It's a strange world but there must be a way

[quirky]

Naively I thought he'd contact me by now. That's one good sign of remembering to keep my expectations at bay. It's sad I even want something from him. I have to kinda forget the contact and get on with my life as if it didn't happen. I really thought he'd text/call today

 

Essay is getting there and it was ok with my client. I have to be more aware of time boundaries though. It's hard to stop people from talking.

 

Not great with my diet the last 2 days.

[quirky]

My course has been a headf*ck the past 3 days. I am very tired emotionally. From that and contact with S. I was affected by the teacher's comment. I talked with L about my expectations and I really don't know how to lower them for now but something to think about.

 

First day at the job was good, really good charity. Let's see how it pans out. Very very concerned about money..

 

I don't want to think of my course for a few days. Also, I am starved culturally. I need to see a performance, I need to feed my intellect so badly.

[quirky]

Been extremely busy, 7 day of work today and I have 5 more before a day off. I haven't had a chance to catch up with myself or my emotions and feel really low as a result. I missed my lesson tomorrow so I could have 2 hours to cook and cry. I feel so alone...I don't know exactly now, maybe because of the festive season. I go to work, come back, have 2 hrs, sleep and then the same again. I am really not used to this. Being in a new job makes me insecure and paranoid, there is lots to learn and new people to interact, I find myself feeling more stressed or dreaming of the new job. I have been back at B this weekend as I had committed to shifts before I got the other job.

 

B feels like home and so much easier, it's warm, I am sat down, I know the place. But it is weird here too, I feel paranoid about what they are thinking, where I have been. I think they don't like how I never officially left or came back. Not that I am the first one that has done that but it really has been ambivalent, it's unlike me, haven't been sure at all what to do with that 0 hr contract. So maybe I feel a bit bad because I haven't been clear to them apart from the lady that does the shifts, I have only spoken to her. I find myself wanting to tell them all the great things I have done but there's no time, they are busy and want to get on with it. B does feel comfortable and easy and I love the customers here.

 

I missed my lesson so I can see my client yesterday too as I need the money and he told me how much better he's been feeling. I was so down yesterday morning and that truly lifted my spirits. He seemed more centred and relaxed. He wants to continue with our sessions. I love LC, it's definitely what I want to be doing. I seem to intuitively get it and even at sessions where I am nervous my intuition guides me and I turn it around. I want to put my advert out and I will after the 24th, I will put it everywhere because I want more clients.

 

I noticed that career is something all clients have been concerned about so I bought a book to read, see if it's good and maybe recommend it or get tips on how to advise them.

 

My hair smells which I like and it also looks better when it's a bit dirty but I have to wash it tonight.

 

Online dating has been so disappointing. I actually don't think I am in the right frame of mind for it the past 10 days as I feel very alone and it's not a good place to start. But I try to see it as killing time and having a date or two since my best friends are now with their partners and some company is nice. R was an interesting guy, how I wish he didn't have a son. I will see him again Monday but I think it might be best for me to withdraw. That other guy is so hot but only 30 and seems more casual about things.

 

I have noticed I am after a lot of reassurance lately..I hate that feeling..of need or expectation. Really sucks. And I don't know what to do about it really. I talked a little bit to A and a bit to my mum but the void doesn't go. I'd liek to write some music, finish a song, it's been so long. Contact with S messed me up royally. Like really.bad. I have now decided to stay out of contact for a year but this time if he contacts me I will lay it all on the table and tell him why because I don't care anymore with this buullsh*t pretence, I have nothing to lose, all is lost as it is and I just want to care about myself not how I look to him. I blocked him again but still checked his fb from CE. Something is very twisted regarding my feelings towards him..I just can't fully get to it. I wish I could but every insightful thought I have lasts for a while, and I think I am healed and ready to love and then I talk to him and that's it, feeling 10 time rejected all over again. Why can't I just see it's not supposed to be, why can't I accept it?

 

Tonight I have to write 600 words when I get back from work, ugh.

[quirky]

I always wondered about people that work a lot and now I wonder even more. I feel suffocated and out of touch with myself. When I work I work well and I am respectful that someone has given me a job and is paying me to do it. I don't feel like a lazy person at all. I've always had a better work ethic than most. But working anything more than 37 hrs a week even in my ideal job sounds so stressful to me. When do you get the time to do anything, to catch up with yourself? How can some people work 50-60 hrs a week? I would be crying for no reason if I did this. I do feel slightly bad because maybe I am more emotiononal than most people but this is why I want to be self employed so that noone decides for me what I am gonna do and for how long. I have done 50 hrs this week excluding breaks and I have to really push my feelings to the side so I can keep going. How do others cope with this, I don't understand.

[itsallgrand]

^I've been doing a lot of thinking about this myself, lately.

My work ethic is strong. And sometimes I find myself falling into the trap of over working. My feelings do get pushed aside in the process. No one is forcing this on me. It's my choice. Work, I think, can be another form of escapism sometimes.

 

And it's something I am tired of doing. I do end up getting very emotional ; pent up. To the point where I'll 'break' a little bit when I do it too much without giving myself a break from it. There isn't enough time for the other things that are important in my life. And then...I am ok for a while, and then repeat the cycle.

 

I think for me part of it is work became an escape when going through some rough times. And then it became a habit.

Another part is some influence of my upbringing. I remember having hurt my shoulder years back at work, and I needed physiotherapy and the doc told me to take time off. I was doped up on pills (and I'm sensitive to pills to begin with). A real wrech, and in pain.

 

I showed up for work the next morning anyways. And my family approved of this. I got brownie points for it. But ...why?? My shoulder is still messed up because I never allowed it to properly heal. I was working with that shoulder lifting people while it was messed up, and screwed it up for life now. I did this too after I needed a surgery; and having a virus that caused numbness and dizziness the other winter. I kept going to work anyways.

 

Because what if I was being 'lazy'. I'm not lazy; have a strong work ethic. But sometimes I think it's a little skewed. Too much emphasis put on worrying about other people's wants. Of course they want you there as much as they can.

[quirky]

I'm not lazy; have a strong work ethic. But sometimes I think it's a little skewed.

 

It's very interesting what you wrote above. I have noticed that with a lot of people, my mum being one of them, a lot of their worth is defined by their work, how well they work, how much, what they offer, what money they make. Work being linked to worth. One thing having good work ethic and another being compulsive about it. Sometimes my mum stresses so much I don't understand. When I am employed by someone else I can get that stressed too but my freelance stuff I am totally chilled. For men in particular work is very much related to confidence and competence.

 

I remember working with one of my best friends and we wouldn't drink water so we don't need the loo so we don't leave the shop floor and anyone thinking where are they. I mean, this is crazy. We have excellent references and a few issues too..lol

I feel much more relaxed nowadays and hate being in a new job because of that need to make a good impression, I really dislike having to prove myself nowadays..

 

When I work too much I don't really forget my problems, they kinda get worse

[quirky]

That guy said about my music...'it shows you have confidence to write like that'. I am troubled, it's not confidence. Unless you call confidence that most people will dislike my music yet I still write it. I guess for some it is confidence. Having the courage of my convictions. Never had a problem with that because I always thought I knew better. Interesting how I still think that sometimes. Read that chapter about control on Co-Dependent no more and it really touched me. Thinking we know what others need..hmm..familiar. Holding on to things, need for safety.

 

 

When that other guy asked me 'that streak of control..is it confidence or survival instinct?'

I froze. I told him survival instinct but couldn't look at him any more and slowly closed off. I tried to sleep but felt severely anxious, a feeling not familiar to me. I got up and went to the kitchen leaving him to sleep while I wanted to kick him out. In my course the teacher talked about defence mechanisms and how you shouldn't try and break people's defences down because that's what has kept them safe and functioning. That is what this guy did. And I pulled away big deal. I tried to be brave and practice my new found strength so later I told him that him picking up on that made me feel vulnerable. He didn't question it and I decided not see him again. I'll get paro around him.

 

I am still feeling very vulnerable and needing reassurance and hugs. That contact with S somehow shocked me and disturbed me. Things have a different colour. I look insane to him. He will neer understand. And the healing for me comes when I see how others seem to appreciate me. I don't have this communication problems with anyone else. But I also don't feel as hurt by anyone else. I really resent him deep down. The most shocking of revealaions came when my classmate in one of our sessions, asked me to describe to her S's traits. I said he is funny and quirky and playful and sensitive and troubled. She asked for deeper things, his inner world. I couldn't say he is generous, kind, compassionate, reliable. The traits ALL my friends have and I strictly look for in new people. He is nice of course but not kind the way I understand kind. Not compassionate the way I understand compassionate. Definitely not reliable. So it made me wonder..what was going on there for me..?

 

 

I don't know what to do about the job. I don't particularly enjoy it..

 

Really want to be creative again. Can't believe I still have that cold for heaven's sake.

[quirky]

I came accross this poem some months back..it really touched me

 

Leela, its been roaring and raining again lately.

Everytime I get depressed, raindrops start to fall

Lightening strikes and the wind begins to howl.

I am extremely volatile now, Leela

Are you listening to me?

I can’t take the pain of dark memories anymore

It’s been haunting me

And leaving my mind, body and soul sore.

I am having extreme difficulty in sleeping again – Leela

Been looking for some outlet for my sensations.

Cause I want to stay sane.

I realise that maybe

All I need right now is a friend like you, Leela.

To heal the hurt.

To clean the dirt.

Unhappiness: trying to chase away the nightmares

The looming shadow of fears

My unending stream of tears.

I hear screeching and crackling again now, Leela

It’s funny how the outside atmosphere resembles my own

The violence, the madness and the pessimism shows.

Now the sun has set, leaving me to deal with my darkness alone.

Until the next morning, when I hear the ringing of the phone,

And your voice freezes all my demons of fear into stone.

[quirky]

What a mess I've been. Suffocated. So busy. Not looking after myself at all. I have been reminded of my self destructive patterns. Went back a little but not as bad as I used to or could do. But very unbalanced. I know I need to be more centred but have struggled to provide that to myself. Working so much is detrimental to me. I have no time to process anything so I supress it, put it to the side. I don't want to do that to start with but work requires me to. Then I start doing it more and more. Before I know it I am out of touch with myself. I end up seeking reassurance in the wrong places.

 

My experiences with guys have been very strange lately. Neediness. And the results speak for themselves. Wanting someone to correct what S said and did. His contact scarred me. The way things have been left doesn't sit well with me but I don't have the strength at the moment to do anything about it. The last 2-3 weeks since his contact my self esteem has plumented, I question myself...maybe I am not that good, maybe I am not that loving, maybe I am not this top interesting woman..I am too much, I will make a man unhappy, I can't cope with rejection..all that is back. So much so that I have sabotaged most interractions with guys lately. One cancelled last minute. This has never happened before. And another said he is ill and hasn't been communicating much. Never happened before either. And sexy guy of course where things have moved too quickly and our convos are the strangest interractions ever. I must not give those guys a further chance.

 

But I have found myself not caring and just taking whatever. L called it panic and he is absolutely right. That is what I have felt. I felt panic after S texted me that stuff. That maybe I haven't grown and matured as much as I thought. I feel mostly panic since L has been coupled up. This is definitely affecting me. Because he is my family here. And the voice of reason, he is support and unconditional positive regard. He is so much to me. And now he has found someone who is so much to him too. I am happy he is not depressed any more but I do feel a loss. I feel that I miss my rock. I am angry and scared and I don't know what to do with these feelings because I know we are just friends, I know that, there's nothing else. But after my mum, he knows me best. I love him so much and I am scared he is not so available any more. I struggle with things without him. And I miss the things we used to do. Our cynical jokes, the quick pint at the local pub, the coffees during the week...he is still there because he is an amazing friend but he's just not there like before.

 

And while L is with J too, now living together and not going out much..I found myself scared of where my home is. Where is that for me. L mentioned how my british family has been falling apart with G passing away and S leaving. L and L are still here but now with partners, committed and homely. Regarding G..I don't know what happened and why. But I lost a good friend. And a very insightful and funny person. He would be so proud of what I am doing now.

 

But alongside that my british family is changing..new people have entered the circle, S and N. I have come to now love them and this year I suggested we exchange presents and both were up for it. They are true friends now.

 

There are 2 women in my course I feel extremely warm towards. I am so drawn to them and they are to me. They show interest in my life particularly Sa..what a generous person, it truly baffles me. Since the moment I saw her I wanted to run into her arms. I don't know why. And Na said she felt the same with me. They do remind me of some of my other friends. But I also feel a slight attraction to both of them. Possibly because I have just met them. I remember A and the attraction I felt for her was at times unmanagable but once I got to know her more it subsided. Women are so nice and versatile and warm and complex..I like talking to women more than men for sure. Men on the other hand are funny and straight forward which I am too so that works sometimes..but most of them don't have the layers a woman has.

 

I have so many more thoughts but need to sleep. How I miss the things I used to do..

[quirky]

It was so nice being back at home. Speaking my mother tongue, seeing my family and the nephews!! How cute is the little one, so round and cuddly. I spent some time with A though I wish it was more. I love her company, time flew. Dealing with beaurocratic stuff tainted things for sure. My mum is so stressful. I become a smaller version of myself around her. And I don't understand her dynamics sometimes, on one hand being too overpowering and controlling and on another compromising her beliefs and integrity just to be on someone's side and get what she wants. She is so unaware of the things I am really into. I do wish we understood each other more sometimes but I still love her more than anyone in the world. I try to remember that when she pisses me off.

 

Going back home also reminded me the reasons I left. That corruption, how closed minded people are, how nothing works there and it is a luxury to have peace of mind. How backwards people are in regards of personal development, roles of the sexes..I could see it all back then, 13 years ago, when things seemed perfectly fine and all the mess was funny. I could see a dirt I didn't want to live in. And I was difficult and idealistic then. Now it has all come crushing down but noone is laughing, people are dying, losing their businesses and above all their dignity is taken away..fooling them in front of their very eyes and they still vote them. No, I didn't want to live around that.

 

I am glad I left but I faced my own struggles I guess which have set me back in other ways. Lack of network, the biggest one. Not knowing where to turn and what to do in a new country and having noone to guide you. Lacking confidence because of lacking support because of lack of network. I rarely felt warmth and concern and willingness to offer themselves. Perhaps it's the culture. I came back late last night, my heater wasn't in my room. This morning I heard talk, movement as I was tidying up my room. I came out later my heater was there. No hello, welcome back, nothing. Getting on with our lives. It is always hard for me in that area when I come back. I leave a warm, spacious house where I watch telly, cook and chat with a loved one and I return to this distant, co operative flatsharing predicament. I feel the lack of love. I wonder what they feel.

 

I have lots more to write but need to get on with my essay.

[quirky]

I was thinking today about how insecure I am. If I am and how much. I seem to believe I am more than I actually am. And what does insecure mean? I feel secure in many ways. I certainly appear like this, everyone says so.. Definitely do not care about opinions of others, I am socially comfortable even when I am clumsy, I am glad to take initiative if need be, I stand up for myself, go out by myself, try lots of stuff out..I follow my own light. Surely that is strength. When it comes to love though, with friends too, I want attention, support, lots of physical contact, reassurance. I provide all that too. I want someone who seems like they are going to stay. All my friends have that trait, reliability..and introversion too most of them. Insecurity, a wounded heart as well.

 

So I wonder...what is it about very dynamic people that makes me turned off? Probably reminds me of my mum and sister and deep down I worry they will dismiss things that matter to me. I worry they will be too pushy. That is strange coming form an extrovert but around those people I become an introvert because I don't feel understood. Around these people I feel slow and passive. It's how I feel around my mum and sister. But not how I am with everyone else. Interesting that..

 

I also notice I perceive a lot of things as rejection when they're not. Not with strangers. But with people I have spent some time with and a friendship hasn't developed. I also feel rejected when someone talks too much about themselves, it's like I am a wall and don't matter. Makes me feel used...some people not asking questions. I assume they must not be interested in me. I hate how much my flatmate does that so I don't talk to him much now. That would be ok if I didn't feel slightly resentful about it. I do wish I could move. It's not that bad.. I just wish I had someone closer to me in the house. Another foreigner or someone more warm and caring, less 'independent' (I think sometimes that is a code for avoiding effort). I look needy around those people. And I hate it. Because they have a problem with closeness I appear needy. Maybe I am a bit. But not too much. I just like lots of cuddles..lol..

 

I did realise recently how much I understand love through physical contact. It soothes me and calms me down so much. And I realised that someone could be doing lots of nice things for me but if they are not close physically I don't quite realise or feel their love. This is hard for people not as comfortable with touch. That is why I never want them as friends. I always feel rejected around people that don't like much touch. I also feel sad for them...I know, very patronising. They kinda depress me, I assume they don't want to share because they are either scared or unhappy, both off putting to me.I also feel I will always be begging for more contact with these people and I don't want to be in that position. When someone is distant and doesn't like touch it causes a strong reaction in me and I wonder why..

[quirky]

I was thinking of having an unorthodox week online dating-wise and message people, make the first step. Problem is I don't like anyone enough to message them. But I might push myself and do some searches and find some potential matches. The idea is not just to rate them high but message them. Ugh..hate it already.

 

It was great going for a drink with L tonight, so much to discuss I love my friend, he is so cool and interesting and caring, I don't feel weird around him. 4 drinks and 3 cigarettes. Had a really good time.

 

I am seeing L tomorrow and look forward to that as well, haven't seen her in a while

[quirky]

It's been such a difficult time emotionally, since beginning of December but particularly since those texts with S. It really got me down and I haven't been able to rise that same way yet.

 

I have been seeing R again and I don't know what's happening with that. But I have talked to him about S and he said to me that it looks like this whole thing still haunts me and perhaps I need some help. I agree and I have to do it for my course too so I start therapy tomorrow.

 

Reading IAG's journal I realised I have never talked about the abuse. It doesn't seem to affect me sexually so don't wanna scratch it up. But I have never talked about it. The other night I thought about it properly and I never do. I also thought of G, I remembered his face and smile and I cried. I never explored my feelings after his demise. Quite frankly it's as if I have had no feelings.

 

I feel like since that tragic time in Oct 2011 something just really changed in me. Something froze. And I don't know if I have fully recovered. I have done some fantastic things with my life and there has been growth and progress. But emotionally something just froze.

 

I thought I'd stay with S. And not one in a million years did I consider G would die at 32.

 

I have become more humble but I have also become more scared. The possibility of loss holds me back sometimes from beginning something. I often also feel more detached and resigned. I have quite a few moments where things feel futile and I can't see the point. To be a fighter, to be an idealist..some of that went when S left. He was my companion in all that. L was too but he is changing and his talk is very much therapy talk nowadays.

 

So much of what I do is focused on emotions and it's hard work..kinda miss working with ideas. I know what I have to do but not sure I have the urge/motivation because I don't see the reason like I used to. And because of it my mind feels like mash sometimes. Work really gets in the way, I struggle with the lack of time. I need so much more time for myself and to keep healthy emotionally.

[itsallgrand]

Oh wow quirky. Big hugs your way.

 

It's becoming startling to me how much we share. Feels like I could have written whole chunks of that.

 

Got your back all the way.

[quirky]

Thanks IAG.

 

The young person cancelled our session today and I am not surprised. Our first session didn't go well and I felt awful, insecure, paranoid and anxious after that. I am very unsure I can work with young people but want to work under that charity. I feel that when I work with adults I can go deep and they are ready for change. I ask them questions and they expand, they have some self awareness. With young people it's like pulling teeth. I know I pushed him last time. I didn't realise straight away. But when I did I felt really bad about it. I was hoping he'd come along today and we can have a new start but he said he's ill. I find it hard working with someone and ignoring the elephant in the room. But maybe it is something to look at..not confuse the 2 areas of my work, not assuming anyone's needs.

 

The other thing that bothers me about young people is the unreliability. With my adult clients they reply and we arrange sessions. With the young people you chase them up. I can't be bothered doing that. Last minute cancellations piss me off. I do need to prepare more though.

 

It gave me more time to do homework but I have been procrastinating and coming down with a cold.

 

I have felt out of balance for a while now and I am not surprised about the cold. I am not eating healthy, I have been very stressed, not sleeping as much as I used to. I feel quite out of place at home too. The resentment is back. Don't wanna go out in the kitchen, don't wanna make the effort. Can't be bothered to clean the house. Just overall behind with everything really..Hardly talked to my family and friends either.

 

No idea what's going on with R and whether there is transference going on there as he reminds me of S in many ways. He even smells similar and this is very confusing. He keeps telling me he's a differernt person but the dynamics are somewhat similar and this touches on old pain for me.

 

I don't know what to do..he has lots of issues. Which makes me wonder..how can it be that he's been the only one I have connected with after S? What does this say about me..do I want to be the fixer/inspirer again? Am I still trying to heal something? Why am I considering dating long term someone with many difficulties..or is it just that I feel this connection with him and he is funny, sexy and insecure and I feel relaxed with that.

 

I feel like I need 1 week off, really don't know why I need it so much. I can't wait for my course to finish.

[quirky]

My flatmate said today I look deflated. He is right, I can hardly speak properly, hardly express myself or articulate well..my mind feels frazzled. I don't know what's going on but I think it's just being behind with stuff and feeling out of control that does it to me.

 

I have had some dark thoughts lately. I found myself thinking that if I was dead I wouldn't need to try any more. I wouldn't need to feel that I have to improve, to lose weight, to be less sensitive, to have a better accent, to want less love. I thought how sad my loved ones would be but I must be a burden to them too sometimes. Apart from my mum all the others have partners so they'd be ok eventually. When we were talking about existentialism L said he is accepting of death and he would find a way to cope if I was gone.

 

The last days it seems like I can't reconcile my past with my present neither can I look ahead. It's like I am stuck in this hazy anxious dream.

[quirky]

The day was so much easier with the lovely manager. She made everything so much more relaxed..

 

At my break I realised something. I don't like being teased. Saying one thing but messing with me and then say I was teasing you haha. Or when I forgot my keys and my flatmate was telling me to say please to open the door. That made me very angry. And I don't get angry often. I don't even like being teased in sex.

 

I really dislike it. It involves not having control in some sense.

But yeah...In any form it comes as..I don't like being teased.

[quirky]

I feel better today. Finally!

 

I tidied my room, I have washed my clothes the past 2 days, didn't drink much last night, I set up my page online and I will still do a couple more things. It feels great having a day to myself. Simply great. And so good to be constructive. I feel silly now I wasn't doing that before, I was in the abyss and couldn't even do simple stuff.

 

I have been trying to love S again as a person. I have been going back in the memories. I realise that hating him is like hating a part of me. I don't want the same thing to happen as it did with G. He's gone and I can never speak to him again. But S..if I work on it, if I put my ego aside..I can possibly have some contact with him again.

 

I am trying to accept it all.

 

That this didn't work for him any more

How inlove I was

How hurt I ended up

How much I have learnt

How many amazing times we had

How I felt like home with him

That he has moved on further than me

 

I saw a dress he had bought me and I went back to the day when he did..the shop, his joy and mine. Then I tried to remember how it felt, his hand holding mine. His excitable eyes. On the bus I passed by the cafe we had one of our many arguments. His smelly hair. I am trying to reme,ber it all and not dismiss it any more. I cry a lot but I think it's for the better. And when I feel a little stronger I will contact him and let him know we are ok.

 

I wish he had stayed and worked it out. Maybe have some couples therapy or something. I wonder if it would have made any difference though. I was less loving then too. I can see now how my ego got in the way. I am more relaxed and loving now. And if all that sh1t hadn't happened maybe I wouldn't even be here, doing the work I am doing.

 

While trying to love him again I am also thinking of him with someone else. That he is happy and in a relationship. I do this so I remember that we are not together and so that the memories don't confuse me. Good thing is I haven't cyberstalked since that last awful contact and neither feel any desire to.

 

Dating life is very weird at the moment, me and R go back and forth. I agreed to see someone tomorrow but I don't know why since he has 2 kids. I think because he is a Leo and because he sent me a great message. In the name of risk taking and open mindedness I decided to do something different so I messaged a woman. Didn't quite know what to write and she was pretty but I didn't feel anything looking at the pics. I thought if she fancied me maybe I would as I would like to have sex with a woman. Anyway..she never replied..lol

 

This made me see how men might feel. It's interesting how I do these sociological experiements on myself, it keeps my friends entertained if nothing else and me not bored 8)

[quirky]

I am gonna start eating better and going to the gym again as of tomorrow. It's ridiculous how much I learnt but didn't stick to long term. I have been considering doing the Atkins diet but I worry it will be hard to maintain as it is very specific. It was shocking though how slowly I was losing before considering how healthy I was eating so again..not sure I want that either. A few people have mentioned the 5:2 diet where I eat very few calories for 2 days a week and normal/healthy the rest. I don't know but I know I have to do something.

 

I was thinking about associations around my size. I have been size 12-14 UK for many years now and I fluctuate between curvy and slightly overweight. Mostly curvy. And I associate myself with that. But if I want to I can BE a size 8 or a size 18. It's totally up to me. And I wondered how would I look if I was size 10. I can't even imagine myself average let alone SLIM!!! A part of me is resisting and I wonder why because clearly many more guys would fancy me and I would look good in more clothes so why the resistance...? Would it be me losing a part of me, a part of an identity I have associated with for years? Would it make me more conventional because then I won't have as many deficits? I thought even if a guy does fancy me at size 10 he wouldn't fancy the REAL me..what is that about? Why is the real me a certain size? It has confused me a lot but I love challenging my own perceptions and I wonder...I really wonder if I should try and be a size 10. Gawd I feel the resistance..it's so strange. I hope I have the strength to do it, I never really wanted it before so I wonder how much urgency there will be. And I will need that urgency to keep going because that would mean losing something like 35lbs.

 

Date with M was pretty interesting. His body is just so hot. I can't understand why I feel this pull and attraction. We are from completely different worlds he looks so smart with his expensive stuff and I was boasting for finding my cute top in a charity shop! Which I had attached a pin too because the button was falling off..lol I don't fully know what to make of him yet but would definitely like to see him again. He is so tactile with me and so glad he's making moves for once I don't feel like a nympho. We were like these embarassing people yesterday that were snogging in front of everyone. I wondered at times whether that's all there is to it as he doesn't seem to be asking as many questions about my world. He mentioned this is unusually fast for him too and I have a feeling he's dating around whereas I'm not at all. Actually I am sick of it. I only keep my profile up now so he doesn't take me for granted, if it doesn't go anywhere with him I will take it down and focus on my stuff 100%.

 

Hard to believe I'll be getting back into music. Might take a while but I am glad C has come to my life to give me a reason to record an album. He is so supportive and in awe of my songs and I can hardly believe it. He's willing to put some money into it regardless of making any profit, just happy to not lose any. I haven't written songs in a while so I will need to build a scedule and consistency around it. I was thinking end of June is realistic. But then I realised I won't have every day. I will probably be able to record twice a week. That's why I need the scedule I suppose. I am bad at planning and forward thinking..beh.

 

Compiling a list the other day of the songs that will go on the cd was super exciting

[quirky]

I decided I need to be more proactive with things. I get too carried away by my moods/emotions. I procrastinate. I read somewhere 'you can't have a positive life with a negative mind'. And I realised that I can be way more positive about my experience of life. I am not negative, I just feel more heavy..it's hard to explain.

 

I need to

 

be the example I preach

focus on my goals

be more light hearted

focus on actions not feelings

prioritise

have better/stricter time management

have more discipline

 

Just because I am studying doesn't mean I can't get on with other stuff.

I was tempted to by that owl toy to motivate me but I really must refrain from that stuff again cos I just know I will get attached. I need to do it without the owl. Or at least try. So I need to have a SCEDULE. Like seriously...who do you think is gonna do it for me? And I preach LC and don't focus on my own goals. Why don't I take myself and my life seriously enough. It's like I lack urgency. When I was a stresshead I was more proactive and now I am waaaaay too chilled. Yet more good stuff has happened. Hmm..I think that young person sucked the energy and joy of LC out of me. How can he still be so unmotivated..?! I have to email him today and partly I resent it, trying to motivate him outside of our sessions.

 

I am seeing another young person on Monday. Let's hope I click with her better.

 

So that is the plan.

 

Get a scedule. Get motivated. Get things done. Focus, stay on top and complete daily tasks.

[quirky]

Went to the gym both today and yesterday. I thought I died a little in that spin class. I kept saying to myself I can do it, I can do it and then felt almost ill later. Having Special K in bed and watching the Voice sorted it all out though !

Banker wanted to meet today but I managed to avoid it. I wish I was more assertive though, it's not like me to avoid things, I am usually upfront. But I guess I am confused here and I also feel he doesn't understand the terms 'I wanna spend time alone, I go on solo dates, I have hobbies'. I realised that apart from that morning on Sunday I hardly have any feelings for him. The physical and tactile connection speaks to my heart but apart from that I don't know if I care for him at all. And that is because of his emotional avoidance otherwise I care for strangers even.

 

I thought today of maybe sending anonymous letters of hope to people that might need it. Or just positive messages through people's doors. Or is it spooky..? hmmm

This is probably directly linked to my recent desire to stay single and devote myself to mankind.

 

Sessions with young person are better and I can't wait to start with the new one next week.

 

My plan of staying focused is goning ok so far.

[quirky]

I finished it with the banker. I keep sighing. Might feel better tomorrow. Dating is so hard. Kinda losing hope it will ever work at the moment.

[quirky]

I saw him again last night. What.the.hell? I am trying to understand myself. I can't fully explain this. It seems that when I find this tactile connection I excuse so much more. What's going on..I don't get it. I thought if I write things down it might help

 

Talking to L I suspect I have given up hope on finding a loving relationship. And alongside that I am not careful of the choices I make. When I first started out on online dating 1 year ago I had a good idea of the relationship I was after and my dealbrakers. After feeling close to R and liking bits and pieces in other wonderful people I started losing faith. And now it's like I kinda don't care anymore. I am not being mature about my choosing, I am being passive. R told me back then I may need someone more bossy and assertive and this is why the banker intrigued me. I also feel somewhat challenged by him or maybe by the situation..He seems to understand me culturally which is huge and unlike many other guys he's not intimidated by me neither finds me abrupt, too direct etc..all cultural differences. So I like that a lot. And I LOVE how he grabs me and orders me about a bit, so relaxing, I don't need to rule things for once. The thing I am doing wrong here is that I am focusing on just the tactile connection and not paying enough attention to other things. Verbally when I b*tch about him I do but in reality..how seriously am I taking my needs? This disappoints me as I thought/hoped I had moved further than this.

 

Upon examination I believe my self esteem took a huge bashing after my contact with S last December. Since then I haven't enjoyed my dating experiences. I kinda went back to R for reassurance that I am not as crap as S's messages made me feel. And it was after that contact that I truly felt the absolute end. I don't know why his messages shook me up and shocked me that way. After that I had interracted with 3 guys and my experience felt different and me more needy and too vulnerable and seeking reassurances on a deep level.

 

So S thinks what he thinks. Why would that affect me after so long, why was it 'shocking'? How little I seemed to be understood by someone who once loved me? I took it on me the stuff he said and alongside with my course and what it was bringing up I turned on myself..back to self hatred and blame. I am not worthy and mature and I am unbearable and too much..that's why it finished. Other women don't give as much hassle. Other women don't expect so much. Other women..As time goes by and I am still single I start to wonder whether I was arrogant. My latest texts with the banker I took responsibility and apologised in any way I had hurt him, he on the other hand kinda did but not in a direct way. Then again he's closed off, the man said..what do I expect.

 

I am both tired of being single and tired of investing and trying to understand others. Volunteering with the young people is so hard for me sometimes, I worry it gets me down. Nowadays I seek a different level of interraction that is very hard to find and I just end up feeling disappointed or in solitude. The other day my 3 colleagues were sharing pics of their partners and for a minute I thought 'what has gone wrong with me and I haven't got a special someone?' And I hated how I fell into that trap of feeling less worthy because of it. Because I do have love and because I volunteer and offer myself to others and I try to do good things. I don't need to be working with the young people. I don't need to volunteer for everything else I have volunteered. I don't need to extend myself to others. I don't need to welcome someone and smile and consider their world. Yet I do it. It feels like what we should all be doing and I forget that maybe there's something special in me for doing that. It really doesn't feel special, it feels like my part/role in this life

 

Maybe I am taking on that fixer role with the banker, open him up emotionally, show him how beautiful the world can be, like I always do.

 

I do feel tired.

[quirky]

Gawd do I need a day off or what. The friggin drilling every morning after 8 is getting to me big deal, can't even sleep a little more on my only morning off! How am I supposed to be creative or concentrate with this loud noise, they are SO loud, can't wait for them to be done with it for heaven's sake, it's been over a month

[quirky]

It has been nice having had time off work even if it's been to do different kind of work.

 

My relationship with my creative talent seems to have changed a little. It used to be my main source of confidence whereas now I express myself in other ways too and I am calmer. I am missing this nameless mania I used to feel creative wise. Because away from creativity it was just destructive in many ways. L said maybe we have settled more and I don't like the sound of that..What I want to do is push boundaries not settle. The things I consider genius are the stuff that seems to be coming from another place. I think I am looking for a different sound..something new. I've tried experimenting with hip hop but it's bloody hard to write. But I wonder what music means to me nowadays..how much of me is expressed and what has been lost. When we had to write our eulogy in my course a few things came up about my songs and my imaginary characters. Is it a lost dream..? In some ways..yet I am now doing part of what I wanted to do before. But it's not my one and only goal. It made me think of S and how restless we both were about our creative stuff, how much we wanted to be imersed in it. Life has changed now, I have grown and moved on and my focus is on my new studies. I still love being creative and we had such a laugh taking those freaky pictures with L but it's not this urgent No1 priority any more. I loved those pics, I have ideas for a few more. And for a dance routine. What does it mean to be creative..how can we live our lives creatively? What can do to preserve creativity, how can I challenge myself in that field?

 

So S is with someone new. Similarities between us too. It stang big deal. He has found someone to invest while I am still meandering between relationships. He went to Ireland with her. She looks very pretty. Yes, it all hurts. Mostly because I haven't found love myself. L is wondering himself how come I haven't. When we did the WOL exercise I realised just how much I am yearning for a playmate now I am tired of dating, of being single, of putting myself out there of thinking what I should aim for, of holding back, of opening up.. It is just tiring. And I wish I could perch into someone's arms at the end of a long day, someone who I call my home. Someone I can see a future with. It seems to happen for others but I always have trouble with things, noone gives me that feeling. I know I am looking for an epic connection so I understand the odds are against me but I find it so hard to compromise. It feels like I compromised so much already in my previous relationships and I don't want to be a smaller version of myself ever again. In many ways I have lost faith and this is why I am with M. That is one of the weirdest dating situations I have been in. I think L is a bit worried about it. I almost wish someone did the work for me.

 

I got back in touch with R a bit and remembered what a great guy he is. He makes me feel like a goddess. Always asks questions, he cares..I do too. M has given me 2 compliments about my body in 3 months. He says he notices other things more. I just end up looking insecure what's the friggin point. He's not a boobs guy fullstop. There is so much I am used to that he is not. Maybe that is the appeal.

 

The good thing about having the time off is that I ate much better and went to the gym 3 times. How fantastic is it to catch up with things, I felt so good about it. It felt good having time to myself overall. I am so hooked on that island program. Very happy about my piece too.