad about Dan as you were a couple of months ago.

[Realitynut]

Hi SB...yep that's it! The one I lived in for 20 yrs. It's a big victorian. dad's paying cash for it. We put in an offer....or I should say HE did. Now we are just waiting to see if the bank accepts it.

 

No, I'm not crying over Dan on a daily basis. But doesn't mean I'm over him....I wish some handsome dude just walked into my life!!! lol and somehow I would become a kind, CALM, wonderful woman (and thin) that every man wants....lol...but yet they can be imperfect!!!

 

Ah men, can't live with them, can't live with out them.....lol...oh, isn't that what they say about US????

[Silverbirch]

Oh God I hope you get this house. I bet it is lovely! A big Victorian!! I'd settle for a shack if it was mine - as long as I could have the ponies, dog and cat with me! Would have to be in the country.

 

LOL, you don't need to be thin Silly Woman! Well sooner or later some handsome dude is bound to come along. Well, actually don't you find that when you go to the hardware store, it's easy to talk to men there - sometimes anyway.