So I think I've become what I never wanted to be.

[Philabonia]

So its been a year since my fiance left me. I buried a lot of stuff deep under the busy routine of grad school, and have only recently dealt with a lot of the things I was feeling months ago. There were a few nights this week I felt like everything was coming back around again, but for the most part, I had forgotten so much about us that I only remembered how she made me feel during the good times. There was the tinge of pain to be sure, but I'm not mad at her like I once was; I realize now that there were things I needed to learn, and she was part of the process of me growing up. I pushed her away inadvertently, and that is a fault of my own I freely accept. You cant change the past, only learn from it. I'll continue to love her in the moments that I choose to cherish, and that is enough.

 

Yet now, I feel like I've sort of lost my "innocence," per se. After spending some time out and on vacation, I feel like I've become the type of guy I used to despise. Emotionally vacant, fairly cocky and chauvinistic, I am kind of ashamed of who I have become because of everything that's happened. Yet, despite my misgivings about my character as of late, I've never had so much female attention in my life. After 7 years of monogamy, I decided to spend this past year as a single adult. The first few months were kind of crazy, but I settled into a routine, and tried to better myself. But as soon as school ended, I felt like this weight had been lifted, and I sort of transformed. When I look in the mirror now, I see a failed attempt to better oneself after a massive, life-altering heartbreak. Nonetheless, I am having a ball, and women seem to enjoy my company like never before. I have chosen to not even think of having another relationship anytime soon, and instead spend the summer in Europe.

 

For all of this, though, I am sad to see that women have only enjoyed my company when I treat them like hell, and did not appreciate the person I tried to be for most of this past year. Though I am choosing to be single mainly because it feels good, it is also partly because I am disgusted by how responsive women are to the absolute wrong things for them (me, right now). Who knows where I'll be mentally at the end of the summer, but as for right now, I am going to turn on autopilot, and just cruise through the next few months.

 

Still, part of me wants to reach out to the ex so bad - kind of feel like she's the only part of me I can remember respecting, when times were good. But she is happy, and I am not about to kick a dead horse. So Europe, here I come.

[844]

I think I went through the flip side where I didnt have a lot to fill my time after the break up and I did go through all that pain up front. I won't say it's necessarily better the way it happened to me. I'm kind of glad it wasn't acting as a distraction to something important though. I think rather than becoming something despicable you just now understand the guys that you used to despise better and that isn't a loss. That isn't to say you have to be something you don't want to be. If there are certain aspects of yourself you don't like change them, and just accept the part of you that you consider wiser from the experience.

[Eocsor]

Dude, you lost your fiance. it's natural to be angry and confused about the way you feel towards women. Takes more than a year to totally clear your system after a significant relationship ends. Hang in, you will start to totally forget the ex in another year or so.

[myheadvsheart]

Philadelphia...*sigh*

[AutumnBorn]

Some women enjoy a challenge. Don't feel bad for them. You're just there at the right time.

 

How long will this phase last, and what do you think will come after? What are your plans when you return from your European tour?

[Lea5251025]

I've somehow changed since my ex left, and the BU has just happened a few months ago. He used me then dumped me. I'm extremely disappointed at my ex and me myself. I'm now colder inside than ever, feel like I would do anything to get what I want if chances given. Love is no longer on the top of my list.

[biggestdork]

I dont think I like who Ive become either - an arrogant, selfish, evil being.

 

At least I notice, I guess.

[Philabonia]

How long will this phase last, and what do you think will come after? What are your plans when you return from your European tour?

 

I'm not sure; I'm doing a lot of traveling right now - one of the new girls rented a house for her and I at the beach for this coming week. It's crazy, no one has ever done the things for me that women are doing now, when I am an arrogant and ungrateful person. Let me make it clear, though - I have not chosen to be like this, exactly; its not like I make a conscious effort to be such a way. Its simply that how I react to situations and people in general is much different now, than when I was with my ex, and for most of the last year. Whereas I used to be considerate, and fret over how my actions affected others, I now just speak my mind and do whatever I want without real consideration. I'm honestly just usually too nonchalant and disengaged to care, and I assume the worst of the women I meet, so I treat them with little respect (once again, these are things I notice when I do some introspection--no one tells me).

 

I don't want to be like this forever, but then again, I've never had so much fun. It's nice to not care so much, because you don't feel all of the pain. For years, I cared so deeply, and was hurt by the people I cared for the most. Yeah, I messed things up too, but I took my inadequacies hard. Now, its hard to mess up when you don't try to make things right.

 

Definitely an internal battle, where what you know what is right dukes it out with the realities of society around us. Selfishly, though, I must exclaim "free beach house!"

[Silverbirch]

Well Phil, I think that the women who will be "attracted to you" while you are like this will not seem "attractive to you" for very long. They will bore you. I could be wrong, but I get more than a hint that you are a person who would be happier with women who you could respect who had stronger boundaries. It's quality not quantity that should count I think.

[Philabonia]

Definitely true, Silver - quality over quantity any day. I'm really not attracted to them even now, because of what they are attracted to in me, but it beats the loneliness I felt this past year. And, for once, I have the power - it feels good to not be so emotionally attached that I could have a fall like with my fiance. That's a hell I'm not sure I could go through again so soon.

[Glowguy]

Dude, it sounds like you've made a breakthrough. I would stick with what's working.

[Formula]

Definitely true, Silver - quality over quantity any day. I'm really not attracted to them even now, because of what they are attracted to in me, but it beats the loneliness I felt this past year. And, for once, I have the power - it feels good to not be so emotionally attached that I could have a fall like with my fiance. That's a hell I'm not sure I could go through again so soon.

That's a hell im going through myself right now. The quicker it's over the better but that won't be anytime soon. To be honest i really get where you are coming from.

I think it's a defense mechanism aswell to be less emotionally attached to another woman/gf whatever after going through a bad breakup or heartbreak.

[twitchyfingers]

Could it be a case of the pendulum swinging to the far side, temporarily, but you'll eventually settle upon middle ground at some point?

 

Maybe your boundaries were a little too loosey-goosey before, and you needed to redraw some lines to not be quite as sensitive/affected by others' reactions. Maybe you've swung a bit further than feels right, in terms of integrity and respect, but you can always modify your behavior.

 

Just some musings...