poem for a contest, need help plz

[dpressedone89]

ok i need honest oppinions, how can i improve this? and can someone suggest a title?im entering this in a contest so i want to know what you all think and if you have any suggestions?

 

The tears on the floor

come from the pain in my eyes

i dare not lie to hide it

for it is too consuming to disguise

 

the reason is still unknown

but the pain still exists

so i bury my head in my arms

as i slowly fall back and gash both wrists

 

and i grin for once in a long while

as i empty myself onto the floor

my heart is cold and black

but this pain i shall feel nevermore

-sTiTchEs aka The Antihero

[i_hate_the_world47]

I think its a great poem.I dont think any of us can give it a naem.You should give it a name since its yours and yu understand it the most.Good luck.

 

~Meagan~

[dpressedone89]

hmmm not alot of replies, o well, Thank you Meagan, any more advice anyone?

[ComputerGuy]

ok i need honest oppinions, how can i improve this? and can someone suggest a title?im entering this in a contest so i want to know what you all think and if you have any suggestions?

 

The tears on the floor

come from the pain in my eyes

i dare not lie to hide it

for it is too consuming to disguise

 

the reason is still unknown

but the pain still exists

so i bury my head in my arms

as i slowly fall back and gash both wrists

 

and i grin for once in a long while

as i empty myself onto the floor

my heart is cold and black

but this pain i shall feel nevermore

-sTiTchEs aka The Antihero

 

Personally I would word it a little different to keep the rythm. The changes I would make are:

 

for it is too consuming to disguise - It's too consuming to disguise

 

but the pain still exists - Yet the pain it still exists

 

so I bury my head in my arms - so i bury my head into my arms

 

as i slowly fall back and gash both wrists - I slowly lean back and gash both wrists

 

as i empty myself onto the floor - as i empty myself on the floor

 

my heart is cold and black - my heart is cold and my heart is black

 

These are the changes I would make personally, and as for the name, that is up to you.

[writergurl]

Hi there! This is the first poem I have read of yours but I think it show a lot of potential. To be honest, most of the best poems are not so great in their first drafts. this is a good poem, but I think it could be better. You show a real talent for writing and I feel your emotions from reading the poem. That is excellent! I won't really edit, per se, i will just write in the comments I felt when reading your poem.

 

"The tears on the floor

come from the pain in my eyes (were your eyes actually hurting?)

i dare not lie to hide it

for it is too consuming to disguise

 

the reason is still unknown

but the pain still exists (what does the pain feel like, describe the pain, make me feel the pain by reading your words.)

so i bury my head in my arms

as i slowly fall back and gash both wrists (I think just saying gash wrists is too vague. maybe add another stanza and describe the blood dripping or the cold blade touching your skin or something. Use more adjectives.)

 

and i grin for once in a long while (do you mean you grin for the first time in a long time or that you grin for a long period of time?)

as i empty myself onto the floor (I like this line a lot)

my heart is cold and black

but this pain i shall feel nevermore "

 

Also, don't capitalize the first letter if you are not going to use caps anywhere else in the poem. That makes it look like one big, long sentence. Either use correct punctuation or don't use any at all. Overall I really like it. Try not to force the rhyme. In fact, it's okay if your poems don't rhyme. It's good but I think there is so much more you want to say that's not quite coming through. I would love to see more!

 

Thanks for letting me give my 2 cents.