Please help me!

[LP90]

This is very long but i please ask anyone willing to read it to read it all and give all your input.

 

I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with my breakup. After 2 years of what seemed to be a great relationship i found out she cheated on me last week and i need your guys help. I spoke to her father on the phone saturday before seeing her to finalize things, so to speak. Her father and i spoke man to man and as friends for over an hour about everything thats been going on between her and this "friend". Looong story short, i realize that my lack of attention over the past few months definitely played a role in her wanting to seek other options to get attention and have fun but i cant get over the fact how she did it instead of coming to me directly. We were going through a pretty tough time together from all the insecurities and arguments over the small things i was noticing like less calls, texts, attention lack, interest, passion, etc. She was telling me i was being paranoid and nothing was going on. Come thursday i found out she was at the mall holding this "freinds" hand. I became enraged and blew up to myself and even left work on the spot and said "its over", its all been a lie all along i said. After having maaany talks with people im more confused as to what i should do. I finally talk it over very deeply with my parents who are always happy to give me advice and they said realistically she didnt do anything THAT horrible, wrong definitely but it was just hand holding and i have to forgive her and move on because we both really love eachother. And its obvious from the amount of crying and worrying we do over eachother.

 

Come saturday and we meet up face to face in a park to be alone and talk. I tell her everything thats on my mind and to myself plan to forgive her. I tell her everything i was taught and told from my parents and hers. I guess i put her on a guilt trip to let her know how badly she has hurt me with all the lying and betrayal. And at one point i said i wouldnt be one bit surprised if more than hand holding has happened and you wont admit it cuz you're afraid. For some reason she admitted to me they were at a movie a week or more ago and he turned to her and kissed her. I literally threw up on the spot, cried and walked away. I began to shake, body turned numb and i almost passed out. I couldnt believe i was cheated on all along and she told me to my face a few days ago how much she loved me! As i was walking to my car i almost passed out so I sat down on the ground. She finally got off the bench and started heading back to her car and saw just how bad i was doing, went and got me some water and sat next to me to calm me down. She said you are wrong, i have ALWAYS loved you and still love you. I made a huge mistake i will never forgive myself for and can only hope and pray you can give me 1 last chance to prove myself to you. I kept saying NO NO, you dont love me, you would never have done this if you really loved me, you knew it was wrong and you did it and more than once!

 

We sat about 10 ft apart facing eachother and after 15 mins started to talk about reality and whats gonna happen now. She cried and cried for over an hour because of how bad she felt for what she has done. She said to me she realized i have NEVER lied to her, never cheated, never been anything more than supportive, caring, loving and there for her whenever she needed me, but she didnt do the same for me and she knows it. She told me how much i mean to her and so on. As i sat there and listened to it, i felt my heart wanting to forgive her but my mind saying dont be an idiot, she cheated on you, there is nothing more to discuss. She said she will do ANYTHING it takes to get me back, she will visit me everyday, cook for me, call and kiss me, etc etc. I wanted to believe it all and say ok we'll work it out in time but i just couldnt. We talked for 3 hours so obviously there was a lot more to all that but thats the major points of it all.

 

I come home and tell my parents what i just learned and they said, you messed up by not giving her any attention and she messed up ( worse of course) by doing what she did and lying. But in reality, she did not sleep with him, didnt make out, etc, just a kiss and she knows it was wrong. Whats more important that she came out and admitted it you you instead of continuing to hide it. She realizes now just how bad she messed up because she is crying so much over you and knows she needs you back because you are her true love. Part of me wants to believe that because my heart wants her more than anything but my head wants to believe there is more i dont know about and she will only do this to me again if i forgive her now. Im beyond a loss for words and understanding to all this. Some people say she has got her punishment and realized what it means and she wont do it again from this experience. Others say once a cheater/ liar always will be and dont think of taking her back because she will hurt you again. My folks said to try one day just pretend nothing happened and see how she acts around you. If she is still remorseful she knows she was wrong, if she acts like she used to before this happened, then none of this is really crossing her mind enough to care about "making it up to me" by being more caring, loving, etc etc and it was just more excuses and apologies. I really want to give it a try but know there are still things i want to know and almost positive i will ask her if i see her about what she has said because i WANT to know and have everythng sqaured away instead of guessing and guessing.

 

I feel like if i just forgive her now she will see i can forgive her easily and she might eventually feel she can get away with this again in the future and so i should have at least a week or 2 of NC to get myself thinking straight hopefully.At the same time more time apart might lead to somethng else. I am extremely confused and dont know what to do, the mind and heart will never agree with me so no matter what deciscion i make either my mind or heart will still be hurt.

 

Continuation...

 

We talked on the phone monday night and seemed like we got some tension off between us. She answered all my questions and seemed like we both felt better. Tuesday she called and said she texted the guy and told him she can no longer see or talk to him and even deactivated her FB account to avoid him and all his friends. So at least she is taking steps in the right direction. We make plans to see eachother wednesday and friday and hang out, see where things go.

 

Today we decided to meet up and just have a "normal" day and see where things go. She came to my house at 10am and right away i got ready and we left. Went for a very nice long drive in the backroads. Went to the beach, discovered a nice small town together. Seemed to just kind of bond a bit like old times. There was definitely still a tension felt though. We left the beach and drove to the city to continue the day. Went to a museum, got food, etc. She had to leave by 5pm to go pick her mom up from work. So we leave the city and on the way back i just cant help it. She didnt try to kiss me, didnt try to hold hands, nothing. Just felt wrong inside. As we are getting closer to my house i finally ask. "how did you feel about today?". "She said i had a lot of fun, it was nice". I then said, "i meant more about how do you feel about us today?" She said, "i know there is still tension between us and i know i want to be with you, i love you but i feel im not ready yet. I know ive hurt you extremely bad, beyond terrible and im afraid of hurting you again. Im afriad i cant trust myself even." I was beyond shocked. First she was begging and pleading, i somehow find it in my heart to forgive her and risk being hurt again and now shes not ready??? We get to my house, she gets her things out of my car and gets ready to go to her car. I am literally about to break into tears. We hug it out and she starts to cry and so do i because of it. She tells me again, " i know i have feelings for you, but i just dont know that im ready to commit myself to this relationship again like i should. I just think i need some time." Again, i was just shocked beyond words. We kissed and both started crying even more because of how long its been and she starts to walk to her car. She gets in and i see her break down and cry even harder. I stood outside my garage looking at her not knowing what to do. She cried for a few mins, started the car and drove away. I closed the door came upstairs and am now lost, to say the least.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me! i dont know what to do. I cant let her just leave. I love her to death it hurts sooo much even thinking about this now. I dont know where to turn anymore, i feel so helpless

[AutumnBorn]

Maybe it's because I'm probably old enough to be your mother, but I agree with your parents. What was the big deal? (Seriously, my ex wanted to watch me have sex with other men, so maybe a kiss, holding hands, seeing a movie with someone seems trivial to me. Maybe I'm the wrong person to respond.)

 

It's really difficult to be honest with someone who reacts so strongly when you tell them what's happened or what's going on. It's as if we expect perfection from others and NOBODY is perfect 100% of the time. How could she believe that she'd ever be forgiven for being honest about being human, making mistakes again? She's admitted what she'd done and look at the good it did. Her not trusting herself means she doesn't want to cause you any of the pain she caused you before...but what if it happens? She'd either have to carry the lie with her and hide it well or risk hurting you again and ripping your heart out. She is flawed. We all are.

 

Can the two of you date without being in a "relationship"? Can you just enjoy each other's company? Love doesn't mean laying claim on somebody or being part of a couple. It means cherishing that individual, accepting them, warts and all. It's so easy when you think about it. Yes, it opens us up to pain when the feelings aren't returned in kind, when they let us down as she did you, but it's also a commitment to work things out, not saying "it's over" because of the little bumps along the way.

 

I honestly don't even think infidelity is a deal breaker in a relationship. My ex cheated. In the long run, it didn't actually matter. What ruined us were the lies and the insults that followed.

 

It wasn't sex. It's not that she's lost her feelings for you. It seems she simply didn't feel valued and honored. It sounds like the two of you could work this out, but does it have to be in the confines of a committed relationship?

 

And why on Earth would you talk to her father about it? Her relationship with you is none of his business...I don't care if he's a friend of yours, he's her father. Leave him out of it.

[LP90]

Well like i said, i went into all this wanting to forgive her and move on. I wasnt stuck on the fact she did it. I know no one is perfect and i am willing to admit it. I just dont get how she begged and pleaded to be back together, i say ok im ready to move on and now she needs time to think about it? I realized where i went wrong and i am willing to change just as it seems she has. I just dont understand everything she is telling me because it keeps changing. I told her if she does not want to be together or has changed her feelings its best we move on, but she says she isnt ready to move on, she wasnt to be with me, but at the same time not right now? So what am i supposed to think? We are single or apart? Do we see other people or do i wait for something?

 

As far as talking to her father goes, i am close to her family, spent a lot of time at her house, worked with her dad many many times. We always talked about everything in the open. So he offerd to call and talk just to give me advice/ perspectives on the things that have been going on. Not neccessarily to talk specifically about what she has done. Ive been feeling really lonely without her so whenever the chance to talk comes up i find myself always taking it in hopes of feeling better.

 

My parents keep telling me, if its meant to happen and be together it will happen but you cant push it, gotta let time take its course. But if i keep talking to her, seeing her every now and then and things like this happen we cant work things out. So im starting to feel like maybe NC for some time might be beneficial. I just know neither i nor she will be strong enough to maintain 100% NC.

[AutumnBorn]

Relax. You can do whatever you like. Unfortunately, if you want it to be a relationship with her, you've got to have her cooperation. Right now she's in a bad spot. That's why I propose turning things down a bit and dating as opposed to it being 100% committed or having no relationship at all. There's a middle ground here.

 

The beauty of dating is you can date her and not date others if you don't want to or can if you do.

 

It doesn't matter how close you are to her family, it's her family. You can call her dad your friend, but in the end, he's her father. Be careful when you talk with him. You want to stay on his good side and don't say anything to him you wouldn't want getting back to her. The more people you pull into the mess, the more of a mess it could become. I'm just sayin'.

[LP90]

I completely understand that. And so far only she got yelled at and her father is extremely dissapointed with her after he found out what happened. He told me he completely understands my position and still respects me the same as he always has and always will. He told me, they told her many times that if there are any doubts or feelings are different to break up with me before moving on, not to play games behind someone's back. So her parents are unhappy with her actions and its very clear. And again, my intentions werent to make her feel worse or cause any problems at home. Just trying to find out whats going on and see what i can/should do about it. Plus it was a one time thing, so not like i kept telling him anything more.

 

Fathers aside though, i feel like even though you are suggesting just "dating", its going to be very difficult. Its like being friends with an ex. You just know eachother far too well, to have it be casual. I know when she wants something or is thinking something. Itll be like avoiding the obvious. If we end up kissing or holding hands, hugging or whatever it may be. Those feelings from the "good times" will surface and remind us both of what it was or should be, but currently isnt. I almost feel like trying NC for a week or two MIGHT be helpful. To kind of help us both gather our thoughts and feelings because we are both an emotional mess right now. Its just super weird now because the 10th of this month was going to be our 2 year anniversary. Do i say something? what if she says something? Do i reply? What do i reply with? I dont want her thinking that i wont talk to her because i dont like her either though. I dont want her getting the impression i gave up or dont care. Do we just casually talk but just not see eachother for now? Or do i HAVE to stay NC and see what happens?

[LP90]

A bit of an update and hopes of getting some more thoughts on my entire situation...

 

So after the garage scene, we didnt talk and i didnt plan on calling or texting unless she did so first, so i wasnt invading her "time to think". I called my friends up and immediately they came over and took me out. We were hanging out all night and at 10pm, she finally texted me out of the blue saying "good night". At that point i said something i know i wanted to say but at the same time kind of regret now. I replied by saying, "good night, i love you. take the time u need, i support you in your deciscion. im not mad at you, just been an emotional day for us both. thanks for a nice day though." She then replied by saying, "that means a lot to hear from you. i really think we can work this relationship out, i just want to know i wont mess up again. i had a good day too even though there was tension. i miss doing the things we did today and i love you with all my heart." I then said "just know i wont keep a grudge, you dont have to hide anything to cover guilt. if you want to say something, come to me saying it with an open heart and ill will be there to hear you out as always. if you need time right now i will respect that." To which she replied, "okay. i wont disappear. ill check in here and there." that was the end of our talk.

 

Today she decided to text me again just saying hi, what im up to, how im doing, etc etc. I decided to try being nonchalent for once, after reading some motivational threas on the subject. Seemed like it worked because i would only reply to her questions or comments but not bring up anymore myself and not to give off the impression im so deeply concerned. Just make it seem like im having a nice day doing what i want without her. She for once started to reply to me more than i did to her, so perhaps it is working and i need to enforce nonchalence much more.

 

Im beginning to feel a little bit better about all this but definitely still catch myself thinking too much about the things she says or does and start analyzing them till im satisfied to an extent. Im really not sure what exactly i want now, just hoping somebody could chime in with some more thoughts. Maybe about what either she or i said. About nonchalence and how to approach it at this stage in the relationship, anything really.

[ferna3069]

well my advice.first off its normal the way you acted. you where hurt and she cheated. if she didnt feel like you where there enough for her then she should of said something not go out with some random stranger. it sounds like there is lack of comunication between you. and about getting the parents involved never good because of course they side with there kids . just talking for experience. what i would suggest at this time is relationship caunsoling. tell her that you want to work it out and suggest her caunseling.its a good thing that she can admit her mistakes.shes taking the right steps.after you talk to her stay no contact until she decides she wants to be with you or trust me its going to hurt more if you let her string you along

[LP90]

Well thats actually where all the confusion lies right now. She too keeps saying she wants to be with me, she loves me, she knows she messed up. We both admitted our faults and mistakes and i thought we would be able to move on now. Instead she keep saying she needs time to think about it all. I just dont understand what there is left to think about if we already admitted everything that happened. Unless its like what you are saying. She is stringing me along because she is afraid to let go. Im only replying to her if/when she contacts me. I dont call or text her myself. I just dont want her dragging this on if she already knows what she wants, good or bad. I suppose i just want to know whether or not to do full NC and start healing or wait for her because she truly does want to work this out. Obviously i cant pressure her into this deciscion, it has to be something she wants. I guess ill keep waiting then, what more can i do?

[VictorVic]

How old are you guys? I'm guessing teens?

 

It sounds like a very tough situation. I feel for you that she hurt you the way she did. If it was just a kiss, its not the worst thing ever. When I was younger and after dating my first gf for a year or so, I went to the movies with another girl. Its called being immature. Your best bet has to be nc or lc. Like you already saw, keep your answers short and let her know you are enjoying life without her. Everyone wants what they cant have. All I have to do is look in the mirror to realize that,

[LP90]

im 21 she is 18. And thats what ive been trying to do, to at least say everything is good, im having fun etc. I just dont want to put on this image of having fun without her, so she can get what she cant have, then we get back together and she knows she can have it again. I definitely am going to enfore nonchalence now though in my overall life because that too has been an issue in the past. I guess what im trying to say is i dont want to put on any false images or ideas just to get her back if thats not what she wants back.

[LP90]

Well its finally all over. I made the bold move and decided im tired of waiting and promises and excuses. I texted her saying we need to talk asap. She called me and i told her: "You made a mistake, you acknowledged it and im willing to work passed it. You said you will do whatever it takes to move it along. So far you have made no effort at all. You dont call still and you text at night sometimes. You have had plenty of time to think about everything there is to think about and im honestly tired of waiting. Im almost positive i know what deciscion you have made or are more leaning towards so i just want to hear it from you now. You knew we were both off today and you said youll be sad im not there with you but made no attempt to offer to meet up or anything. If there are any doubts or thoughts about whether its me or him then its extremely simple. Its him. It should be obvious if you REALLY love a person you stick to them without having to think about it. If there are second thoughts it is clear the feelings are not the same and its time to move on. There is nothing to discuss and think about anymore. You either want to be with me or you dont. I can no longer be a crutch for you to hang onto while you figure things out. I have a life i need to take care of as well. I cant sit around waiting day after day for you to think about anything more. Tell me right now, without thinking about anything if you want to be with me right now or not. Its literally that simple. I need to move on from this right now. If its over, then i understand and thats what it will be."

 

She got silent and the answer became obvious. She said im right, and that she realizes she really isnt ready to move on in the relationship. We talked for a few minutes. She asked if we can still talk and i told NC is extremely important for us both and better that we no longer contact eachother any more. I wished her luck in school, work and where ever her ambitions take her. She said thanks, i wish you the same. I then said, thanks for our time together, and maybe we will one day speak again in the future, till then good bye. She said, good bye, i love you. And we hung up the phone.

 

I am beyond destroyed now knowing its really really over and there is no more "us". Im beyond crushed and feel extremely depressed now. I dont know what i will do with myself now...

[ferna3069]

things to do. delete her phone number of your phone. if you have to write it down on a peace of paper and put it some where. delete all the pictures of you and her or put them in a flashdrive. get everything she ever gave u including pictures and put it all in a box.store everything away that reminds you of her on a place u dont usualy look.after that hang out with friends and family. do not drink. it will only hurt more at the end. eat the full meals a day. and whne you need to vent come on here and vent. we are all here for you. whenever you feel down and you feel like u need to talk to some one just go ahead and come. if you want to message me right now or later to vent go ahead im here for u man

[LP90]

Thanks, i really appreciate the support! everything has been taken down and deleted already because ive been reading what its going to take to move on and im already implementing it all. All contacts have been completely erased. All pics gone, everything gone. Was really painful to do though because it brought back so many good memories. I went for a 2.5 hour walk with my father and he gave me SO much insight on everything. Life, love, friends, betrayal, lessons etc. I honestly became calm for once, felt relieved to talk to someone for so long and with so much experience.

 

I know this is going to be a very long and difficult journey for me. I realize most, if not all, people go through this at one point in life or another, so im not unique in that sense. I know for me the most difficult part now will be not thinking about everything we had. All the good memories. That will for sure be the hardest part for me because nearly every thing i do or look at reminds me of her somehow. At this moment i dont feel like i want to do a thing in my life, im just so down. I really need to start finding ways to occupy myself and get back into the routine of life i was in before any of this happened. In all honesty id be happy to talk to anyone right now, just to kind of get some inspirations and words of comfort.

 

Again, thanks to everyone on this forum for your support. I appreciate it and only look forward to whats to come from here on.

[CrapAtNC]

Hi, LP90.

 

First of all, let me tell you that you've had some outstanding advice on here already. The thing is, though, what good is advice if you're going to just do what you feel is right? I'm going to be direct with you: you pushed her away. She did something wrong, but it's a result of how you behave around her. You're needy. You don't stick to your word. You're manipulative. And you're not understanding. Also, of course, you didn't give her enough attention.

 

Now here's the good news: you made her leave, which means you can make her come back. But if you want control, you have to forget about playing the victim. She's also a victim, so immediately stop thinking and acting like she owes you something or you deserve something from her. You didn't give her attention, which is what she really wanted; whatever we don't give attention to (in dogs or people), we will discourage. But what did you give all the attention to? Her leaving. She finally got a reaction from you, and the dynamics immediately changed. It used to be her having to chase you; now she's enjoying seeing the shoe on the other foot.

 

You demonstrated nonchalance and it worked. Then you were anything but nonchalant, and the relationship deteriorated. Hope you've learned the lesson there.

 

So, what's the best course of action for getting her back (of that's possible)? Here's my advice:

 

1. If you say you're going to do something, do it. You've told her no contact, so do it. She'll be thinking you won't be able to manage it; surprise behaviour is alluring, so really seem to move on.

2. Take a look at your posts and yourself and recent events and ask yourself where you went wrong. Also try to see everything from her point of view, as a victim instead of the bad girl you have made her out to be.

3. Accept. Accept it's over. Accept she may get a new boyfriend. Accept there's nothing you can do. Picture in your mind the very worst thing that could happen and accept that too. Go over all these things in your head, telling yourself that there's nothing you can do about it and that you just have to accept it and move on. Keep doing it until the knots in your stomach disappear and your shoulders relax. Then you will be at your most attractive as well as in the best state of mind to take control of everything.

4. Make yourself busy doing something good for you or your life—a new hobby, going to the gym, a new skill. Anything. When you find yourself dwelling on your ex, practice your new pastime instead, and use all that emotion constructively.

5. Forget about getting answers from her. You don't need them. You know why: because you didn't pay her attention, and because you over-reacted about the kiss. That was meant to get you jealous, but your response was unattractive and pushed her away. You need nothing. Need to know nothing.

6. Tell yourself you want her, would like to be with her again, but don't need that. You will be perfectly fine and happy no matter what happens. Your happiness does not depend on her.

7. Date. Just friendly dates for now, but feel free to have some innocent–naughty fun if you like (things like dancing, skinny-dipping, flirting, sexting). Date anyone and everyone, because the ones you don't find attractive are actually the best ones for giving you practice (incredibly, it always seems to be being seen with the less-attractive ones that make the exes come running back—I have no idea why).

8. Read relationship books. Read attraction books.

9. Realise that you are both young and this may not be the love-of-your-life thing you think it is. I've been madly in love with all my exes, and thought all could never be replaces, and yet always they just get better and better. ;-) It really is unlikely that she will be the one you spend the rest of your life with, simply because you're both growing and changing. It's not you. It's really not. Also, she may be like many others and just want to experience a few more guys before she goes giving herself to one forever. To be honest, you really do want them to get that out of the way sooner rather than later.

10. Really, really get the hang of nonchalance. Stop trying. Need nothing. Never try to impress. Be laid back and happy in yourself. Don't put pressure on others to supply your happiness. Be happy to walk away from anyone and everyone and you will be more attractive than most of your buddies.

11. Appreciate this as something that will make you a better person. It's a gift, because it will change you. It will most likely bring you someone even beter for you if you learn from what's happened.

12. Stop blaming her or anybody else.

 

That's all for now. I'm in a bit of a rush. You have a chance, but it's fine if it doesn't work out. You will be fine. We always are.

 

All the best to you, mate.

 

 

Crap